New Realizations! Like... I Shouldn't Go to Medical School!

I've started writing on my closet, which is eight feet wide and as tall as the ceiling, with marker. It is a mirror, so I will wipe it off later. I write my to-do list, which is also on my phone, but it's easier to add it to the door first, and alter it, before I stick in my phone, which is more permanent and might last more than a day. A mirror is great for scratch paper, because it doesn't take up space, and it looks kind of weird and pretty-- poetry on top of the real world. The real world, with its implications that pass through normally in your mind, are there, visibly written. Words MEAN things--THROUGH them you can see reality!


So when I was writing, I was thinking about you! I wrote at the top, "Blog" and arrow pointed down at the information. (Which later ballooned all over the door and onto the other panel as well.) The information goes like this: I've realized some important things! They're not all. I'm sure I'm missing things, because every time I re-read what I wrote, I'd think of something equally as useful. So I also added later, and less relevantly, (8) I have a lot to say, so much that I worry I'll forget it. I hate it that I can't figure it all out at once. --> I'm impatient. Solution: Be patient. \: (:



I added later, last night to be exact, something like this: Beat yourself up. Discourage, demoralize, push, exhaust, lose all pride.



I say that 'cause I have too much pride. It inhibits me in so many ways. Here is the list I came up with that are things I've realized recently. I will likely add some more, this minute now, too.

_________________________

1. People do not understand each other. You can't expect them to. It's rare that you find people who come close to perfect communication through harmony of paradigms-- those people are your intimate friends, your spouse, your confidants. Those relationships are treasures--many people don't have any. In expecting people understand how you feel, you are prematurely judging their personality and effectively confusing them (to no end) with your words that reach them only after being distorted by their own paradigm. You DO, in fact, have to take any relationship slowly in order to allow time for each person in that relationship to adjust to comprehending the communication habits and actions of the other person. This means that when I talk to my mother, sometimes I don't have to explain everything I'm feeling if she isn't bound to understand. Expecting her to understand is the same as asking her to change herself to see it from my point of view. Some people can't do that regarding certain subjects or at all. That's not something I can change, so complicating a situation by bringing up a stagnant argument is just foolish.



Many disgreements I have with my mommy are aggravated by my trying to explain something, and if I stop this action, I will effectively stop a fight. When I look at it that way, it's like there was never a fight in the first place... I was just talking on and on, and my mother was trying to understand.



I have the power to change, sooo...



2. My end of the conversation with my mother needs to change. Her response will always be altered by what I say. I can steer our talks away from a have-done been-there tear-war for control. I don't need to fight for control. I need to accept her love, manifested through her spoken direction, and go along with flows of others, instead of predominantly my own.



3. I have a temper. Yah. So... I need to make sure to control it, instead of letting myself get angry.



A person can be passionate--which I am--without lashing out. Anger, in raw form, is strong. I can't use that to lash out! Instead, I've got to use that anger for momentum for a cause, or communicating the importance of a cause, if there actually is one. If there isn't, I should go do something constructive instead, using the anger for a motivation to get something done.

_______________________



Here's where the points get connected and veer away from arguments with my mother, or other people in general. 4, 5, and 6 all go together and the later points are effects of the previous point.



4. I am not flexible; I don't adapt.--> I CAN learn new information habits... but I ultimately want control of things, instead of being instructed. (At least, in situations where I'm comfortable enough to take control, like at home.)



5. I have disabling pride--it keeps me from changing. I pretend during real life so I don't have to see my failures--so I can maintain pride-- even if it is based on lies. I CAN'T CHANGE-- I CAN'T ADAPT--because I don't truly look at my failures.



6. I worry about the wrong people's opinions. Everybody needs somebody to look up to. That's how humans were made, I think. God wants us to just look up to him. In other words, I can't make any idols other than him. God's gonna be my idol. Except he's God, so he can't be an idol. Ummm. Eh. Anyway, so, if I keep God's opinion in my mind over other's, it would casually swipe away quite a few of my problems.



OKAY THEN! That's it. Except for one more thing, that I didn't write on my board, and a little unrelated. I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed... (last night) and I remembered what I'd told my dad--that since I loved languages, I was going to have to consider making that my career instead of medicine. I meant it, but I hadn't actually done any of the considering part yet. And then I did. I haven't made any decisions, but I do know that I don't want to go to medical school anymore. It's a bit of a letdown, but I have some solid reasons.




WHY I SHOULDN'T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL: (ha ha ha. After all that... It's funny, right? Kind of.)

1. It will take a long time.


2. I haven't done well so far. That's partly not an issue--I believe in change--but I think I haven't done well because I DON'T LIKE IT. I simply don't have enough motivation for this, not when I am not fascinated with every detail. Especially since part of what I'll be learning is something I don't believe in-- drugs in excess. Half of what you learn is drugs. Yes, drugs are good, and necessary. But I don't want to learn about drugs, I want to learn about prevention. If I went to medical school, learning about drugs (secondary prevention--after you've already gotten sick) is likely to be more a topic of study than is primary prevention (preventing disease by living healthily and getting care before you actually get sick). I'd have a lot of material to wade through before I actually got to the part I want to.


3. Children are out of the question for a while. When they are actually back in the question, I'll need to quit my job in order to give them proper care. If I was going to never actually HAVE any children, I'd be sad. My children will be the future of me. They'll keep bits of my character and influence and story and take it into the future, after I'm dead. That's what I'm going to do for my mother, and my father, and if I don't have children, they can't take MY mother's and father's memories into the future, either. (Even if they never meet their grandparents, my kids will still be able to carry their morals and ideas.) So... I think it might be tragic not to have kids. Plus, I love to hug and kiss things that are alive--that breathe! I mean, I love to love cute animals and babies and people.


4. Just because I "want to help people" doesn't mean I have to go to medical school. Anything where you get money is usually where you help people with at least SOMETHING. As a linguist or interpreter, I'll be helping people all the time anyway.


5. I want to understand everything? Medical school doesn't get you that, it's only about the human body. Dur. (Teddy says dur. :) )




WHY I SHOULD HAVE A CAREER RELATING TO LINGUISTICS OR INTERPRETATION:

1. Not so hard, especially since the work I'm doing wouldn't take so much motivation, because I already want to do it. I was even going to learn Japanese, Spanish, and German, alongside medical school, simply because I wanted to communicate with people, and I thought it would help my career. (That, by the way, was retarded to think I could do!!! :/ ) Because it's not so hard, I can enjoy myself! Have fun! Take time go shopping! Go on vacation! Explore random hobbies! Go camping! Listen to music even if its distracting because I have time to be distracted!

2. I love words! I learn best with the written word. I like to write, and read, and interpret stuff. When people speak and I'm trying to regain focus, or even if they're just talking normally, I see words go through my head-- the actual words. I'm good at spelling because I visually memorize the shape of a word. I also feel like words invoke feelings, like the word "ANGER" actually looks very angry to me, and is definitely the color red.

3. I've loved languages since I was a little kid--I would try really hard to fake my accent to be British all the time. It was really fun, and I still do it all the time, except it annoys my dad. :)

4. I like to solve people's arguments, solve problems, and negotiate--I'm very motivated to find solutions for peace.

5. This ensures that my career won't be intimidating to a man I'm going to marry! I mean, seriously. Medicine AND piano performance? That's so insanely cool, no one would want to marry me for fear of feeling bad about himself constantly. Okay just kidding. No... I really was worried about it....

6. I actually WANT to do it. I don't shy away from the task of learning a language.

7. I say I want to understand everything-- now language--THAT is comprehension. I love listening to people speak in other languages. I could learn how to do that, and if I made it my career, I could learn SO MUCH!


8. I would likely be traveling, if I got the job that fit my preferences, which I suspect will include getting to travel. I find I'm fascinated with knowing weird things like geography and what time it is in other countries according to their different time-zones. I desperately wish I could teleport to get to places I've never seen, like Paris and Uruguay and in the middle of an Arabian desert. I love architecture, new food, fashion, and I wish I could read foreign literature. Even more, I'm interested in people's history, politics, culture, and sociology.


9. I could have kids. Having kids with a career like this isn't quite the show-stopper that it would be if I was a doctor.


10. I wouldn't HAVE to have job as a leader. If I become good at that sort of thing, fine. But I really do have more fun behind the scenes, at least, a lot of the time. I'd like the option of not having to be so terribly responsible all the time, but more a person who can help out a great deal without getting so much recognition. Being a doctor is a very stereotyped job, and rightly so. You have to be a certain person, totally defined and in control. That's not cool if it's not right for the individual. I'm not that way, I don't think.

CONCLUSION: I might be a good doctor, because I love people and I want to help them, but I think that I have other loves in life that have a stronger pull to me-- communicating with people, and experiencing the world-- that includes travel, people, and music. I can't experience the world if I am inside all day, studying, then become a slave to my job. If I liked my job, that would be one thing, but I love color, and wild abandon, and craziness. I wouldn't be crazy as a doctor, I'd be, to put it simply, REALLY, REALLY BUSY.

Ahhhhh. I really should go to bed! It's now 2:37am. Good night! Oh. ha. Good morning! Very funny okay then. Sigh. Good night. Really!

Learning Languages!

I think... everything might be a language-- any type of information, I mean. Like rock climbing, for instance. There are certain things you have to learn to understand it, and to be able to do it. Just like a person learns a language, a person will need to learn all the aspects and methods of rock climbing, like they'd do with a language. Then, they can use this information to rock climb safely-- to participate in the activity-- to work with it, like you would with a language you'd learn in order to understand or live in its culture. Every type of culture, communication, knowledge, or gathered amount of information is a language, of sorts. Even more, these languages I'm speaking of are pieces of art, too. They are "art" because they have their own style-- they are unique.

The Bible displays a culture-language. Japanese is a language, but you can include its culture as well. Getting along with people, like the people in my family :) , is a language I need to learn. The list could keep going on. I like to describe information or skills-to-learn as a language because it simplifies the task. When you think of information that encompasses a skill or a culture as a language, you think of that skill or culture differently. It helps you realize that the "language":

1. needs to be learned in order to truly communicate with the natives (people in culture or who have mastered or understand or live with that skill)
2. is valuable to these native's lives, and this will become apparent when you delve into its details
3. is a powerful tool for expanding your understanding of the world

To learn a language, as one of these things I've described, you first start with the basics--the beginner's lessons. That means you can learn the general stuff first so you understand the point of what you're doing. Dabble in generalizations and broad areas to have more fun and to spark a fire. Also, learn the meanings of symbols, images, icons, or whatever basic "alphabet" makes it possible to communicate within the culture or terms of that skill. Learn about the surrounding culture, if you want, but you may not need to do that first, if you're interested enough in the icons.

Don't shy away from "taking it slow" with the information. Delve into details when you come to them. These, like in the creation and strengthening or building of a relationship, "taking it slow" is yet more stabilizing, giving you a base of history or experience. But you aren't really taking it slow, anyway-- your actions are building up for a climactic explosion in decision, action, and skill. In other words, it's highly worth it.

Random Post I Seem to Have Forgotten to Finish!

Hiragana is fun! More tomorrow or later, I'm still working on the ones I posted yesterday. あ い う え お ! :) ...

Two summers before this one, I worked at Cutco as a sales representative.

Refreshed: time to make $$ + learn!

Ahhhh. Well, I just returned (Monday) from a vacation with my family in Yosemite, California. The whole time, I didn't really feel like we were in California! Partly because California isn't one of the places I know very well. I mean, I don't even see it on TV and places. I don't really know much about it....

Anyway, it was BEAUTIFUL! I have never been to a place like Yosemite before. I was stunned with the surreal-ness and the weirdness. Every day, we would travel around Yosemite Valley in tour buses or shuttles to get to the store (I bought ear-plugs, because my family sleeps loudly and we had only ONE ROOM (: ) Anyway, the cliffs walls around the valleys are HUGE! 3,000 feet up, actually. Unless it was 300. Which would be ridiculous. Heh heh. It must be the former.... There was El Capitan (El cap-i-TAN, a Spanish word,) and Bridalveil Falls, and Half Dome... well, those are places I still need to visit.... But each day, we (finally) prepared ourselves for a trip outside, and then we took a hike in some direction or other! It was glorious, and tortuously, tiring-ly painful. (I would have lost weight, but I mostly did the opposite of undereating.) I got a LOT of pictures.

We also had a LOT of fights. Mom and me, Teddy, and me. Daddy and me had more constructive conversations than anything, though. (More later on that.) Our terrific height above the valley floor and the sharp rocks that detailed every possible descent, which was mostly vertical, made the normal tension produced in our arguing words feel like electricity buzzing in our veins. However, toward the end of the trip, we mellowed out. I don't think it was all me, since I wouldn't... want to take all the credit for our fights... hee hee... ehhh. But anyway, I decided I should be more like Angelique, with her mellow attitude towards others, and forgiveness, and acceptance, and camaraderie instead of my usual defensiveness and... I'm discovering slowly this week--pride? I need to learn how to accept other's help. It's like Orihime says, this doesn't have to do with how I feel--that they don't trust me--what it REALLY means is they love me stronger than they want to let me do everything myself. It's not an issue of distrust, but love. I need to give in to them a little more when they try to help me too much. I've been so afraid of my lack of self-control that I've tried to take too much.

I can't solve all the problems, but I can do my part.

We went to see the giant sequoia trees, and WOW, ARE THEY MASSIVE!! I'll remember that part of the trip more strongly than other parts, because it was so unique. Those trees... they define, mold--they are rocks. Rocks in time...? By living so ridiculously long, they have the ability to stand outside of time. (My belief is in Creationism, not evolutionism, so I see the world as 6000-ish years old, not millions. So, when I see a tree that began its life 2,000 years ago, I am stunned. That is a long time ago. Just imagine-- those centuries, 100, 200, 300 years passing by it, slowly, and fast, and rushing~! It made me feel like I was looking into the past, except everything remained in color, and it was weird. There was a lovely recording we listened to as we bumpled along in a semi-truck cab pulled us down the Mariposa grove sightseeing road, "us" comprising the tour, jiggling and jolting in a funny trailer contraption that reminded me strongly of a theme park roller coaster-- not on train tracks--but wheels. I listened to the Japanese language track for a while before I switched to English again. That was fun, too.

There was a lot of Asian-decent or Asian tourists there in Yosemite. I was fascinated and newly motivated to learn Japanese. I snatched a few It is quite a spot for visiting--there were so many people there of so many nationalities-- especially, I noticed people speaking French, something akin to German, British accents, something tinged with Irish or Scottish, Spain-style Spanish?, and Indian?, but especially Japanese. I was walking past some other-language speakers in the morning, and I heard a snatch of what might have been, "Oh-hio-gozi-mas" which is the incorrect English spelling but correct pronunciation for Japan's "Good Morning". I was so excited! Which is silly. :) But I was fascinated and... so... jealous?

Now I'm learning Hiragana. Well, slowly. I try to do too many things at once, I think. I'm trying not to do that, but I still don't have a handle on it. It's dumb, because when you try to do ten things instead of five, you don't get a thing done at all. Hiragana I'm learning today looks like this:

あ (a)
い (i)
う (u)
え (e)
お (o)

I wrote them out in a notebook. It matters which lines you draw first (strokes). The pronunciations are obviously important to get correctly, so I go to The Japanese Page to hear the audio. Wikipedia tells you how to correctly do the strokes, including the order and the direction.

Well, I have to go clean my room! Actually, the downstairs living-room, because I took all the boxes from my room to the living room in order to clean my room of dirt, and rearrange the furniture to make room for a couch my mom is replacing. I'm excited I get a couch, but it's slow going with the cleaning. It's a big mess, and I brought all my books, clothes, and miscellaneous junk home. There is a LOT of stuff, partly because I already had a lot of stuff in my room from my childhood years. Aaaargh.

Hopes raised: I am me and God has my purpose!

I'm home now! I'll have to change my location, I suppose, since I'm not at Atlantis State any longer... maybe to a tropical rainforest? I'll come back to that later. I have something to write about.

It's delightful to be here--HOME-- where I feel comfortable, and have people that I love, but it's strange, at the same time. I feel like I moved out already! As it turns out, it's good I'm here for a longer period of time. I now know... I had unfinished business in terms of "moving out".

I would say my life is totally messed up. I mean, it feels that way, at least. Everything is so... screwed. I'm just sad... about the state of communication and lack of harmony, mostly, in my family and with my mother. Here's the situation: I left home when I moved to college (Atlantis State) in my freshman year, I was still attached to my immaturity, my home, and my parents in a way that left me unable to make decisions for myself. I was too fearful to think for myself. I didn't realize how important it was that I be brave... and how much more of a determinated effort it would take to succeed in college. So, I didn't put forth that strength. As I began to fail, slowly, the results becoming worse and worse with each passing quarter, my confidence took blows I couldn't recover from. I had no base of strength for climbing out of such a well. College was different that high school-- I wondered if I was really capable of the task I saw myself to be placed in. Furthermore, my parents were not there to guide my actions. My decisions were up to me, but I didn't see that. Besides, how do you pull out of something dark when you don't know from which direction you came? Worse still, I didn't admit to myself that--logically-- these failings were doings of my own, and so could also only be remedied only by ME.

It was in this state that I bodily placed myself in front of a counselor, begging for answers. What was going on? What was wrong with me?

Well, as I've explained (to annoying length... :) in my other posts, I figured out that I was making an invisible excuse. A circular reason. I thought there was-- WANTED there to be-- something blocking me. But in fact, this block was only the idea that there might be a block at all. So-- there was never any block in the first place, but myself and the thoughts in my mind.

So here I am, at home again, trying to take control over my life. At the same time, I must prove to myself, and my untrusting parents, that I make decisions for myself now.

Oh, why am I home? I should explain. :) My parents are sick of me going to school without getting good grades. I've made a lot of progress-- I can tell with the different way I feel about life, now that I'm back home--my habits are better and I have ambitions... that is totally new in terms of how I spent my time in the past summers after I'd entered college three years ago-- but this progress is not yet evident in my grades, which were too daunting for me to pull together in time for the end of spring quarter. I've learned a lot, but it was simply too late. I know, now (with some repressed doubt), that I can get through school successfully with a happy-ifying career, bountiful knowledge, and enriching communicative skills. While it IS going to be difficult with my parent's doubt hanging over my shoulders, I plan to disregard it and move on.

Anyway, my parents want me to go to a university that costs less than Atlantis, so I am home for that. My father, rightly, doesn't have faith in my academic and study skills, but I can see in his eyes and I can hear in his words that if I were to prove myself, he would believe in me. My mother, on the other hand, who has an amazingly emotional, passionate, and beautifully artistic personality, isn't dealing with my independence in the way that would help me best. She tries to take action in the best way possible, and uses her motherly capabilities to command me in the direction she believes is most wise. Effectively, I feel as if she has completely lost faith in me-- or did she ever have it? I try to explain to her, but it is pointless and I always end up in trouble for causing argument and introducing dark, hostile feelings that swirl around for weeks afterward.

I am writing this post because I am upset with myself about our arguments. They are fruitless and a of COURSE, a TOTAL waste of ENERGY!!!

aaarrrggggrrrr.

These arguments start the same way and end the same way. They sometimes begin because my mother has brought up the topic, but I still have the power to completely stop hostility by

1) respecting my mother
2) listening to what she has to say
3) and ending the conversation if it intrudes too deeply on what I know is best for me.
--> this means I must consider my options VERY carefully and make sure that my
parents' suggestions are incorrect before I go against them. (Especially, I should pray about it.)

But regardless of my awareness of the importance of points 1, 2, and 3, I still get in these DUMB arguments with my mother! So, tonight while I was washing my face, I decided I must find the root of the problem here.

And the root is...... ...

... what was it? Oh.

In the moments when I am listening to my mother--the times that I consider excruciating in their power to draw me into an argument, the epitome of what I DON'T want to do-- I always lose control. But what, exactly, am I losing control over? And I know what it is: it's my confidence. That's it, simply put. I lose my belief in myself. I forget what I want, who I am, where I'm going-- and I burst out into some sort of statement that contradicts my mother's, as if I need to change her. But it's not about her. It's about who I'm becoming, and all of that is my choice anyway. I have to stay myself! I am safe, within my own mind, my center, my chest, my heart. I am me. No one can change me. God is there in that center of mine. He will be my guiding light when all other lights flicker and go black! I must stay me!

My solution, then, to keep from arguments (with my little brother, too) is-- at all moments-- to keep myself as ME, and remember that no one can change me, but myself. This seems quite obvious, but I have a habit of doing the opposite, and that's why I feel the need to defend myself so often.

If I work on this-- and I know I will fail again and have another disagreement with her-- but if I work on it, I can seriously grow some confidence-muscle so that I sometimes-- maybe never-- lose my confidence--my self and God's purpose for me-- like this again.

***I'm writing the title of this post... I was thinking, I should make each post title dramatic, like the title of a movie, or at least as if each post was drastically important! It will be fun to make creative titles. :)

Signing off! Good ni-- ah... morning! (It's 12:25 now. That was great! I made so much thought-progress and only in one hour! *pumps fist* YES! Efficiency improving. (: )

Question1: Why don't just I get things done?

This new post is the first part for the two questions I discovered today in my time of English-final-skipping-disaster. I didn't want the title to be too long, and even though I'm writing them both at the same time, I think there's two root problems and they will be better understood separately. My thoughts aren't organized, but in my diary blog, they can be through the enablement of data copy and paste! :)

♥ I didn't think of this question until I thought of the one below. I realized that a person can still get things done without a desire to actually do those things. Many people do it. I really need to figure out how to do that, whether I'm HAPPY in life or NOT. So I said, "Why don't just I get things done?"

♥ Question The first thing I thought of was actually, "why do I want to escape?" Then I noticed my feelings really are more akin to "why do I want to die?" (I didn't use that 'cause it sounds suicidal:) Knowing why I don't want to live could take me to a place where I am happy and fulfilled with truth instead of a lived lie where I don't feel purpose or do things blindly for no reason. This post explains why I don't WANT to do the work I need to do, and how I can solve it. It's really a totally different issue. It will be hard to focus on both of these issues at the first time.

Here, I will explain the answer to this first (because it's most essential) question.

QUESTION: "Why don't I get things done?"

I can argue that I don't get things done because I don't want to, but that's still an excuse. What ABOUT doing things that you don't want to do? There are plenty of people who do things that they don't want to do IN ORDER TO GET TO A PLACE THEY WANT TO BE. So it DOES have to do with desire, but it also means climbing over hills you wouldn't have climbed for fun-- in order to get to the place you want to be. And that means you're doing things you don't want to do, in that moment at least.

OKAY, I'LL TRY ANSWERING: You can say "Just do it" - it's Nike - but there's a deeper meaning in that deceptively rock-heavy phrase is the following. I've tried zillions of times to "just do it" but when you can't "just do it" you have to tell yourself again, "just do it" and then muster up your courage, drop everything else, and START that one thing you need to start. "Just do it" is a good phrase for athletics, where the starting is a a fast, fierce, spark of force. But there's a difference when it comes to my studies. I'm not to the point where I have practiced and have ability to improvise, in the moment, at my best ability. Instead of using "just do it" to imply that I need to be good at studying immediately, I need to use "just do it" to start PRACTICING. This
practicing will not be my ending best, but it is my in-the-moment best. It is my consistency that can lead me to heal so I can do my best when it is time that I must do my best--like in a game, or when I meet someone I want to get married to, or when I'm doing a surgery. It's those times that the consistency of studying, practicing, and making wise decisions in the times they must be made - "just do it".

This is the point where I'm still unable to fully believe that I can do anything. That's why I'm always telling myself to believe in myself. I'm like Kahoko in La Corda d'Oro. Kahoko can play well on her violin for two reasons: she has a natural affinity for music, and the violin has a magical spell on it to make it so she knows what to play next as if she had been practicing violin for years. But when the magic spell on the violin breaks, Kahoko becomes a person with potential to play violin with prowess and great expression, but she can not actually do it because she has not practiced on a real violin and does not have the physical ability. So towards the end of the season (I haven't seen past this part) Kahoko must begin practicing with consistency, while ignoring the pain of the fact that her ability has gone down the tubes. When you can't do something, but you have the potential to do something, you have to practice.

I need to use "just do it" to start PRACTICING....

QUESTION: "How do "just do" the things you don't want to do?"

(My counselor would be so disappointed to hear this, not because it's wrong, but because we've talked about it for over and over for weeks.)

If I could just do things, I would be simple getting them done. (Duh?) Disregarding my feelings. It's like a slave to righteousness in the Bible--you do what you must, no questions asked, because it's necessary, and it's right--not because it's fun. In this case, I'm a slave to survival--being a slave in order to GET THINGS DONE THAT HAVE TO BE DONE. HAVE is the key word here. It's like Ichigo says in his battle with Ulquiorra (and has said in many other battles) that I will take to heart:

Ulquiorra: Why do you not drop your sword?

Do you still believe you can defeat me despite the
clear difference in our strength?

Ichigo: Who cares...who's stronger?

Did you think I'd give up...because you're
stronger than me?

I knew you were strong from the start.

Showing off you strength now won't change
a damn thing!

I'll beat...you, Ul-Ulquiorra...

Ulquiorra: Nonsense.

Kurosaki Ihigo, those are the words of a man
ignorant of true despair.

Allow me to educate you.

Behold true despair.

Ichigo: (wide eyes, sitting on his knees, green-black
reiatsu flies everywhere)

Ulquiorra: Resurreccion,

Segunda Etapa.

I am the only Espada that has developed a
second release.

Even Aizen-sama has not seen me in this form.

Despite this, you still have the will to fight?

(To audience) He is not confused. He still
feels the fear.

But he clearly hasn't resigned himself to
death, either.

Does he still believe he can win?

(to Ichigo) Very well. I will turn your body
to dust if that's what it takes.

Ichigo: (pulls on hollow mask)

Ulquiorra: You're a fool, Kurosaki Ichigo.

You hope to fight and defeat an opponent whose
strength is so great, it terrifies you.

That's incomprehensible.

If you are doing this because you have a soul, then
souls do nothing but injure humans.

You will die because of your soul.

Ichigo: I'm not fighting because I WANT to win.

I'm fighting because I HAVE to win!

ANSWER: "Just do it". Begin. It is no more complicated than that, except that you HAVE to. The only thing holding me back is NOT whether I don't want to or not. That is a different issue--one I should address--but it is a useless excuse. I CAN STILL DO SOMETHING EVEN IF I DON'T WANT TO. I won't be a "slave" who deserves pity; I'll be a girl who does what she needs to. The key here is this: The only thing holding me back is this excuse I make up: "there's something holding me back."

.

Question2: Why do I want to escape?

(Please note ahead of time: this is letter to God includes a lot of useless musings over a conclusion I simply need to reach... and I haven't yet... but either way, it's a little morbid, and sounds slightly suicidal, but not in a dangerous way, more like a why-am-I-alive? way. My title, in order to not freak someone out, is entitled "Question2: Why do I want to escape?" But it could really be closer to: Question2: Why do I want to die?

(I just wanted to mention the following.... Trust me, I am too much of a coward for that. I don't like pain. And I'm not a depressed person. I am very much into enjoyment of expressing myself, and enjoyment of the beauty of life in general. Really, I'm just upset about myself being alive because I don't know WHY, not because I actually want to end anything. I'm just feeling kinda sorry for myself. And when you feel sorry for yourself, your basic survival instincts are still there.... so I don't actually want to be dead. No worries! ;) heh heh.... ugh. this sounds so weeeeiiirrrd! This is the post I started with, right in the middle of what I was worried about. It starts frantically. Anyway, go ahead....)

Dear God,

I'm stuck in addiction again. My trying to fight it didn't work, not yet. I was hoping that if I fully experienced it, I could pull out of it. Is that possible? So far, it doesn't seem like I'm doing it right. Television and anime don't matter in real life, but I am drawn to it in a way that matters to me more than anything. If I would realize that it is only the strong emotions I feel at the moment that are pulling me in , and if I would realize that my emotions afterward--the ones I feel once I understand the consequences--

I don't know what to do about my English final. I had time to study, but I didn't. I have half an hour until my test. No, sixteen minutes until I have to leave my room in order to get there on time. But I didn't study for it. I DIDN'T! I COULD HAVE! I HAD TIME! Why couldn't I take that time when I had it? Why didn't I take it when I had it? I was afraid to start, in that I might not finish? I have yet to answer this question. I need to think about it, but maybe the best thing is to

Should I study now? If I don't go to the final, I could maybe get an X in the class because I did not attend enough classes to get a grade. But is that true? Did I?

I think the only solution right now is to:
1) look at my syllabus and see if I might have attended less than half of the quarter's classes
2) if yes to number one, do NOT go to the final in order to get an X in the class. Start studying for theory. I hate this! This is my favorite option. I hate it! But I hate the other option more.***
3) if no to number one, stop looking at syllabus and do my best to study any information possible in the ten minutes I have, then go to the final regardless, and get there on-time.

AAAARRRGGG I hate this feeling!!! And my stomach is telling me so....

*** (from number 2) I don't want to go into that world. I want to keep typing. Maybe this (number two) is the reason--I don't really want to---wait, why don't I want to learn? All I want to do is escape. Escape life--? That's the only way I can explain it. Do I need more friends? Why am I so unhappy? Why can't I make learning my world? Like I said, a slave to knowledge. I don't mean that in a negative way (I know, I didn't explain it very well before...) but I mean it in that a girl who is a "slave" to something means that that is what's important in her life. She would do anything to protect it, because it is her life-blood, her life-point, the essential reason for the existence of her soul.

WHY DO I WANT TO ESCAPE? WHY??????

--This is the answer I need to find. This is the root of my problem ("problem" -- to put it into a simple word).

I emailed my teacher. The mistake I'm making is not going to class. If I don't go to class, I will regret it later. I am making a bad decision, right now! ....

Hi Dr. Gina,

I have a question about my grade. I'm worried about it, and there's not a lot I can do to make it better at this point. I'm having trouble in school, and a lot of complicated stuff, but right now I'm realizing it's my fault and I need to solve for myself, instead of making excuses. Simply put, I am not doing well because I make excuses. I only explain this in case you are curious, and I feel like I want to explain myself, and maybe that's not helpful. But I know it's still my problem that I need to fix.

What I am trying to ask you is about my grade-- I am trying to figure out if I could solve this problem by getting an X in ENGL 212. If I get an X it will act like a WITHDRAWAL from the class, and does not affect my GPA. But I can only get an X if I have not attended more than half of the quarter's class sessions. I am not sure. It would mean I should not attend the final, either.

I don't know what to do, and I am very upset about this. I don't wish to give up, and yet, I do. I should probably just accept a bad grade in the class. Please, tell me what you think. Thank you for your patience.

Cara Lowing

Really, I've sent this letter to late for Dr. Gina to get it. So... I should go to the final. It's 1:56. I don't want to go!!! I DON'T WANT TO! I feel safe right now. I am not dealing with the problem, I'm running away from it. But it's so scary! Making the decision to go to the final is the brave thing to do. But also, there is a kind of good reason not to go. I really suck! Like seriously, I suck.

I think the problem is that I want to give up. I don't want to keep trying. I don't want this badly enough, and I'm not strong enough. Do I need to take the advice of people around me? Do I need to simply stop whining about it, and just do it? I mean, duh, that's the obvious answer. But what is keeping me from doing it? I know I'm being analytical now, and yes, the solution is to "JUST DO IT"--it is so clear, and it makes sense--but here's the problem, and why I should be analyzing: something--most obviously myself--is keeping me from doing it. Either I can force myself to do this thing--which I have not yet been able to do, so maybe "can" is the wrong word--or I could try to figure out why I haven't done it yet. Like, really, it's my decision, isn't it? I don't know if I completely believe in "addiction" right now. Isn't addiction a choice? I know that people always say "I can stop if I wanted to" and yet they don't. But if I agree to that, I'm

1) admitting I'm weak. The next step in that process would be to
(2) go get help
(3) depend on that help to keep myself under control
(3) either get better control magically or depend on that help forever more

I know, I'm musing over what I've mused over for many, many days, and months, and yes... years... but I apparently haven't come to the conclusion yet. I need to reach that conclusion. (I'd like to say today, but I don't think forcing myself with a time limit is the point either. I'm a little distracted because I'm trying to solve the problem by trying as many angles as possible....)

So. WHAT IS THE SOLUTION??? oooooooooo! I am SOOOO MAAAD!!! I mean, at myself! AAARG. ARG. ARG. ARG.

Why don't I want to do this?

God, come on! Make me want to! Why not? What should I do? What should I do? It's ME who has to do something!

Just think--and it's my opinion that everyone on this earth was created by God, who has some sort of idea, or a life-point, for each person-- every person who commits suicide (since we're on the topic of no-point-to-life and why-am-I-living)--have they all had purposes? Or were they created by God TO commit suicide, in order to change someone's life somehow? No. It can't be. Is it possible to completely do nothing for the world, to never touch anyone--and then kill yourself? It can't be. There WOULD be no point in living then.

Maybe the real question is, what is living? I mean, overall, not just the vital signs thing. But WHAT is it? When are you alive, and when are you dead?

That is way to hard. I have no way to put something like that into words.... uh.... never mind.

Back to this obvious point.

"WHY DO I WANT TO DIE? WHY?????? --This is the answer I need to find. This is the root of my problem ("problem" -- to put it into a simple word)."

Okay. Why. Why. WHY.... Why don't I want to live?

Another one that I got sidetracked from:

"Television and anime don't matter in real life, but I am drawn to it in a way that matters to me more than anything."

ahhhhhh. AARRRRG. I know this isn't helping. Here's a half-hearted commitment: I want to not leave this post until I figure out all this. It's a simple answer. I just need to figure it out.


Something random I just realized. Perhaps key. I am undeniably drawn to knowledge. I am completely distracted by it as well, because I want to learn it all at once, so I go to learn one thing, then stop to learn something else before I finish the first thing, and on and on. I can't focus on school sometimes for that. Why do I want to understand everything?

It makes me feel closer to that thing--understanding something is wonderful because you become more intimately part of that knowledge, and can even modify it if you know it well enough. For example, if I understand a guy that I meet, I am intimately closer to his soul. It's the same thing with my roommate Ishva and the way I'm always analyzing her. I want to be closer to her. I dunno why that is. But also, with knowledge, I want to understand Japanese and Spanish and German and other language too, because then I can communicate with people in Japanese, and get closer to their knowledge, and know how their culture works. If I understand English literature better, I am closer to it as well. I do this with stories and movies, too. I want to understand the stories--the plots, the the events that happen--I want to know the ending--and I also want to understand the characters, in order to feel closer to them, I suppose? The characters, to me, represent aspects or fragments of real people, too--and if I can understand those things, I an understand real people better too.

You get the point. But I just can't get past explaining WHY I want to be closer to knowledge. What is so special about understanding something or people? I want to be close enough to be able to endear it or them to myself?

The only answer I can think of is that I want to be included in something, so I try my best to get closer to knowledge and understanding in order to be a part of something--TO HAVE A PLACE TO BELONG--to have a place I understand and feel at home in. A place I feel secure, too. But maybe "security" and "stability" isn't what I've always been desiring (versus instability and chaos, resulting in fear of the unknown) but more specifically, I want to have a career--and a life--that supports me well, and having a life that I enjoy living through-- and UNDERSTAND--INTIMATELY. uh, weird.

It might be that I need to live for God. And I haven't been living for God. This isn't one of those answers that goes "CHECK MARK"!! All done! We're gooood. Nooope.... but it could be effective-- IF I don't get sidetracked and forget how important it is, like I always do after I TRY to commit to something (like getting up in the morning regularly at the same time, for example.)

I mean. Living for God isn't what I've been doing... I've been living for myself. I do things to make me happy. And often, I do things for others too. But in order to make myself happy! Because I like FEELING LIKE A GOOD PERSON AND GETTING RECOGNITION FOR BEING "NICE"!! I HATE that. But at the same time, I feel safe. No one can get me here. I'm a "good" person. I do the "right" things and I "love" people. But truly, I love myself the most.

Or do I? It could be that I'm just WORRIED that I love myself the most, BECAUSE I'm such a good person. Heh heh heh! naw. I know that might be what it sounds like. And it might be partly true. When you really think about it, a person who is nice might love others so much that she is afraid that she doesn't truly love them--that she isn't really good--

No, that still leads back to me WANTING to be good in the eyes of the other people; henceforth, a person wishes she was good more than she wants to help others because she cares for them.

I think I'm right that I'm selfish. This is depressing.... I really don't care about other people.

No, that's not true. The idea is that sin perpetrates the world. 'Cause at the beginning, when everything was literally perfect--created by GOD, THE GUY... (consults thesaurus and deems useless) I got it: God is the SEED from which all things grow, including our known reality and anything that ever did or could exist. Then one of his creations--the lovely angel Lucifer-- goes and defies God, his creator, and tries to lead other angels, and the humans, to hate God. (I don't know why Lucifer would hate God.) It's basically a war between two opposing two sides. After Satan starts this war, he puts the spreading poison of sin into the world, and then everyone is sinful, because they're born in it. (There's a big fat religious argument-assertion for you.) Being born into sin means that we DO have selfish feelings. I can't expect myself to be a person who has only good intentions and actions and is never selfish. What I need to do is constantly be aware that, as a human, I am bound to be selfish and sinful, so I must fight without stopping, until Jesus comes back and makes me truly pure, like I'm supposed to be.

I'm going to consult the Bible about this....

(Hey, this isn't off-subject. I've been doing terribly subject-wise so far, but this is quite relevant. Finding out how to love other people in an absolute, no-lies way--what I'm searching for--is how I want to live my life. And living my life is what's in question.)

How should I love other people for real?

I'm using texts mentioned in the back of my Bible with the subject "Love".

Lev. 19: 18, 34 - context: levitical laws
Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the lord. Keep my decrees..... The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as your self, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.

I think:
Don't use stereotyping to judge people negatively as if you know them! Communicate with them and respect them without unhealthy judgment.

But... we should be careful with who we associate with--our friends and family--and therefore be careful of who we become. (I think who you associate with is influencing on personality.) Respect people and their potential to change, but you don't have to accept things they do as morally okay or healthy. If you think it's unhealthy it's okay to avoid that person. There is only so much you can do for someone if they don't want to change. Also, know that you are not always undeniably right.

Mark 12:28-34
"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

I think:
heart: my feelings/emotions/where I feel love
soul: essential essence of yourself; that which is eternal through God's memory
mind: natural intelligence/learned knowledge
strength: determination/focus
?LOVE WITH ALL OF THESE? :)

1 Cor. 13:1

John 4:7-21

I'm going to stop here. This is getting to be too long of an activity, and I think I'm calmed down enough. My post for Question1 is sufficient for now to get my work finished.

Signing off!

[*later edit: 7:59 pm - this entire post is crap. I mean, no probably not. It is too long though:) But it makes me mad, because I think it's Question1 that really has more value. This "Why don't I WANT to do the work" is dumb because, of course, I'm going to avoid something that I haven't succeeded in, that's what I always do when I haven't succeeded. That's why Question1 's answer makes more sense. I need to... just do it. :/ heh heh. I guess... I finally figured it out.*]

DO IT FIRST!

Hey! DON'T JUDGE YOURSELF... but...

do your homework FIRST!! First first FIRST FIRST FIRST F-I-R-S-T F.I.R.S.T., FFIIRRSSTT!!!!! 1ST!!!!

Get it OVER with! Seriously.

Think about it.

IT"S WRONG TO AVOID SOMETHING WHEN YOU COULD DO WELL AT IT AND BECOME BETTER AND HELP PEOPLE THAT WAY!!!

DON'T RUN!!! RUNNING IS NEVER WHAT ANGELIQUE WOULD DO!!! BE COURAGEOUS!!! DO WHAT YOU CAN!!!

Nike: "Just do it"

Slave to Knowledge

I was thinking, I love to run away to worlds where things are created, and therefore defined--clear--and easy, in that I understand. Why don't I make my life into a world? A world where I am a slave to knowledge?

Only when one becomes driven by the thing they must do in order to succeed, they can do exactly that. Driven.... I must.... I have no choice.

New Playlist in my blog

Hello there! I've put a playlist in my blog. I'm excited about it! Please listen to something in the pieces. Music a totally big deal to me. I just love it. To me, each song represents colors and feelings. It motivates me to work out, and simply do anything really, like cleaning my room or studying, etcera etcera. It represents life, sometimes, in ideals that are easy to forget if you look at the world TOO logically or realistically. Sometimes, I think logic and reason DO fail. They fail when they don't explain something. For instance, they can't explain an emotion through an experience, because emotion and reason are two different facets of how to experience life. Mixing those two ways of experience is preferable, you can't say they're the same.

Hopefully the playlist will keep working. I had some trouble with it earlier because of my flash player - playlist.com said I needed to update Adobe, but I'd done it five times, the correct way, uninstalling while no programs were running... but maybe I just needed to restart my browser a few times. Who knows, it works now! Here's my blog playlist has now:

♥ Bjork's "All is Full of Love"
♥ A THEME FROM BLEACH
♥ Anime Libera
♥ FIREFLIES
♥ 2 themes from Vampire Knight
♥ 3 BLEACH SOUNDTRACKS
♥ and 1 more theme from bleach

New layout - no. 3

Hopefully the playlist will keep working. This is definitely one of my favorite layouts! No, I can't say that.. 'cause when I make layouts of course I like them EVERY time. I might keep this layout for a while. I think it goes especially well with the first song on my playlist--the overall mood seems to be about love in the first place--filled up, swirling wind, determined, provident. But anyway, layouts make me really happy! I have no idea why, it's actually weird. I just LOVE the pink on this one. It's my favorite color. If I go without pink for too long, I get depressed.

Δ Daily Activities! Δ

Today, I have a piano performance of three different pieces. I still haven't memorized them... 8[ But I think I will be able to do it if I work as efficiently as possible.

It's scary! The CHAIRS of all the different music departments are going to sit and listen to me (meaning stare at me) at me while I play the pieces I'm memorizing, which are here, described by author and displayed in order to be played:

SPRING 2010 JURIES:
Edvard Grieg: Rigaudon in G major (oops... I can't remember the rest!)
Domenico Scarlatti: Sonata in D, K. 9, L. 419
Johannes Brahms: Rhapsody in G minor, Op. 79 No. 2

Then I will be done. It is a requirement of music majors, twice a schoolyear.

I'm going to go practice now! After my performance, I have to do both my english papers, while studying for the test, and then study for the test if I have time, and work for at least ten minutes on theory. I should also allow myself a break, and also clean my room a little. At bedtime, I should head there directly!

Realistic Conversation with my Poppy

I just got off the phone with my Daddy. It's incredibly discouraging, at first. The things he says are not cruel, but they, simply, are true. But then, I realized that it's not discouraging, it's just that I've acknowledging the realistic problem, and it's scary to look at it so bare.

spent $$$ on school + bad results (in grades) = big-fat-depressing-waste-of-time

So: first, I need to take control, figure out what I need to do, and stop pretending I can't. Whatever it is I'm capable off, I need to start using that to accomplish things, and then not say, "oh I"ll try harder next time" but "I did my best."

Spend less money if possible, but get the education I need.

Look to God for answers - this whole time, I've been pursuing my career selfishly - I want to be a doctor for the status and power it will bring me - and perhaps this shows why my desire to be a doctor is not backed-up by solid reasons.

Practically, this means:

1. DO MY BEST: do well in whatever I do this summer - take the schedule I design for myself dead-serious, because in reality it always was. Do my best by balancing activities and doing the important things first!!! Admit that when you don't do well, this is a direct result of your own doings, and that you can't fix things you've already done.

2. LOOK TO GOD FOR GUIDANCE: study the Bible for answers instead of wondering, and pray for guidance and peace and wisdom (etc.) in the morning, in the evening before bed, at least ten to fifteen minutes. Search for: what I'm good at, what God needs me to do in my life, how he can use me, what's realistic and what's delusional about my goals.***

3. DECIDE FUTURE EDUCATIONAL PATH: consider, if I decided my current career path is still a good choice, going to college from home, where there will be no rent and I could attend a university and take Biology and Chemistry and 4 credits of piano.

and there you go. Er, me. Here I go.

***oh yeah--you know that thing I was talking about earlier--that my counselor says I might be missing something really important? I think this is it: I've been trying to force myself to "like" studying and become someone who I'm not. As in, maybe I shouldn't be doctor; maybe I'm trying to be a person like that because of the idea it creates of myself in my head, and really, I'm just not accepting myself as I am. Doing this a little longer now that I understand, and now that I realize I need God's help to become someone more interested in studying, is something I want to give another try. BUT, I NEED TO CONSIDER the fact that maybe, I'm trying to be someone who should choose a more laid-back career in which I can do something I am passionate enough about that I am more self-motivated than I am in my current endeavors (studying :/ .)

Δ

Vampire Knight Ending Theme, (Full)... this song is intense!

Bleach theme song for "Fade to Black" - Koyoi, Tsuki ga Miezu tomo

"Uggggh" "rrr"

AAAGGHRRR!!! I'm going crazy!

No don't worry... I'm just kidding... at least I think so...

Just kidding again.

I won't bore you with the details! I need to get over myself... and realize that I'm in control of my actions, never something else.

Oh, look. It's four-thirty-six in the morning. uggggggghhhhhhh rrrrrrrrrrrrr -_-

Desired Change

Okay. First, I need to ask God to motivate me. I think all this writing and planning is helpful in getting me more on track, but until I really want to do all these things (study to get into medical school, practice to become a pianist) I don't really have a "track" to begin with. I mean, my actions, while I want to change them, won't actually change them unless there's a reason to motivate that desired change. If God helps me WANT to do things other than to simply be lazy and help myself, it would work a lot better than me only wishing to be motivated, but not having it ever be a true desire. This whole time, I think I might have been able to better solve this problem, not by looking at various to-do's and fractured solutions, but by figuring out that I am stubborn and these things are not really my heart's want. Basically, that I'm lazy. Or that I'd rather be dead than living, because... I don't know... living has no more interest for me than eternally peaceful nothingness, through death. Now. Since I am (morbidly) bored with whatever it is I should be and would be more useful doing, I'm going to stop attempting to be someone who is self-driven and motivated and ask God to make me that way instead.* I would add that I should try to stop feeling so sorry for myself so often, but that is just more PLANNING. If I worried less about what I need to DO and focused more on WHERE I'm going, my path would be more definite--and--purposefully demanding.

Second, a guy from the music school anime, "La Corda D'Oro", seems to be speaking directly to me about some things that really might be important--how to understand the meaning of music--and life too-- so I'm going to type it so I can think it through again later.

"They say that when we look at the city from a high place like this, we can understand how tiny our existence can be, but...

Conversely, I understand how great and wide the world is and I get excited. "

"Excited?"

"Yes! There are countless people in this wide world...

And when I also think about how there is countless music that can be played, I get really excited.

The children from the violin class will be holding a volunteer concert soon."

"With those children?"

"Everyone's been doing their best.

And when you see that, you realize music isn't such a special thing.

"Not special?"

"Especially classical music.

It appears to be a high-leveled and advanced thing, but...

I think it's the same as normal things like talking, laughing, and just having fun.

Though you seem worried, you shouldn't press yourself for the answer.

I think there will come a time when the answer will come out naturally."

This is important to me because, like Hino Kahoko, I've built up a belief for myself that I don't deserve to play the piano. I need to remember that it's not as stuck-up of a thing to do--it is not as complicated as it sounds, but almost always I make it that way.



*[At least I can console myself with the fact that humans aren't meant for an existence like this--where life-time is limited, the human soul is finite, and peace is only recognized when thoroughly matched with suffering. I find it painful to live in a place that feels so limited--"inside the box"-- and purposeless, regardless of how externally-motivated that sounds.]

Slow progress update....

I have the schedule down, but it's hard to do things I feel like I'm not capable of. Plus, my teachers imply (i think?) that it's my fault that I don't do well in school--like I don't WANT to do well, and I'm doing it on purpose. It's hard to accept that from my piano teacher, who makes me cry every time I go to my lesson, so I think, maybe he's just a jerk and I need to ignore him... and yet, that's what he says is exactly my problem--I'm not letting him teach me--and I'm being stubborn by refusing to do the things I need to do in order to be successful (i.e. practicing the piano and recording practice hours). My counselor says there's some huge, unknown thing that I haven't noticed. Am I just being stubborn this whole time? Is that what it is that I'm missing???!!

My excuse to Dr. Merlin is that I haven't been able to do those things... because... because... this is the part where he might be right. I can't see what kind of viable excuse I have. Maybe I just am being stubborn for no reason.

I need to look at all this work I've set before myself and imagine myself finishing it. I want to be capable, and I'm putting myself in a position of risk-taking where it's necessary that I succeed, so if that's really what I want, I've got to quit trying to stop myself and just go for it.