Desired Change

Okay. First, I need to ask God to motivate me. I think all this writing and planning is helpful in getting me more on track, but until I really want to do all these things (study to get into medical school, practice to become a pianist) I don't really have a "track" to begin with. I mean, my actions, while I want to change them, won't actually change them unless there's a reason to motivate that desired change. If God helps me WANT to do things other than to simply be lazy and help myself, it would work a lot better than me only wishing to be motivated, but not having it ever be a true desire. This whole time, I think I might have been able to better solve this problem, not by looking at various to-do's and fractured solutions, but by figuring out that I am stubborn and these things are not really my heart's want. Basically, that I'm lazy. Or that I'd rather be dead than living, because... I don't know... living has no more interest for me than eternally peaceful nothingness, through death. Now. Since I am (morbidly) bored with whatever it is I should be and would be more useful doing, I'm going to stop attempting to be someone who is self-driven and motivated and ask God to make me that way instead.* I would add that I should try to stop feeling so sorry for myself so often, but that is just more PLANNING. If I worried less about what I need to DO and focused more on WHERE I'm going, my path would be more definite--and--purposefully demanding.

Second, a guy from the music school anime, "La Corda D'Oro", seems to be speaking directly to me about some things that really might be important--how to understand the meaning of music--and life too-- so I'm going to type it so I can think it through again later.

"They say that when we look at the city from a high place like this, we can understand how tiny our existence can be, but...

Conversely, I understand how great and wide the world is and I get excited. "

"Excited?"

"Yes! There are countless people in this wide world...

And when I also think about how there is countless music that can be played, I get really excited.

The children from the violin class will be holding a volunteer concert soon."

"With those children?"

"Everyone's been doing their best.

And when you see that, you realize music isn't such a special thing.

"Not special?"

"Especially classical music.

It appears to be a high-leveled and advanced thing, but...

I think it's the same as normal things like talking, laughing, and just having fun.

Though you seem worried, you shouldn't press yourself for the answer.

I think there will come a time when the answer will come out naturally."

This is important to me because, like Hino Kahoko, I've built up a belief for myself that I don't deserve to play the piano. I need to remember that it's not as stuck-up of a thing to do--it is not as complicated as it sounds, but almost always I make it that way.



*[At least I can console myself with the fact that humans aren't meant for an existence like this--where life-time is limited, the human soul is finite, and peace is only recognized when thoroughly matched with suffering. I find it painful to live in a place that feels so limited--"inside the box"-- and purposeless, regardless of how externally-motivated that sounds.]