Changing - - -

My best friend, Margurite, is helping me out with my "TV addiction". (I hate calling it that, but it's the best way to reference it.) My counselor worked out a solution with me-- we figured that until I gained better self-control, I was going to have to find some permanent way to stop watching TV, because I really need to work on my grades. I'm in school--RIGHT NOW--and there is NO time to work through this. Results have to be immediate.

So... I gave my two laptops to Margurite.

(I had a netbook for studying and a laptop for games, but I never used them for their designated purposes. I watched TV on my netbook and attempted some homework on my laptop and vice versa... It was confusing and disorienting and unorganized, and simply a horrible time waster because I never knew where any of my files were. Also, I was always tempted to watch TV while I was doing homework, because it was only a click away, and because I had just been doing it two seconds ago. It made it all very hard to resist. When I do my homework on the computers in the labs at school, I feel like my purpose their is oriented toward getting schoolwork done--I don't feel so much like taking a break-- and it is much more likely that I will use my time for studying.)

(Ha. unless I'm blogging.)

Margurite's being really nice about it! I mean, she does get to use the computers she's holding for me... but anyway, I am very happy because I am able to focus SO MUCH BETTER!!!

In fact, I can even think more clearly. Everything just makes sense--it's actually kind of weird. I am able to better work through my thoughts and put them into practice. When I have something stressful come up, I can actually deal with it, or solve the problem, instead of postponing it (and therefore never taking care of it) by watching TV.

Every passing day, I can better see my day's schedule and its hours spanning out in front of me, filled with activities that involve learning, studying, and practicing. This is how I plan better. Eventually I want to be very efficient. I get enough sleep now, and I mostly have been making it to classes. Moreover, I actually WANT to go to class, and I can tell that this feeling is much stronger than it has been for... well... years.

I have a lot do do. My days will completely filled with studying, and practicing, and getting up EVERY MORNING, not getting behind in classes, studying, always being to class, always participating, always listening, and being ready for recitals, staying on top of being licenced as a nursing assistant, making sure my classes fit together in the years to come, being aware of any other scholarship and academic program deadlines, making sure all credits transfer to the various educational institutions I will attend, and being ready with information about finances and goals for my demanding father.... the list just goes on and on.

I like the phrase "... my demanding father". It makes him sound unreasonable, and puts me in the spot of the victim. But the truth is, he's not being unfair... "my poor daddy" could be more accurate. He's actually being quite logical about the whole thing. He asked to see better results in my grades, and made sure I understood that if he didn't see it, he would have to stop funding my education. In truth, he's been quite lenient-- this is my third year, as a junior, spring quarter, and he thinks that my efforts--and his money-- have completely gone down the tubes (to an expensive institution, none the less). His work life has been horribly tumultuous as well, where people have been lying and stealing from him. He doesn't like the stress of any of these situations. So it's understandable that he's drawing the line, finally. I'm actually quite glad. In saying he's demanding, though, he is in a good way. He'll come at me and ask DIRECTLY for REAL, CLEAR answers to his questions... so... what I WANT to DO is have good, solid, answers for him at the end of this quarter.

The way I'm going to do this? This week, I am going to practice more piano than I ever have, I think... three hours in the morning, three at night. It's kind of ridiculous, in theory, but it's kind of fun in practice. The idea is, if I do that much, there won't be much time for homework, so I'll learn to get it done more efficiently. I usually waste my time in the evenings to an unnecessary extent, anyways.

Now, I would say, "... here comes the hard part..." to refer to the long road I have ahead of me... but it isn't really true. I mean, yes, the road is long and hard, but the interesting thing is that it NEVER gets any easier, not really. I might get used to having better control in my life, but the consistency I'm going to have to maintain is still very strenuous... especially if I want to go to medical school. (That's... my.... BIG goal. :) )

But the thing that really fascinates me is to see all these people, walking to and from class at Atlantis State University. They all have their own lives that they're working through, just like me. Now... maybe they didn't get addicted to TV like me, and maybe they don't have attention deficit disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder or they don't do drugs or drink or get depressed. (I suspect that many do have at least something like that going on.) But regardless of any problems they may or may not have, pulling them under like rocks tied to their feet, they maintain consistency in their lives, their grades, their relationships. I mean, not everybody does. But the people who DO!! It's amazing. They keep going!! As you might be able to tell... that is what I want to be able to do.

These people make it look easy. That's why I wonder, will it become easy, after time, or will I always feel like this? Every time I practice the piano for more than two hours, lately, (as in, since I've started practicing for real since this last week) it's very difficult. It takes me a great amount of strength to actually finish. Even with the motivation I've recently gained, I struggle through the work like it's deep, deep, mud, and I'm wearing thick, heavy jeans. To think that the people I see around me do these sorts of things EVERY DAY. They do all their homework, every night before they go to bed. They might get behind every once in a while, but for the most part, they catch up and continue on. Plus, they go to work and deal with financial stresses... not to mention their boyfriends....?!! It's very cool.... *sigh*

Someday, I will be beautiful and polished, prepared, and ready to attack anything. I'm going to be a pianist, and I'm going to be a doctor.

And no one can tell me I'm being too idealistic. I believe it.