Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Boundaries and Independence

I think I'm really getting the hang of this "independence" thing.

I've got to stop letting other people change my opinions over and over.

I'm separating myself.

Becoming Cara, and nobody else.

It's hard to make my self (my own breath, my path, I guess?) my first priority.. I like helping others. It feels good, solving problems and making the world I live in a neat, organized place, running efficiently and correctly. With my power, I can keep people's feelings from clashing with mine. I might not be able to control other people's actions, but I can at least change everything I do to keep others from getting irritated with me. I can control myself in order to fit with others' needs and wants.

Well, I guess it's a useful skill. BUT MOSTLY IT'S REALLY UNHEALTHY!!! Sure, I can use this skill as a professional negotiator or something... you know, a peacemaker. Someone who helps everyone get along. An influencer, perhaps? I'm not sure of my skills yet.

But what I'm trying to say is that this skill should not be used when I need to make decisions for myself. When I'm trying to decide my college major, or the town I'm going to move to, if I'm going to get pregnant and have a child or not, whether or not I wear makeup and jewelry, what job I want, when I clean my room, (etc)-- THESE THINGS ARE MY DECISIONS ALONE.

Of course I need to consider how my actions affect others. But in the end I've got to take myself seriously! Even when or if I do have a splendid goal in life, (like going to Japan and getting a job there) it won't do any good if I make compromises in order to improve others' opinions of me. If I'm worried about my actions so much that I have to change myself for others constantly, I will NOT make it to Japan. Or any other goal.

And it's even more difficult when you have people close to you who don't believe in you because of the past or because they're doubtful and stubborn. Because they don't have faith in my decisions and goals, they try to discourage them.

And I'm easily discouraged. If I wasn't writing right now, I'd have nothing to hold onto and I've give into my discouragement and truly believe I'm not capable of going to Japan, being a translator, playing piano, or teaching, or anything.

OKAY. NO MORE OF THIS. YOU'RE DISCOURAGING ME? MY DREAMS, MY LONG-TERM WISHES THAT PROPEL ME TO TAKE SMALL STEPS IN MY LIFE NOW?

(to my parents:) NOT ANYMORE. I WON'T STAND FOR IT. IF YOU WANT ME TO BE SUCCESSFUL, THEN THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. 

And I have to admit, I'm doing it partly for you... because I love you guys. But you want me to be successful because you love ME... so in the end, it's all about me anyway. That means I'm not compromising because of my loving you.

What a waste of time on their part, their disbelief in me. But I can't force them to trust me with words... nope. Not anymore. Well, I'll just have to show them... this is hard to deal with, though. Right now, and in other times, when I let their disbelief discourage me, I start doubting I can do it, too. I feel suddenly sad.

[When I reflect on this later (this is an edit) I think maybe their disbelief makes me stronger, and it's what I actually need to succeed?... I shouldn't say I deserve their disbelief though. It might be logical and fair, but I don't deserve it.]

Anyway-- I'm going to make a concise list of things that will help me with this current problem... this discouragement I'm having. It's a lack of faith in myself, mmhhm. If I hadn't realized this "stand up for yourself" thing, I'd be worse off than right now. But I still have some of the old feelings creeping around in me.

I'll fight them like this.

1. Getting a job is NOT the most important thing. Getting it together is. I can do that, and in the process, I'll get a job as part of getting it together. Duh.
 goal: be at peace with my life.

2. Use God's opinion as my ruler, not others or even myself.
goal: keep reading the Desire of Ages and/or the Bible so I remember how much God and Heaven loves me

(hee hee they are all hoping I will succeed in getting the job God picks for me which is of course my choice as well :)


yup, that's about it.

♥Thanks so much for reading, I hope this made sense and it was helpful or interesting to you.

Keep Going!

I had a good realization today.

You know my post Standing Up for Myself - BEING ME? Those were some good ideas I had. I've got to believe in myself more, and listen to myself, REALLY-- more than what others say.

(My parents influence me a lot, they're pretty harsh, and my mommy is a bit over-advice-ful. I always listen SO well that my head loses any personal thoughts and opinions of my own.)

Well? Today I said "I have to just keep going."

Dumb, right? Well, I don't keep going usually. Because of something that caused me to feel unmotivated, I stop my projects and tasks and take long breaks, wasting time because I don't have a goal, and so I don't know what to do next. Basically, I let people discourage me all the time! Or things discourage me, or situations, or feelings I have.

(Even though I KNOW it's my own job to deal with bad stuff that happens to me, if I blame MYSELF for sad feelings, instead of the situation, or bad luck, or other people, I end up getting all loser-ish. I quit being loser-ish whenever I get a little MAD about being being a "victim" :-)

Traditions
Another good improvement I've made is to create "traditions" (THANK YOU TEXTFUGU). For me, that's basically a daily habit, at a certain time or after another specific activity, and in the same (comfortable) place every day. And I always do it every day, not "I'm going to_____" or "I have to_____" or "I probably will _____" but "I do _____". The things I do are:

1. prayer, weighing myself (WII FIT!! yeah) breakfast, devotional on my couch
2. exercise

those are the "traditions" I've gotten down pretty solidly so far. I need to work on some more (piano, japanese, and sleep) but these are the first priorities at least.

Anyway, keep going. Keep in mind things you want to do. Instead of thinking about everything at once, just pick something that takes you toward your overall goal (mine is losing weight, getting a job and learning music and japanese). So I have to keep going, not stop because I feel worried about something dumb.

Sounds like an obvious thing!

Well, it's NOT :)

I just can't help but tell somebody. For Naruto fans, you;ll recognize this -

影分身の術

"kage bunshin no jutsu"

SHADOW CLONE JUTSU

so cool. Anyway. The only reason I'm excited is because I love seeing the Japanese I hear written down. It feels cool on my tongue. What about you?

Bye!

I'M NOT TALKING sign

I just came up with a radical idea.

I'm going to put a sign on my neck anytime I leave my room, so that people can see. It will say:

"I'm not talking to anybody so that I can focus. If it's an emergency, then that's okay. Thanks for your patience!"

Isn't that great?

(I'm really P.O.-ed right now in case you can't tell!)

It's not like they need to talk to me anyway.

unless they want to have an argument with me.

GGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRR

forget it I have to go now before I hurt my angry muscle.

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )