WHAT I DID TODAY: I got up late again today. At one. Blech. I spent time watching Tokyo Mew Mew, then I went and had Sabbath lunch with my family. It was fun!
We laughed about how rude Teddy is with his frequent burping when drinking soda. He likes to "impress" but really is just being... well, a little ew. We can never get him to stop doing that. My mom stresses that we shouldn't yell at him and make him feel bad. I think that we could at least set some rules about being polite, but I suppose allowing it is better than making him feel like we hate him, haha. :)
After dinner I cleaned my room. Actually, it was pretty off and on, but I tried to stay on-task. It was a big job, but it was worth it. It took me all day, besides taking breaks. I'm not done yet, but the room is clean, it's just that there are a lot of boxes laying around with things I need to organize or sort through for giveaways. Next, I have to go through all those papers, figure out my finances and pay tithe, and finish my to-do lists. Paper stuff....
Today my cousin and her husband came to visit us! They are downstairs sleeping right now, using my room during their stay.
QUILT STORY: That's why I was cleaning it like mad. Since my silver silk comforter is at the dry cleaner's, I snuck out of the house Friday night to buy a cheap-o quilt from Walmart. It was a scary affair, because I kept forgetting things like my coat and I dropped things outside in the dark, somewhere in the gravel... and I had to sneak around looking for everything and making it look like I was only going for the mail. (Sabbaths-- from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown-- are the days of the week when we don't work, do business, or worry about things. We just relax. So going to the store is something we try to avoid, and I didn't want to make my mom sad. She was happy when I brought back bananas though! :)
QUILT HORROR: When I placed the quilt on the bed, (after finishing dusting, vacuuming, organizing, and moving stuff) I was horrified. Unfortunately for Allison, I was in a hyper, wild mood, mostly because I'd been cleaning hyper-actively and listening to music. My emotions burst out in a very realistic sounding sobbing when I said, "UUUUGGHGHHH!!! It's so UUUGGGLLY!!!" A few times.
She peeked into my room, all worried-looking, so I tried to explain, but I was too hyper to make it sound reasonable anyway. I hope people around me aren't driven crazy by my emotional antics. I just like SHOWING EMOTION, it's not like I feel out of control because of them-- in fact, sometimes when I'm crying about something is when I feel more in control. Being able to let emotions out makes you more in control of how you feel, whether or not you look like it on the outside. Weird, huh? But it's true.
Anyway, really, the bed cover is okay. It took me a while to get used to it, and I had to modify a few of the accent pillows. At first, I couldn't stand it, but I think I'm just not used to using peaches in my decorating.
Plus, the quilt overall is lacking color intensity. It's like you're looking through a very thin bit of waxed paper to see the quilt. I guess I mean the colors are slighltly dull. But at the same time, they're terribly contrasting and are too wild and chaotic to look at. They catch your eye, but once they do, it causes you pain.
Green, peach, purple, beige, you understand what I mean, right? I used some brown pillows to mellow it out, but I couldn't avoid using a deep red under-blanket that made it look like the comforter was bleeding.
I'm being dramatic, most people would say it looks fine, but I certainly wouldn't be satisfied if I was designing for something serious. It's just my room, so... I can get used to it. :)
VISITING COUSINS: I was so surprised to see Salli (my cousin). I never really spent time talking with my cousins when I'd go to family reunions (on my mom's side). Either that, or I don't remember well. I think that as I got older, I became more shy, and I avoided getting close to people or sharing bits of myself. I didn't WANT to be close to others, so sharing intimate things about myself wasn't on my to-do list. But talking with Salli is so much fun! She has good advice and she's smart and talkative and sweet. I don't feel awkward or embarrassed or even very shy. Most importantly, I can explain problems I'm dealing with to her and she can talk about that with me instead of me feeling like I have to hide those things. (Stuff about having to leave college badly half-finished, not being able to pick a career or a major, etc.) Tomorrow we're going to do something fun, before I go to work at two.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Epiphanies All Day!
Today, ALL OF A SUDDEN, when I was talking to my mom... I realized some things. And I became suddenly motivated, like, I don't know why!
I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!
I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.
But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.
But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.
1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)
2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.
3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.
I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!
I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.
But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.
But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.
1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)
2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.
3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Hello in Japanese!... I think?
こにちわ！日本語です！ごめ、that was just for fun. I don't know much of what I am writing there. It should say, "Konichiwa! Nihongo desu! Gome" or "Hello! It's Japanese! Sorry" ... because I don't actually know any Japanese and I feel silly attempting something that I don't know anything about. I don't think I used the correct writing systems just now. Hahaha it's embarrassing....
Anyway, I am excited to start my day tomorrow! Wish me luck. No. Luck doesn't exist. But you know what I mean! I am going to start writing how everything goes, in detail, so I have to be... accountable. Tomorrow I'll expect (from myself haha...) a full report. I want to start writing about my LIFE more, and less theorizing! Here goes!!
Anyway, I am excited to start my day tomorrow! Wish me luck. No. Luck doesn't exist. But you know what I mean! I am going to start writing how everything goes, in detail, so I have to be... accountable. Tomorrow I'll expect (from myself haha...) a full report. I want to start writing about my LIFE more, and less theorizing! Here goes!!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Take a Walk Outside!
I went for a walk today outside with the dog, Jellybean. She sits outside every day in her boring pen, on cement, with just a rug. Her doghouse was thrown out a while ago because it... I can't remember, was so chewed up? Or it wouldn't snap back together after we'd taken it apart to clean it so many times? Something like that.
But I have this weird feeling that her eyes are sad, and I don't know what to do about it. I wish we spent more time with her. It FRUSTRATES me that she lives in that pen all her life, and only gets to come out of it two different hours of the day, morning and night, to eat and walk. But that's boring. Why do we have a dog if she only serves to be a chore twice a day? She's not a companion or someone to hang out with, she's a task. Arrrggg. My family is particular about things like germs and things, so it's hard to change rules like this. Jellybean will run away if we let her run loose, and she would dig under a fence. A leash or some sort of other device might work, but the repercussions are uncertain (getting tangled, electric fence ineffective, etc) and so I just don't see a solution to her solitude problem....
Anyway, we walked around the pond today. There are two separate pools, separated by one large bridge, and another bridge over a creek a little down the ways, and over by a large shade of trees, willow, and other deciduous-- a log-bridge spans a smooth pathway of water. I sat on the log-bridge today, in my jeans, pink boots dangling, even though it was a little damp, with Cat trying to climb into my lap, and Jellybean carelessly balancing on her four feet. The larger pool, in view ahead of us, was very smooth and still, like glass, with the beautiful willow tree draping gracefully, evening down to the tips of limey leaves like slender fingers, barely disturbing the delicate surface. Since it has been raining here for days, the grass everywhere is as green as if it was dyed with HOT green St. Patrick's day dye. It's so beautiful! And very calm. It was evening, about five o'clock, when I went out. Now, it's twilight and the willow's leaves have become black silhouettes against the grey-blue.
The clouds were gray, and the air was cool but not cold. The prettiest thing is all those deep, bright, apple-red leaves on the trees, and the orangey-brown ones on the ground. There are even a few trees with a soothing, refreshing color of yellow still on their branches, but with the weather lately, the trees are starting to show their skeletons, like a mourning in preparation for winter. But I like winter-- the contrast between the hot and cold makes me think of Christmas-- warm twinkling colors, hot soup, warm socks and slippers, and the smell of heat coming from the furnace. I like that familiar "whhhoooooooSSSSHHH" it makes when it turns on-- and when I'm cold enough to accept more heat. It feels very nice.... Lately it has begun to smell like Christmas around the house.
I'm sorry, am I bugging you with this talk about Christmas? It's really only supposed to be Halloween. And the weather is certainly appropriate. I can see why so many people refer to Fall as their favorite season. It's really captivating.
But I have this weird feeling that her eyes are sad, and I don't know what to do about it. I wish we spent more time with her. It FRUSTRATES me that she lives in that pen all her life, and only gets to come out of it two different hours of the day, morning and night, to eat and walk. But that's boring. Why do we have a dog if she only serves to be a chore twice a day? She's not a companion or someone to hang out with, she's a task. Arrrggg. My family is particular about things like germs and things, so it's hard to change rules like this. Jellybean will run away if we let her run loose, and she would dig under a fence. A leash or some sort of other device might work, but the repercussions are uncertain (getting tangled, electric fence ineffective, etc) and so I just don't see a solution to her solitude problem....
Anyway, we walked around the pond today. There are two separate pools, separated by one large bridge, and another bridge over a creek a little down the ways, and over by a large shade of trees, willow, and other deciduous-- a log-bridge spans a smooth pathway of water. I sat on the log-bridge today, in my jeans, pink boots dangling, even though it was a little damp, with Cat trying to climb into my lap, and Jellybean carelessly balancing on her four feet. The larger pool, in view ahead of us, was very smooth and still, like glass, with the beautiful willow tree draping gracefully, evening down to the tips of limey leaves like slender fingers, barely disturbing the delicate surface. Since it has been raining here for days, the grass everywhere is as green as if it was dyed with HOT green St. Patrick's day dye. It's so beautiful! And very calm. It was evening, about five o'clock, when I went out. Now, it's twilight and the willow's leaves have become black silhouettes against the grey-blue.
The clouds were gray, and the air was cool but not cold. The prettiest thing is all those deep, bright, apple-red leaves on the trees, and the orangey-brown ones on the ground. There are even a few trees with a soothing, refreshing color of yellow still on their branches, but with the weather lately, the trees are starting to show their skeletons, like a mourning in preparation for winter. But I like winter-- the contrast between the hot and cold makes me think of Christmas-- warm twinkling colors, hot soup, warm socks and slippers, and the smell of heat coming from the furnace. I like that familiar "whhhoooooooSSSSHHH" it makes when it turns on-- and when I'm cold enough to accept more heat. It feels very nice.... Lately it has begun to smell like Christmas around the house.
I'm sorry, am I bugging you with this talk about Christmas? It's really only supposed to be Halloween. And the weather is certainly appropriate. I can see why so many people refer to Fall as their favorite season. It's really captivating.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Ocean?
I'm feeling very excited. I've got an image in my head-- and if I stop to think what she, he, them-- what they think--?
SILLY! What, silly?! How about useless!? I don't have to worry what they think. Worry is useless when it's only about yourself. Ha. :)
Running on the beach with bare feet! Sand under your feet, and it's hard to run. Solitary-- ocean air, focused. What should I do-- where should I go? Here, it doesn't matter. I'm happy here.
I can't begin to guess what this life might be like. I know it will contain things I don't expect, but at the same time, I can almost guess what those things are.
I'm getting ready for this. I'm ready to get up and run towards it.
SILLY! What, silly?! How about useless!? I don't have to worry what they think. Worry is useless when it's only about yourself. Ha. :)
Running on the beach with bare feet! Sand under your feet, and it's hard to run. Solitary-- ocean air, focused. What should I do-- where should I go? Here, it doesn't matter. I'm happy here.
I can't begin to guess what this life might be like. I know it will contain things I don't expect, but at the same time, I can almost guess what those things are.
I'm getting ready for this. I'm ready to get up and run towards it.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Another One!
I just made this list of things that are important to me. Lately I have been making lists to try and organize my life and my activities, and though they are good lists, this one is simpler in that it's more "priorities" based instead of "task" based. This one, instead, is more oriented toward gathering up all those little tasks in a few big fistfuls, so that I can figure out which things to do first. That way, I can look at my life and start getting things I need to done instead of worrying about where to start and then letting that stall me.
I think this is pretty comprehensive. Some might argue that I'm forgetting about friends, and I did include that, but either way, I will be a better person when I find lots of time to hang out with my friends, but I don't think that's what makes me who I am. I do really well on my own, too, and friends are things that will happen to me more than I'll be going out and making and effort to find them. The friends I want to make are the kind that I can talk to because we understand each other, not the kind who can get me into parties or who can help me get dates with hot guys. Hee hee. I feel the same way about dating as I do about making friends, actually. Friends and dating should provide benefits for everybody, not just for me!
connection to God - praying, knowledge, meditating
cleanliness - me, my surroundings
responsibility - work/finances, cleaning up after myself, taking part in helping out around house and caring for my family and friends
working out - exercise!
relaxation - just for me
reading, learning, and creating - for my mind
studying - for my future
cleanliness - me, my surroundings
responsibility - work/finances, cleaning up after myself, taking part in helping out around house and caring for my family and friends
working out - exercise!
relaxation - just for me
reading, learning, and creating - for my mind
studying - for my future
I think this is pretty comprehensive. Some might argue that I'm forgetting about friends, and I did include that, but either way, I will be a better person when I find lots of time to hang out with my friends, but I don't think that's what makes me who I am. I do really well on my own, too, and friends are things that will happen to me more than I'll be going out and making and effort to find them. The friends I want to make are the kind that I can talk to because we understand each other, not the kind who can get me into parties or who can help me get dates with hot guys. Hee hee. I feel the same way about dating as I do about making friends, actually. Friends and dating should provide benefits for everybody, not just for me!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Self-demolishment!!
I had a really great idea an hour ago. Instead of making myself "goals" lists and simply worrying about those goals, I should punish myself daily for not completing them.
Haha.
I'm really great with self-criticism and self-punishment. Quite skilled, actually! I'm going to utilize my self-demolishment abilities and force myself to do extra chores and things when I don't accomplish daily goals. That way, instead of feeling sad about it, I'll just have to get busy!
But seriously, I'm not going to get anywhere with my goals if I just think about them and slowly "try" over and over again. I have to take more... definitive action. I think I've been being too soft on myself.
I'm going to pretend I'm being forced, like a servant, or something. It'll be fun!
Oh, I figured out how to type Japanese even better with my computer! I can toggle between the languages with my keyboard now, instead of clicking my mouse. Like this...
alt+shift to switch between English and 日本語
once you're using the 日本語 keyboard, press shift+capslock to toggle between ひらがな and alphanumeric full-width. to get directly to ひらがな, you can also use ctrl+capslock. I don't know how to get the half-width alphanumeric without clicking, oh well!
for カタカナ just press alt+capslock (but like with the other options, it only works if you were already in the 日本語 mode/keyboard/imput mode, accessed by pressing alt+shift.)
It doesn't seem like many people have the handle on it, because I had a hard time finding it on the internet. Maybe I just wasn't looking in the right places. The options in the control panel (for PCs) is super confusing!!! And impossible to decipher.
It's a lot easier after I figured this part out, but it still takes some time to type. Of course, since I am completely clueless about Kanji, I can't really type Japanese anyway, except in hiragana and katakana.
Haha.
I'm really great with self-criticism and self-punishment. Quite skilled, actually! I'm going to utilize my self-demolishment abilities and force myself to do extra chores and things when I don't accomplish daily goals. That way, instead of feeling sad about it, I'll just have to get busy!
But seriously, I'm not going to get anywhere with my goals if I just think about them and slowly "try" over and over again. I have to take more... definitive action. I think I've been being too soft on myself.
I'm going to pretend I'm being forced, like a servant, or something. It'll be fun!
Oh, I figured out how to type Japanese even better with my computer! I can toggle between the languages with my keyboard now, instead of clicking my mouse. Like this...
alt+shift to switch between English and 日本語
once you're using the 日本語 keyboard, press shift+capslock to toggle between ひらがな and alphanumeric full-width. to get directly to ひらがな, you can also use ctrl+capslock. I don't know how to get the half-width alphanumeric without clicking, oh well!
for カタカナ just press alt+capslock (but like with the other options, it only works if you were already in the 日本語 mode/keyboard/imput mode, accessed by pressing alt+shift.)
It doesn't seem like many people have the handle on it, because I had a hard time finding it on the internet. Maybe I just wasn't looking in the right places. The options in the control panel (for PCs) is super confusing!!! And impossible to decipher.
It's a lot easier after I figured this part out, but it still takes some time to type. Of course, since I am completely clueless about Kanji, I can't really type Japanese anyway, except in hiragana and katakana.
By George, I Think She's Got It!
Life is something where you go to work or school every day. It's just how it is, it's not something I'm going to avoid. Thinking that I don't need to is only temporary-- eventually, I have to accept that working is important, and I have to get out there and get a job. However, it's important that I keep looking until I find one that is good for me: one that 1) I enjoy doing its activities 2) I can make friends there 3) pays enough money that it's worth doing. Okay, me! Get out there! :) I can't believe I didn't realize this before. I'm glad it seems so obvious now. I know I'm going to forget....
free for all. stop freaking. focus on now - breathe - dance - the music fades out -
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .life begins, and a new track comes on the radio -
free for all. stop freaking. focus on now - breathe - dance - the music fades out -
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .life begins, and a new track comes on the radio -
Saturday, October 16, 2010
To Alex
This is for Alex. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say that's better than that. I'm kind of like that crazy girl you were talking about on the phone. Except I'd say I more of a bitch.
To be so cruel, twice? I don't think I know how to handle this stuff, and I can't communicate how I feel, either. That's why it happened in the first place, I guess.
But that's not the point.
I want you to know that you are an awesome person, and I completely respect you. You're funny, and unique, and caring. Those are really good things, and that's what I liked about you. I'm sorry, I suck at apology letters. I'm sure I'm doing this all wrong! Anyway, you deserve somebody who loves you because of your awesomeness, and you'll meet her someday, I'm sure. I'll pray for it. It's not me, though. So I hope you forget me, because I shouldn't be anybody to you. I wasn't fair to you, and you shouldn't let a girl be like that to you!!
左様なら。
To be so cruel, twice? I don't think I know how to handle this stuff, and I can't communicate how I feel, either. That's why it happened in the first place, I guess.
But that's not the point.
I want you to know that you are an awesome person, and I completely respect you. You're funny, and unique, and caring. Those are really good things, and that's what I liked about you. I'm sorry, I suck at apology letters. I'm sure I'm doing this all wrong! Anyway, you deserve somebody who loves you because of your awesomeness, and you'll meet her someday, I'm sure. I'll pray for it. It's not me, though. So I hope you forget me, because I shouldn't be anybody to you. I wasn't fair to you, and you shouldn't let a girl be like that to you!!
左様なら。
Random Short on Consistency!
I just thought of something. I am really down on myself lately. I know that's not healthy, but I'm still just very... self critical. Right? Okay. But the good thing is...
I'm not as terribly inconsistent and useless as I make myself out to be. From some people's point of view, yes, I don't have a very good way to make money, and that means I'm not very successful in, well, the real world. I know that.
But. I have been consistent with a few things lately. Writing in my blog-- for instance-- I've held out and made an entry practically every day... for months. That's amazing. I didn't expect I'd be so consistent about it. It really is helping me sort out my thoughts, though.
I also have very consistently watched a lot of anime.
Haha.
No really, I know that's not as much of an accomplishment... at all... except that now I want to learn Japanese, and I seriously am a lot closer than most people because of all the anime I watch. So--
NO NO NO! Bad excuse. I still need to balance my time better.
Anyway, at least I know I can be consistent with something. I just have to apply that to other things, right?
Awesome. :) Think of school, work, and working at relationships with family and friends... like the way I'm consistent with anime and my blog... because I love them, I think. I just have to learn how to love school and work!
Ha-- it sounds easy that way. I know it's not, but making comparisons like that really help!
I'm not as terribly inconsistent and useless as I make myself out to be. From some people's point of view, yes, I don't have a very good way to make money, and that means I'm not very successful in, well, the real world. I know that.
But. I have been consistent with a few things lately. Writing in my blog-- for instance-- I've held out and made an entry practically every day... for months. That's amazing. I didn't expect I'd be so consistent about it. It really is helping me sort out my thoughts, though.
I also have very consistently watched a lot of anime.
Haha.
No really, I know that's not as much of an accomplishment... at all... except that now I want to learn Japanese, and I seriously am a lot closer than most people because of all the anime I watch. So--
NO NO NO! Bad excuse. I still need to balance my time better.
Anyway, at least I know I can be consistent with something. I just have to apply that to other things, right?
Awesome. :) Think of school, work, and working at relationships with family and friends... like the way I'm consistent with anime and my blog... because I love them, I think. I just have to learn how to love school and work!
Ha-- it sounds easy that way. I know it's not, but making comparisons like that really help!
Ground Zero: Depressed! Or Not!
I made a new goal list, in >>Ground Zero>>. I make new ones so much, I'm starting to doubt in their value. What if it's all hopeless-- that everything I try to do will never end up in the place I want it to be in? I try and try and try, but am I pushing against a brick wall-- and the wrong one, at that? Am I confused because I'm lost for a path, or am I lost only because I feel that way?
It's the latter, it must be! I'm not lost, I just think I am. Sometimes "trying harder" and "trying again" seem like the only answers available.
But there must be another one. I have tried harder, and again. "Third time's a charm" won't work this time, 'cause it's far past the third time!!! Am I lying to myself, and missing something essential?
I can look at my stupid goals list as many times as I want, but I don't know if that's a solution. It hasn't worked yet. It makes me want to cry.
There MUST be a solution. I might just make it.
I'm trying too hard... in the wrong way. I make lists like this, but it's hard to focus on all of things at once. I'm being too idealistic in thinking that my life will be perfect if I could just follow a list like that.
Right?
Here I go. Again. I'm trying again. I will do this. I will fight. I'm going. Now.
It's the latter, it must be! I'm not lost, I just think I am. Sometimes "trying harder" and "trying again" seem like the only answers available.
But there must be another one. I have tried harder, and again. "Third time's a charm" won't work this time, 'cause it's far past the third time!!! Am I lying to myself, and missing something essential?
I can look at my stupid goals list as many times as I want, but I don't know if that's a solution. It hasn't worked yet. It makes me want to cry.
There MUST be a solution. I might just make it.
I'm trying too hard... in the wrong way. I make lists like this, but it's hard to focus on all of things at once. I'm being too idealistic in thinking that my life will be perfect if I could just follow a list like that.
Right?
>:-[
I'm printing out that list, and I'm carrying it around my neck on a string. I'll do anything. I'm going to pray, too. Every time. Number nine. That is probably the obvious thing I'm missing.
There is no ideal, not really. I can't make it. Life is about aspiring for something you can't ever reach. For me, at least, as an idealist, I'll never get everything I want. But I can be happy with what I have, too. Time to reach for the stars.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Enemy! Face Your Doubt to Conquer!
Dancing! I love dancing. I dance in my garage. It is a good workout. And now... to become skinnier! I'm going to have to eat less sugary things. *tears* Dancing helps me imagine. It's beautiful, and freeing, and wild.
I feel confused today. Should I keep thinking about using music as my career? Music, and language?
It's the best idea. It's what I like. I don't know why I would want to do something else. I am just so be-fuddled.
Okay. So what should a person do when she or he has recurring doubts? She quells her doubts, but the next day, the next month-- they come back. Like a stalker you previously had avoided, or spilled rice, or spray-and-wash on skin, doubt haunts through dark shadows. It breathes cold, scratchy fear down your back. I hate it. And yet, this should be something that a human can stop with her own hands, and her own mind. Why do I let doubt scare me so badly?
Maybe... I can fight it. If I thought of doubt as it truly is-- an opponent, my 敵-- I would have the will to fight it. Only when you admit you're afraid do you really find the strength to turn around and attack what was scaring you.
I have my own story, and I am the heroine. I must do my best to succeed. When I do, I won't feel like a different person-- because I'll always be Cara. That's me. My success is already inside me. My future is inside me. My dreams-- glowing orbs-- lights-- I can see them at the end of the mountain train tunnel. I can see the light, but I'm unaware of the landscape where the tracks lead. I CAN be beautiful, and loving, and share my dreams with others who can't find their own, just like I feel now. That's what I want to do....
Spend too much time trying to decide, and you become unable to remember what you finally did decide on. My brain feels like it's been in the toaster too long.
Or re-re-re-fried beans. Do they really fry those??
I'd better stop before I type anything more.
I feel confused today. Should I keep thinking about using music as my career? Music, and language?
It's the best idea. It's what I like. I don't know why I would want to do something else. I am just so be-fuddled.
Okay. So what should a person do when she or he has recurring doubts? She quells her doubts, but the next day, the next month-- they come back. Like a stalker you previously had avoided, or spilled rice, or spray-and-wash on skin, doubt haunts through dark shadows. It breathes cold, scratchy fear down your back. I hate it. And yet, this should be something that a human can stop with her own hands, and her own mind. Why do I let doubt scare me so badly?
Maybe... I can fight it. If I thought of doubt as it truly is-- an opponent, my 敵-- I would have the will to fight it. Only when you admit you're afraid do you really find the strength to turn around and attack what was scaring you.
I have my own story, and I am the heroine. I must do my best to succeed. When I do, I won't feel like a different person-- because I'll always be Cara. That's me. My success is already inside me. My future is inside me. My dreams-- glowing orbs-- lights-- I can see them at the end of the mountain train tunnel. I can see the light, but I'm unaware of the landscape where the tracks lead. I CAN be beautiful, and loving, and share my dreams with others who can't find their own, just like I feel now. That's what I want to do....
Spend too much time trying to decide, and you become unable to remember what you finally did decide on. My brain feels like it's been in the toaster too long.
Or re-re-re-fried beans. Do they really fry those??
I'd better stop before I type anything more.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Why? A Thousand Miles!
I don't know how hard this is for other people, but I can never seem to be positive. Or something. I mean... more specifically, I am a very un-confident person. I'm trying to fix that!!
I wrote this down today on a piece of paper. It's the answer to the question why. Kind of in general... maybe more directly "why life?".
"Y? Because I want to reach my dreams. I don't know all my dreams yet. But I'm going to keep looking toward them, and imagining what I can't see. Sometimes I think that only in my imagination is where truth really exists. that is the place where I see clouds, lots of blue or in contrast, a storm -- endless flat horizons, a swirl of uplifting air, and heart-stopping heights with views of a thousand miles. A salty breeze, a sea of purple, lakes of silken smooth green, and other things we don't know."
I want to use my imagination more. I let myself get down about things in life-- the immediate things-- when I don't look deeper into truth, into the unreal, or perhaps the more real, the real truth. What is life? THIS is not all there is. I KNOW that, if only at least.
I wrote this down today on a piece of paper. It's the answer to the question why. Kind of in general... maybe more directly "why life?".
"Y? Because I want to reach my dreams. I don't know all my dreams yet. But I'm going to keep looking toward them, and imagining what I can't see. Sometimes I think that only in my imagination is where truth really exists. that is the place where I see clouds, lots of blue or in contrast, a storm -- endless flat horizons, a swirl of uplifting air, and heart-stopping heights with views of a thousand miles. A salty breeze, a sea of purple, lakes of silken smooth green, and other things we don't know."
I want to use my imagination more. I let myself get down about things in life-- the immediate things-- when I don't look deeper into truth, into the unreal, or perhaps the more real, the real truth. What is life? THIS is not all there is. I KNOW that, if only at least.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Moooooorrree Schedule!!!!!
K. I was trying to make my new schedule too complicated. It's good to schedule down to the hour, the half hour, even close to the minute, if you need to be really efficient. But if you don't stay focused on that planner, or whatever it is you use to record that schedule in, you forget what you wrote.
My schedule that I create needs to be simple on the outside, with four main sections of the day. I can create a schedule at first, but eventually I need to memorize it. Planners will be for appointments, and it'll go with my wallet or whatever, but I have to learn how to keep a schedule in my head instead. In the end, my producitivity will be much more powerful if I memorize my schedule instead. I have never been able to hold a schedule for a day straight by writing it in a planner, so I dunno what I was thinking!! Haha.
When I say "memorize" I just mean that I need to know what MAIN sort of... subjects... I'll be doing that day. For instance, "I'm working, studying, and going to two classes" or "I'm cleaning the downstairs and practicing piano" or "I'm taking my brother to the fair". From there, I can break the larger tasks down into smaller pieces, with my own brain.
If I act like I don't trust my decision making skills in the moment, I'll never be able to do anything with a planner. And my planner idea wasn't working anyway.
So, I was just using my failure and confusion about my schedule-writing attempts as an excuse to try again and again what wasn't working in the first place. "I'll try again, I'll try again!" Meh.... Scrap that!
Different types of days: work day, sabbath, cleaning day, personal day, family day (combine-able)
Different sections ("time for" sections ... like sleep, study, etc) are: sleep, devotional, study, workout, relax, entertainment, cleaning.
Do I need to add to these??? hrrmmm, I think so.
no section for eating. if I create a section, I'll allow it too much time. you can eat while you do other stuff, so it doesn't legally deserve a section.
coo. more later.
Oh hey. I'm looking for more jobs tomorrow. Yay me. No really. Okay I'm kinda depressed about it. But I'm actually going to do it... or start on it... or something. Really.
And I do have a job already. It's just not very good. :) for the $$ I mean.
My schedule that I create needs to be simple on the outside, with four main sections of the day. I can create a schedule at first, but eventually I need to memorize it. Planners will be for appointments, and it'll go with my wallet or whatever, but I have to learn how to keep a schedule in my head instead. In the end, my producitivity will be much more powerful if I memorize my schedule instead. I have never been able to hold a schedule for a day straight by writing it in a planner, so I dunno what I was thinking!! Haha.
When I say "memorize" I just mean that I need to know what MAIN sort of... subjects... I'll be doing that day. For instance, "I'm working, studying, and going to two classes" or "I'm cleaning the downstairs and practicing piano" or "I'm taking my brother to the fair". From there, I can break the larger tasks down into smaller pieces, with my own brain.
If I act like I don't trust my decision making skills in the moment, I'll never be able to do anything with a planner. And my planner idea wasn't working anyway.
So, I was just using my failure and confusion about my schedule-writing attempts as an excuse to try again and again what wasn't working in the first place. "I'll try again, I'll try again!" Meh.... Scrap that!
Different types of days: work day, sabbath, cleaning day, personal day, family day (combine-able)
Different sections ("time for" sections ... like sleep, study, etc) are: sleep, devotional, study, workout, relax, entertainment, cleaning.
Do I need to add to these??? hrrmmm, I think so.
no section for eating. if I create a section, I'll allow it too much time. you can eat while you do other stuff, so it doesn't legally deserve a section.
coo. more later.
Oh hey. I'm looking for more jobs tomorrow. Yay me. No really. Okay I'm kinda depressed about it. But I'm actually going to do it... or start on it... or something. Really.
And I do have a job already. It's just not very good. :) for the $$ I mean.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Discovery
Yes. I was trying to change myself too much.
Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.
I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.
It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.
I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.
So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?
Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.
I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.
It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.
I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.
So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Being heathier!
I was thinking just now: I am not very healthy! I don't try hard to eat well or exercise regularly or anything. I mean, I try, but lazily. So not much trying going on at all, really.
Here's a list of the things I'll do my best to do everyday from now on! I think it might help my immune system a bit.
drink water throughout day
exercise in the morning
shower daily
eat bright colored veggies and fruits
trust God-- don't worry!
eat more whole grains instead of those white bread cereals
try avoiding milk for a while, and eat other types of protein instead
AVOID SWEETS to the maximum!!
brush my teeth carefully, at least two times a day
floss daily!!
take care of my skin!
clean house, dust things and clean things with a mask on, vacuume, and sanitize. Also, change trash cans, bedsheets, and bath and hand towels.
don't touch my skin, and keep my nails short to remind myself not to pick on my skin (+ 4 piano)
eat lots of omega3 fats, whatever those are! and healthy fats, like avocado and olives.
this is making me hungry. I'm pasting this list into Crash Project.
Here's a list of the things I'll do my best to do everyday from now on! I think it might help my immune system a bit.
drink water throughout day
exercise in the morning
shower daily
eat bright colored veggies and fruits
trust God-- don't worry!
eat more whole grains instead of those white bread cereals
try avoiding milk for a while, and eat other types of protein instead
AVOID SWEETS to the maximum!!
brush my teeth carefully, at least two times a day
floss daily!!
take care of my skin!
clean house, dust things and clean things with a mask on, vacuume, and sanitize. Also, change trash cans, bedsheets, and bath and hand towels.
don't touch my skin, and keep my nails short to remind myself not to pick on my skin (+ 4 piano)
eat lots of omega3 fats, whatever those are! and healthy fats, like avocado and olives.
this is making me hungry. I'm pasting this list into Crash Project.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I feel HAPPY!
I'm happy because I have HOPE right now. I doubt a lot, right? Like, too much.
First, I'm going to tell you about my career stuff. I figured out something monumental earlier today. I have been thinking about majors and career choices... MORE... and I guess I figured out why I was so upset about it all the time. Nursing is definitely a very good option... for some people :)... but I've changed my mind again. It won't hurt me to do a little more research to search for what I really want. There is a career out there, I have to believe, that is something more along the lines of what would be good for me. Nursing is only good because I have experience and it's a secure job. It's terrible for traveling, and using languages I've learned will only be useful minimally. Spanish is helpful in nursing,, but I don't just want one language, I want to learn several languages and actually go places. And I want to learn Japanese. So that is why choosing nursing has been bothering me so much.
And yet, I was so scared to consider something else, that my vision was starting to narrow. How silly! I have to take the step out there and actually look into what careers are like. For some reason, that's been difficult for me, and it's (obviously!!) going to be difficult to choose a career when you don't know what it will be like. But that's exactly what I have been doing, because I'm scared to "consider" new ideas. Weird, huh?
So even though I'm leaning towards computer science, or information, or programming, or something related, I am not going to just say "that's it" and go with it, then freak out again with repetitive, circular, illogical doubts. Instead, I'm going to actually take time to research this stuff (including myself and what I'd be good at). I'm going to read about paralegals. I'm going to read about voice actors. And lawyers! And pianists. And music composers, and writers! And more.
I don't really know what these things are like, or the career paths. So I'm going to learn about everything that catches my interest, in depth, and I'll follow those paths until I know for sure that it's something I don't like.
Once I finally decide after doing some real thinking and searching, I will choose a degree at a good school (that I can pay money for until my parents will help again) and then I will do my BEST and have FUN and focus. I will be careful with the jobs I obtain, and I will learn languages and find a way to use them.
Since I really would like to do something musical someday, I would like that to be somewhat of a goal, alongside other goals... (it's hard to make money playing piano right at the beginning of your education) but even more, I don't want to choose NURSING just because it's secure. It's not the right job for me in some aspects (traveling especially) so I MUST make sure to consider other jobs, instead of avoiding the actual research into them.
So, all this was because I was scared. Nursing is so wrong for me. I almost made a really irresponsible decision because I wanted to give up and just get it over with. That's stupid. I could be happy. I don't think I'll be happy with nursing.
Research time!
And now about Kiichigo and his tank environment! Kiichigo is doing well. He seems a little depressed, but I haven't found him stuck to the filter or anything yet... :-/ haha. not. So yeah! He's soooo pretty, too. Delicate and floaty, with a cute little head and a tiny body, and deep red against the blue and green plants in his 2-gallon tank.
And guess what?! I did something creative with the decorations, besides the plants-- I used marbles in the bottom! I guess what else...?
STRING BEADS!
Haha, string beans.
No, really, just beads. There are regular beads, but also sparkly star-flower ones, and-- can you believe it?-- giraffe beads! There might be some buttons, too, I think.
I really love it. Well, good night! Oh. Morning!
PS. I want to make myself a list of things that I always go back to look at when I feel doubtful of myself. Doubtful... as in, like, "Can I really do this?", "I am not sure I am capable of getting A's while pursuing a degree like that...", and "I'm destined to be like this forever...."
Those things sound so obviously silly when I write them down, because no matter what I'm thinking, they aren't very logical thoughts, because on a day I'm not upset, I know they're not true. But as soon as I start to worry, they seem so REAL! I am going to make a note or list, to myself, of what I want my future to be like, and how I AM capable. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I don't want to be afraid of things I can't change, and I want to be aware of what I CAN change.
Okay, here it is. I just wrote this, and I'm proud of it. I'm putting it on "Quotidian".
1. You are capable, beautiful, and tall. You will have a job that pays money, and you will have a place to live. You are not a failure. You are capable of success. Thinking that you aren't is just NOT true. It's actually unfair to the man you're going to marry-- he will appreciate you, and would be upset to think you felt bad about yourself when it's not even a reality.
2. When you feel like the above isn't true, just stop and calm down. Go work out, take a shower, or work on Japanese, pet Jellybean and Cat, run, dance, pray or do something else (besides a story-entertainment thing :)) that takes concentration-- it will help you feel better.
First, I'm going to tell you about my career stuff. I figured out something monumental earlier today. I have been thinking about majors and career choices... MORE... and I guess I figured out why I was so upset about it all the time. Nursing is definitely a very good option... for some people :)... but I've changed my mind again. It won't hurt me to do a little more research to search for what I really want. There is a career out there, I have to believe, that is something more along the lines of what would be good for me. Nursing is only good because I have experience and it's a secure job. It's terrible for traveling, and using languages I've learned will only be useful minimally. Spanish is helpful in nursing,, but I don't just want one language, I want to learn several languages and actually go places. And I want to learn Japanese. So that is why choosing nursing has been bothering me so much.
And yet, I was so scared to consider something else, that my vision was starting to narrow. How silly! I have to take the step out there and actually look into what careers are like. For some reason, that's been difficult for me, and it's (obviously!!) going to be difficult to choose a career when you don't know what it will be like. But that's exactly what I have been doing, because I'm scared to "consider" new ideas. Weird, huh?
So even though I'm leaning towards computer science, or information, or programming, or something related, I am not going to just say "that's it" and go with it, then freak out again with repetitive, circular, illogical doubts. Instead, I'm going to actually take time to research this stuff (including myself and what I'd be good at). I'm going to read about paralegals. I'm going to read about voice actors. And lawyers! And pianists. And music composers, and writers! And more.
I don't really know what these things are like, or the career paths. So I'm going to learn about everything that catches my interest, in depth, and I'll follow those paths until I know for sure that it's something I don't like.
Once I finally decide after doing some real thinking and searching, I will choose a degree at a good school (that I can pay money for until my parents will help again) and then I will do my BEST and have FUN and focus. I will be careful with the jobs I obtain, and I will learn languages and find a way to use them.
Since I really would like to do something musical someday, I would like that to be somewhat of a goal, alongside other goals... (it's hard to make money playing piano right at the beginning of your education) but even more, I don't want to choose NURSING just because it's secure. It's not the right job for me in some aspects (traveling especially) so I MUST make sure to consider other jobs, instead of avoiding the actual research into them.
So, all this was because I was scared. Nursing is so wrong for me. I almost made a really irresponsible decision because I wanted to give up and just get it over with. That's stupid. I could be happy. I don't think I'll be happy with nursing.
Research time!
And now about Kiichigo and his tank environment! Kiichigo is doing well. He seems a little depressed, but I haven't found him stuck to the filter or anything yet... :-/ haha. not. So yeah! He's soooo pretty, too. Delicate and floaty, with a cute little head and a tiny body, and deep red against the blue and green plants in his 2-gallon tank.
And guess what?! I did something creative with the decorations, besides the plants-- I used marbles in the bottom! I guess what else...?
STRING BEADS!
Haha, string beans.
No, really, just beads. There are regular beads, but also sparkly star-flower ones, and-- can you believe it?-- giraffe beads! There might be some buttons, too, I think.
I really love it. Well, good night! Oh. Morning!
PS. I want to make myself a list of things that I always go back to look at when I feel doubtful of myself. Doubtful... as in, like, "Can I really do this?", "I am not sure I am capable of getting A's while pursuing a degree like that...", and "I'm destined to be like this forever...."
Those things sound so obviously silly when I write them down, because no matter what I'm thinking, they aren't very logical thoughts, because on a day I'm not upset, I know they're not true. But as soon as I start to worry, they seem so REAL! I am going to make a note or list, to myself, of what I want my future to be like, and how I AM capable. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I don't want to be afraid of things I can't change, and I want to be aware of what I CAN change.
Okay, here it is. I just wrote this, and I'm proud of it. I'm putting it on "Quotidian".
1. You are capable, beautiful, and tall. You will have a job that pays money, and you will have a place to live. You are not a failure. You are capable of success. Thinking that you aren't is just NOT true. It's actually unfair to the man you're going to marry-- he will appreciate you, and would be upset to think you felt bad about yourself when it's not even a reality.
2. When you feel like the above isn't true, just stop and calm down. Go work out, take a shower, or work on Japanese, pet Jellybean and Cat, run, dance, pray or do something else (besides a story-entertainment thing :)) that takes concentration-- it will help you feel better.
Friday, October 1, 2010
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