Beginnings of days are so intimidating. They are full of promise and potential that is begging to be habitually failed at. I've failed before, I will likely fail again.

That's what the past says.

I'm tired of this, and I have gone ten-plus years having this feeling weighting down on me. I don't like it!!!

Every morning I wake up and feel overwhelmed with the potential of the day. I become paralyzed until I feel like there is a smaller portion of time left in the day, and then sometimes I feel like doing the bare minimum of tasks. Then, I might also feel excited for the next day, given how much MORE time I will have to do MORE than these "bare minimum" tasks.

And yet, each day I feel overwhelmed all over again.

It's not okay!!! I feel like some form of a depressed person, disinterested in life, stuck on dopamine activities, listless and lying to myself about what I really want to be doing.
What I "really" want to be doing is not what I am doing.

And why does it feel so bad? Even when I do everything that I reflexively enjoy (eating blobs of fudge and watching gobs of anime and prime video-- Alias right now) I feel NOT BETTER! Ugh.

And who am I doing it for? I am trying to live for God, but I continue to live for myself. Every day, all the time, it feels like I'm failing. Falling. Dead and fruitless.
Like I said, I've failed before, I will likely fail again. This might be my most pressing morning subconscious thought.

That's what the past says. Or-- wait. Is that the past talking?

Hmmm. I don't believe the past can speak. I can speak. I can listen, too. Who am I letting convince me that my past determines my future? Satan? Myself? A combo of the two, maybe.

I can't do this alone!! I can't have self-control and banish negative thoughts all by myself. Too much of this is habit, and I'm depressed and anxious to boot.

Dear Jesus,

Please help me.
As you heard me above...
Daily, I feel afraid I can't live fully for you.
I certainly don't SEE that I'm living fully for you.

But I don't have to see it, do I? I know you are in control. I don't have to be in control. My lack of perfection means you're still WORKING on me. After all, my desire to get closer to you, Jesus, is proof that you're still calling me. And I'm clumsily heeding your call.

I need you. Please live through me, so that it is not me who lives, but you who lives in me.
Please, God, Holy Spirit, Yahweh -- please act out your Word. If it's your will, please include me in your plan and find a way to make me useful in your plan. I want to be close to you.
And when I'm feeling listless about all of this, please help me WANT to get closer to you....

Amen.


Ps. To everyone:  I am married now to an amazing man named Phtephen (pronounced ff-teven)

dear Jesus,

Please help me to love you like I love other people. 
When you want me to get focused, 
please reach inside my brain and motivate me 
to please you. 
Fill me with your Holy Spirit 
so I can get your work done. 
Thank you. 
Amen.

I am so excited...

I have so many things to talk about and it's been so long since I posted… I don't know where to start! But it's 1 AM where I am so I have to sign off before I even begin.

Teddy is Sleeping and I am Typing on his Computer

I am a cute a tiny little computer. However, I don’t like myself. I can’t type very fast. I don’t flip over and turn into a tablet. No, I do like myself. I am teeny tiny and functional and adorable and probably didn’t cost very much! To make it even better, I arm freaking adorable!!! And tiny! Actually, let me check myself out. Hmmm. No CD spot. What am I for, studying? Hmm.. why did Teddy buy me? I haven’t typed in a while and I am not sure where my typing skills lie on the spectrum.

I’m worried about the time. It is almost twelve o’clock and I don’t know when we need to go to the Thanksgiving dinner. I also am kind of sleepy and need more sleep. Teddy is over there just sleeping away (without snoring, which I am jealous of) just sleeping sleeping sleeping. I don’t know how he does that after I’ve woken him up so many times. It’s probably a bad habit but I’m glad he’s getting his sleep. Sort of. Although it might be better if he learned how to get sleep ahead of time instead of cutting it into the rest of his day. Anybody including him knows how annoying that kind of thing is when you realize how much less time you have to live life before you are supposed to go to sleep AGAIN. Ah well, I don’t really do that anymore so I guess it has to do with imagining going to bed crazy early, relaxing with a mind to sleep, and eventually going to bed a little earlier than your usual way too late. Or maybe it just happens naturally as you get older and it has more to do with being an old fogie than it has to do with being a young fogey. Wait, what do I mean by this? I can't recall...

I made it into the trash! YESH

Ah, yes, I am not even a touch screen. Sigh. Teddy, you need to get a life. Okay, bye now! Piano practice time. … I wonder if I can type in Japanese… Probably not. I will have to copy and paste from Goodle Translate.

畜生！私はまだ画面に触れるようにしています。自宅では、私はipadを持っています。またね！Happy Thanksgiving!

Where is my shortcut key to toggle Romaji input and Kana and or Direct Input?

ctrl + shift + K

I am amAZED at the lack of information on the internet about this question! I though if I searched hard enough, I would find it. Nobody really knows the answer. They just flit around talking about it. Maybe it's a hard question or I didn't look long enough. Anyway, it seems like NOBODY, I mean, NOBODY, knows the answer. And then they will excitedly come back saying, "I figured it out! I figured it out!" But they didn't actually figure out exactly what I wanted to know... which IS..... (I know, I think I'm the only one with a question that matters...) and it is the following:

What is the SHORTCUT on an ENGLISH/AMERICAN QWERTY Keyboard for toggling between direct kana input and romaji input? Not via the settings. Not via the button on the language bar. Not with a button on a JAPANESE keyboard. No!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I WISH I had a Japanese keyboard. I don't!!!)

I ALWAYS have to go my settings and find out the answer.

I can't believe I haven't already written this down! I even made my own Japanese-direct-input keyboard (glued pieces of paper) and I forgot how to set it up electronically via the shortcut! I forgot to write it down!!!

(Can you feel my agony?!)

I am going to go look again, and I will write it down this time. GRRRRRRRUGH!!

I would like to compare this someday in Japanese, so here are the supposed terms, from what I can guess. Actually, I'm sure these are terms that refer to Romaji and direct input, respectively: （入力「にゅうりょく」）

ローマ字入力　ＶＳ　かな入力

ctrl + shift + K

i.e. hold down the control key, then shift, then press the K key

...

Does this work for anybody else?

...

I feel silly.

Good night!