Don't mind me, I Forgot My Medication o.O

So, I'm taking this medication now called ZOLOFT. Or some generic of that, I guess. Who knows :p I have started the pills really sloo-o-o-owly, so it doesn't upset my stomach and make my moods weird, or I'm guessing so anyway.

I figure it is a good idea to journal on how I feel, so that I can think about how it's helping and how I can help myself in the areas it can't change me.

Since I'm taking it for anxiety, I would have thought it would help just with that, but the day before I started the medication, I was feeling really horrible, I mean upset and crying about every five minutes. Now, that was because the adults in my family had been treating me kind of like they were irritated at me, and really getting on my case about this and that, and I also hadn't slept even a minute the night before. But even so, I think that kind of reaction (crying constantly) and the sadness I feel a lot of other times, might be a little bit of ... depression.

And Zoloft is for depression, too. Apparently. Now that I think about it, it makes sense, but I won't be all analytical and explain what I'm thinking about why. :) Anyway, I think I'm not just an anxious person, but emotional enough that I might be TOO sad, sometimes, when I don't need to be.

So I hope this medicine makes me more lively in a consistent way!  Because I consider myself a lively person, but there are times when I suspect I'm that way because trying to be that way. Trying really hard, too. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be easily happy, simply happy, when I have reason to be (happy life, loving family) without having to force myself. I want to live prosperously, and not wait and postpone important things like leaving the house to get a job.

I think this medication will help. I feel a little bit better already, but it's possible I'm imagining it. For instance, I feel like there are more options available to me. I might be less anxious, but I really don't know... Haha, who knows?! I'll know more when I'm at my regular dose, in a few days.

Simple Reasons! My Goals Now.

K, I talked with my Dad again tonight. It's something that bugs me, that he doesn't pay attention to my feelings, and it also bugs me that I can't stop arguing with him; that I don't listen to him either. I wrote up a long letter to him about various things I want to protest.

But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.

See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.

I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.


I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.


So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".

Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.

I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.

I am soooo...

Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.

TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.

1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!

2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).

3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750

that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 =  6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]

K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school. 
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job

Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe

Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.

I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.

4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)

Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.

! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.

5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)

Argument idea: BOUNDARIES!

Dear God, 

Today after 3:15pm Dad and I had another fight. Are you surprised? Haha, well I don't know if you are or not. But I shouldn't be. Even so, I don't expect stuff like this to happen, even though it has before.

Well, lately this weekend I've been thinking about how it's easier not to worry about other people's problems. I grew up thinking that I needed to help others, not in an obligatory-kindness sort of way as much as a I-don't-know-my-boundaries sort of way. I see this situation or that situation going on, and because I do have my own opinion (naturally it pops into my head) about what the person in the situation could do, I believe I should offer it. I think it's because I like to solve problems, and fix things.

For example, if my Teddy and I have a violin performance at church, I might practice the piano accompaniment and ask Teddy to come and practice his part with me. When he's busy, which he often finds a way to say "I haven't finished homework," he can't come downstairs. I get easily mad about this because I'm impatient and I want to practice because a) it's fun and 2) the performance is close and we need to practice eventually.

But it turns out, if I leave him alone, he might have problems with the performance, but I can still practice enough to be ready. Of course I want the piece to sound finished and polished when we perform, but I can't take Teddy's problems and make them my own. It's horribly stressful for me (I cry about it, because it's angering). Even more, Teddy is one of the stubbornest people who exist, and this situation is exactly the type in which he will rebel and only get stubborner. So I can't do anything.  My anger and crying is NOT caused by Teddy! He is free to practice with me or not. His choice is not abnormal, and the feelings I have could have been prevented.

I could have prevented it by staying inside my boundaries. When I do that, I quit bothering Teddy. I used to bother him to no end (I was thinking pleading and ordering and scolding and yelling would make him do what I wanted) even though it just made him madder. But really, the only result was that I felt worried and upset at my failure, and Teddy was really mad and even felt bad about being yelled at.

This example is exactly what Dad is doing to me! But beyond that, since I am the "Teddy" of the situation, I know that I need to keep my boundaries too. It is possible that this won't solve the problem with my Dad. I WILL feel sad and of low-confidence because I'm being yelled at. But I CAN know for SURE that retaliating against Daddy's attack will not help. If I look at my boundaries and how I used them in my argument with him today, I realize something!

Here's what it is.  My dad is telling me something that is important to him. He's worried that I need a job in the future, so he wants me to get started on it immediately. I CAN'T change the fact that he wants to tell me these things. I'm afraid I can't stand the pressure he's putting on me, so I stand up for myself-- BUT that's stepping out of my boundaries. Instead of arguing back, I need to stay inside my boundaries.

Actually, I think I'm being a bad example to him by retaliating-- by doing what he's doing-- getting in his business and ordering him around, while he's ordering me around.

This is hard for me, though, because I feel like I've got to stand up for myself because Dad is trampling on my emotions. But it looks like he will do it no matter what, and his stubbornness will allow him to continue trampling until he is aware that I have listened or gone and done what he wants with true action. So if I go outside of my boundaries and allow myself to tell him to change his approach, I am trying to change him as well.

It's not losing to admit defeat in this situation. It's standing up for my idea of boundaries-- in order for him to leave me alone, I need to leave him alone, even if that means I get yelled at, and he WILL yell at me no matter what I do anyway.

Ultimately, being independent is not defined by myself getting everyone around me to leave me alone so I can do it myself, but by doing it myself EVEN THOUGH they're "not allowing" me to be independent. SO in that way the best display of independent strength is TO BE INDEPENDENT when they're continuing to worry for me and therefore causing me to feel dependent. If I can be independent even in this situation, then I can save myself. It's up to me; if I forget that and blame anything on someone else, I will lose this battle with myself.

[later edit: when I read this with a different perspective, I suddenly feel like this: "aw that's so PATHETIC! Why am I acting like any of this is ever anyone else's fault? Saying that they're MAKING me dependent? They can't do that! THAT is an example of my blaming my own actions on someone else." Right in the moment, when they're worrying for me, the emotions I feel are very deep and very real. They push their worries about my life onto me when I may not need those emotions. They are making judgements about my life and not trusting me. And perhaps I am not trustworthy, but there is also a chance that I AM trustworthy. Appearances through others' eyes do not determine truth, so it is foolish to assume that someone who feels this way needs to just BUCK UP and fix their own life. And, everyone makes mistakes. This is not the time to criticize myself for being affected by others' worries. If I have trouble making decisions when others intrude, then that is how it is and I need to remember that I am not foolish for being frustrated. Although I've concluded I must deal with their intrusiveness passively and independently while recognizing boundaries, I will NOT belittle my emotions in my own mind, because--when I do, I'm forgetting how it felt and how real they were. If my parents are bothering me with their worries, I am allowed to be bothered regardless of the actions about those worries.]

Haha so confusing.

God, thank you for your inspirations, and please help me to follow these ideas in the next communication I have with my parents.

K... the basic idea is that I must be independent, regardless of others' influences and dependable worrying. I have to stay in my boundaries and do what is possible to take care of myself, and only what I'm able to do when communicating, without trying to change others' ideas. BOUNDARIES.

!!!

My feet!

I went to a new doctor about my feet-- my new podiatrist-- last week. It was super fun, he was nice!  I got my right foot no. left foot, X rayed. And I have a... ah... um... pa no. Bipartite sesmoid. It's on the inner part the ball of my left foot. Basically, the round part, on the bottom of my foot, right in line with the big toe. A "sesmoid" is normal, but mine is divided into two parts instead of just being whole.

So, when I dance (the regular kind or DDR, the stomping especially)  the stomping and stepping makes the two little bones separate. The bones really are supposed to stay together, and are probably held together by a ligament or something. So it hurts when they get pulled apart. And I get pain so it hurts to walk and it doesn't get better for weeks. Plus I can't dance.

But it's okay, the doctor said I can get modified shoe inserts to leave space for my weird foot bone. That way the bone will not get pressed on when I step, and I'll be able to do whatever I want. I'm hoping to get some new, lighter shoes that feel more like socks than klunky tennies. Then I'll put the inserts in and I can still dance feeling barefoot, but with support and my feet won't get any other problems.

I'm going back again to the doctor, and here's stuff I've got to ask my podiatrist:
how many other people have the weird bone in their foot? like how common?
can we xray the other foot for the same problem?
what about the arthritis (maybe) in my right ankle?
why... again, does it hurt my foot when I step to much? is it the ligament?

k then.

Thoughts about Life Systems and Existence... Etc haha :)

Okay, I thought of something neato, so I'm going to write it down.

First, I thought, the world is made of systems. Little bitty ones, like "resturaunts make food, I eat it, I feel full, and that happens once every week" which is the system of me wasting money on dairy queen once a week.

A system at my workplace, where everyone has a job, and some people work under others, while those in charge have someone in charge of them, and that's a system.

A system in my itunes, where my playlists are organized but I still need to organize it better.

And other systems-- many of them overlap. I guess I mean that systems define life, the world.

So anyway, if you look at all those systems, you get life. Somebody's got to be in charge of all those things. Who would that be? Somebody HAS to be in charge of them! None of the little systems run on their own. How can we explain the system of life?

God is everywhere, everything. Or maybe I shouldn't say IS, I should say is the Creator of everything, everywhere. And God is love. The point of life is love, i.e. companionship, friendship, spending time with others, meeting others, seeing others as unique, and valuable.

I like this feeling because it makes me feel like God isn't very far away.

Now, if I get worried about being caught up in anime too much, and forgetting that God is important, I just need to remember that God created everything wonderful. I don't have to be worried that I'm not close to him-- but after recognizing it, I must continue to acknowledge him and keep learning about him. (Study, praying, thinking, listening, those kinds of things.)

These ideas have reassured me a bit today.

I'M NOT LISTENING!

I was talking to Allison today, and I got teary afterward. I felt like hiding, and crying (which I did) and I found out that the spot between my couch and my bed is a lot easier to fall into than to pull myself out of.

I wish Allison could listen to me ramble on about dumb things without judging me. I used to get sick of my friend Lucie (at least when I would talk to her in high school) who would complain about people at church (and school, one in the same where I attended) who were judgemental. Well, I guess sometimes it's worth complaining about.

When I was explaining my job searching discoveries and activities, it was hard to explain them because it felt like she was forming her own negative opinions about my ideas. I know, I KNOW I'm too sensitive to these things, but regardless, it's a little rude to form negative opinions about something just because you don't know about it. When I say "you don't know about it" I'm not spouting nonsense. I have a totally different personality from someone else I might meet on the street or of my friends and family. I react to things differently, I have different life skills, weaknesses and strengths. Of course, it's different to form an opinion if you've tried something, but even then, it's not necessarily your business, right?

I can see what you're thinking. But don't put out expectations for me. Do that, and I'm limited when I think through your eyes. My only choice now is to ignore you, and I know that's not what you wanted.

Then she asked me a question like this: "So, what's your ultimate goal." (It really was more like a statement than a question.) My heart felt like it was being dipped in morning lake water. I answered well as I could, explaining that I'd rather focus on just getting a job first, but I felt like crying right then, so I also added stupidly that I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else, and only myself.

I'm hoping these experiences will just hurry up and mature my sensitivity and under-confidence. I realize that's why I feel like this.

Judgemental people are really TRYING to help, or put their good advice out there. But in another way, it's just sickening. You can't know simply from listening to me what the rest of my life is going to be like. You don't understand my feelings or my reasons for living. You're way older than me, how do you know what I'm capable of in this new day? Youth is power. You should know that, being that you were young once. Wisdom and experience may also be powerful, but this is a time for me when I need to create my own wisdom through experiences.

I still don't think complaining about judgmental people is a very efficient use of time, since it is a form of holding a grudge, so you never have to stop, BUT. It is making me feel better now.

What works for OTHERS may not work for me. Not everything simple for somebody else is SIMPLE for me. But what someone else can't do, I might be able to. I WILL MAKE MY OWN PATH.

Ah- I'm forgetting something. I don't have to make my own path ALL by myself. You know all those Christian slogans (or whatever) about having a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus? Well, I want to know where they got that idea to make sure that's the best way to look at it-- but if it's true, and I think it is in most circumstances--

judgmental-ism means nothing! I don't have to worry about what somebody else thinks if I strongly disagree or it bothers me.

I just have to listen to the Creator of the world... I'm sure he has better ideas than anybody else.

I'm sure :)

About this one thing, at least!

I know my reaction is obviously an OVERreaction, and what I call being really emotional, but it is what felt, after all. I feel better now, but I can't help thinking how funny my head is. Or I should say heart since I'm talking about emotions here :) but really it's my personality makeup, ergo my head.

Well, that's about it. Haha-- right now, I'm playing my angry iTunes playlist, and The Used is screaming in my ears, "Not Listening!!! NOT LISTENING!!!! NOT LISTENING!!!!! " lol.

Talking with my Dad.

I'm going to write to God today. Usually I write to my readers, but I don't really know how many readers I have and who they are, so I'm pretty bad at being communicative in their direction. So instead, when you read this, you can observe a prayer-conversation-something or other to the person I think created the universe (and did it because he wanted people to love and talk to). 'Course God is listening all the time anyway, so I really write to you also.

Dear Jesus,

Well. I just came downstairs from talking with Daddy. I am super upset after that, mostly feeling bad about myself, and even though technically I don't need to feel pathetic or crushed, I still do.

My situation has changed since earlier, whenever that was, like this: I lost my job, which I really was okay with because I didn't like it, but I didn't have any ambition to get a new one right after. I was in school then, also. But you know? I didn't do very well! Even though I was studying theory, I didn't turn in all the assignments because I let myself get overwhelmed and didn't prepare, and so I got behind and then I was scared to try and fix it. Can you help me out next time? I will prepare myself to let you take away my fear. You can strengthen me, I don't have to do it all myself. I'm sorry for being so silly.

I'm actually in a different frame of mind now - I want a job.

A month ago, before September began, somebody would ask me about my job searching progress and I didn't want to talk about it because I couldn't even face it myself-- avoiding it inside my own mind. But slowly, as my dad's "Sept. 1" deadline passed, I became motivated to do it on my own, and I actually wanted a job. I thought about how much school would cost and how I actually had a desire to make money. I haven't felt this way in a year, and the feeling continues, not just a short-term thing. This feeling WILL continue until I get a new job. I am ready now. So I'm applying online right now, and after I go through the government jobs available and any other options online, I'm going to look in the shopping center near my house. So I do have concrete plans. (I have to convince myself of this :)

I think Daddy knows I'm in a different frame of mind now, that I'm trying harder, more seriously. But he's still impatient. His impatience weighs on me. He has a very powerful worry muscle. I don't need his worry, because in the end it works against me.

Anyway, so that's what's new.

I get surprised that Daddy can make me so upset by telling me, "Cara, you need to learn to support yourself, before you do anything else."(He means I shouldn't be focusing on studying Japanese before I can support myself.)

(And some other stuff piled on ends up making me not cry, not just this sentence.)

"Well Daddy, that's like me telling you that I don't want to take care of you when you're old, so you had better be saving up for retirement. I mean, you WANT to do that already, don't you? I don't need to tell you that!"

(I'm trying to communicate that I WANT to support myself just as much as he wants me to support myself, but I might not have explained it well.)

I think this writing helps me, if anything else, to give myself some backbone, like a little support, made of my own opinion, so I know what I think, and other people's questions and ideas don't push me over. I am easily swayed, so I need to know what I think before they give me tons of ideas.

I'd like it if my dad recognized that I have good ideas if he would just let me "water" them. But he doesn't trust me. He sent me to an expensive private (religious) college that I loved, but I took random classes without direction and without focused studying for three years, resulting in mostly bad grades because I simply wasn't decisive and motivated. I wasted under ninety thousand dollars on that. I mean, a lot of the classes are OK and good for my generals. But Daddy brings this fact up and worries about it when he's trying to explain that I need to support myself, get a job, etc etc.

He's RIGHT! and I KNOW that. But it's been more than a year, and he's still worrying about it. I want him to acknowledge me now. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him like he's my employer or teacher. He needs to believe in me because I have his genes and I'm intelligent and capable. But like I said, he lost trust in me. So really, I may be asking something very difficult or quite impossible of him.

My parents' opinions matter to me. I don't have tons of friends, and the opinions of the ones I have don't matter to me as much as my parents' opinion. That's because my parents are like home base, my cornerstones. I just need a little bit of confidence. Their opinions affect my confidence so much.

But my dad overlooks this point because he wants me to acknowledge "Yes, I need to get a job. Yes, I will take your advice and choose a job/education in the healthcare field because it is reliable and it has a good market. Yes, I am hurrying to get a job as fast as I can."

I disagree with a lot of that statement. And besides, his ideas don't matter as much as mine; this is my life. Of course I should listen to his advice. But not if it eclipses an alternate future that I should also consider. I want him to listen and believe in me for a second. I feel like there's never a moment when he says, that's a good idea. I'm excited to see what you will do, Cara. And then trust me with my own future. Am I stupid? Am I retarted, and hopeless and directionless and passionless, so that you can't believe in me, even have a little bit of blind faith? That's what believing in someone is!!!! You don't have to have evidence of their capability.

I ask him to do that, and he says, "You don't need ME to believe in you--"

I don't remember what came after that. I suppose what I've done is destroy my Dad's faith-in-Cara ability. That isn't so good. I told him to believe in me while I was in college, and I continued to fail, and now he doesn't trust me... it makes sense.... but thinking about it this way only makes me depressed.

Anyway, I'm not sure and I'm confused. And massively irritated. There's nothing wrong with my ideas if I actually try them. It's terribly difficult to focus on anything after talking with him about these things. He worries so much, he worries for me, and then I feel less stress about the job-looking crap etc. and more about how pathetic I am.

Do you know how RIDICULOUS that is? Thinking I'm pathetic isn't going to help me get a job!!!

I'm serious. This is about my feelings. I get downstairs and try really hard not to cry and I can't do it! I cry anyway. I'm not able to control this. It's not something I'm doing on purpose. What I'm saying is, I feel awful and it's really hard to change it afterward! But blogging helps a LOT.

ANYWAY, HE'S REALLY JUST NOT HELPING!!!

I suppose that was all I was really trying to say.

So anyway, feeling pathetic. I've been so motivated lately. But now it's the opposite. So I won't that get me down. After a conversation like that with Daddy, eventually enough conversations and I'll become stronger.

I have to keep doing what I've been doing. In fact, the conversation probably helped me more than anything.

Blogging and reading what I've written helped me realize that this is a common situation many people find themselves in-- having ideas that their parents don't agree with; needing acceptance and not getting it.

I can succeed doing this my way IF I have confidence in myself. I may or may not obtain my Daddy's belief in me. Maybe I'll never have it again! I get the feeling he's going to always worry about me when I don't do things his way. But that won't make my life better. Even Daddy wants me to be happy over a decision he makes for me. It's only that he thinks his decisions will be better.

So basically, I need to be confident in myself, and pay attention to his (very good) advice at the same time. LOL I've come up with this one before! Passive stance.

Actually, I have a hard time keeping a level head around Mom and Teddy lately. I need to pull out of the fire before my voice gets loud, you know? No reason to get upset. My family is easy to figure out: they're stubborn. That means I can't convince them of anything; i.e. don't argue with them. Let them be.

God, please give me strength to stand up after crying, maybe even cry less and stand up more. Don't let me forget about you just because I succeed later on. Remind me that you're a part of me. Or all of me, and I am a part of you.

And thanks for letting me vent! I'll come and write to you again soon, remind me please?