On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

Today Was Normal.

My last post was a little off-topic! I am learning to study more steadily now. I'm still not quite there, but, ya know. It will require some time.

I did plenty of Japanese today! I guess that means I need to do Music Theory instead, as my next subject. That's my weakness-- once I really get into studying something, I just want to study more of that. It's very disorienting to start back on a subject I haven't been working on, and it makes it hard to stop and start. It's like I'm a car that takes a long time to accelerate, and a long time to decelerate, brake, and change directions.

Of course, on those days that my brain works like everybody elses' (err, I should say, many other people) I have the potential to get bored with different subjects, and switching back and forth can be totally beneficial and efficient.

My day went well, (although I was sure it was Tuesday ALL DAY -- and it is definitely Thursday!) I went to class and did normal learning-kinds of things. I had a yummy lunch, and walked around doing errands and getting my feet wet in the sheen of water on the sidewalk (it was raining. And shivery cold!).

I think I'm going to start working out! I got a locker assigned to me, and I've now learned the gym and weight room schedule. I am excited for when I can go work out for real.

But now, I must return home, to my home in Japan. (I pretend my apartment is a traditional Japanese residence. Fun.)

Hello hello!

Oops. That wasn't the button I wanted to press. I meant to look at all my followers and feel happy about people following me! Do I really have TEN? How NICE! X)

It is time for an update like no other. I am very proud of myself today. I mean, I suppose I could get more proud in the future, but today I am doing very well in comparison to how I have been in the past. I will explain this next! Actually, let me make a list of the stuff I need to think about getting done (in and after) this current hour, before I monologue (?) further....


Do I want to join the “Fitness Club”? Consider this in relation to…

                On-campus runs—learn about the surrounding area —businesses and whatnot

                Access to locker at some undefined hours

                How big will my locker be? Can I FIT my 1)lunch 2)clothes 3)hairdryer?! 

                4)flip-flops 5)backpack with books 6)water bottle 7)and other accessories?

                Can I work out the times I return-- before classes, after classes, and once for lunch?

                Could I go to the P-Campus on Sundays or something? come on-- Free membership.

                I could... 

wake at 4:30/5, 

leave at 6, 

arrive at 7:30, store stuff and work out, 

then shower and get dressed by 8:40, 

then head to class, 

then come back to pick up my lunch, 

then come back to work out again at 3:00,

and then study at the library from 4-6,

and then go home.

what else is important is that I set aside study, on all the other four days, around 2 hours daily, or 3.

On regular days I also wake up early and exercise for an hour, too. Pick two days to exercise for two hours, a longer run, and longer stretch and strength.

Blog reveling.
Hotel search.
Print quarter calendar.
Starland's Availability (classes)
Do some work at Starland's-- sign up for a shift!
Music
- music theory practice everything!
- especially, get to harmonic analysis
- switch back and forth with Japanese every ten minutes (set timer--try it at fifteen, too)
- print music staves and assignments for
     * triads for scales
     * key signatures and scales
     * order of flats and sharps on treble and bass clefs
Japanese
- think of a way to make flashcards
- do some reviewing on the internet for kanji

Oooookay. So I'm proud of myself because I'm in school. I'm in school! I'm going to a community college based out of metropolitan Kalotei--it's very exciting. In fact, although I've been to a community college before, it wasn't to start a serious degree (like this time) and it wasn't in a big city like this. Here, people flock to take classes and absorb information to make their lives better. These people are coming out of hard spots in life and are desperate, and tired, adventurous, and ingenious. Well, some of them. It's so much fun to be part of things here!

It does seem kind of quiet sometimes, but this is only my second day. I still don't really know where I'm going on campus yet, and there's a bit of construction going on over at not one but TWO buildings on campus, so getting inside of one building or another is confusing and certain departments are hiding behind yellow tape and metal framework beams.

So yes! I'm doing well! However, it's almost time for me to go home, after a little studying, I've got to go. I still haven't decided whether I study best in the library or best on my own in my room. I know my productivity is better when I can study independently, and that it's best for me to avoid the temptation to relax and watch anime in my room, thus the library theme, but when I'm at the library I get distracted with other matters and can't focus either. Maybe next time I can come in the morning and try to take care of all this stuff before it's even time to go to class, so that after class I can study.

Or... maybe it's good to take a break after classes? But not such a long break. Alright-- my goal is to journal and take care of little chores and errands on campus super quickly so I can go and study!! Oh, well, I had some things to do. Next time, I will get more done. I'm off to study Music Theory and Japanese now!

I'll pray for strength. Or for luck. I guess I believe in luck if it comes from God.

Game Sta---..... Not Yet.

I started a post a while ago and stopped for some reason and nobody got to read it.

I don't care, though, because it was mostly empty!

Now I'm going to add to it.

Basically, my blog needs improving. It's lacking in changes. Since I'm going to remodel my room, I should remodel here, too!

I am really bad at remodeling. The reason I say this is because I like to horde junk. What I mean by this is that I can't change things. To me, changes seem like a big deal, but other people probably wouildn't notice whatever is different.

For example, I have a hard time getting rid of clothes. Thus, when I got six large packing boxes sent to me (Wednesday, was it?) filled with my clothes from Atlantis, I (surprise!) didn't need any of the clothes! I really just need to get rid of some. Now everything is falling out of drawers, or the drawers won't close, and plus, I need a lot more hangers. And the little cubbies on the top of my closet are heavy and overflowing with random holey hot chocolate- stained pajama shorts and high-school t-shirts that used to be nice that have little holes by the belly button (from when I had to hold my pants up with a belt and the belt caught)....

Lately I catch my lacy dresses on drawer handles in the kitchen a lot, and tear holes in them. ARRRRG. It makes me really mad, mostly at the lacy dress.

I know what you're thinking. You're like, JUST GIVE AWAY THE OLD STUFF, CARA!

Thank you. That really helps. I'm glad you reminded me, because I was starting to go crazy knowing I needed to get rid of 50% of my clothing and yet I can't see any of the raggedy clothes under my nose as being get-rid-of-able.

But they are! I'm glad I have you here reading this so you could remind me of that. :)

Mmmmmm, KAY. There are a few things I need to make apparent to my self.

1. My blog is totally outdated. 
Not, like, boring or old, but just... I haven't changed it for a while. I need to change it for a bit of inspiration. Sabbath (Saturday) or some other free day would be a good time to spend a while making it anew.

2. I need to learn Japanese... by using what I work with everyday. I need to type up and practice the kanji in アニメ that I watch, or even more, the words that I hear the most. Give myself a time limit for working on this project.
examples: ヤマトナデシコ七変化*

3. I'm going to make a schedule. Then I'll explain it to you, and talk about how I'm doing and accept scoldings when I don't go to bed on time. Hopefully I won't need scolding for not making it to work. (I am so ashamed I am late sometimes, but I've got to be positive and do my best!)

4. I have to start journaling about the medicines I take so that I have an understanding of how they affect me. I'll set up a separate page for it when it's not interesting and just factual, and update a small list there. And I can write about it in a post if there's a lot to talk about it.

Musings After the Party

Just kidding. It wasn't a party.

Thoughts I came up with that I need to journal about now:

Merrick: I'm in love with him. But today I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and washing my face and I thought of something. I know Merrick isn't always confident about himself. He says he is, but it's not exactly true, maybe he doesn't realize it. I know he does some things I do that are not confident, like giving in to situations instead of having hope and trying over and over again, or being so practical to the point of being hopelessness. For instance, he doesn't voice his opinion if "it's not going to do any good". Or he is uncertain, instead of sure, with a few things.

But Merrick teaches me to be so much more confident. I want to reflect those values right back at him. But I was thinking, what can I do to help him be more confident?

Or more what I'm trying to say is, to help him reach his true potential, and be the biggest, best-est person he's meant to be?

There are a number of things most people would suggest at this point. After all, I'm Merrick's girlfriend. But I'm not talking basic or simple stuff.

And I was thinking, there's nothing I CAN do, not long term. Nothing that can actually change him. 'Cause it's up to him, of course. I can't change who he is or form his character or be the potter and he my clay piece of art on a spinning wheel.

But in a way, that's not quite true--there's something I can do. I think it's the best solution I've come up with yet, although it's a bit self-serving and weird. But I like it.

I can change myself. If I become a greater person and maintain my high opinion of him, he has to become aware of my the truth in my words and devotion to him. Haha. I sound like a weird girlfriend. But do you know what I mean? It's the only thing I can do, coming from my side of things. All I can do is change me. And certainly if he is who I believe he is, he can keep up with my changes. We can compete with each other, and grow together, and build a garden out of our relationship, intertwining in strength and abilities. It will be amazing. I am so excited for this.

The other thought I had, when I was spurred into motivation to begin a journal here on Diary of Cara, I have... forgotten...

What was it?

The saying that if you can't remember, it wasn't important... does not apply to me. I forget and/or remember all things equally. Argh.