I have no title...

I was watching videos about doctors at work on YouTube today. Just now. Wasting time.

Also, I went to visit Freida Jonesey today. She's in charge of disability services at ASU. We talked about my schedule and she says that my plan is sensible. What I need to do next is talk to the representative--coming in a few weeks to ASU--who is from the school where I want to apply to med school.

Freida said what I need to do next is, "have a frank discussion" about if any of this is possible--because the prerequisites won't be worth the money if I don't have a chance of getting accepted.

WHOA!!!! I just had the HUGEST scare! I am in the library right now--I scratched my ear, and felt my headband there, and I suddenly imagined my blue, shiny, furry, Easter-bunny-ears headband. I had put it on for fun after school today while I was snacking in my room before heading out to study again. SO I THOUGHT, WHAT IF I HAD NEVER TAKEN IT OFF??!!!!

But I then I realized that I switched it out for a more kosher plaid grey and white headband. Ha.

Different...

At Atlantis health office today, I gave evidence and attempted to convince the nurse and doctor that I need medication for alleviating the effects of my (apparent) attention deficit disorder. I can't believe I am doing this! It's a little surreal, or weird-feeling.... I am not a medication person. I try to solve health problems without medicine first.

Being under the influence of medication scares me!! I want to save the way I feel now, so I don't forget. What if it works; if DOES changes the way I focus? It WOULD be a good thing... I know it's not going to change my motivation or drive.... and I guess it's silly to suppose it will change my thoughts.... Nevertheless, it's a freakish notion to take a pill that makes your thoughts go in a different direction!

I wish I could record the nature of my self, and my thoughts, in its non-medication state. I don't know how to explain here what I feel like, or the entity of my thoughts...? I don't think I believe in entity of thoughts. I think that a person is just herself--no id, no superego, no ego. Those are good ways to explain the levels of human consciousness, at least, but I think a human has only one spirit, one essence, one God's breath.

But either way. It's ungrounding to know I'm going to swallow a drug that could change the way my thoughts organize themselves. I mean, technically, it's not changing me... yet, it is.

God doesn't want me to keep going through school getting bad grades. I'm supposing that, in order to fully "heal", to get to the bottom of my problem, and to do these things by putting in ALL the effort possible, I need to try medication to see what it will do. It would be foolish, and exhibiting illogical stubbornness, for me not to try. Because, like my advisor said-- the side effects of the drug are lesser weights than are the side effects of NOT trying the drug. I know THAT'S true. Whatever it is that is going on in my head, it's ruining my life. If I could fix it myself, I would, but whether I can... is the real question here.

It bothers me-- I feel like my ADD thoughts are self-directed for a major part of my waking hours. I feel that I COULD change the way I focus, simply by carefully monitoring and adjusting my actions, choices, and study or practice schedule. I can already see this working well in school--I'm changing slowly. And yet, my counselor and academic advisor strongly recommend this step regardless.

I just wanted to document, for my future self, that I would prefer to do this on my own, with the power of my own brain--someday!

Partly though, even though these points are strong convictions I have, I guiltily confess to being very excited about this change I'll be experiencing!

I am afraid to give into this excitement, because I know medication isn't always the answer. In fact, likely more often than not, it isn't the answer.

Oh ya... and they think I have anxiety too. Which fuels the ADD. Which spurs on the anxiety. So maybe I just need to stop one in its tracks, and I can climb out of the evil circle! Ha ha:)

Tomorrow morning at nine, I'm off to pick up my prescription slip from Atlantis Health, which I will take to the village market pharmacy. Also, they're going to give me a blood test to see if I have thyroid issues; that can actually cause anxiety, I was surprised to hear!

Well. We will have to see what happens!

Changing - - -

My best friend, Margurite, is helping me out with my "TV addiction". (I hate calling it that, but it's the best way to reference it.) My counselor worked out a solution with me-- we figured that until I gained better self-control, I was going to have to find some permanent way to stop watching TV, because I really need to work on my grades. I'm in school--RIGHT NOW--and there is NO time to work through this. Results have to be immediate.

So... I gave my two laptops to Margurite.

(I had a netbook for studying and a laptop for games, but I never used them for their designated purposes. I watched TV on my netbook and attempted some homework on my laptop and vice versa... It was confusing and disorienting and unorganized, and simply a horrible time waster because I never knew where any of my files were. Also, I was always tempted to watch TV while I was doing homework, because it was only a click away, and because I had just been doing it two seconds ago. It made it all very hard to resist. When I do my homework on the computers in the labs at school, I feel like my purpose their is oriented toward getting schoolwork done--I don't feel so much like taking a break-- and it is much more likely that I will use my time for studying.)

(Ha. unless I'm blogging.)

Margurite's being really nice about it! I mean, she does get to use the computers she's holding for me... but anyway, I am very happy because I am able to focus SO MUCH BETTER!!!

In fact, I can even think more clearly. Everything just makes sense--it's actually kind of weird. I am able to better work through my thoughts and put them into practice. When I have something stressful come up, I can actually deal with it, or solve the problem, instead of postponing it (and therefore never taking care of it) by watching TV.

Every passing day, I can better see my day's schedule and its hours spanning out in front of me, filled with activities that involve learning, studying, and practicing. This is how I plan better. Eventually I want to be very efficient. I get enough sleep now, and I mostly have been making it to classes. Moreover, I actually WANT to go to class, and I can tell that this feeling is much stronger than it has been for... well... years.

I have a lot do do. My days will completely filled with studying, and practicing, and getting up EVERY MORNING, not getting behind in classes, studying, always being to class, always participating, always listening, and being ready for recitals, staying on top of being licenced as a nursing assistant, making sure my classes fit together in the years to come, being aware of any other scholarship and academic program deadlines, making sure all credits transfer to the various educational institutions I will attend, and being ready with information about finances and goals for my demanding father.... the list just goes on and on.

I like the phrase "... my demanding father". It makes him sound unreasonable, and puts me in the spot of the victim. But the truth is, he's not being unfair... "my poor daddy" could be more accurate. He's actually being quite logical about the whole thing. He asked to see better results in my grades, and made sure I understood that if he didn't see it, he would have to stop funding my education. In truth, he's been quite lenient-- this is my third year, as a junior, spring quarter, and he thinks that my efforts--and his money-- have completely gone down the tubes (to an expensive institution, none the less). His work life has been horribly tumultuous as well, where people have been lying and stealing from him. He doesn't like the stress of any of these situations. So it's understandable that he's drawing the line, finally. I'm actually quite glad. In saying he's demanding, though, he is in a good way. He'll come at me and ask DIRECTLY for REAL, CLEAR answers to his questions... so... what I WANT to DO is have good, solid, answers for him at the end of this quarter.

The way I'm going to do this? This week, I am going to practice more piano than I ever have, I think... three hours in the morning, three at night. It's kind of ridiculous, in theory, but it's kind of fun in practice. The idea is, if I do that much, there won't be much time for homework, so I'll learn to get it done more efficiently. I usually waste my time in the evenings to an unnecessary extent, anyways.

Now, I would say, "... here comes the hard part..." to refer to the long road I have ahead of me... but it isn't really true. I mean, yes, the road is long and hard, but the interesting thing is that it NEVER gets any easier, not really. I might get used to having better control in my life, but the consistency I'm going to have to maintain is still very strenuous... especially if I want to go to medical school. (That's... my.... BIG goal. :) )

But the thing that really fascinates me is to see all these people, walking to and from class at Atlantis State University. They all have their own lives that they're working through, just like me. Now... maybe they didn't get addicted to TV like me, and maybe they don't have attention deficit disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder or they don't do drugs or drink or get depressed. (I suspect that many do have at least something like that going on.) But regardless of any problems they may or may not have, pulling them under like rocks tied to their feet, they maintain consistency in their lives, their grades, their relationships. I mean, not everybody does. But the people who DO!! It's amazing. They keep going!! As you might be able to tell... that is what I want to be able to do.

These people make it look easy. That's why I wonder, will it become easy, after time, or will I always feel like this? Every time I practice the piano for more than two hours, lately, (as in, since I've started practicing for real since this last week) it's very difficult. It takes me a great amount of strength to actually finish. Even with the motivation I've recently gained, I struggle through the work like it's deep, deep, mud, and I'm wearing thick, heavy jeans. To think that the people I see around me do these sorts of things EVERY DAY. They do all their homework, every night before they go to bed. They might get behind every once in a while, but for the most part, they catch up and continue on. Plus, they go to work and deal with financial stresses... not to mention their boyfriends....?!! It's very cool.... *sigh*

Someday, I will be beautiful and polished, prepared, and ready to attack anything. I'm going to be a pianist, and I'm going to be a doctor.

And no one can tell me I'm being too idealistic. I believe it.

Distractable me.

Yeah, so I think I'm deciding not to be all excited about my blog and tell my family how to find it. It'll just remain an anonymous thing. That way, it can truly be like a diary--no one (that's in it) will read it. Of course I know that's naive, but I don't have to be TOO specific with my stories. I like sharing!!! :)

The library is a dumb place to study!! I am not concentrating at all. Actually, I suppose I'm doing okay, but I haven't really made very much progress, and I'm frustrated about it. Every time I sit down at the computer to type notes, I want to jump up and leave. My blog, on the other hand, I don't feel like that. I think that's because I feel like I'm never going to finish my homework notes, while I know that my blog is a task I can accomplish (I'm doing it of my own accord, of course). So if I want to sit longer at the computer to do homework... I guess I'm going to need to... kind of... make a choice to do the homework, come to realization of exactly how this can be done (i.e. read or scan a section of the chapter, type down the important points in these bullets under the heading you've typed, and do this until you've finished the chapter.)

When I look at it like that, I'll be able to finish. Yeah, okay! It's late now though, for me, and I need to head to bed in order to get up early like I need to. Here I go!

Avoidance ending now.

Sorry about that. I will now type up what I've been needing to tell.

Of course, I am not yet writing to anyone; I don't think anyone reads my blog. For some reason I feel like admitting that will make this blog less cool. Ha ha! But it's my online diary, it's cool to me even if not to other people, who aren't really able to find it anyway! (I can't find it except by logging in.) Well, okay then...

Back to the part where I said I was addicted: I'm addicted to TV and movies. I am hooked on anime shows. I love anime-style movies like Ponyo and Howl's moving castle. I adore Ichigo Kurosaki (Bleach). I like comedies, romances, action, science fiction, fantasy. I love Alias beginning seasons. I watch Desperate Housewives, Smallville (despite its lameness), Ugly Betty... and I have all the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes on DVD. Oh, and the Matrix ROCKS. And Underworld. I LOVE television and movies!!! It's terrible because once I get started watching, I find some excuse to KEEP watching to the point that I don't get homework done, my showers are sparse, my room gets messy, I don't exercise, I don't go to class, I get cavities, my complexion flares up, I get chubby, my back loses its muscles because I'm always lying on my bed, and then when I go to work (as a nursing assistant) I can't move the day after because all my muscles have ATROPHIED and I strain myself horribly!!! Yes. Long sentence. But most importantly, I don't get my homework done and I am basically heading for a life of loser-hood: no job, teeny apartment, living on welfare, possibly addicted to substances because I'm so depressed about what's happened to my life...

This is because I am an easily stressed out person!! It's silly--I worry about dumb things like how I look, or what people are thinking about me--their impressions--in an irrational way. And I over-analyze things ("now why would they think this? Or that? And if we had a conversation, it would bla bla bla etc etc.") I watch TV, since it's easy to access over the Internet at Atlantis State (the university I'm at), and at the end of the day, or really anytime I am anxious about my life or my actions or my decisions, I use TV shows and movies to help me forget about it. It's an extreme case of procrastination... or just dealing with life.

The problem is, after all this happens, it's hard to stop watching with your own will. SOOOO hard! It's like being addicted to something else, better known for addiction, like drugs or alcohol. Not that I'm saying I know what that's like, I've never tried either of those:)...) But it's hard. For three years, EVERY MORNING, I get up and say I'll do things differently, and I DON'T.

It's like I didn't have control over my decisions, and it was driving me... not ... crazy, literally, but it was VERY VERY irritating. And it ruins your life, rotting it from the inside out. I was spiraling into space.

I now have horrible grades in various classes, many important ones, of which I will be retaking next year. By losing those classes, I wasted a lot of time, not to mention precious money. I was late to classes or didn't go in "hopes" of studying during the missed class--when in all reality, this isn't smart because you get further behind. It was at this time that my teachers were raising their eyebrows, scolding me, sighing at me, glaring at me, or saying "WOW..." over and over. Their questions demanded of me weren't ones I could answer; if I had been able to, I would have done something about the problems I had created. It was all very weighted on my shoulders and it led me to think that I wasn't capable of doing what I wanted in life, career-wise, or anything else. I started to feel bad about everything--that I was fat, that I was pimply, that I had ugly hair. My essays turned to crap, my reading slowed to one page an hour, and I was late to any classes I showed up at. I gained weight, I slept in, I avoided people who wanted to talk to me. Deep down, I was fearful that I was an unpleasant to look at, ditsy, naive, irritating to have around, and an un-wantable failure of a college girl. I didn't long entertain the idea of leaving college and what might happen after that; this was one of the clear indicators that I was avoiding acknowledgement of where my choices were leading me.

Even worse, these feelings made me even more anxious about the state of my life and it caused me to withdraw further. These feelings I'm describing aren't what I always believed; they're less feelings and more emotions that I might have suggested to myself at one time at another, but didn't entertain long. I have a fabulous mom, dad, and little brother who are extremely supportive. We all understand how to love and respect each other and others--a beautiful environment for growing up in--but even with all this, I didn't learn how to make decisions without someone else's help. THAT was my downfall. THAT is what I'm learning to do now (especially I am learning to do the mundane, consistent types of things--studying, practicing, and sleeping at regular times-- that I don't want to do).

Thinking about the time I wasted in college is one of the things that makes me feel even worse about the situation, but instead of pondering the horribleness of it, I'm making an effort to MOVE ON and do BETTER.

Once I was sick of the situation at school, (about 10 weeks ago) I was asking God what I should do about it... and he kinda shoved my mind in the direction of counseling. So that morning, I ended up grabbing an application packet for ASU's counseling program, filling it out, and immediately turning it in. I was slightly nervous, but mostly relieved that I might be fixing my life. Maybe.

It turned out to be a very good thing!! Counseling doesn't solve all your problems immediately--in fact, it is taking forever-- but it does help you see the things you wouldn't have noticed, like obvious things that other people could have told you if you'd asked (but didn't because being messed up is embarrassing).

For instance, I'm learning:
1. how to stop watching TV (get un-addicted)
2. how not to be late
3. how to get up in the morning to your alarm clock
4. how to stay organized
5. how to focus
6. how better adjust to school with my ADD mind, which works like a map with branching roads in different directions, while society (and education) today sets up information and processes linearly (in a straight line).

These are the things I want to do--my goals. Mainly, I want to be a better person overall. I want to do what God wants me to, although that's more of a lofty goal than a true desire, but ultimately, I do want it to be true. I am dying dying dying to lose weight because I am obsessed with being pretty... it taints my day with black paint if I don't like what I see in a random mirror during the day. So my one horribly shallow goal is to be slender and pretty. (As a weight loss prize to myself I am going to bleach my teeth, buy new clothes, get a haircut, eyebrow wax, and a leg wax, those sorts of things....) Also, I want to be a better person for the man I am going to marry someday; I know I'll change in the future, but I want to have some moral codes and good habits and academic success --to be the best I can be-- so he can recognize me. :) Also, I want to be a pianist. Since I'm not amazing yet, I'm not done becoming one. Also, I want to get accepted to medical school, and then of course, FINISH and get a job as a doctor.

There, that's all my goals. My goals are the BIG, LIFETIME things I want to do, before I die. But then there are the steps-- the little, less significant things that take me to my goals, things I really want to do but won't mind in the aftermath if I don't do them. My steps include getting an aquarium, traveling in other countries, stuff like that--my steps list goes on forever. Later I'll post all my goals and steps.

That's the background story on what I've been doing in my life. I'm excited for more changes!! I'm excited to meet someone I can have a relationship with. I'm excited to be a new person who has a life full of water, air, weather, colors, music, people, and love (my favorite things) .

Now it's getting closer to my bedtime... Nerdily I will concede to the terribly unlate hour and head to my room.

Okay, Back to the Story I Was Supposed to Tell You

aaaarrrgg the lab is closing. Ha. I just got here. Anyway, I have to do my homework so I am going to go to the library instead, and I will not be blogging then. Oh well. Later.

Keeping you in suspense. Or NOT-- since if you're not reading this today-- the next blog is already written. How weird (for me)!

Doing Homework

I'm very close-minded! I don't notice what's going on half the time; I'm quite unaware of the world's activities. I don't know about current or past events, I'm traditional and I live within traditions and numerous cultural impressions. I believe in stereotypes! In an effort to understand others' feelings and actions, I inaccurately guess or create what I think I see, resulting in a GIANT case of JUDGMENTAL-ISM! I've got to stop doing this.

Also, I was just thinking that I complain too much, this-- for instance-- is complaining.... But really, it's better to complain and change than to never change. I just have to make sure and actually change, and not simply continue complaining. Right.

Not breaking.

Hey, so I'm back, like I promised, see?

This is such a big hub-lub. I made that up. Not that it isn't true, but I don't think "hub-lub" means anything in the dictionary. Yeah... "hub-lub - no dictionary results". (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hub-lub)

I wanted to mention to myself, for future reference, that all those times that I want to avoid going to the library, in favor of staying in my room, I SHOULDN'T because I ALWAYS feel better after I've gone! At least, if I get something done. It must be the possibility of NOT getting something done that scares me. But I'm a RISK taker, I CAN'T let that scare me!!! BE STRONG, CARA! And everyone else who feels like giving up, even if it's "just this one time", it is NOW that's important!

Oh no, the bell. The library is closing in ten minutes. Let's see how much I can get out of the story I was going to tell you.

Okay. So I have an addiction. They didn't say, "You have to admit you have a problem" or anything but I know it's true. Ha ha. Cause how can you deal with something that you don't believe is an issue?

For instance, if you eat a yummy sandwich with onions and pepper-jack cheese and you don't brush your teeth, you breath may not be very nice-smelling. Then imagine-- everyone around you thinks you have bad breath, when you sit too close to them or if you breathe on them. So think about it: how are you ever going to get rid of your bad breath unless you admit, "Oh, well, yes I suppose I DO have onion breath. That is gross; I will go and brush my teeth now."

See? That's productive. Do something about it. But a girl who is addicted to something doesn't want to stop, at least, not on the surface. Deep down, the girl may want to go to medical school or be a better person or something, but she's putting it off until later-- she's PROCRASTINATING. And addiction is all about the surface emotions: what you're feeling RIGHT THAT SECOND is more important than the ultimate results. Eat cotton candy? Don't eat cotton candy? Well, it sounds good.... (and if you don't have any self-control or discriminatory ability to figure out whether it really IS a good idea, for instance, will you be helping your already-developing cavities to develop even more?). SURFACE EMOTIONS dictate your decisions when you're addicted to something. It sucks. It's like you don't ultimately have control where your life is going.

Of course, the good thing about all this is that you actually DO have control, even if not at all times, there are still a few decisions you can make that can keep you from careening into a tree and losing it completely until you are a LOSER. That's what I don't want to happen to me.

More later! We have to go now:)

Sorry, that wasn't very constructive blogging. Bye.

Wow, security guard was like, "just about finished?

later edit 21:24 October 13, 2010: I think it is really funny here, in the last sentence, I was not able to finish typing those quotes on the end of the sentence because the security guard was freaking me out. I don't like bugging people, and I was there when they needed to close up the library, and they were WAITING on me, and it made me... nervous. So that last sentence signifies that funny thing that was going on at the time I was writing this. :)

NITTY GRITTY!

It's time for me to be honest! I mean, it's not like I've been lying, so I guess I said that because it's a cliche... but either way, I'm going get more detailed about my life. That sounds so mushy and like a psychological-ish help-group kind of thing, but I suppose it is what it is.

And now, with a famous avoidance tactic, I will finish my post without telling you ANYTHING!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Because I have to go to the music building and practice piano. I'll come back later... I promise.

Response to "On being forgotten"

I think I know what it is that is frightening about being forgotten.

Maybe... being forgotten can be equated with being dead; no one notices you're there and you can't interact or connect with other humans. Those you love and who love you are so far away from you that you can't see or hear them. You're lonely; but even more than that, it's like you don't exist--you're GONE. Perhaps, this feels like DEATH.

Or death as we might imagine it, anyway. Death isn't something we understand, so it's not only depressing, but terribly frightening in its unknowable-ness. Mmmmmm.

On Being Forgotten

Have you ever felt really, really sad because it was your birthday and no one remembered? You woke up and there wasn't any presents from your parents or anyone making breakfast--or even anyone at all?

I remember a time when I had that sort of feeling very strongly. Maybe it's loneliness, or something more specific than that. Being forgotten, I suppose. What is it about being forgotten that hurts like that?

Not sure.

But I was thinking (randomly) that there are people in my life, like my mom, for instance, who feel the same way about being forgotten. Some people want to be left alone, while others require attention from their friends and family. But my mom doesn't ask me to remember her. In fact, she repeatedly says that she doesn't WANT attention on mother's day or her birthday. She says this because being appreciated on one day, and not the others, feels superficial. It gets her all sentimental, and then the very next day, we regress to slob-like dish-washing habits, or other shows of ungratefulness, once again. That's depressing, for my mom, no doubt.

Basically, when my mom says she doesn't want appreciation, she says it out of humbleness, or denial, or something else unnecessary and incompletely true...'cause EVERYBODY needs appreciation. Appreciation is love!

I'm going to stop listening to her about this issue.

But only this issue. Not listening about other issues is a bad idea. I'm trying to learn how to accept advice from people more often. :)

I always forget titles!!!

My roommate and I are talking about going home. We love home. My home is where my family is, who I love, and Ishva loves home for her animals and family.

Aaaarg! I'm hungry.

Avatar was a FANTASTIC movie! It's one of my favorites!!!! Ishva says it has exactly the same storyline as Pocahontas, which is ridiculous. I'm too tired to go into why.

New layout->

That took FOREVER...

I just redid the layout. Am I crazy, that I take hours and HOURS, (really) to work on these sort of things?

Yes. I need to try and decide on things earlier.

I also take hours at Walmart to decide on something.

I was doing this at 8pm this evening. I haven't stopped since then.

Oh well!!! My back still needs rest....blech<3

Stinky Broccoli

Yeah, I can tell right now that this is going to be a boring blog! For now, at least. That's okay! I'll work on it. Boring can be good... not really. Okay, I will just not judge my blog. That will work better.

My fish, Archimedes, is dying... it's sad, but I guess it's just cause he's old.

I didn't go to school today; my back keeps me from standing for long periods of time. DUMB! I can't DO ANYTHING, not even practice the piano, which requires sitting up and leaning a lot for hours.

My roommate, Ishva (EESH-vah) is freaking out in the extreme. I made some broccoli soup, and she's got her hand over her mouth and is swearing and repeating the same thing in various ways: "It smells like an exploded sewage tank!"

The sad part is, I think she's right. EWWWWWWW...

We opened the windows and doors in our room, and our floor's door to the southern stairwell. Hopefully it will dissipate... this is embarrassing. <3

First post. (pilot)

Hello there. I've never done this before. I'm surprised at myself-- for blogging, I mean. It always seemed kind of... dumb... self-absorbed... and honestly, I have a hard time believing someone would want to read this! I mean, I wouldn't even want to read it. K well, that's not true always...

I'm a random kind of person; my thoughts go here, and there, and there. It's messy. I understand that. So part of this new blogging thing, for me, will help to organize my thoughts better in the light of other people's expecting eyes. If anyone reads it, of course... ha ha!

I'm going to approach my blog somewhat like a journal; I'm talking to someone, but that someone may be a person, my roommate, God, or myself. It doesn't really matter-- the point is that I write something about something. (That's pretty open in terms of what I can write, I'd say.)

Oh, I'm Cara, nice to meet you! That feels so weird coming off my tongue, it's not my real name. I'm paranoid, mostly cause I'm ignorant on what I should and shouldn't worry about. Regarding identity theft, I guess. Or something! Ha.

But I like the idea of living in Atlantis. I LOVE that movie, the Disney one. I have no idea why... it's the only movie I can watch over and over and over and over (k you get what I mean) again without minding. I mean, over and over to a point, until I want to do something else besides watch movies.

I'm trying to keep my blog simple and unadorned for a bit until I figure out what I want it to be, or head towards, or whatever. Giving it a name was hard enough. I tried to be vague so that it could mold itself, instead of me mold it.

I need to look at this in a blank-screen sort of way, instead trying to fill an idea that I've shaped before I even start.

My back hurts!!! I wrenched it at work. I NEED TO WORK OUT!!!

One of the things I know I WILL talk about, at least some, is losing weight. I'm not fat, but I'm chubby. It doesn't look any better on a tall person, trust me. I mean, in theory it does, but being tall and chubby also has its disadvantages. Like, the yellowy-spotted grass on your side of the fence compared with green grass on the other side might appear inferior, but actually the green grass on the other side of the fence is quite soggy and WET. Life turns out to be that way most of the time, except for more extreme situations, like poverty and death... that I do not understand yet.<3