06 14 2013

14:50:36

K, I have something to type. Sometimes I really like the gothic side of things, temptations, feeling around in the dark, rainy and thunder and storms with the sleet and rain, graveyards and churches. I like getting hurt and I enjoy sickness and take refuge in sadness. I embrace tears. I like the dark side of things, the blackness, the rich viscosity of what seems evil. Sometimes I want to be powerful and angry, with an emo attitude and witch powers. But maybe, these things aren't just on The Dark Side…. I don't know, I'm sort of rationalizing a little bit, but then again I am really curious about that gray area everybody talks about. I'm interested in looking closer at what really is a little line, that little line that divides the pale gray and the darker gray. I mean, where is that line, really? I think it exists, it really does. Is it really fair to suggest that lines don't exist, but instead the grey area extends forever? Why can't these lines be in pixels or something, where the measurements do eventually come down to a final number, not a decimal or fraction but one line?

But.... So.... Let's see. God can be scary. He likes respect and sometimes he throws stuff. He also has jealous fits and lots of people accuse him, in a seemingly sensible way, of being the starter and reason of wars, bringer of disease and curses, and a party-crasher who breathes catastrophe. Doesn't he care? they scream. What the hell is up with him contradicting himself like this? I'm love, and yet I kill? Take hurricanes for example, or the Great Flood that occurred before Bible times. What was that about?! And poor Job, he had a bad time there, for a bit. So God is somebody to fear? Yeah, I think so. He has the reputation that, for some, drives humans to blame him for a sucky life in general. But there's another side to it, too. I'm not going to get into it, but God also has the reputation for being completely the opposite of bad, angry, scary or as bad as Satan. Besides outright accusing him of having the obvious multiple personality or bi-polar disorders, you've got to wonder if we have everything straight or if we're just fumbling around in the dark and asking a lot of questions and making a lot of gossipy statements about somebody we might have a bad impression of but haven't really met.

19:38:53

I felt more sure of this earlier today. Now I'm tapering off in the awesomeness of sentence-making. I'll have to come back to this maybe….

Is it really all up to the bad guys to have such an attitude? What is evil, and what is good? Does gothic classify it? Perhaps I thought of this because I was looking for Hello Kitty gothic style, but I'm not sure. It's not bringing up any memories…

Ah. I know. It was about balance. About how decisions are three-dimensional and farther; although I can't go much farther because I'm stuck in 4-d. But, hummm, let's see… you decide in four different directions, not two. And when you move forward, that's where you're going. Then time is the actual result, being affected by outside forces in a more realistic way than you had planned. This is confusing! I've been doing too much Algebra! How could I possibly explain the picture I have in my head? Have you ever seen a three-dimensional graph? When you're doing algebra and you have an equation where there is an x, a y, and a z, you get something special. You have a graph that has a real, three dimensional shape that is measured in cubic units. Your footsteps make points and a line, three dimensionally. I'm too tired to explain anymore. Besides this kind of theory is something you have to imagine and decide for yourself. It may not be worth much to you unless it already means something or if you can create it within your mind on your own. :)

So that suggests that there isn't light and dark, and that stupid grey line. That maybe there are more dimensions to it, and that's why you have more than one decision in front of you, and why you need guidance and help and support, and why the world is so effed up. It's got a lot to do with world lines.

And that good and evil are also complex in their own way. Because otherwise why isn't the Bible, or any other kind of knowledge, more definitive? Nothing ever seems to answer questions straight up, right there, like this and like that. It's more like huh? And what? And expanding. And switch and change and flip and different colors next time.

It's relative. But even more, it's a big fat picture, a picture in more dimensions than any of us imagine. So value your life. You're worth beyond what you think, quit giving up, will you!? Thanks for reading.

More about God: when I said, yeah. God likes to throw stuff…. And that paragraph and what I said in it—see, God is kind of okay with some of that style. I think it doesn't have to be evil, it just gives that vibe. It's like thinking about homosexuality versus heterosexuality and generalizing and making stereotypes for genders, like, a guy shouldn't cook, the girl has to sew, she's emotional, he's strong and logical—those are lies created by people like me who want formulas to describe the world and what they see so they feel comfortable and in comprehension of what they see. But I shouldn't be okay with the questions I asked yesterday and forget to ask new ones!! What about change, and life, and growing? It's important to keep moving, like the water in a river and the clouds in a healthy sky.

Don't assume, just ask. Ask! Things aren't what they appear, and what appears is different when you explore. Learn about the universe, and where it all started. Because, trust me, it starts somewhere gorgeous, and not the explosive kind.

Back to balance. (This is one of the most abstract and distracted posts I've written. At least it's going somewhere, right?) God is balanced. It's not that he's evil and good, it's just ups and downs. There are things we might not understand, but besides that, bad can be awesome. That's why I like it so much. Scary, frightening-ness that inspires respect is a huge form of power. And you think that our God is going to go, "oh yea, I'm the love-teddy bear. Step on me." He isn't step-on-able. Good always wins, like Gandhi and the loving passive response to violence, but many of us have admitted at one time or another that there is a time to get angry. What I'm trying to say about darkness is summed up pretty well by a passage in Ecclesiastes, let me find what chapter it is…

Chapter 3, from the beginning to verse 8, or you could go farther, but that's the basic part. I like it a lot. There's a time for lightness, and a time for darkness. Not exactly, but sort of.

Ah, yes. That's all I am really trying to say, after all that… I'm just looking at it peculiarly, and in a real-world, cara-life way. Who knows, I think I expanded on some stuff that will help me later. K then, bye bye.