*Important* ...wink wink... List

Something I should read carefully: don't worry about the number of items on the important list--only focus on doing as many of them as possible, or trying, or attempting, or starting them, or doing them as I can.

(IMPORTANT: try to get as many of these done as possible, but don't shy away from starting because there's so many items.)

lalalala font filler

2 bible verses MEM or REV

16 kanji, choose 30 when possible

piano X or piece, 1 hour, choose 3 hour when possible

theory: just do something

DS game - as much as I want. get computer out as I move on c/ new lessons, that way I won't get behind w/ note taking. 

...X...  SLEEP

certain task->certain part of day - begin late in day (for good or negative reasons) begin at the time of day (this is to be REASONABLE:) - I'm going to make an effort of this.

(less important: get done when and if I have time, really nice to get done, just not like... time-essential, at all.)

organizing music

reading for fun

editing Teddy's story
...okay I admit it... anime
there is other stuff in this cat. I can't think of; it's the fact that the cat. exists that's important, tho.

It won't hurt to push yourself, as long as you don't quit.

I'm studying a lot of kanji today.

:) This doesn't apply to actual damage, like a sore joint or torn muscle (exercise) or mental hurt (learning, communicating with others, death)

To think about. To accomplish, soon.

When I start thinking about or go to get a job, I need to remember these things:

1) It is O.K.A.Y. to take a break. I don't have to be embarrassed, and wonder what other people think, that they're probably wondering what is up and judging and analyzing and all that. I need to do what I need to do, and I have done and will do the right thing-- for the most part, I must think this way, not that it's correct, but that I can't get anywhere without this confidence.I took this break for my own good and it was VALUABLE.

2) come to terms with how I feel about my failures, my successes-- all that's in my past-- and my self. Write about how I feel, and why the negative things aren't true.

3) compare my life to anime, and imagine (realize :) that I am part of a story-- that will always make me feel better.

4) I am capable of many things; so choose a job to go after that I know I, Cara, can handle-- even more-- it should be a job I can do better than others.

5) when I start working, do one thing at a time. Doing a good job and maintaining relaxation and progress at home will be my first priority, next, come other things, like weight loss, and Japanese study, which I must carefully do one at a time, since weight loss really can take your whole day, so one at a time.

6) and so... make a list of jobs that I can do, that I like, that I'm really good at, and that will make money and not interfere with my home life and progress in a bad way.

7) just like with the anime imagination idea, remember that I'm doing this to fulfill my role of responsibility-- thinking of it this way reminds me that I am capable of holding a job and that I don't have to think otherwise.

8) don't sit back and plan it all. plan it with a goal of actually doing it, then actually do it. I have the ability to see it through, not just plan on seeing it through. I have to continue this quest until it's finished, and then it's on to new things: getting good at my job, then using the entire experience to progress in life, reaching my goals and all the things I need to do along with it.


9) watch out for waiting. Don't wait on getting a job when you should be doing. Start recognizing when I'm using excuses to avoid getting this job and making money for school.

10) think of my future as I do all this. look at the big picture; when you do that, you'll realize how silly it is to be self-conscious. This isn't all about my problems, this is about me. There is a huge difference.

Horrible Self-criticism. I think this whole time... that perhaps I've been doing something terrible to myself, all on my own. Perhaps-- I'm intimidating myself by belittling my intuition, my inspirations, the makeup of my soul that drives me to do what I do, and I sit back and say "that's boring! that's stupid! how embarrassing my actions are. what is that I'm doing? singing? yoga? dancing?! no one cares about what I write-- what is that, simple observation? making up music? dancing! wasting time on the internet looking at art! watching gay anime!  I look so foolish, so lazy, so frivolous! It's a total waste of time, I'm really quite a loser... I'M a waste of time! I'd better go get something better done, one day at a time, I'll try and be less pathetic, inching my way along....."


It's hard to believe I think stuff like this, but as I write it, I realize I really do feel this way deep inside. It sounds silly when I say it out loud, well, more terrible than silly-- how could I say these things to myself!?

Talk about negativity, LOL.

When I think this way, I can't succeed in being myself-- and being amazing at it. I'm going to have to be more outspoken in this journal, so that I realize I'm thinking these things, and I can put a stop to it.


My life is worth something. My soul is beautiful, like a snowflake. I am filled with inspirations and creativity and intelligence for details, an eye for true reality, and a love for humanity. And more things I don't realize.

No matter what, I always must remember that God created me for something, and I am DESIGNED to be the way I am, even if I have a few inhibiting flaws, I can grow to be an amazing person. Really amazing.

So enough, Cara, with the crap talk. Start enjoying yourself, not just life-- and trust that you know what you're doing more often-- trust your instinct, your snowflake soul.

Study Tip -

Uh oh, I didn't make a post for last night!!! D8 Here's one to make up for it.

Listening to "Kagamine Len - Iceheart".

Here's a great study tip! Wherever you spend tons of time, put an easy-to-use study material nearby.

I sit or lie down in bed with my laptop sitting on my tummy or lap. :) So it's VERY hard to be like, "okay, I'm going to get up and study." I mean, I'm not an inactive person, but once I'm laying down, it doesn't feel natural to get up again, even if it would be good exercise. (Haha)

So I'm going to leave a pad of paper right by my bed, one that I don't move, for practicing my Japanese writing (the kanji). 

This will help with studying more frequently, when I think of it, and keep me from using any reason to not study.

Now hearing "Miku Hatsune - Anger".

Today I'm going to exercise a lot, eat vegetables, do thirty kanji and reviews, and scrapbook organizing. Oh, and I also need to start reading the Bible, I think it would help me with some things I'm denying truths about.... Come on me, you can do it!

Something else! Don't inwardly criticize yourself when you don't do something "useful" -- I should put that whole phrase in quotes, since it's so wrong. For some reason I'm always bothered by my use of time if I'm not improving my character during that time (by studying or learning or cleaning). But those aren't the only important things in life, so I'm obviously misguided.

By myself. hhheheh. Well, let's see. relaxing and enjoying beautiful things is good, it's appreciating the creator of the world.

Relaxing is important in order to do a good job in studying and such.

Spending time with family and friends is obviously important, as a life without relationships is... never mind, my opinion is too harsh for those who don't believe in having friends.

Decision making and control, Studying.

Study in a better place. If I didn't have any motivation, where would the best place to study be? A quiet place, clean and organized so I can focus, with only the item I'm working on and the tools I need to do it with me.

Sometimes I sabotage myself by not studying in a productive place, thinking that if I'm wanting to study, nothing can stop me, but in truth I might be making it harder for myself by studying, for example, in bed. Haha... I don't have what many call "common sense". :)

Today when I made a to-do list, it lost its simplicity and became filled with chores, so I didn't look at it even once, I knew what awaited me!

Scary. So I will NOT be writing a complicated list again. :) I have to remember... the whole point of these lists was to remind me of what I had to do; the other unwritten activities are for me to decide as I go. This will help me with decision making! I have problems with decision making-- like-- like I'm not even going to get into it. But if there was a disorder about not being able to make decisions, I would be heading towards a complete diagnosis, plus all the side-effects along with it! Haha it's so not funny... no... it is, I think. :p

As an extension of my decision-making difficulties, I'd like to suggest that it'd help me to be OUT of control sometimes, as in, NOT "have it all together" once in a while. Actually, more often than not. See, if I stay in control of things, I'm not faced with immediate decisions, because I've already set up everything; I've got a plan laid out, and I don't have to worry about details.

But I'd like to get used to deciding things right when they happen. Things that scare me or mess up my schedule or plan for myself are irritating-- how is that good? Is that to say I'm a routine, planner-type person? But I'm totally not! At least I didn't used to be. It's like I changed the way I did things, my free-spirited habits, somewhere along the way, and I don't know how it happened, but it's debilitating.

I want to be able to change my mind once I've made a decision instead of sticking to a the wrong path like a stupid blockhead.

Learn how to make last-minute decisions - get used to making them, listening, focusing on new things, immediately (i.e. the moment is now).

It's like hearing rhythm in your head-- a dancing melody that continues as you go, so as you do, it just keeps coming-- LIFE, I MEAN--
♥

Today... Let me See....

I woke up late after being exhausted from yesterday's workout! Eleven hours of sleep, I think. So I skipped exercising today, and I also ended up skipping piano.

I am NOT a multi-tasker! Not naturally, anyway... :-[

But I DID study 29 kanji. I'm about to review them next :)

And when I was busily studying away, perhaps a little too busily in that I was ignoring the people around me, my mom and me got in an "argument" or whatever one would call something like that.

(I use words relating to "argument" so much that I just get sick of any similar words, but I don't know what else to use...)

ARGUMENT.

Mom was telling me things she understands about our family - why my brother does things he does, why Alice does things she does. Mom was explaining her opinion on what should be done about the negative things. (Teddy teasing a female friend and hurting her feelings, Alice... ☺ not emptying her trash because she doesn't want to waste trashbags, and cooking smelly meat in our vegetarian house.) I didn't like some of the words Mom used - calling Teddy "clueless" or the conversation about Alice when she might be able to hear us. I shouldn't have bothered Mom when her words are her own choice, but I interrupted anyway.

My mom is very inspired, she could be a psychologist or a writer with her interest in people and intuitive, confident sense into the situation they're in.

But I sometimes get tired of all this analysis. Sometimes I want to plug my ears at the endless flow of ideas and reasonings my mother comes up with. Even more so a problem is that I find myself defending these people my mom talks about when she was never criticizing them in the first place. I suppose, deep inside, that I consider analysis criticism in itself.

My defense of Mom's subjects upsets her - she doesn't think of them as subjects. To her, what's she's doing is problem-solving. She tends to get involved in other people's lives, and doesn't give up. It's a form of helping others, this problem-solving. And she's not a bystander - when given the chance, she helps others at all possible times - grocery carrying, bills, money for music lessons, a hug, words of appreciation and encouragement, conversation - she does, literally, everything she can.

So this evening when I defended the people she was speaking of, she was hurt. She needed me to listen to her, and I ended up scolding her for her "gossiping" and "unkind words" - things she never did.

I tried to apologize after I thought of it this way, but it was too late. She left the house to buy milk in tears, feeling that she should have spoken her thoughts aloud, saying that I can't understand adult conversation and she needs an adult to talk to. Door SLAM!!

The idea of me not being an adult is inappropriate, since I am an adult and she could instead say something like 1) she shouldn't talk about something I want to stop talking about OR 2) she should keep her thoughts to herself.

But either way, I tried to force my apology on her. I don't know if she just wasn't able to forgive me, maybe because she needed to stay mad for her own sanity, or because I shouldn't have forced it... probably both. I'll have to remember to apologize not at that moment but waaay after the end of the fight. Just because our brains work fast (mom and me) doesn't mean accepting an apology is a fast process! :)

Here's what I recorded on my phone immediately after our argument, when I realized I was in the wrong and should have been listening to her instead of scolding:

"We say things to each other that bothers the other person, and I say, well how am I supposed to communicate that to you without actually saying it? Why can't you just let me say what I want, am I not allowed to speak?" But you should find a better way to do it-- speak while checking what you're saying from their perspective. Don't just say, "Oh, I needed to talk, to explain how I feel--" because if it doesn't get through to them, it's pointless to explain any of that, and they WILL misunderstand you and possibly get mad or hurt. No matter what the situation is, you have to find a way to effectively communicate to them what you want to say, or you may as well keep quiet.

But if you're just trying to vent, which is a different thing, then the other person needs to listen for that. But if it has to do with something that involves the other person, you can't just vent and say whatever you want because it involves them personally. BUT, when you're on the listening/receiving side of the talking, and it doesn't involve you, don't get mad about it, it's not your job."

That last part, where it says the person on the receiving side shouldn't get mad, was me. I was getting upset with my mom about something that I shouldn't have worried about, she wasn't talking about me. I mean, mostly she didn't. Sometimes she's not always sensitive to me, but it's okay, there's always going to be a few wrinkles in relating to other people.

Some other stuff I thought about today:

While watching Synchronicity, (click for youtube vid) - "Look at everyone like they can be characters of their own story, poor, rich, all essential-- not to a part in a story, but to another whole world in which they are the main character-- the hero." 

From yesterday, that I forgot to write: "Get a job to be responsible, this is a role I know I can fill, so there's not reason not to approach it with confidence."

What's on the receipt?

Ahhh, I'm quite TIRED!!
I ran outside again today, just around the house, but at least a mile without stopping. I am really weak and pathetic, so that is a lot for me! Hopefully I will lose weight soon. I think I might be gaining, because of easter candy and me... not... restricting myself!

Don't think about it, Cara.

I just looked at my closet.

But I don't want any chocolate or candy, I'm full. I ate, and I can go get more food, like CARROTS, when I'm hungry.

Okay! Okay.

I also played DDR, and did fifteen kanji! Tomorrow I plan on practicing piano longer than an hour.

Piano is so much fun lately. I only recently found out that a person can find sheet music, like for voice or piano, online. Sheet music for vocaloid songs! Sheet music for anime openings!

IT'S AMAZING. I have a beautiful piano piece for Kuroshitsuji, a very difficult vocaloid piece called "Dolls", and the opening music for Romeo X Juliet the anime! (You raise me up.) Those are the ones I'm working on right now, but I found about thirty others. It's crazy fun, and it's gotten me to practice my classical piano music more, too.

Mom and Teddy and Nate went to Red Robin today and stuffed ourselves with gardenburgers, among other things. The ice cream was good! But I also thought of something while I was there.

Since I don't get out much.... Um... anyway, since I don't, it always makes me happy when I go places with other people. It makes me want to have a life, you know, like a job in a busy place, where I'm part of the system, like, something in the city would be nice. I especially like nice aesthetics, but that is hard to come by, so it's just a wish.

I was thinking to myself-- when I go to look for a job, I shouldn't be all self-doubting and feel like I don't deserve a job because I won't be good at it or like it's going to be hard, blah blah blah. I should just imagine the happy part-- like what I can see from this end of it, when I was eating out with my family. I should think of it as a fun thing, a new part of life that will become good and enjoyable. That's why I should make sure to get a job that actually WILL be fun, and not just take the first one I see ♥