Game Sta---..... Not Yet.

I started a post a while ago and stopped for some reason and nobody got to read it.

I don't care, though, because it was mostly empty!

Now I'm going to add to it.

Basically, my blog needs improving. It's lacking in changes. Since I'm going to remodel my room, I should remodel here, too!

I am really bad at remodeling. The reason I say this is because I like to horde junk. What I mean by this is that I can't change things. To me, changes seem like a big deal, but other people probably wouildn't notice whatever is different.

For example, I have a hard time getting rid of clothes. Thus, when I got six large packing boxes sent to me (Wednesday, was it?) filled with my clothes from Atlantis, I (surprise!) didn't need any of the clothes! I really just need to get rid of some. Now everything is falling out of drawers, or the drawers won't close, and plus, I need a lot more hangers. And the little cubbies on the top of my closet are heavy and overflowing with random holey hot chocolate- stained pajama shorts and high-school t-shirts that used to be nice that have little holes by the belly button (from when I had to hold my pants up with a belt and the belt caught)....

Lately I catch my lacy dresses on drawer handles in the kitchen a lot, and tear holes in them. ARRRRG. It makes me really mad, mostly at the lacy dress.

I know what you're thinking. You're like, JUST GIVE AWAY THE OLD STUFF, CARA!

Thank you. That really helps. I'm glad you reminded me, because I was starting to go crazy knowing I needed to get rid of 50% of my clothing and yet I can't see any of the raggedy clothes under my nose as being get-rid-of-able.

But they are! I'm glad I have you here reading this so you could remind me of that. :)

Mmmmmm, KAY. There are a few things I need to make apparent to my self.

1. My blog is totally outdated. 
Not, like, boring or old, but just... I haven't changed it for a while. I need to change it for a bit of inspiration. Sabbath (Saturday) or some other free day would be a good time to spend a while making it anew.

2. I need to learn Japanese... by using what I work with everyday. I need to type up and practice the kanji in アニメ that I watch, or even more, the words that I hear the most. Give myself a time limit for working on this project.
examples: ヤマトナデシコ七変化*

3. I'm going to make a schedule. Then I'll explain it to you, and talk about how I'm doing and accept scoldings when I don't go to bed on time. Hopefully I won't need scolding for not making it to work. (I am so ashamed I am late sometimes, but I've got to be positive and do my best!)

4. I have to start journaling about the medicines I take so that I have an understanding of how they affect me. I'll set up a separate page for it when it's not interesting and just factual, and update a small list there. And I can write about it in a post if there's a lot to talk about it.

Musings After the Party

Just kidding. It wasn't a party.

Thoughts I came up with that I need to journal about now:

Merrick: I'm in love with him. But today I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and washing my face and I thought of something. I know Merrick isn't always confident about himself. He says he is, but it's not exactly true, maybe he doesn't realize it. I know he does some things I do that are not confident, like giving in to situations instead of having hope and trying over and over again, or being so practical to the point of being hopelessness. For instance, he doesn't voice his opinion if "it's not going to do any good". Or he is uncertain, instead of sure, with a few things.

But Merrick teaches me to be so much more confident. I want to reflect those values right back at him. But I was thinking, what can I do to help him be more confident?

Or more what I'm trying to say is, to help him reach his true potential, and be the biggest, best-est person he's meant to be?

There are a number of things most people would suggest at this point. After all, I'm Merrick's girlfriend. But I'm not talking basic or simple stuff.

And I was thinking, there's nothing I CAN do, not long term. Nothing that can actually change him. 'Cause it's up to him, of course. I can't change who he is or form his character or be the potter and he my clay piece of art on a spinning wheel.

But in a way, that's not quite true--there's something I can do. I think it's the best solution I've come up with yet, although it's a bit self-serving and weird. But I like it.

I can change myself. If I become a greater person and maintain my high opinion of him, he has to become aware of my the truth in my words and devotion to him. Haha. I sound like a weird girlfriend. But do you know what I mean? It's the only thing I can do, coming from my side of things. All I can do is change me. And certainly if he is who I believe he is, he can keep up with my changes. We can compete with each other, and grow together, and build a garden out of our relationship, intertwining in strength and abilities. It will be amazing. I am so excited for this.

The other thought I had, when I was spurred into motivation to begin a journal here on Diary of Cara, I have... forgotten...

What was it?

The saying that if you can't remember, it wasn't important... does not apply to me. I forget and/or remember all things equally. Argh.

Electronic Mail to my Employment Advocate

Hi Raul! I have great news. My shifts at the Sky Cupcake & Coffee didn't work out for me. I suppose I need more experience in customer service. However, I applied with Skyway Telemarketers, and am working 30 hours a week with them!

When I saw the e-mail from you, I went and visited them on Wednesday. Even though it was after 2:30, I happened to catch the receptionist, and she set me up for an interview at nine the next day. Then on Friday I went back for training, and started work this Monday. Today is my second day, and I think I'm doing well! Along with my 30 hours there and my 8-20 hours at Starland's, I am working plenty, and it works well with my schedule and religious accommodation to have Saturdays off. Thanks for all your help!

I apologize for not making my e-mail more concise; I hope it helps that I bolded the main points. :)

If I ever want to apply to Skyway Foods in the future, because I happen to really like them, how best would I apply?

Also, can I come get my gift certificates when I'm not busy? I don't know when that will be, though. I don't leave myself much time to pause.

My last bit of good news is that I am no longer homeless and about to move into a very safe room in a shared house, inexpensively rented to me, and near one of the Ascadia Community College campuses so I can get education in the future.

Thanks,

~ Cara Lowing, Full-time Employed Worker!

Is this the right one?

This is Cara. I am testing my e-mail to blog feature. If you are reading this message, I got it sent to the right place! Heh heh.

I just wanted to say that today, I'm going to work at the Ascadian city market I was talking about, at Sky Cupcake and Coffee. It's a coffee shop next to the city market in Ascadia, lifted up twelve street-levels high in the sky, serviced by blue-sky elevators (and stairs for the athletic, A.K.A. los locos).

Because the shop and market are set up on the twelfth level with a class B hovercraft system by Tristian Mechanics Inc., we attract clients from Tetra Company and the district palace here in Ascadia. In contrast, a store using a lower level hovercraft system like Hovercraft Speed! Co. or LockFloat (tm) wouldn't attract high-end customers because of the accident associated with those systems last year. Of course, those companies have reinforced their system's lift quality, but it has made a difference for our clientele regardless. That means I have to be up to professional game level as an employee at Sky Cupcake and Coffee!

I'm scared, because I've never held a full-time OR part-time job before. Can you believe that? At my age?

(I'm.......... um........

I'm 25......)

I like to blame it on my upbringing, but I don't know if it's appropriate. After all, I had a pretty great upbringing, a comfortable childhood, and loving parents. I wouldn't say that happens to everybody.

The requirement my family has for me in pursuing a worldly career out here in the "wild" (i.e. the normal world, where there are cities, and people who don't go to my church, and, you know, the grouchy people!) is quite an undertaking for me. However, I think I'm starting to realize why it's mandatory.

See, there are homeless people here. There are grouchy people. At work, they expect you to be on time. Responsible. Dependable. You have to wear what you're told to wear, and you have to quit sneezing (I do that a lot) and be polite, and kind, and give great customer service!

It helps to be non-argumentative, too. I've just noticed  this. Yesterday, my new boss disagreed with me whether or not she was the one who hung up, or if it was I. I really can't know for sure whether it was me or not, but now I realize, I should have apologized! But instead, I argued with her. Isn't that terrible?!

Don't argue with you new boss. That is so not smart.

I think I have a problem with authority. I'm going to get over it now! A ha ha ha....

My computer time is up! I have to go now. Thanks for reading about my adventures in Arcadia! I will tell you more next time. Bye bye!

Also...

I went SHOPPING!

I got hired for two part-time jobs! Yay!

The princess is moving up.

News!

It's really quite silly what I've been avoiding talking about.

Yesterday, I was trying to tell you, in my entry, is that I want to make sure, that in the future, that I continue to rise out of my rags. See, you can be middle-class. You can be upper-class. You can be low-class. But what happens when you settle for something? When you say, "Hey. this is good enough for me. I am satisfied with the way my life is."

To look at it negatively, that's limiting yourself. I mean, I don't want to be negative about it if you are truly happy and satisfied. But there is a difference between being satisfied with an accomplished goal and just having given up, and making yourself feel better by saying it's good enough.

Now, it's good to admit when something is enough. Maybe I put less emphasis than I should on the good things I've accomplished in life. But all I'm saying is that I mustn't do what I know I might do: and that is to get back to a place I'm comfortable with, where I have a place to live and a way to support myself, with something that someone else might find satisfactory, and tell myself that it's time to rest, or that it's enough, and forget what my true desires are. Supporting myself is already such a new horizon, I might just consider it good. But it's not! how can I forget what I truly want? Do I even know? If I come to a place where I'm happy, I mustn't stop there!

Ahead of me might be an untamed wild and a rising sun on a bright, colorful horizon. That doesn't mean the wild is the only place I'm going. There are ladders in the sky.

And if I stop to explore the wild, and allow myself to forget my wish to climb, I'll never get there. I'll never reach the true me. I have to head towards the first step of those cloud-steps and inch toward the diving board at the end of the walkway. If I want to fly, I need to visualize the possibility--and not settle for the ground. Maybe I'll even find a way to grow wings.

In case this doesn't make sense, I want to explain in more realistic terms. I'm saying that I'm living in temporary housing, a women's shelter. It's a bunch of beds in one giant room, and shared bathrooms, and government assistance, and a company of women who have recently quit drugs, been fired, lost their apartment, or are disabled. When you're in that position and you aren't used to it, you feel low. You may be motivated to make a change (I am) and you might even know how to do it without too much help from an advocate, unemployment services, or department of human services. In my case, that's how I feel, and it's how I'm doing. I have realized what to do to get back to my high-middle-class life. But I don't want to be middle class. I want to be a leader or to do something influential in the world.

So even though I know how to fix my problem and it's easy to jump up and take the steps I need to raise myself from the caverns underground to the higher subterranean levels, I am SAYING that I DON'T WANT TO STOP THERE.

Since I know how to level-up now, I should be able to apply the process again to raise myself higher than I've ever been.

It's a long shot, and one thing WILL be different than the other. Level one takes effort like I've never imagined.

So what will level two take?

But if I think of it as a game, can't I beat anything?

It helps that I just got a job offer today at Sky Cupcake and Coffee, at an Ascadia market, which I accepted. I have yet to learn about the district... I don't even know which district it's in, I just hopped the Crystal Tomorrow at 2 P.M., I will go through the hiring process. I will let you know how much richer I am tomorrow evening!

I'm still alive! And quite poor. But happy.

I am in love. Don't tell Merrick. It's him, though. Just so you know.

And we're not even close. We're far away. Ninety or so miles, to be exact. Wait, that's not exact. Just a minute. 105 miles away. From each other.

*Sigh*

I've had my first kiss by now, by the way. :)   :)   :)

I actually moved away from Atlantis a while ago.

But do you want to know what the glorious thing about this is? I can type this to you all, my dear readers, from my blog dashboard. No more cheating by doing it through e-mail anymore.

*Sigh*

I don't want to be rude, but I am in the palace library, but it's open to the public. Thus the dude sitting next to me who smells strongly of something or other. I don't know what the smell is, but it is strong and woodsy, or smelly, and not in a good kind of way. But distinct. Maybe sawdust? Or... egh! heheh. I'm sure I smell bad sometimes.

But still! *shiver*

And my nose isn't getting used to it! That's uncommon, you know? Usually, you know, how you get used to a smell after a while? That's why, when you go to candle-selling parties or whatever, where there are many different scents to explore, they have a little dish of coffee beans or something like that for you to shock your smell-glands (?) and re-start your senses.

I live in a huge city now. What is it called? I can't divulge the name to you..... because I forgot what it's called.

Actually, to be honest... I am supposed to explain what its name is. It's so hard to be imaginitive when I'm distractable. And hungry! Not the point. I need to leave the palace soon, as the hour of eight draws near, and head to my quarters in the ancient ruins section of the city. If I don't, I'll run into raucous rabble as it grows dark.

I am a princess, and this time I truly get to be a princess in rags. It's like, I'm trying slowly to rise.

Now, here's something I was thinking about today when I was on the crystal train. You want me to tell you? Okay.

So. The city I'm living in is Ascadia, with many a watercraft roaming about, underground tunnels, and ancient ruins on the outskirts.

When I take the crystal train, or the hover-strip, and the Whisper, I have time to think. This time, I was thinking about how hard I am working to find employment.

As a girl of royalty, who

*my nooooooseee*

By the way, I am reading The Wallflower by Tomoko Hayakawa in English. Yes, I have broken down and started reading manga in English, instead of trying to learn Japanese first. I have no access to Anime, since I have no apartment of my own, and left my personal computer back with my boyfriend, Merrick, in Atlantis, the only way I can access J-media is to read manga at my public library at the palace here in Ascadia. I haven't been studying the language of Nippon (sorry, this isnt my Japanese keyboard) either, because I've been focusing on employment.

But back to that. As a girl of royalty, I've got to keep my status on the down-low. I dress normally as possible, and sift myself among the normal people

*hence the smiffy shmellick ick ick ..... smell*

Ha ha ha!

Anyway, I'm being mean and gossipy and it's pointless. My point! My point, was, okay.

I hang around the normal people. As part of my adventure, I have to survive without help from my contacts and royal support system. Instead of asking permission to receive funds from the golden treasury like I did after my sixteenth birthday, I have no access to it at all. This adventure certainly is a challenge, I will admit it.

I have to find my own food, which I pathetically leach from our very own government of which I have a part in the say of, and I also request other services of it.

With this bit of help here, and that bit of help there, and advice from about twenty people (maybe more, no joke!) I might be getting by as a normal Kaeto-Atlantian citizen. We shall see!

For now, I have been submitting numerous applications to companies and tall, shiny buildings in the vicinity of and nearby the city of Ascadia. As of today, I have attended one interview with personnel from a high-end merchandise store, and have another set for tomorrow for a barista position.

Prayer to the beautiful God I know as Christ!

Alas, my time is up. I must now exit the central palace and head to the ancients, where I shall read The Wallflower and enjoy a night in the dreamworld.

Riverpath

Things I like about Merrick:
He was "not happy" about the fact that I dropped his fuzzy animal hat on the floor of the cafeteria girls' bathroom.

We all have choices. It can be irritating to be presented with less, especially after you thought you had gained the privilege to make that choice, and then to have it taken away? That kind of disappointment can make something in your chest twist with irritation. But that feeling is simply that-- a feeling-- and it is inhibiting, a mood downer, and demoralizing. It's not enjoyable or deep. It's confusing and completely undesireable. I think it's better not to HAVE to feel this way at all. It's not like you have more freedom when you display and indulge in your "urgh, I'm not happy with this requirement, I don't want to do this thing, or that thing". Somehow, admitting the frustration, and then standing by it, results in less freedom. Because all you're doing is thinking about how you do or don't want something. You're thinking about yourself, about what you wish you weren't doing--a light form of anger. This emotion I'm typing about isn't made of opinions. It's made of anti-freedom. It's a form of slavery, which you're allowing, because you don't notice while stubbornly standing by a wish for something you can't control. It happens when you respond to a choice that has the potential to take away your freedom, and so, you hand it over in your anger, your demoralization, your tiredness. You think you're standing up for what you want, and reminiscing on what once was. You give up, because the odds are against you, and if you were to hope for what you want, it might fail.

But once you move on, stop reminiscing, and say, "I can't change that. Here's how reality is going to be", you can start to readjust. How easy is it for you to look forward and adjust to something new? Are you water, or are you wood? When something comes up in your path, what other options are there? If you were to go around that barrier, instead of lamenting its presence, what other ways are there for you to go?

自由

Jiyuu.

 

Freedom.

 

Make it yours.