I will not give in to doubt, again and again! I say it that way because I know I will tomorrow, or the day after that.... But I have to work on getting stronger, and not let myself be upset when I make mistakes.
And when I do give in to doubts, and feel afraid, I'll remind myself that that's not something to feel bad about, either.
I'll keep fighting.
this is hard. *pout* :)
I was thinking the other day. Obviously:) and... you know how psychologists talk about the difference between a person having an internal or external motivation? I can't find the right word on the Internet.... it's not just how you're motivated, but how you see yourself, and what you believe you can do of your own power. There is a difference between people who believe they are in control of their life to a point, and other people who believe that basically
everything that happens to them is beyond their control.
When a person feels that it is not their own actions that determine their situation--their "fate"-- but that it is controlled by outside forces, they feel as though things just "HAPPEN" to them, and they are stuck in a situation, helpless to change it.
On the other hand, a person who believes the opposite way would take control of her situation to the best of her ability. She doesn't give up when something looks challenging-- she stands up to fight, regardless, and does her best until she truly can't anymore. Yes, there ARE such things as "coincidences" and unfortunate things do "happen" that are out of a person's control. It's when you learn to distinguish the difference between things that you can and can't change that you can get on the path to being happy about the choices you've made.
I think I've been confused about these distinguishments for a while, especially involving schoolwork, but I expect there are other things as well. I should explain about the school stuff, because it will help me to work it out. It made a lot of sense to me while I was getting ready for bed.... :)
My grades in school, to me, are a sign of my diligence, not intelligence. If you know how to study, you can get an A. I know that's not true for some people, but for me, I've always been able to get good grades as long as I am THOROUGH in studying. If I pay attention to class announcements, study the information we are to learn on my own, and hand in homework, I can't mess up.
But the problem with this theory is that I was depending on my own skill to get me through a class-- but ONLY my own skill. When teachers assigned homework, I made my own studying a priority before I studied the assigned material.
In theory, doing your own studying to become familiar with material is a great way to learn effectively. But it doesn't get you a good grade, because it means you're learning the information you want to, and not necessarily the information that the teacher wants you to learn. The resulting problem, then, becomes not that you didn't learn, but more importantly, that you didn't get a good grades and it LOOKS like you didn't learn or that you couldn't handle the material. Basically, it looks like something is wrong-- intelligence, motivation, whatever it is it doesn't matter-- what does matter is that you can't succeed and therefore you can't move on to tasks with even more responsibility.
Even in high school, a time that I remember as a time when I produced almost all straight-A's, I realize I had this same problem. But, it was covered up by my extreme motivation to be a good student for my parents, my high standards of perfection that I had not yet marred, and to compete with my fellow students who also got good marks. Even though I tried to pull away from teacher's expectations and, instead, study on my own-- but I never fully ignored those expectations because I used these motivations--parents, peers, perfection-- to make my grades a priority.
Upon entering college, those motivations suddenly vanished with my revelations about my own independence and new free-will. And after I had messed up once, I lost all my confidence. I didn't give up immediately, which actually kind of made it worse, but I didn't know how to make it better, either.
By studying independently, I was trying to keep my situation under control. I thought of myself as a person who controlled my environment from within myself-- that I didn't just let things "HAPPEN" to me. I considered myself strong, not helpless, and that I could change my success and my future with my own hands. But once I got to college, I withdrew my efforts from succeeding in class and tried to succeed by studying without the help of my teachers. I tried to do everything myself, and instead of using my internal motivation to change things, I was allowing the situation to CONTROL ME-- JUST WHAT I THOUGHT I HAD AVOIDED.
What I hadn't realized was that there are certain things within my control, but also some things I had to work with. I was letting the situation control me because I was pretending it wasn't there. But my grades weren't dependent solely on me-- they depended on my situation, which was classroom attendance and the other demands of a teacher to get a good grade!
I think the reason I've done all this might be because of that different way of thinking that I really should have adopted a long time ago. I'm not in school solely to learn the material to the best of my ability, I certainly DON'T have all the time in the world to learn the information, and getting a good grade by pleasing my teachers with my work is a HIGHER priority than learning the information. So, since that grade is a higher priority, it needs to be the matter I take care of first. If I can learn at the same time-- then great-- but that part doesn't matter half as much as getting a grade. You have to turn in the required assignments, and do well on the tests, but not necessarily learn the information that you want to learn. (That usually is what happens when the teacher is bad, especially.) It's sad, but completely true.
In a way, this skill is actually very useful in life-- you can't just do well inside your own world-- you have to SHOW that you can do well by getting good marks, doing well in tests, being accepted socially, and following traditions and rules. It's an annoying principle, but it really makes perfect sense, and it isn't even a bad thing. People who get annoyed at this principle are foolish, because it will always be impossible to change. It's like expecting someone to trust you without having any basis. That's simply not fair to ask, no matter how valuable and worthy trust without basis is (that's faith), it is simply never an entitlement.
I think this might be what I was missing this whole time. I don't know why.
Why do I seem to think that people should know me to be capable, trust in me, and believe in me, when there is no basis for it?haha. That's kind of weird. But for some reason, I feel it very strongly. I am going to have to think about that one. Ummmm.... Right now, the answer seems to be that I'm just being ignorant, or immature, in supposing that people should have such flawless, foolish faith in me. I dunno... I think faith is good, but maybe we can only expect things like that from perfect people, like... God. God understands that mistakes are inevitable, and he can't just take our rights to make them away from us just because their results would be negative. Hmmm. Respect from God-- maybe... that's all I need. That makes me feel a lot better.
Maybe having that kind of faith in others shows a respect for them in a way that would honor God. If I respected other people in God's way, I would be giving them the natural freedom that they deserve to be who they want and make their own choices-- the kind of choices that God gave all humans at the beginning of time-- just like the choice to love or not to love him.
There's something here, something big. God has a respect, a faith, in me. Something unfathomable. Something indistinguishable... like the faith that a person can change fate, regardless of their weakness, their apparent inability. God is allowing me to make the choice of whether or not to choose him-- heaven or fire? Eternal life, or death? (There's a big question mark for you!) It's up to me... completely. But by allowing us to choose, on our own, don't you think God is sending a message-- like, "You are capable of choosing the right choice. I don't mind giving you this choice because I made you capable of handling it. But you can do whatever you want with this choice, that's why it's a choice." And then he stands back, so we can choose on our own. Powerful.
That's the kind of faith I wish others could have in me. But I guess, the only thing I can do is have that faith in others, or at least that respect for others (you can't trust EVERYBODY, that also is foolish). Even if other people don't have that faith for me-- I don't need to worry about myself so terribly much. It's time for me to get off my high horse and give up wining about how others see me. I DO NOT CARE. I mean, theoretically. No. I WILL NOT CARE!!!
(It's also the kind of faith that is the best for parents to have in their kids. I don't mean "honey, it's okay if you run out into the street, because if you get run over by a car then you'll learn from your mistakes". I mean it's knowing, as a parent, what kind of choices your kid is capable of, and then respecting their free-will by letting them make those choices themselves.)
I want to work harder to succeed in my attempts to explore the world, learn a trade, and build relationships--without these things, I'm not living. I have to work harder for these things, but I have to do it by working within the boundaries that are already set in place, and knowing that God has a faith in me, no matter what others have. I can't control my situation entirely. The "I am in control of my life" thing is where I got lost in this issue. The way I have to think of it differently, now, is that I am in control of SOME things in my life. And the things I CAN'T change, I must instead accept, abide by, and
obey. So, in some ways, those people who believe they are "helpless" are right. Well, half-right. Don't think of yourself as in control of your surroundings, but remember, some things only YOU can change... your ultimate fate... is really up to you. (Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni Kai!!! hahaha. Don't watch it.) Once again, the answer is...
balance, between the two worlds-- internal, external.Wow. Bleh. I'm done with all THAT! Sorry, it is just so loooong!!! It's good though, I feel like I really explained something that's been bothering me.
My friend Alex has told me to read the book,
Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. He said it helped him enormously with stuff he was doing wrong. It sounded to me like something that help me with what I've been explaining in this post, so I bought the audio-book on amazon. I'll get package soon, I'm excited!! I'll let you know what I learn from it. Apparently I'm going to have to practice what it says to do, and all that.
*I also bought two new brush-pens! I'm REALLY excited about those!!! They're for my Japanese kanji and kana practice! :)* Hee hee. Bye bye!
