Here's a promise to myself: I have been scared to look for a job as a pianist (so obviously I now don't have one).

Here's what I'll do: when I've practiced at least one hour a day for three weeks straight, six days a week, then it'll be okay for me to look for that kind of job. Whenever I get there.

I do need to be prepared, and I need to work on an audition piece in case I'm asked to play for a potential employer. It should be something that will exhibit lots of skills, but nothing special for accompanying, because I can't show skills in that area without someone to play with.

For now, I need to just try and practice every day, and get something learned on Teddy's violin concerto, especially the ending. Also now, I need to get a regular day-job that will give me time to exercise, study, and practice, besides a job in piano.

Dealing With Fear: Resolutions.

DEALING WITH FEAR:

I don't face fear well at all. It's how I am-- and on a spectrum, I am on the far, far, far, other side of the spectrum as a person who DOESN'T face fears.

Facing fears feels really really good afterwards.

Start smaller, if you need to try something that you're scared to try, do something smaller instead.

When I'm anxious, I can think about the people that care about me and build myself UP emotionally with that and my own positive praise.

Building on the last one, try finding spots in the Bible that help with encouragement, anything would be good, and then I can refine it to my favorites. I need some kind of base for encouragement and anime is good for immediate emotional soothing, but it doesn't encourage motivation because it doesn't encourage me personally. It's a creative inspiration, not a personal inspiration.

There was another direct way to successfully encounter fear (and leave that battle uninjured) that I thought of right before I read those cards from mom, what was it? uruurrr try and remember, anyway.

I THOUGHT OF IT!!! XD (Please note in regard to this idea: events outside of your control are different, and that means a different kind of fear.)

You don't have to be afraid of something you don't really have to do. You don't ever HAVE to do anything, and if you feel like you "have to" it's because you CHOSE to make yourself do it, not because you actually have to. When you're afraid, don't feel bad... but remember this.

Weight Loss List!

stuff for my weight loss list?

what's left (not added) --> it's okay to remove stuff from my lists or replace it with something I like better, just try to avoid buying things that I don't want as much as something else!
--> lbs guidlines are just to help. I can't fit everything in if I follow that exactly:)
--> buy animes together if shipping is cheaper, it's okay as long as I put them away at home until it's time.
-->!! ADD MANGA as appropriate; I'm missing just about all of them, and it's going to get intense as I lose more.

RULE: !! needs to be stuff that I actually want; something I would spend money OVER something else-- I have to want it that much.

CURRENT LIST... which I'm going to edit right now:

189+APPLICATIONS christmas box
187 home haircut
183 the wallflower
182 Crimson Camellia
181 DyeMoon
179 Black Butler #1(ebay)
177.5 church bells CD
177 brush pen
174 salon haircut short
170 peach girl
169 Dye2
167 Bleach #1(check order info in doc.)
163 romeo X juliet
162.5 small items protector box
162 three shirts set
161.5 magazines, grey flip-flops, sm purse
157.5 Neo Angelique Abyss1
153.5 Neo Angelique Abyss2
149.5 fruits basket
149 bike lock + mickey mouse tote
148.5 white mexico dress
148 pink flats
147.5 blue flip-flops
147 red flip-flops
145.5 vampire knight + guilty
145 jean skirt
141.5 bleach set 1
141 purple green garden dress
140 rose dress
139 bleach teeth (haha)
139 grey kimono dress (haha)
139 bleach set 2 (haha!)
138.5 I Like You
138 Spice!
137.5 Anger
137 Filozoifio
136.5 Just be friends
136 Fruits basket manga #1
135.5 Nana #1
135 skullcandy headphones
134 silver promise box
134 SHOP
134 howl's moving castle
134 home nails + wax
134 cosplay outfit
134 eyebrows
134 new fancy cosmetics or other products
134 monk chanting CD itunes
134+complex. TUNAGATE
(AFTER 134 & 2000 kanji, and read all of Grammar guide:) textfugu? $120
LH4L!!

Time Picking.

Things that I don't LIKE (or not always, like, I'm unmotivated) to do, therefore I have to pick a time:

(parenthesis mean I picked a time)
- walking the dog
- going to bed (8 prep, 9 lockin, 10 lights out) - also pills/shower/facewash/teeth
- exercising
- piano practice 1+ hr AT LEAST ONE! for clarity.
- studying japanese
- studying the bible
- reading healthy books
- jobsearch (right now)

so far that's all--

7  - walking the dog AM
     exercising (after above)
10 - piano practice 1+ hr AT LEAST ONE! for clarity.
11 - studying japanese
12 - jobsearch (right now)
17 - dog walk PM
- studying the bible
- reading healthy books
20 - going to bed (8 prep, 9 lockin, 10 lights out) - also pills/shower/facewash/teeth

8-9-10

EIGHT O'CLOCK PREP / NINE O'CLOCK LOCKOUT / TEN O'CLOCK ABSOLUTE POWEROUT


1. med x 3
2. Eat something healthy - a vitamin, some oatmeal, a glass of water, some tea...
3. 15+ min Japanese
4. 1 ch + Bible
5. brush, floss
6. facewash OR shower
7. facecream
and then...

-.-


ALSO ADD TO.

Pilltime=bedtime!

I've been taking birth control lately, not for the usual thing, but to calm down my complexion, and also in preparation for possible acutain or a version of that. (It's such a strong drug that United states... government, I think? requires two methods of birth control in order to avoid issues with abortions and fatal birth defects. blehg.)

Anyway, it's really important that you take the pill everyday, or there's a mess. Basically there's no point in using the pill if you don't take it everyday because you forget to, you have to find a different method.

So, it's absolutely required.

Now, this is a really abstract connection, but I love to make abstract connections.

I need to think of going to bed like taking pills. This is simple, I can make this a life habit!

Go to bed always, no matter what, just like you take your pills when your phone brriiiiinnggs. Make an alarm for sleeptime too, and just go to bed. Enjoy the time, you won't get it later. I won't make room for those kinds of oversights, and I don't need to.

(I have amazing ability to go, "aw later" which is absolutely psycho in other people's minds... I'm still up and it's six AM, for NO reason, I didn't go out dancing, I am dead tired, but I just didn't want to sleep.)

So, yeah. what I said above, in pink!

:..( JOURNEY :)

I think when I watch anime I need to be careful to enjoy each episode, as in, enjoying the journey, not the end (as long as it's a good anime) instead of hurrying to finish, to see what happens.

I don't usually like that way of thinking. I love finishing things, or I don't start. I call it being lazy. But I think it's more complex than that. It makes me afraid to start anything.

I don't get it, but... if I thought this way I'd be able to go do other things before finishing this or that. It's very distracting to feel like I have to finish tasks before moving on to something else. I'm afraid... fear overtakes me.

Boy, do I have a complex, or what!?!?

Enjoy the journey.... a good life motto for solving the problem of laziness, a.k.a. loss of motivation.

I was listening to this while I wrote. :) It's so weird, do you get it? I guess it's from something, that's why I don't know.

This post is making me happy. Good thoughts I'm having.

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

So... if I was giving myself self-counseling, instead of going to someone, which is my preference :) here's what I would tell myself. I'm writing these things because they're essential to my getting a life, and if I remembered them I think it would solve everything.

1. I have anxiety, and once it starts, I don't know how to stop it, and so it gets worse.
2. I get anxious when I am afraid and I can't face something-- usually a decision that I'm afraid to make-- and so I avoid it. I'm very good at avoiding things, but when I do that, I am often literally acting like a child. First, I might hide from the problem (under my bed, in closets, or by sleeping or entertaining myself with a book or anime) or I might make stupid arguments, and get defensive when it's really my fault and I don't need to make excuses, I need to take action.

Something else interesting: I realized the other day. When someone is hiding from a decision (to take action) with bad habits and/or addictions, it doesn't mean that they're not strong enough or they don't "want" to meet their goals "badly enough". It's just that avoiding a decision is a completely different thing than saying YES or NO. It is in-between, and that in itself is what makes it so easy. You're not giving up-- you're pressing pause on the problem. So you can effectively forget about the problem without feeling guilty because you're still "planning" on taking care of it later.

I'm not weak for avoiding the problem, I'm not even thinking about the problem-- I'm not even trying. Sure, I might be weak initially because I was afraid, but that's a smaller weakness than a weakness that would mean I'm not strong enough to make a future for myself. If I give it my best, and truly try, and THEN I don't make it, THAT'S when I'm not strong enough.

Maybe I'm a little afraid to go there... to really try. But "trying" is a scary word because it encompasses the starting, the journey, and the end result-- I'm looking at the picture in too much of a general, large way. I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

SUCCESS AGAIN!

I did it. I made it to class, and I was LATE AND I EVEN WENT IN.

I NEVER go into class anymore even if I'm one minute late. Of course that sounds ridiculous, probably, but I'm very obsessive-- not about being early-- but that if I'm late I am too scared to go in. I hate that part where you open the door with a loud click, everyone's face turns towards you, and they regard you... thinking one thing or another, and the teacher glances at you ***uuugh shuudder***

Anyway, so I went in even though I was late. The teacher is totally nice and was like, "Hi Cara" in this sort of side-ways way.

Okay, it helped that I stood outside the door in pain a minute, which was long enough for anohter late person to join me. The door was locked, we knocked, and the professor let us in.

*WHEW* !!! Next time, I HAVE to go in even if I'm by myself.

;)

The class content was, for once, something I listened to closely,(good because it was very essential info) and I feel prepared to start my homework. There is a lot, though, so I have to be careful that I pick what to do, priority-wise.

Success, Yesterday! Today?

I went to school yesterday!!! Now this is going to be JUST as hard: go to school today. My class is different, with a different teacher, so I have to do it all over again.

NOW I'm going to go to class today. That means I have to shower really quickly right now and get in the car without doodling and doddle-ing and hesitating. Here I go!

ps. Heisig is confusing me. Report: I'm in ch. 8! :)