My feet!

I went to a new doctor about my feet-- my new podiatrist-- last week. It was super fun, he was nice!  I got my right foot no. left foot, X rayed. And I have a... ah... um... pa no. Bipartite sesmoid. It's on the inner part the ball of my left foot. Basically, the round part, on the bottom of my foot, right in line with the big toe. A "sesmoid" is normal, but mine is divided into two parts instead of just being whole.

So, when I dance (the regular kind or DDR, the stomping especially)  the stomping and stepping makes the two little bones separate. The bones really are supposed to stay together, and are probably held together by a ligament or something. So it hurts when they get pulled apart. And I get pain so it hurts to walk and it doesn't get better for weeks. Plus I can't dance.

But it's okay, the doctor said I can get modified shoe inserts to leave space for my weird foot bone. That way the bone will not get pressed on when I step, and I'll be able to do whatever I want. I'm hoping to get some new, lighter shoes that feel more like socks than klunky tennies. Then I'll put the inserts in and I can still dance feeling barefoot, but with support and my feet won't get any other problems.

I'm going back again to the doctor, and here's stuff I've got to ask my podiatrist:
how many other people have the weird bone in their foot? like how common?
can we xray the other foot for the same problem?
what about the arthritis (maybe) in my right ankle?
why... again, does it hurt my foot when I step to much? is it the ligament?

k then.

Thoughts about Life Systems and Existence... Etc haha :)

Okay, I thought of something neato, so I'm going to write it down.

First, I thought, the world is made of systems. Little bitty ones, like "resturaunts make food, I eat it, I feel full, and that happens once every week" which is the system of me wasting money on dairy queen once a week.

A system at my workplace, where everyone has a job, and some people work under others, while those in charge have someone in charge of them, and that's a system.

A system in my itunes, where my playlists are organized but I still need to organize it better.

And other systems-- many of them overlap. I guess I mean that systems define life, the world.

So anyway, if you look at all those systems, you get life. Somebody's got to be in charge of all those things. Who would that be? Somebody HAS to be in charge of them! None of the little systems run on their own. How can we explain the system of life?

God is everywhere, everything. Or maybe I shouldn't say IS, I should say is the Creator of everything, everywhere. And God is love. The point of life is love, i.e. companionship, friendship, spending time with others, meeting others, seeing others as unique, and valuable.

I like this feeling because it makes me feel like God isn't very far away.

Now, if I get worried about being caught up in anime too much, and forgetting that God is important, I just need to remember that God created everything wonderful. I don't have to be worried that I'm not close to him-- but after recognizing it, I must continue to acknowledge him and keep learning about him. (Study, praying, thinking, listening, those kinds of things.)

These ideas have reassured me a bit today.

I'M NOT LISTENING!

I was talking to Allison today, and I got teary afterward. I felt like hiding, and crying (which I did) and I found out that the spot between my couch and my bed is a lot easier to fall into than to pull myself out of.

I wish Allison could listen to me ramble on about dumb things without judging me. I used to get sick of my friend Lucie (at least when I would talk to her in high school) who would complain about people at church (and school, one in the same where I attended) who were judgemental. Well, I guess sometimes it's worth complaining about.

When I was explaining my job searching discoveries and activities, it was hard to explain them because it felt like she was forming her own negative opinions about my ideas. I know, I KNOW I'm too sensitive to these things, but regardless, it's a little rude to form negative opinions about something just because you don't know about it. When I say "you don't know about it" I'm not spouting nonsense. I have a totally different personality from someone else I might meet on the street or of my friends and family. I react to things differently, I have different life skills, weaknesses and strengths. Of course, it's different to form an opinion if you've tried something, but even then, it's not necessarily your business, right?

I can see what you're thinking. But don't put out expectations for me. Do that, and I'm limited when I think through your eyes. My only choice now is to ignore you, and I know that's not what you wanted.

Then she asked me a question like this: "So, what's your ultimate goal." (It really was more like a statement than a question.) My heart felt like it was being dipped in morning lake water. I answered well as I could, explaining that I'd rather focus on just getting a job first, but I felt like crying right then, so I also added stupidly that I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else, and only myself.

I'm hoping these experiences will just hurry up and mature my sensitivity and under-confidence. I realize that's why I feel like this.

Judgemental people are really TRYING to help, or put their good advice out there. But in another way, it's just sickening. You can't know simply from listening to me what the rest of my life is going to be like. You don't understand my feelings or my reasons for living. You're way older than me, how do you know what I'm capable of in this new day? Youth is power. You should know that, being that you were young once. Wisdom and experience may also be powerful, but this is a time for me when I need to create my own wisdom through experiences.

I still don't think complaining about judgmental people is a very efficient use of time, since it is a form of holding a grudge, so you never have to stop, BUT. It is making me feel better now.

What works for OTHERS may not work for me. Not everything simple for somebody else is SIMPLE for me. But what someone else can't do, I might be able to. I WILL MAKE MY OWN PATH.

Ah- I'm forgetting something. I don't have to make my own path ALL by myself. You know all those Christian slogans (or whatever) about having a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus? Well, I want to know where they got that idea to make sure that's the best way to look at it-- but if it's true, and I think it is in most circumstances--

judgmental-ism means nothing! I don't have to worry about what somebody else thinks if I strongly disagree or it bothers me.

I just have to listen to the Creator of the world... I'm sure he has better ideas than anybody else.

I'm sure :)

About this one thing, at least!

I know my reaction is obviously an OVERreaction, and what I call being really emotional, but it is what felt, after all. I feel better now, but I can't help thinking how funny my head is. Or I should say heart since I'm talking about emotions here :) but really it's my personality makeup, ergo my head.

Well, that's about it. Haha-- right now, I'm playing my angry iTunes playlist, and The Used is screaming in my ears, "Not Listening!!! NOT LISTENING!!!! NOT LISTENING!!!!! " lol.

Talking with my Dad.

I'm going to write to God today. Usually I write to my readers, but I don't really know how many readers I have and who they are, so I'm pretty bad at being communicative in their direction. So instead, when you read this, you can observe a prayer-conversation-something or other to the person I think created the universe (and did it because he wanted people to love and talk to). 'Course God is listening all the time anyway, so I really write to you also.

Dear Jesus,

Well. I just came downstairs from talking with Daddy. I am super upset after that, mostly feeling bad about myself, and even though technically I don't need to feel pathetic or crushed, I still do.

My situation has changed since earlier, whenever that was, like this: I lost my job, which I really was okay with because I didn't like it, but I didn't have any ambition to get a new one right after. I was in school then, also. But you know? I didn't do very well! Even though I was studying theory, I didn't turn in all the assignments because I let myself get overwhelmed and didn't prepare, and so I got behind and then I was scared to try and fix it. Can you help me out next time? I will prepare myself to let you take away my fear. You can strengthen me, I don't have to do it all myself. I'm sorry for being so silly.

I'm actually in a different frame of mind now - I want a job.

A month ago, before September began, somebody would ask me about my job searching progress and I didn't want to talk about it because I couldn't even face it myself-- avoiding it inside my own mind. But slowly, as my dad's "Sept. 1" deadline passed, I became motivated to do it on my own, and I actually wanted a job. I thought about how much school would cost and how I actually had a desire to make money. I haven't felt this way in a year, and the feeling continues, not just a short-term thing. This feeling WILL continue until I get a new job. I am ready now. So I'm applying online right now, and after I go through the government jobs available and any other options online, I'm going to look in the shopping center near my house. So I do have concrete plans. (I have to convince myself of this :)

I think Daddy knows I'm in a different frame of mind now, that I'm trying harder, more seriously. But he's still impatient. His impatience weighs on me. He has a very powerful worry muscle. I don't need his worry, because in the end it works against me.

Anyway, so that's what's new.

I get surprised that Daddy can make me so upset by telling me, "Cara, you need to learn to support yourself, before you do anything else."(He means I shouldn't be focusing on studying Japanese before I can support myself.)

(And some other stuff piled on ends up making me not cry, not just this sentence.)

"Well Daddy, that's like me telling you that I don't want to take care of you when you're old, so you had better be saving up for retirement. I mean, you WANT to do that already, don't you? I don't need to tell you that!"

(I'm trying to communicate that I WANT to support myself just as much as he wants me to support myself, but I might not have explained it well.)

I think this writing helps me, if anything else, to give myself some backbone, like a little support, made of my own opinion, so I know what I think, and other people's questions and ideas don't push me over. I am easily swayed, so I need to know what I think before they give me tons of ideas.

I'd like it if my dad recognized that I have good ideas if he would just let me "water" them. But he doesn't trust me. He sent me to an expensive private (religious) college that I loved, but I took random classes without direction and without focused studying for three years, resulting in mostly bad grades because I simply wasn't decisive and motivated. I wasted under ninety thousand dollars on that. I mean, a lot of the classes are OK and good for my generals. But Daddy brings this fact up and worries about it when he's trying to explain that I need to support myself, get a job, etc etc.

He's RIGHT! and I KNOW that. But it's been more than a year, and he's still worrying about it. I want him to acknowledge me now. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him like he's my employer or teacher. He needs to believe in me because I have his genes and I'm intelligent and capable. But like I said, he lost trust in me. So really, I may be asking something very difficult or quite impossible of him.

My parents' opinions matter to me. I don't have tons of friends, and the opinions of the ones I have don't matter to me as much as my parents' opinion. That's because my parents are like home base, my cornerstones. I just need a little bit of confidence. Their opinions affect my confidence so much.

But my dad overlooks this point because he wants me to acknowledge "Yes, I need to get a job. Yes, I will take your advice and choose a job/education in the healthcare field because it is reliable and it has a good market. Yes, I am hurrying to get a job as fast as I can."

I disagree with a lot of that statement. And besides, his ideas don't matter as much as mine; this is my life. Of course I should listen to his advice. But not if it eclipses an alternate future that I should also consider. I want him to listen and believe in me for a second. I feel like there's never a moment when he says, that's a good idea. I'm excited to see what you will do, Cara. And then trust me with my own future. Am I stupid? Am I retarted, and hopeless and directionless and passionless, so that you can't believe in me, even have a little bit of blind faith? That's what believing in someone is!!!! You don't have to have evidence of their capability.

I ask him to do that, and he says, "You don't need ME to believe in you--"

I don't remember what came after that. I suppose what I've done is destroy my Dad's faith-in-Cara ability. That isn't so good. I told him to believe in me while I was in college, and I continued to fail, and now he doesn't trust me... it makes sense.... but thinking about it this way only makes me depressed.

Anyway, I'm not sure and I'm confused. And massively irritated. There's nothing wrong with my ideas if I actually try them. It's terribly difficult to focus on anything after talking with him about these things. He worries so much, he worries for me, and then I feel less stress about the job-looking crap etc. and more about how pathetic I am.

Do you know how RIDICULOUS that is? Thinking I'm pathetic isn't going to help me get a job!!!

I'm serious. This is about my feelings. I get downstairs and try really hard not to cry and I can't do it! I cry anyway. I'm not able to control this. It's not something I'm doing on purpose. What I'm saying is, I feel awful and it's really hard to change it afterward! But blogging helps a LOT.

ANYWAY, HE'S REALLY JUST NOT HELPING!!!

I suppose that was all I was really trying to say.

So anyway, feeling pathetic. I've been so motivated lately. But now it's the opposite. So I won't that get me down. After a conversation like that with Daddy, eventually enough conversations and I'll become stronger.

I have to keep doing what I've been doing. In fact, the conversation probably helped me more than anything.

Blogging and reading what I've written helped me realize that this is a common situation many people find themselves in-- having ideas that their parents don't agree with; needing acceptance and not getting it.

I can succeed doing this my way IF I have confidence in myself. I may or may not obtain my Daddy's belief in me. Maybe I'll never have it again! I get the feeling he's going to always worry about me when I don't do things his way. But that won't make my life better. Even Daddy wants me to be happy over a decision he makes for me. It's only that he thinks his decisions will be better.

So basically, I need to be confident in myself, and pay attention to his (very good) advice at the same time. LOL I've come up with this one before! Passive stance.

Actually, I have a hard time keeping a level head around Mom and Teddy lately. I need to pull out of the fire before my voice gets loud, you know? No reason to get upset. My family is easy to figure out: they're stubborn. That means I can't convince them of anything; i.e. don't argue with them. Let them be.

God, please give me strength to stand up after crying, maybe even cry less and stand up more. Don't let me forget about you just because I succeed later on. Remind me that you're a part of me. Or all of me, and I am a part of you.

And thanks for letting me vent! I'll come and write to you again soon, remind me please?

Boring talking.

I don't have a lot in mind right now, so I'll just be reaching for words I think.

I just feel bad for not posting for a while, it's got to be some kind of crime to leave a post up for too long about Heroic Age, it will definitely get old.

So anyway, I haven't done anything new lately. Really. Here's to truth telling.

I don't have a job. I have something wrong with my foot (the toe joint I think? it's just kind of damage from too much Dance Dance Revolution stomping, and made worse by running). I also have extreme procrastination. Both those things I described are things I like to say are my excuses. But they don't matter. And now that I'm realizing that, consistently, daily, plus my dad's deadline "we'll help you *RELOCATE* if you don't get a job by september one" is moving my butt along. Thinking, at least.

AARRG!

I'm not angry :)  I'm WORRIED. About myself. And this book my counselor gave me about worrying has been hinting that worrying is just something you do to make yourself feel better when you should really think about how your feeling. So you can avoid your feelings by worrying? Haha, NOT COOL!

And that is what leads to my hesitation. Simple.

I mean, you know, kind of simple....!?!

Does anybody have any tips on how to FEEL like going to sleep when it's time? I have an aversion to it. A huge aversion. I need to just go to bed, just like I need to get a job.

Or better yet, tips on how to wake up even if you haven't had enough sleep. 

It's like I'm depressed, or something. No. It's like I'm depressed.

Listening to: BRIGHT RAiN by miku and a producer I don't know. Eeek so cool. oh, it's my blog playlist :)

Oh! I would really like to buy a lot of manga. I only buy it in Japanese, but unfortunately I can't even try to understand it, despite my strong belief in myself, it obviously means nothing to have hope in learning a language until its... learned, you can't read it. You can't PARTLY learn Japanese and understand manga, you have to FINISH learning Japanese first. Oh well. I don't care, I still want the rest of Black Butler, and all of these: Hanasakeru Seishonen, Paradise Kiss, Glass Mask, Fruits basket, Tegami Bachi, Skip Beat!, and White Album. I WAAANT them so this will be my motivation to go start working and saving money, hmmm?????? :)

Ah. My counselor also gave me info on how to call a nurse practitioner (?) about anxiety. I have lots I could say about what I think and why I might be a anxious person about certain things, but in short: I think pills might help, just to see how they change the way I think. Sometimes I think I need to calm down... :)

And. A sweet person on PianoStreet forum told me that I'm not old, and this person started his/her bachelors at 23 yrs old. YAY! SOB. CRY. :...........(

Kiichigo died. Also sad about that. His fishtank is in the storeroom. Lets see if I can type his name in Japanese, I've never done it before: 木苺 that doesn't look right...　google says it's right. It must be right. It means raspberry ^^

Thanks for reading. Bye. ♥