Emotions are strong. I have very strong emotions. My teacher at ASU said I had bad self control. To be ruled by emotions like that-- to CRY- ? - when your emotions boil hot or whirl in a snowstorm-- is a loss of self-control.
NO WAY!! I think differently! Emotions are beautiful! What is it that makes people think we need to hide emotions? What is it, Mr. Music Sensei, that is wrong with sparkling tears, welling up from your insides, reddening your face, making sad noises slip out of your mouth, pushed out by overwhelming feelings? What is wrong with red-hot anger? Is there something unexpected about the feeling of total confusion? Those are powerful emotions, and they are real. There's no reason to hide what you feel-- what exists inside your heart! Even if you don't want to share your feelings with those around you, USE THEM! Use those feelings burning inside you, don't hide them from yourself too. Those feelings could take you somewhere-- to a career, to true love, to new ideas, inventions, lights, shining tower-spires, beyond the clouds, blue space, and beyond to what humans do not comprehend!
And. To feel that welling up in your chest when you are sad or angry-- that is GOOD! It's LIVING. You SHOULD be astounded, bewildered, and staggered. If you know how to send those emotions in the right direction-- up and flying, instead of weighing you down, pulling-- then you can DO something with them!
I want to use my emotions, their strength, the colors I love in nature, music that sends me flying, the stories I love and the characters that remind me of real people, my anger about things I can't change, EVERYTHING!-- to go where I am meant to go!
Aaagh! Dramatic!! :) Good.
Hmm-- I don't need to change myself as much as I thought. I've found my strengths-- I can use those. I am good at randomly jumping into tasks? Okay then! I'll RANDOMLY JUMP. I'll hurry when I feel like it. I'll run when I want to RUN! I won't keep WORRYING when others think I'm wrong-- I'll do what I think I should. I'm going to let my emotions pull me! (With some common sense mixed in:) It doesn't have to be so hard, so thought out, or pre-analyzed. I can be... who I want to be. I can be pristine and on-time receptionist, or an artist who paints flowers on hillsides, or a video game addict. No. More. Worrying. It. will. be. okay.
I suppose not everybody feels this way. I am being a bit of a drama queen, I know. And if you don't feel this way, that's okay too. But ALL humans DO have emotions. They are there for feeling, not for ignoring. Where I grew up in America, or at least, from the people I know... it seems like we think emotions are more of a handicap and a distraction than anything else. Not cool.... :0
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Another New Layout!
ABOUT ME (at this time): Hey, I'm Cara. This is my thought-diary. I'm working on making the posts more coherent, and idea-centered, instead of being randomly thrown around and wispy like real thoughts usually are. I'm a curious girl. I want to understand things, but I don't. In my blog, I work through the stuff I don't get by writing down my thoughts. Right now: I'm working out getting a job, *sigh*, figuring out if my entire life is a failure, um... and plucking my true dreams from the dream-pool. I've come to realize recently... dreams are the kinds of things that most people think are crazy and impossible. If you want to be somebody unique, don't be afraid to go with what you REALLY want to do~!~ or... do you know? :)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Letter to Marguerite in Greece!
Marguerite Marguerite Margueriiiiiiiite!!!! ha ha, I'm hyper. And I miss you! This is getting boring!!!
I'm going to have to get a job. I would really like to work as a waitress and an office assistant/receptionist, but if those two don't work, I just have to work at a nursing home again. I'm just SCAAARED... and getting references...??!!.... it's something I'm going to have to work on tomorrow. I will let you know what happens! By August, I should have a job or two. :) aaaaaahhh....
It's great how you have "no problem studying". I am getting to that point too... you know, it's weird? I think I didn't do well in school simply because... I didn't see the classes going in a direction I was passionate about. Basically... I didn't care about what I was doing. It's too bad I didn't figure it out sooner!
But being sure about your life-- and being sure about what you love-- it takes guts. You have to be really brave to be able to say, "I like this" and "this is something I wouldn't mind doing for the rest of my life". I mean, I feel so old already, and I am basically starting at the beginning of my college education again. I feel like the decisions I make need to be made very carefully, because I don't have a lot of time left.
That sounds dumb, I know, because I'm only twenty-one. But I really do need to make a lot of progress! I'm so behind. These are my priorities: :)
1) Working (after I find a job) in order to pay for my music degree, which I will finish later on.
2) Studies, every day!!!!
a. Bible (if I go teach in Japan, I have to know answers to questions about my religion)
b. Piano practice (and theory)
c. Japanese
d. read any books that help my reading comprehension! (it sucks.)
I can only spend money on Japanese materials and school. The money I make will be going to an account in Atlantis, so it's going to be far away-- and that's good! :)
Iiii'm exciiiteddd. heh heh.
You said you read the Time Traveler's Wife? I watched the movie. It made me cry. But I bet the book is better. I would have... directed the movie differently... hee hee. Well... I might have picked different people for the acting roles, too.... But it is a very, very good story!
You're right that being indecisive is part of my personality. I don't have to feel so terrible about it. I mean, I shouldn't. Being indecisive, or whatever it is that I am doing, is scary because I am always feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing, and that I'm not "passionate" enough about my career path. But being "passionate" isn't necessarily the right word for what people need in life. You aren't always going to feel passionate about your career! That's not what emotions are made of! Emotions are swirly with dark shadows and warm sunlight. You can't expect your "passion" to remain a constant, positive light, so that when you go in for an interview for the job you want, everything is clear and diamond solid. It would be nice for everything to make sense like that, and it definitely happens, but it's foolish to expect perfection and be angry about mistakes we make. Mistakes need to push you in a positive direction, not drag you down. Don't expect passion be tied around your waist, as thick as a tug-of-war rope, pulling you. Let passion take you slowly, like a stream's current pulling a leaf towards a river. That stream won't always be running along a creek-- it's going to end up at a waterfall!
I guess I'm saying... things like studying, I have to think of this way-- a thing where you practice a little every day (EVERY day)-- and you let yourself enjoy it! If you take it more slowly, the threads that tie you to that passion will become much stronger than if you tried to attach yourself to that passion, all at once. And of course, when it's fun, you succeed much better, without worries. That's how I'm trying to think of things that I want to succeed in.
Caleb sounds like a very nice friend. You don't have to tell him he's my future husband, but you can hint at it, if you like. He's going to have to accept it, sooner or later!
And I would LOVE to see you this summer! Summer is the best, most beautiful time.... *sigh* Maybe I can come visit you during the school year, too! Since I'm not in school, it won't as perilous to get away.
I wish I could come visit you in Greece. What beautiful memories you're making! I like old towns. They have maturity, you know? And Greece-- it's seen centuries! When we see each other this summer, I will tell you about Yosemite. We went there in June... we saw waterfalls and huge sequoias.... We have pictures!
Do your best in Greek! I'm happy you're pleased with your success so far. In Japanese... ummmm... Let me look it up.
Ganbatte, ne? Do your best, okay? (Without the ne, you just have "do your best"). It's also good in place of where we would say, "Good luck" or "You're going to do great".
It looks like this. 頑張って ね. Probably. And you say it like... "gahn-bah-TAE, nay?" well, it's across between saying "neh" and "nay". Which also stands for "hey". Ney. Hey. ha ha ha-- sorry....
I don't really know all those Japanese symbols yet. (Your computer might not have the capability to read those symbols anyway.) I haven't actually learned the Japanese alphabet yet, so I'm not really that far along. However, I do watch a lot of anime, so I'm doing well at recognizing certain words, how to pronounce their accent, and the pitches of the words. It's so much fun!!!!
So like I was trying to say until I got off track, 頑張って! I love you Marguerite!
XOXO.
♣Cara♣
I'm going to have to get a job. I would really like to work as a waitress and an office assistant/receptionist, but if those two don't work, I just have to work at a nursing home again. I'm just SCAAARED... and getting references...??!!.... it's something I'm going to have to work on tomorrow. I will let you know what happens! By August, I should have a job or two. :) aaaaaahhh....
It's great how you have "no problem studying". I am getting to that point too... you know, it's weird? I think I didn't do well in school simply because... I didn't see the classes going in a direction I was passionate about. Basically... I didn't care about what I was doing. It's too bad I didn't figure it out sooner!
But being sure about your life-- and being sure about what you love-- it takes guts. You have to be really brave to be able to say, "I like this" and "this is something I wouldn't mind doing for the rest of my life". I mean, I feel so old already, and I am basically starting at the beginning of my college education again. I feel like the decisions I make need to be made very carefully, because I don't have a lot of time left.
That sounds dumb, I know, because I'm only twenty-one. But I really do need to make a lot of progress! I'm so behind. These are my priorities: :)
1) Working (after I find a job) in order to pay for my music degree, which I will finish later on.
2) Studies, every day!!!!
a. Bible (if I go teach in Japan, I have to know answers to questions about my religion)
b. Piano practice (and theory)
c. Japanese
d. read any books that help my reading comprehension! (it sucks.)
I can only spend money on Japanese materials and school. The money I make will be going to an account in Atlantis, so it's going to be far away-- and that's good! :)
Iiii'm exciiiteddd. heh heh.
You said you read the Time Traveler's Wife? I watched the movie. It made me cry. But I bet the book is better. I would have... directed the movie differently... hee hee. Well... I might have picked different people for the acting roles, too.... But it is a very, very good story!
You're right that being indecisive is part of my personality. I don't have to feel so terrible about it. I mean, I shouldn't. Being indecisive, or whatever it is that I am doing, is scary because I am always feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing, and that I'm not "passionate" enough about my career path. But being "passionate" isn't necessarily the right word for what people need in life. You aren't always going to feel passionate about your career! That's not what emotions are made of! Emotions are swirly with dark shadows and warm sunlight. You can't expect your "passion" to remain a constant, positive light, so that when you go in for an interview for the job you want, everything is clear and diamond solid. It would be nice for everything to make sense like that, and it definitely happens, but it's foolish to expect perfection and be angry about mistakes we make. Mistakes need to push you in a positive direction, not drag you down. Don't expect passion be tied around your waist, as thick as a tug-of-war rope, pulling you. Let passion take you slowly, like a stream's current pulling a leaf towards a river. That stream won't always be running along a creek-- it's going to end up at a waterfall!
I guess I'm saying... things like studying, I have to think of this way-- a thing where you practice a little every day (EVERY day)-- and you let yourself enjoy it! If you take it more slowly, the threads that tie you to that passion will become much stronger than if you tried to attach yourself to that passion, all at once. And of course, when it's fun, you succeed much better, without worries. That's how I'm trying to think of things that I want to succeed in.
Caleb sounds like a very nice friend. You don't have to tell him he's my future husband, but you can hint at it, if you like. He's going to have to accept it, sooner or later!
And I would LOVE to see you this summer! Summer is the best, most beautiful time.... *sigh* Maybe I can come visit you during the school year, too! Since I'm not in school, it won't as perilous to get away.
I wish I could come visit you in Greece. What beautiful memories you're making! I like old towns. They have maturity, you know? And Greece-- it's seen centuries! When we see each other this summer, I will tell you about Yosemite. We went there in June... we saw waterfalls and huge sequoias.... We have pictures!
Do your best in Greek! I'm happy you're pleased with your success so far. In Japanese... ummmm... Let me look it up.
Ganbatte, ne? Do your best, okay? (Without the ne, you just have "do your best"). It's also good in place of where we would say, "Good luck" or "You're going to do great".
It looks like this. 頑張って ね. Probably. And you say it like... "gahn-bah-TAE, nay?" well, it's across between saying "neh" and "nay". Which also stands for "hey". Ney. Hey. ha ha ha-- sorry....
I don't really know all those Japanese symbols yet. (Your computer might not have the capability to read those symbols anyway.) I haven't actually learned the Japanese alphabet yet, so I'm not really that far along. However, I do watch a lot of anime, so I'm doing well at recognizing certain words, how to pronounce their accent, and the pitches of the words. It's so much fun!!!!
So like I was trying to say until I got off track, 頑張って! I love you Marguerite!
XOXO.
♣Cara♣
Monday, July 26, 2010
Short Me-summary! [Conceited Me-talk!]
... As if I hadn't been doing that the whole time.... :)
Okie dokie everybody! I have an actual comment on my blog (!), and so I'm going to type a teeny summary about me, since I never put it in my "about me" section... but maybe I should!? naw, too long.
--> I've just left college unfinished. I barely believe in myself anymore. I just completely gave up and failed with the worst grades possible. Actually... I got addicted to TV and let myself be taken away with it instead of facing the problems I was causing myself. I have very bad self control. So NOW, I'm re-wiring my time management, self-control, and self-confidence.
In the past, I've worked in care-homes for elderly, and as a sales representative. I was fine at both jobs. I'd like a job as a receptionist now, but it looks like jobs aren't too available... I have yet to look. :) (I procrastinate. I am a BIG scaredy-cat.)
My important things: get a job, practice piano, learn Japanese, study the Bible. I really want to make these my priorities, all kind of important in their own way, things I don't forget for a single day.
Also, I live in a family of four, with married parents and a teenage brother. I'm a 7th-day adventist, my whole life, and I've made it one of my goals to learn about God so I understand WHY I believe what my church believes, instead of just "going along" with those principles.
About my religion.... Seventh-day adventists might be considered similar to Baptists. We're very biblically-based, and our trademark is "Ellen White", no jewelry, haystacks, no dancing... I'm just naming archaic stereotypes, of course. (It's a joke, a JOKE!!!) Ask me, if you want to know! I think our denomination has some really great ideas, good people, and I've gone to our schools my whole life, and I really like it. But really, the difference in religion, to me, is the way people interpret God. Some ideas that differ from 7th-day adventism are deadly incorrect, while some SDA principles SHOULD be looked at in a different way. I DO think our beliefs are correct, but I know that bringing up arguments isn't the best way to get people's attention at first glance. However, it's GOOD to QUESTION things! Tradition should be examined. But mostly, I just really believe in loving others, like Jesus says to do. :)
I am a confused, indecisive person... and conceited. I never know whether I am myself because I really am, or I just think that. I am stubborn, emotional, and I have a temper when it comes to family. I wish I was a calmer person, but I'm not. :) I can pretend well, though.... I lie to myself a lot-- that's how I got bad grades, because I hid from what I was doing. I do it now, even today. I want to travel the world. I want to communicate with people. I'm curious. I love understanding things, especially emotion.
Oh, and I am easily addicted to TV and activities like writing, or organizing, and I'm lazy.... I wish I had lots of money and influence, but at the same time, I want to be a good person who doesn't, you know, deserve death for her complete SELFISHNESS (partly 'cause I do care about others, so it's confusing.) I don't know what else to write....
Uhhh. Maybe too much information? Anyway. I don't know what else to write about me. Mr. Johnny, let me know if that is something to start with? Thanks!
Okie dokie everybody! I have an actual comment on my blog (!), and so I'm going to type a teeny summary about me, since I never put it in my "about me" section... but maybe I should!? naw, too long.
--> I've just left college unfinished. I barely believe in myself anymore. I just completely gave up and failed with the worst grades possible. Actually... I got addicted to TV and let myself be taken away with it instead of facing the problems I was causing myself. I have very bad self control. So NOW, I'm re-wiring my time management, self-control, and self-confidence.
In the past, I've worked in care-homes for elderly, and as a sales representative. I was fine at both jobs. I'd like a job as a receptionist now, but it looks like jobs aren't too available... I have yet to look. :) (I procrastinate. I am a BIG scaredy-cat.)
My important things: get a job, practice piano, learn Japanese, study the Bible. I really want to make these my priorities, all kind of important in their own way, things I don't forget for a single day.
Also, I live in a family of four, with married parents and a teenage brother. I'm a 7th-day adventist, my whole life, and I've made it one of my goals to learn about God so I understand WHY I believe what my church believes, instead of just "going along" with those principles.
About my religion.... Seventh-day adventists might be considered similar to Baptists. We're very biblically-based, and our trademark is "Ellen White", no jewelry, haystacks, no dancing... I'm just naming archaic stereotypes, of course. (It's a joke, a JOKE!!!) Ask me, if you want to know! I think our denomination has some really great ideas, good people, and I've gone to our schools my whole life, and I really like it. But really, the difference in religion, to me, is the way people interpret God. Some ideas that differ from 7th-day adventism are deadly incorrect, while some SDA principles SHOULD be looked at in a different way. I DO think our beliefs are correct, but I know that bringing up arguments isn't the best way to get people's attention at first glance. However, it's GOOD to QUESTION things! Tradition should be examined. But mostly, I just really believe in loving others, like Jesus says to do. :)
I am a confused, indecisive person... and conceited. I never know whether I am myself because I really am, or I just think that. I am stubborn, emotional, and I have a temper when it comes to family. I wish I was a calmer person, but I'm not. :) I can pretend well, though.... I lie to myself a lot-- that's how I got bad grades, because I hid from what I was doing. I do it now, even today. I want to travel the world. I want to communicate with people. I'm curious. I love understanding things, especially emotion.
Oh, and I am easily addicted to TV and activities like writing, or organizing, and I'm lazy.... I wish I had lots of money and influence, but at the same time, I want to be a good person who doesn't, you know, deserve death for her complete SELFISHNESS (partly 'cause I do care about others, so it's confusing.) I don't know what else to write....
Uhhh. Maybe too much information? Anyway. I don't know what else to write about me. Mr. Johnny, let me know if that is something to start with? Thanks!
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