Avoidance ending now.

Sorry about that. I will now type up what I've been needing to tell.

Of course, I am not yet writing to anyone; I don't think anyone reads my blog. For some reason I feel like admitting that will make this blog less cool. Ha ha! But it's my online diary, it's cool to me even if not to other people, who aren't really able to find it anyway! (I can't find it except by logging in.) Well, okay then...

Back to the part where I said I was addicted: I'm addicted to TV and movies. I am hooked on anime shows. I love anime-style movies like Ponyo and Howl's moving castle. I adore Ichigo Kurosaki (Bleach). I like comedies, romances, action, science fiction, fantasy. I love Alias beginning seasons. I watch Desperate Housewives, Smallville (despite its lameness), Ugly Betty... and I have all the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes on DVD. Oh, and the Matrix ROCKS. And Underworld. I LOVE television and movies!!! It's terrible because once I get started watching, I find some excuse to KEEP watching to the point that I don't get homework done, my showers are sparse, my room gets messy, I don't exercise, I don't go to class, I get cavities, my complexion flares up, I get chubby, my back loses its muscles because I'm always lying on my bed, and then when I go to work (as a nursing assistant) I can't move the day after because all my muscles have ATROPHIED and I strain myself horribly!!! Yes. Long sentence. But most importantly, I don't get my homework done and I am basically heading for a life of loser-hood: no job, teeny apartment, living on welfare, possibly addicted to substances because I'm so depressed about what's happened to my life...

This is because I am an easily stressed out person!! It's silly--I worry about dumb things like how I look, or what people are thinking about me--their impressions--in an irrational way. And I over-analyze things ("now why would they think this? Or that? And if we had a conversation, it would bla bla bla etc etc.") I watch TV, since it's easy to access over the Internet at Atlantis State (the university I'm at), and at the end of the day, or really anytime I am anxious about my life or my actions or my decisions, I use TV shows and movies to help me forget about it. It's an extreme case of procrastination... or just dealing with life.

The problem is, after all this happens, it's hard to stop watching with your own will. SOOOO hard! It's like being addicted to something else, better known for addiction, like drugs or alcohol. Not that I'm saying I know what that's like, I've never tried either of those:)...) But it's hard. For three years, EVERY MORNING, I get up and say I'll do things differently, and I DON'T.

It's like I didn't have control over my decisions, and it was driving me... not ... crazy, literally, but it was VERY VERY irritating. And it ruins your life, rotting it from the inside out. I was spiraling into space.

I now have horrible grades in various classes, many important ones, of which I will be retaking next year. By losing those classes, I wasted a lot of time, not to mention precious money. I was late to classes or didn't go in "hopes" of studying during the missed class--when in all reality, this isn't smart because you get further behind. It was at this time that my teachers were raising their eyebrows, scolding me, sighing at me, glaring at me, or saying "WOW..." over and over. Their questions demanded of me weren't ones I could answer; if I had been able to, I would have done something about the problems I had created. It was all very weighted on my shoulders and it led me to think that I wasn't capable of doing what I wanted in life, career-wise, or anything else. I started to feel bad about everything--that I was fat, that I was pimply, that I had ugly hair. My essays turned to crap, my reading slowed to one page an hour, and I was late to any classes I showed up at. I gained weight, I slept in, I avoided people who wanted to talk to me. Deep down, I was fearful that I was an unpleasant to look at, ditsy, naive, irritating to have around, and an un-wantable failure of a college girl. I didn't long entertain the idea of leaving college and what might happen after that; this was one of the clear indicators that I was avoiding acknowledgement of where my choices were leading me.

Even worse, these feelings made me even more anxious about the state of my life and it caused me to withdraw further. These feelings I'm describing aren't what I always believed; they're less feelings and more emotions that I might have suggested to myself at one time at another, but didn't entertain long. I have a fabulous mom, dad, and little brother who are extremely supportive. We all understand how to love and respect each other and others--a beautiful environment for growing up in--but even with all this, I didn't learn how to make decisions without someone else's help. THAT was my downfall. THAT is what I'm learning to do now (especially I am learning to do the mundane, consistent types of things--studying, practicing, and sleeping at regular times-- that I don't want to do).

Thinking about the time I wasted in college is one of the things that makes me feel even worse about the situation, but instead of pondering the horribleness of it, I'm making an effort to MOVE ON and do BETTER.

Once I was sick of the situation at school, (about 10 weeks ago) I was asking God what I should do about it... and he kinda shoved my mind in the direction of counseling. So that morning, I ended up grabbing an application packet for ASU's counseling program, filling it out, and immediately turning it in. I was slightly nervous, but mostly relieved that I might be fixing my life. Maybe.

It turned out to be a very good thing!! Counseling doesn't solve all your problems immediately--in fact, it is taking forever-- but it does help you see the things you wouldn't have noticed, like obvious things that other people could have told you if you'd asked (but didn't because being messed up is embarrassing).

For instance, I'm learning:
1. how to stop watching TV (get un-addicted)
2. how not to be late
3. how to get up in the morning to your alarm clock
4. how to stay organized
5. how to focus
6. how better adjust to school with my ADD mind, which works like a map with branching roads in different directions, while society (and education) today sets up information and processes linearly (in a straight line).

These are the things I want to do--my goals. Mainly, I want to be a better person overall. I want to do what God wants me to, although that's more of a lofty goal than a true desire, but ultimately, I do want it to be true. I am dying dying dying to lose weight because I am obsessed with being pretty... it taints my day with black paint if I don't like what I see in a random mirror during the day. So my one horribly shallow goal is to be slender and pretty. (As a weight loss prize to myself I am going to bleach my teeth, buy new clothes, get a haircut, eyebrow wax, and a leg wax, those sorts of things....) Also, I want to be a better person for the man I am going to marry someday; I know I'll change in the future, but I want to have some moral codes and good habits and academic success --to be the best I can be-- so he can recognize me. :) Also, I want to be a pianist. Since I'm not amazing yet, I'm not done becoming one. Also, I want to get accepted to medical school, and then of course, FINISH and get a job as a doctor.

There, that's all my goals. My goals are the BIG, LIFETIME things I want to do, before I die. But then there are the steps-- the little, less significant things that take me to my goals, things I really want to do but won't mind in the aftermath if I don't do them. My steps include getting an aquarium, traveling in other countries, stuff like that--my steps list goes on forever. Later I'll post all my goals and steps.

That's the background story on what I've been doing in my life. I'm excited for more changes!! I'm excited to meet someone I can have a relationship with. I'm excited to be a new person who has a life full of water, air, weather, colors, music, people, and love (my favorite things) .

Now it's getting closer to my bedtime... Nerdily I will concede to the terribly unlate hour and head to my room.