later edit: IRONICALLY I didn't end up posting this until a day later... because the internet died:) Even though I was so excited about having internet. Here you go!

Hey everybody!! I love you!

I am on a bus, RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

I really can't believe it.

Okay, I'm being a little dramatic because I can believe it. The bus I'm riding is a special one that for some reason is super plush and has internet-- YES INTERNET-- while i'm on the bus.

Anyway, it's true. I know because I've pinched myself (not really, I guess I have taken a reality check, yah) but I have tried this once before, when I took this trip in the opposite direction. So yeah, there is wireless internet while I am mobile.

The internet... on the move.

I am having a hard time fathoming it. No, I'm not. Obviously I am in denial; but anyway!

I've got to get my daily journal-ing done here. Is that not a word or something?

Anyway, yes, I want to start getting journaling done more often. The places I've been staying do not include my parent's house anymore. I am at Job Corps! The United States taxpayers-supported sanctuary for all college and university escapees, high school non-finishers, and not-very-much-money individuals. We're either people who know what a good chance is or we're lazy and love to have crazy fun, smoke, do other stuff, and throw around enough eff bombs around to create an entire eff-bomb-planet-mass (made of eff bombs... guess what happens when they explode?).

Well, let's see. Here is a bible verse I'm going to work on. Wait, first I should show you the one I've already got down. I'm writing this with my computer, not copying and pasting-- it's John three sixteen or The Gospel of John - chapter 3 verse 16.

ヨハネ福音書三章十六節

神様はその一人子を賜ったほどに。この世を愛してくださった。それは、御子を信じるものが一人も滅びないで。 永遠の命を得るためである。



（！！）：）This verse makes me happy. I like it. It also makes me happy that I'm making progress on my Japanese. I hope this is right; I've checked it out a few times but I'm thinking there are some kanji I might should have put differently... :) I don't know for sure. But the best part is that I can hand-write this verse too.

Okay, here's another one I'm wanting to work on. By the way, before I paste this, please note!!! This website is FABULOUS if you're using the Bible for learning another language. I want to be putting God first, but a lot of times I get obsessed with Japanese and forget about prayer or devotional or getting into the Word. So I said, FINE. I will combine them! :) I hope that one of the languages you like is here: http://www.yawill.com/ TRY OUT THAT WEBSITE! If you like bible translations, that is. Or click the link below. (They're the same.)

YAWILL

oh the internet it going wacky.... I'm going to pick GENESIS 1:1. Let's see..... ....

旧約 [Genesis-New Japanese Bible] 創世記 Version:
　　　　　　　　はじ　　　　　てんち　　そうぞう
　　創  1:1　　初めに， 神が 天と 地を 創造した．
　　Gen 1:1　　In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
PDF ver!一
　　１ 　　なに　　とき、　　てんち　　つく
　　１ まだ何もない時、神様は天と地をお造りになりました。

more to come. :) byebye ooh we're in a tunnel...

I'm writing here again! I've been slacking, totally. Actually the truth is, I haven't really had access to Internet. I can send blog texts by phone, though. I suppose I should do that if I want to claim responsibility for real. I mean, one can CLAIM, I suppose, without actually meaning it. But in this case I mean I want to mean it. I want to start writing a lot.

God, do you like that? I am not swearing! I was really talking to God. If you read my posts you know that I do that sometimes. Maybe you do. Anyway.

Argh, I missed a meeting tonight. You will not believe what happened to me this evening in order to make me miss my meeting.

I am here writing on this computer because I don't have Internet access unless I get on the computers here at school. Last time I tried to access my blog it didn't work; something funny must have happened to fix that problem. The system seems to have thought that Blogger is a kind of social networking site or a time-vacuumer. Heehee--

Like for instance, Facebook and YouTube are not accessible through the network I'm using right now. It's got a great government-strength site-blocking system going on.

The last school I was attending (university...two years ago... wow...) probably has one of these walls up now. I know there are ways to get around them, but I've messed around with that stuff before and it didn't get my anywhere but bad places:) so I'm okay with it.

Well, I have it easier than other people; it helps that I am not a person in need of a Facebook fix. However, I can't talk to anyone I know through Facebook!! :( oh well. It does suck up a lot of time!!

Was I talking about something? Yeah, oops, sorry.

I haven't done a post in so long, this abstract and random writing style is bringing back good feelings! :) I'm kind of missing my journal time. :) I'm glad Blogger isn't blocked anymore, dunno what that was about!

Okay. Anyway, back to this evening's events.

I take Zoloft, okay? I think I've documented here when the first time I started taking it was, and so I suppose it was a year or so ago. Yeah, that seems right. Anyway, it's also known as sertraline. It helps many individuals like myself with different mental stuff. I think it boosts one's happy meter, for instance, such as keeping you from getting depressed. But I use it for anxiety; I guess it can function that way too. It also said on my med/Rx info sheet that it works for obsessive compulsive disorder, which I certainly need help with!! XD

So Zoloft/sertraline helps me out. But I'm not on it right now.

Or I should put it this way: I'm coming off Zoloft. I didn't mean it to go that way. It's not recommended; if anyone reading this post is searching for info on whether it's okay to go of Zoloft/sertraline cold turkey, trust me on this: don't do it. Your doctor (hopefully) is a smart person. I like to think for myself; but there are many times in my life when I don't know the answer to questions and I pay someone else for advice. And the info I've gathered tells me that withdrawal symptoms are harsh and unnecessary to deal with. I've never come off drugs (though lately I've spent a lot of time with people who know what it's like! I'm learning about the world:) so I can't tell you what it's like compared to that, and I don't think it's really the same.

BUT! It totally depends on the type of person you are. If you're on Zoloft, it doesn't matter what you went ON it for-- you're going to be WORSE when you go off it. I mean, I am not having suicidal thoughts but I haven't cried this much ever... until I missed my 200 mg dose for a day or two. It messes me up!

I can still think. I'm still Cara. I know myself, I feel myself, I control my thoughts. But I'm still inside my head. And since I can't stand outside of myself, I don't know what I look like to other people.

But every once in a while I am able to notice small things. I notice that I'm not happy, I'm crying, and sitting still without desire to get up. I'm depressed, my social interest is strange and volatile; little things freak me out and my words are thick with meaning and depth. I listen and answer. I feel more... at night. I am much more myself at night. But without Zoloft, this "myself-ness" extends beyond the night and into the morning.

Without my meds I don't have a natural happiness; I flow with life more and go up and down when a wave hits me. Life is fun, but it's also scarier. I think I'm good with anxiety medicine right now because my life isn't stable; it never will be completely, but maybe someday I won't need the medicine once I'm employable, at least :). Right now I am enrolled in one of the top United States Job Corps schools. So I'm getting a basic education to help me succeed in society. It's great, but it requires diligence and concentration.

So as soon as I can I will get back on the medicine that I'm needing. Before I go into why I'm not taking it right now and what happened this evening --

(did you think I was going to explain this to you in a comprehensible, chronological fashion? No way, that's not the way I roll...sorry, I don't even like it myself... I'll highlight and color some words if it helps you...)

-- I will tell you the symptoms, physical and psychological, of going off Zoloft that other people have had, and the ones that I have. Lots of adrenaline, you know, that SHOCK feeling, maybe where you are surprised or trip on a step or somebody jumps out from behind a corner and almost makes you pee your pants. It's like THAT, but only when you're walking around. That's after about three days without the medication. But remember I'm on 200 milligrams and some people take less than that.

Also, whenever I even skip one dose (I take them in the morning) I will end up crying a lot. Of course there's always an emotional trigger-- a fight or a disagreement or feeling of stress or confusion-- but still. I don't cry UNLESS I forgot my pills. Put-tooie!

Anyway, other people say their moods are ridiculous and all over the place-- edgy, moody, practically creeping themselves out. I've also heard that people get suicidal or seem like they're going to hurt somebody ELSE. Even more, you might have trouble sleeping or feel dizzy or have a headache.

Not cool! Anyway, I ran out of my medication even though I thought I had taken care of it, it didn't work out and I ended up being without. Right now I've been without for three full days and I have to wait one to two more. I suppose I'm being overly dramatic, but I feel handicapped, like my iPod is broken and I can't get anything done because I can't hear any happy vocaloid music. It's like being busy with my head so I'm not totally prepared to take on my life.

Anyway, wish me luck. What made my anxiety a lot worse was going to the resident assistant's office and asking for permission to get some of my medicine due to me even though it is the weekend; but nobody could help me and all I ended up with was papers to sign and a lot of questions about whether or not I felt suicidal. Oh, also, lots of time spent with someone watching me while they searched for someone who had better authority so they could authorize a phone call to the on-call (weekend) nurse who could give me advice on whether or not I should head to the emergency room. There was radio communication and multiple telephone calls to the higher-ups and security (like security should be involved in anything psychological in the first place...). Craziness. I could definitely have been clearer about what I wanted: medicine, not anything else like advice or supervision. I did my best not to look like a basket case, but I should have stuck to the "may I get my medicine?" not "I'm gonna go mental without it".

Well, I know what to do next time: plan more effectively and get it done before the weekend. :) Also I learned more about what happens when you try to get help from the RA's office. It's not like they can't do their job; it's just we need someone else here who can do the medical and psychological side of it. The situation was dealt with in a way that made my worries even worse, and if worries are the infection, they aided me by giving me influenza.

Haha. Well I feel much better now. Hey God, thanks for listening. I love ya! Take care of Marguerite too! XOXO

Don't make this wat it isn't. Think wat you've done before can determine what you do now, or tomorrow? You're wrong. Really, really, off. But I can't prove it to you with words, not like this. You can only do something unprecedented on your own; your own action has to be yours only. Do you want to try? How much?

Well, it's not like I have any idea of how difficult your path will be. But at least it's something you can own.

This is a battle. Anxiety! And some text artsy stuff.

I was thinking about... forced pressure, real and unalterable pressure, the difference between my anxiety between the two and the reason for that being that I believe I can change or refuse one of them. I'd like to get used to dealing with any pressure.

The best way to do that is to think　about the situation from an observant perspective! Even more, a LOGICAL perspective. I must stand back and act like a queen at war. This isn't about worrying-- this is about how the little details make up the big details, which determine lives lost and saved, and determines the fate of the battle, and the fate of 戦争 (war).

There is the kind of worrying that I do because I'm anxious. I'm so anxious that my worry builds up and it is very time consuming, really pretty distracting and absorbing, so to avoid it I stop worrying.

Ha. Well, not worrying is good. But IGNORING your problems is bad. And when I "stop worrying" in order to quit feeling anxious, I give up on even thinking about my problems.

It's a useful skill when there's nothing you can do. In fact, it can really hurt, like my dad, for instance, when you have a problem that is you can't fix, or that you have to wait to fix, or that must fix itself, and you can't stop worrying about it. I mean seriously... that's where grey hair comes from.

Okay, I know it's the lack of melanin or hair color, I read that last week. Anyway :)

So I need to think:

Worrying = bad.

Forgetting or avoiding = bad.

therefore ignoring and procrastination also not recommended.

Analyzing like a logical leader of some kind = good.

Analyzing like a logical princess = good.

Use the royalty comparison if you need to feel confident :)

On my computer I refer to myself as 「姫」　「姫様」 and the like

OKAY!!! ONE MORE THING I almost forgot ^^ I'm so excited.

K, so I made this huge list of emoticon kinds of things. I hope you can see this, but if you can't see weird characters or Japanese on your computer it might not work. Anyway, look at this, can you tell who or what it resembles?
〜〰[ ‹⊚´]
__ミΘ`̪´Θミ

〜(‹⊚´)
ﾐΘ` ̠´Θﾐ


k well, it's not too obvious... this is naruto in sage mode, with the frog eyes, and the squigle is his head-band (?) with the tie blowing in the wind. I tried to recreate the leaf symbol... hahaha... anyway, go ahead and use it if you want! it's so dumb, I know.

If you have Japanese fonts on you computer, it's likely you have a lot of symbols available in "Character Map" which is a program available in you computer's accessories or something. On windows, that is. I don't know what you'll find if you have other fonts instead.

Well, I may as well show you the others! :) Be careful. Sometimes these symbols are meant as strange things that don't actually function as text, but change paragraphs around or go underneath other words. Sometimes I accidentally make all the words type backwards. It's very weird.

ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ

☉☉

◞. .◟

◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c ¬_¬ ¬̻¬ º̯º º ̯ º ¬ ̠¬ 〜〰[ ‹⊚´] ミΘ`̪´Θミ ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ ☉☉ ◞. .◟ ◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c ¬̻¬ º̯º º ̯ º ¬ ̠¬ ^̺^ ͡ ̺ ͡ ┏_┏ ﾐΘ` ̠´Θﾐ ミΘ ̯ Θミ ΞﾐΘ_ΘﾐΞ ﾐ▴˛˛▴ﾐ ﾐ ミ ☉ ☉ ◞. .◟ ◞._.◟ ⊣␣⊢ >␣< c_c 　̽̽ ̽　　　

¬_¬ 　 ¬̻ ¬ º̯º º ̯ º


¬ ̠¬ ¬_¬ ¬_¬ ¬ ̠¬


^̺^ ͡ ͡ ͡ ̺ ͡

Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.

The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.

Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)

I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good

This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.

I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!

Not the family kind.

The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH

ANTS!

ANTS! GRRR!!!

I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*

IF I believed in curses........









one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....

he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.

How to play music idea!

!!
music = dance "written music exists to tell how to play it audibly, like a dance instructor exists to show you the steps."
dance = better with good balance
good balance = learned best without eyesight
good balance without eyesight = best done with the basics - exercising and stretching and any other physical movements.
music = dance with your eyes closed - the ultimate form of memorization

I don't know.

One thing I KNOW is that I CAN be great. I HAVE lots of talent. But I also know that talent isn't what will make me successful, no matter how much I have. So, even though it seems logical to be suspicious that I don't have enough talent to make money in piano, that's really not something I should think about if I know what I want and wish for. Even though it doesn't matter as much as I think it does, I don't actually know how talented and super duper my piano skills are. I don't know how much money I can make. I don't know if I can compete with the world of piano. I don't know if I'm too old. I don't know how I look. I don't know how much Dr. Merlin respected me, or how much anyone else did or does. I don't know if I'm capable of having enough determination, business sense, energy, time management, and focus, to succeed in doing ANYTHING about piano.

Put simply, I don't have answers. But that doesn't mean I should hesitate for lack of them! I don't know what can, could, or will happen.

But these questions do bug me a lot. That's why they distract me so much into hesitation. But so what, oh well, big deal.

Here's what I am going to do-- since I have no other ideas, no sure answers, and no rock-solid prophecies to tell me what decision to make next--

Set small stars (my word for goals) only. Do not forget them and move on until they're finished!

And by applying this to my piano adoration and problem :), I get this. I'm going to be an accompanist. (AKA collaborative pianist.) I can be one in Japan, and in the metro near where I live, and my own city. It's a job that can make lots of money if you do it right. And I'm already in a bad position right now. It can't be worse than this, and to top it off I usually do better than my goals anyway. So if I set this small goal, at least I can get there, instead of hesitating. But don't tell me I said that!

I'm going to be a "lowly" accompanist. If that's what I do for the rest of my life, FREAKING A THAT'S AWESOME! What's wrong with having an easy job? Plenty of things, maybe-- but at least I will put my all into doing it well and I'll be doing something that many other people wouldn't want to do. Each career and work you can do in the world is unique. I won't belittle myself by putting down my tinier goals.

No more. Be happy, Cara. Don't be a silly girl, now. Don't be afraid. Step up and do your best!

...now I'm going to look up what an accompanist gets paid so I know what to charge. it looks like I'll find out about all of an accompanist's responsibilities this way, also...

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. (Joshua 1:7) Biblos.com link

Still Trying

Mashed Journal Partly from BEFORE, 2/20/12 at 22:46, 11:18 PM 2/26/2012, 12:29 AM 2/29/2012

Thinking "I'm the victim" or "the other person started it" might make you feel better but that's all it does. It's like un-forgiveness-- if anything, it bothers you the most because it's not taking ownership of the fight, which you surely have a share of. So, INSTEAD of thinking of comeback after comeback and then blaming "anybody else" OR yourself, figure out how I affect another person, and at the same time observe how I am affected by him or her. This way, I am ready to communicate as effectively as possible and taking ownership of what I say. Sensitivity is for beautiful thoughts, things and people. Not terrible things. If you don't like it, just observe it, don't let it in your heart. Instead, let other people's indirect emotions into your heart so that you can respond in the truthful way.
………………………………………………………………………………
And here's the plan: TEST・chart・1.2!

NOTES

Persistence in relationships is better than distance in relationships. Hello, separation and divorce? I'm not giving up like that if I still have a chance. If I've confirmed that living away will have better results no matter how hard I try, then fine! I'll move. So to finally decide what's best, this test.

1. get a job, or the test is invalid and I can't test for a month.

2. try really really REALLY REALLY hard to be completely subservient and obedient. I MUST be able to coexist with everyone. Unless mom and dad order me to work at a strip club or an adult shop on lancaster and also deal drugs, I can just let it go and listen to them. Haha. I mean the trivial stuff that cause fights, really :) just be subservient and humble, obedient, quiet, observant, and listening.

HOW to accomplish not arguing or causing disharmony? Always keep words at the level of conversation, or better yet simply listen. Give in to the little things that don't need to bother me. When I need to refuse or disagree with something, I will do so very politely and without attacking. I have to work to help my family 2-3 hours per day, which comes up to around the same amount of pay that would cover rent in a real apartment.[later add food/buy my own, add utilities, and make the rent luxury, when I'm able to go to church and volunteer and do worship and dinner every night]

Now, an extra note on my rent being that I not upset my housemates. Soooo...my not having a job is a ridiculously large elephant in the room and causes many fights that wouldn't exist except for the tension caused by such an elephant:) I don't know if its possible to do this test until I solve some immediate problems like that. So I want to do that!
And that's it. On to make the chart.
- - - -
Write down the number of arguments per day, with which person, and details on how it started, especially who attacked, and if the barrage was made up of misfires or deliberate gunfire. This test needs to be successful-NO fights for a MONTH before I can consider I've passed. This month is like "rent". A successful "pass" requires a TOTAL lack of MY PART in arguments and disharmony for thirty days.

(although I shouldn't allow others to hurt me either, I've decided 3 times the amount I cause should be okay. Of course that should be zero:) Even if I moved out, I might have trouble with my neighbors, so I'm not considering hurt to me to be worth moving out unless it's more than ten times per month. Technically, getting a job, doing my chores, spending time with family, and never attacking should keep conversations from exploding.)
………………………………………………………………………………
My future, tho fragile, is not my day, it's my FUTURE. When I accept the truth of death and clocks, I can look toward this fragile future and see the stars beyond death and time. Then I will gain self definition, like a contour that makes me.I'm a Princess with a shatter-able mission. I'm unique and it's all about me. What I have to do is IRREPLACEABLE. Silly? Then I've let my self-contour take a hit.You rebuild the casualties to those graceful borderlands in nothing flat, woman. Don't let those people and Divinities you love's guidance, heart pieces, and life-force, get forgotten.

So when some big deal happens to me that I know how to handle, I realize what I can do. I can see how to use my potential and powers to follow God's and my plan for my future. By being aware of the truth about myself and path, I take on an easy confidence based on my true potential so I can focus on what I can DO. Accepting death, time, and my self makes me see the truth, puts the strengths I already *have* in view, and creates confidence along with them. That confidence does not take any "work" to create because confidence is not an obtainable thing. It's a characteristic that I can USE - but only when I've gained the power to see the truth outside and inside my self. It's time to see life as it is: every day is the END for me. Metamorphose procrastination-on-death and lost-battles into real preparation for meeting the unknown.

An ending into a beginning.

見て頃を！神風怪盗ジャンのテーマは：強気に、本気！無敵に、素敵！元気、勇気！

Do kanji every night! Daily! More if I have that power!

Prepare yourself so you're ready to attack. You won't win the war in your pajamas.

journal

I'm a Princess with a mission. And I'm unique, not equally unique as others are, but in an all-about-me sort of way, where I'm absorbed with my own uniqueness and don't care about others' uniqueness. Almost like I'm better than others, except I'm only better in my own eyes.

I matter- what I have to do is IMPORTANT. That importance REALLY can't be denied by anyone else. If I have trouble accepting this right now as I re-read, then I've let my self-contour, my barriers, take a hit. I need a better defense next time, whether it be purposeful or unconscious defense; and that defense had better be indomitable. You repair the damage to those borderlands in nothing flat, woman. Don't let those people you love's guidance and heart pieces get forgotten.

Once I've taken the time to prepare for something, I feel prepared. ha duh... well... So I should make my morning or noon or anytime routine all about getting dressed up, looking pretty. I love looking good. But especially, then I will be ready and can tackle the hard stuff. I'm ready to attack when I'm PREPARED!

Boundaries, Goals, and knowing yourself

My boundaries are much better when I respect myself; when I am more of a distinct person; and to define it more clearly I'll type: a person with a life-plan, a future. A person with a plan has something to respect-- a reason and a meaning for existence. Without a plan, there is less to respect, know, and distinguish. When some big deal happens to me, I become aware of God's plan for me, my own plans,my true potential, my powers, and take on an easy confidence. That doesn't mean I'm happy, it just means I realize that this big deal is something I must be aware of. I sit up straighter, start paying attention, and think about what I can do in the situation. This awareness makes me see the truth, which is that I have confidence based on my true potential. That confidence does not take any "work" to create; I used to think confidence in yourself is hard to have because I didn't have the STRENGTH to just TAKE it already. But confidence is not an obtainable thing. It's a characteristic that I can use only when I've gained the power to see the truth about myself.

I think clearer with plans, goals, and deadlines because they look toward the future. Accepting the truth of death and clocks is, in essence, looking toward the future-- because my goal is beyond death and time.

Ultimately, what I might be trying to say here is that looking at your life from a distant perspective, where you're seeing the entire thing, and you say, "here's the starting point, here's the plan, and down there at the end is the goal" -- THAT is something that will help you make the right decisions, and come closer to being happy.

I'm able to talk about all this "goal" stuff because my goal is kinda cool.

Beware, religious stuff: What I think is: for the second time, Jesus will come back here. He'll wake up the "sleeping" people, and take those sleepyheads, plus the those who are still alive, to heaven where there are beautiful and happy things (don't take this like it's cheesy) and we will belong in a family that loves one another. I adore this truth, because I don't think death makes sense. I think death can't keep going on like this-- live and die. Baby grows up, dies. Over and over. Nope. Eternal life is totally cooler.

(I'm SDA and we interpret the Bible teachings to say this.)

ANKI!!!!!!!! YOU WILL PAY!!!!!!

ＡＡＡＲＲＲＲＲＲＧ
 I am sooooo maaaad at ANKI because IT IS AWESOME but SERIOUSLY I am

OBSESSIVE

COMPUSLIVE

and I take HOURS to make a SIMPLE MODEL!!!!!!!!!!!


AARRRRRRRRRRg.

Now I actually need to begin IMPUT and I'm so hungry I'm about to drop onto my carpet and stay there until I emaciate for lack of strength to get upstairs----

goodbye---

Okay Cara, calm down.

Don't be depressed just because your day isn't going well.

Your future is not your day. Your future is your FUTURE.

Don't forget the stuff that makes me happy! There are wonderful things I'm doing. I've got Japanese kanji to learn today, and exercising to do. I have reasons for things and a path my feet must go down.

While the moment might be sad, your life certainly is not. Look forward. My goal is beyond the stars.

What Do You Think of This Translation?

神風怪盗ジャンヌ

Well, I've never done this before, but here is my translation of this song:

PIECE OF LOVE・Shaznaオリジナル曲

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * 

PIECE OF LOVE

輝く瞬間を                          
かがやく・を・とき・を   
In that sparkling instant       
「とき」is unconventionally written 瞬間・しゅんかん・moment, instant」

いつもいつも夢見てた           
「いつも・いつも・ゆめ・みて・た」
I wish I could have dreamed--always, always

（神風怪盗ジャンヌ)

明日は何かが変わる           
「あした・は・なにか・が・かわる」
Tomorrow, something changes

そんな予感がしてる
I can sense it coming
「そんな・よ、かん・が・してる 」

蜃気楼の中で待つあなたの所まで
in a mirage, you wait in such a faraway place
「しん、き、ろう・の・なか・で・まつ・あなた・の・ところ・まで」

色づきはじめてる街を横目に急ぐ
As I hasten, I glance at a town beginning to color
「いろ付き・はじめてる・まち・を・よこ、め・に・いそぐ」よこめ＝sidelong glance


走り出す君に
I run to you
「はしり・だ・す・きみ・に」


So恋の風を感じた
So, I feel the love in the wind
「ソウ・こい・の・かぜ・を・かんじた」

出逢って突然
and-- suddenly I met you
「で、あって・とつ、ぜん」

盗まれたこのHeartがトキメク
This heart, stolen, beats fast.

I'm really not all that good at Japanese, so I'm pretty sure I interpreted the grammar incorrectly, since others who translated this song wrote some of this differently. Basically, I'm apologizing for guessing... :)

Switch Between Confusing Japanese Keyboard Layouts: Romaji Input and Kana Input! (Simple answer at the bottom)

I am soooo excited about something I just figured out.

Something about Japanese IME has confused me forever. I think it's mostly because of those befuddling explanations, "Here's how you switch between hiragana, katakana, half-width that and half-width this--"

"And you can do it two different ways-- by editing the settings, clicking with the mouse, although using the symmetrical copies of the same keys may not work; also please do "

"And it will be totally backwards if you're running vista, or if you're running XP it could be slightly closer to this model--"

By the way, we hope you're VERY confused by now! If only we could make you, poor little english-japanese-typing-newbie, give up... but with the invention of Copy and Paste, we may not prevail in this effort.... pooohy..."

The settings menus are also very detailed and befuddleoozing.

SO! My keyboard gets confusing every once in a while. I'm just typing along happily in Japanese, entering text into Jisho, Google translate, searching lyrics, or peering at anime and manga on amazon.jp.... and SURPRISE!

The symbols come out wrong. The letters are not what they seem to be. I press は　and get　くち. WHAT IS THIS!?

The keyboard is whacked. My fingers are insane. My brain-muscle coordination has exploded in its capacity for functionalism.

At first I thought something crazy was going on, and I couldn't explain it. I'm very slow that way. …^o.o^…  Then I realized my keyboard layout was different. It was like I was typing on some Japanese keyboard. And I was!

Duh. You can switch between "Kana Imput" and "Romaji Imput". Some keyboards, like the ones Japanese might use, have a layout with little kana on each key. So you don't have to press two keys to get a kana, you can press ONE key.

Romaji imput is obviously going to be easier for us English speakers, since we don't have to learn how to type all over again. I've also heard it said that neither method is especially more efficient than the other.

Here's the shortcut for switching your keyboard layout!-> (make sure to press these keys while in the Japanese IME, which should be activated most simply by pressing alt+shift)

ctrl+shift+capslock

....that's it....

Please note I use Vista! That could make a difference... -.-'   ? ? ?

Guilt. Food. Anime.

I realized something earlier today.

It has to do with the fact that I've been losing weight lately. I believe that my new method is contributing to this fact. I'll tell you my method, but seriously-- this only works if you are the type of person who feels guilty when she eats something that could "make her fat".

I feel guilty a lot. In fact, I think guilt might be one of the most natural things that stir my emotions. But it doesn't necessarily make me feel MOTIVATED. It makes me feel kinda lousy. And when I feel lousy, or depressed, I eat chocolate or watch too much anime. That means I am not studying, exercising, going to work, or spending time with humans.

So I'm living here at home. My family knows I like anime, and I have in the past spent too much time on it. So even though it's something I love a lot, and I've decided to enjoy it even if other people look down on me, but I'm not successful at taking their criticism in a useful way. Everyday, they talk to me about this or that issue that I have. They give advice. My dad wakes me up in the morning, his face white and his voice angry, telling me what I need to do that day. If I'm relaxing it's best to do it somewhere hidden because it's hard to relax when people are talking to you about touchy subjects. I just can't get out of this atmosphere, mentally, and it's tough to stay sane.

So yeah, they're right that this isn't good, I admit it. Because I like life too. I love music and making money and getting educated and dancing and having friends to hang out with. But I can't be that kind of person if I feel guilty about everything "bad" that I do. 

I need to make decisions before I take an action. I will say, "hey, I'm going to do this now" and NOT feel guilty about it. I won't simply eat ice cream or watch anime out of habit-- I'll make the decision to take the time or calories. If I don't want to do it because it's not good for me, or because it's not the time, then I'll make the decision NOT to do this thing. But either way, I will do my best to smash any poisonous, irrational guilt with my sledgehammer until it is as flat as a snake on highway blacktop.

That's kinda how I'm losing weight, too-- while gentle-stretching and heart-pumping exercise is deathly important, it's very essential that I keep in mind at all times not to feel guilty when I splurge on a little something here or there. Because I allow myself to eat literally any food or snack that I want to, (unless I'm full) I am mostly able to eat healthy. I can splurge any time I want. I have self-control BECAUSE I'm not on a diet, I'm free! My decisions are up to me regarding sweets and meals, so I feel free to make good decisions, and it's EASY.

So because it's easy, I don't even have to think about it too hard, and I'm no longer focused on food. In the past, I would worry about my "diet" so that I felt like I needed to "fix" something, which led to me eating. I felt like eating something would help my diet.

I was worried-- and thinking about food all day, excited about my next meal, focusing on food BECAUSE of my diet. Now, I don't feel like I have a problem regarding food, and so my urge to eat in order to "fix" something isn't there.

Of course, it also is necessary to be occupied with something else besides losing weight for this to work, or you won't be able to stop thinking about your diet in the first place. Replace your "eating worry fix" with something else. I replaced it with exercising, piano, Japanese, or looking online for college classes in a nearby city.

And bla bla bla. Thanks for reading! :)

What will I do?

I'm going to get a job on my own. I'm doing it because I want to. I need to do it, and I know that. I am the one in charge. I believe I can do it, and that is a lot. Jesus loves me. I will not cry. I feel sad, but I will succeed. I am not afraid of my fear.

WEIGHT LOSS! Me. Tips. For Sensitive Peeps.

This is a post I made to my weight loss diary at Weight Loss Fitness. (My name is Lindethiel.) I like it and I think it will be helpful to other people who are like me. And myself in the future when I get fat. I hope that doesn't happen, but I bet it's helpful to expect bad things so you avoid them :)

❝I wanted to leave an update :) I guess I started this diary in 2009? That was three years ago....

Anyway, I ended up gaining a bit of weight sometime... Maybe I had gained and lost even before 2009, or something, and I never admitted, but I should say my highest weight was 197.

But I started working out really seriously recently, and also getting busy with music and various activities, and then when I eat, I don't panic. I don't scold myself. I eat whatever I want. I just ate five or six pieces of chocolate, you know, those balls of chocolate that you have to crack on the counter and you get slices kind of like an orange? and an entire tray of Qiueen Anne Cordial Cherries. And now I'm satisfied for chocolate, and I'll go upstairs and eat salad with dressing and sunflower seeds and cheddar cheese, and possibly some toast or boiled and salted vegetables. Eggs sound good too. I'm able to eat anything I want because I'm a wild sort of person... I work out by dancing in front of my TV with my favorite music going, or by stretching a lot, or by jogging, or running around the house cleaning.

I eat healthy most often though, because it tastes better and makes my stomach feel happier. Working out makes you want to eat healthier since you're already in pain in the first place, the food you eat doesn't really matter too much. Since you're starving.

I reached my weight loss present today!! I have more to go, but today I weigh 168!!! Three days in a row, actually. I got to open my manga/comic book set that I'd bought earlier, Nana (ナナ) and I'm super happy about it~! It's lined up in my bookcase right now.

168 is very good for me. Recently I was 187, at my basic "I can't move away from this number" kind of thing. So this is fantastic.

And that's just how it's going so far! :) Thanks, everybody, for being supportive. I'll pray that you guys succeed as well!! :) ♥ [I know I'm a loser for not visiting the forum...for two years.] LOL...

Basically, if I could give one... err, a few tips, it would be like this.

1. Don't focus on food. IF (IF!) food is the problem for you in the first place, and if you don't mind trying something new, try forgetting about your diet. That doesn't mean giving up on your health and trying to kill yourself with cotton candy and fried chicken and potato chips just because you missed them. It means NOT beating yourself up about everything that goes in your mouth, and thinking you're a failure or a gross person. And your mouth NOT is a trashcan. If you go on diets a lot, this is hard to do because you (might) have trained yourself to worry a lot about your self control, what you eat, and bla bla bla. So you don't even trust yourself anymore.

So yeah, you should eat healthy. Some foods are bad for your heart and your joints and your life. But cracking your skull repeatedly on a brick wall as mental punishment will not make your self-control better. It's going to make you weak and afraid and embarrassed and not able to take hold of your problem and strangle it.

If you feel shame about how you are now, that might help you lose weight. But for me personally, it doesn't help me to slam my head into the wall of "reality" too many times. You COULD try accepting yourself, your body, your shape, even while you want to change yourself. You don't have to hate what you want to change about yourself. For instance, accept that you are handsome or beautiful, but tell yourself and other people you are losing weight for your HEALTH.

INSTEAD, FOCUS ON LIVING, GETTING FIT (no matter what age you are, get fit for that age) AND ENJOY IT. Get busy with that, and busy with trying your best to be happy and positive and cool and collected. And it's not easy, so don't be surprised if it doesn't work right away. You're going to have to work your butt off. And when you think you're at your limit, you have to keep going another twenty miles.



Other stuff that MAY help you...
2. make weight loss goals that are tiny. Even better, goals that you know you can make it to.
3. Weigh every day at the same time. (poop and meals and fluid in your body will change your weight, so take weight at the same time every day for accuracy.)
4. Accept what's going on. Admit the truth. If you gained weight, say it out loud. If you feel like punching the wall or crying, don't pretend you aren't upset by hiding it.
5. Don't make excuses, especially not to yourself. If you do that, you trying to make yourself feel better about making mistakes. If you just admit that sometimes you're going to fail, it isn't so difficult to try.
6. just believe in yourself already. There's no other way to have confidence except by taking it.❞