Different...

At Atlantis health office today, I gave evidence and attempted to convince the nurse and doctor that I need medication for alleviating the effects of my (apparent) attention deficit disorder. I can't believe I am doing this! It's a little surreal, or weird-feeling.... I am not a medication person. I try to solve health problems without medicine first.

Being under the influence of medication scares me!! I want to save the way I feel now, so I don't forget. What if it works; if DOES changes the way I focus? It WOULD be a good thing... I know it's not going to change my motivation or drive.... and I guess it's silly to suppose it will change my thoughts.... Nevertheless, it's a freakish notion to take a pill that makes your thoughts go in a different direction!

I wish I could record the nature of my self, and my thoughts, in its non-medication state. I don't know how to explain here what I feel like, or the entity of my thoughts...? I don't think I believe in entity of thoughts. I think that a person is just herself--no id, no superego, no ego. Those are good ways to explain the levels of human consciousness, at least, but I think a human has only one spirit, one essence, one God's breath.

But either way. It's ungrounding to know I'm going to swallow a drug that could change the way my thoughts organize themselves. I mean, technically, it's not changing me... yet, it is.

God doesn't want me to keep going through school getting bad grades. I'm supposing that, in order to fully "heal", to get to the bottom of my problem, and to do these things by putting in ALL the effort possible, I need to try medication to see what it will do. It would be foolish, and exhibiting illogical stubbornness, for me not to try. Because, like my advisor said-- the side effects of the drug are lesser weights than are the side effects of NOT trying the drug. I know THAT'S true. Whatever it is that is going on in my head, it's ruining my life. If I could fix it myself, I would, but whether I can... is the real question here.

It bothers me-- I feel like my ADD thoughts are self-directed for a major part of my waking hours. I feel that I COULD change the way I focus, simply by carefully monitoring and adjusting my actions, choices, and study or practice schedule. I can already see this working well in school--I'm changing slowly. And yet, my counselor and academic advisor strongly recommend this step regardless.

I just wanted to document, for my future self, that I would prefer to do this on my own, with the power of my own brain--someday!

Partly though, even though these points are strong convictions I have, I guiltily confess to being very excited about this change I'll be experiencing!

I am afraid to give into this excitement, because I know medication isn't always the answer. In fact, likely more often than not, it isn't the answer.

Oh ya... and they think I have anxiety too. Which fuels the ADD. Which spurs on the anxiety. So maybe I just need to stop one in its tracks, and I can climb out of the evil circle! Ha ha:)

Tomorrow morning at nine, I'm off to pick up my prescription slip from Atlantis Health, which I will take to the village market pharmacy. Also, they're going to give me a blood test to see if I have thyroid issues; that can actually cause anxiety, I was surprised to hear!

Well. We will have to see what happens!