Still Trying

Mashed Journal Partly from BEFORE, 2/20/12 at 22:46, 11:18 PM 2/26/2012, 12:29 AM 2/29/2012

Thinking "I'm the victim" or "the other person started it" might make you feel better but that's all it does. It's like un-forgiveness-- if anything, it bothers you the most because it's not taking ownership of the fight, which you surely have a share of. So, INSTEAD of thinking of comeback after comeback and then blaming "anybody else" OR yourself, figure out how I affect another person, and at the same time observe how I am affected by him or her. This way, I am ready to communicate as effectively as possible and taking ownership of what I say. Sensitivity is for beautiful thoughts, things and people. Not terrible things. If you don't like it, just observe it, don't let it in your heart. Instead, let other people's indirect emotions into your heart so that you can respond in the truthful way.
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And here's the plan: TEST・chart・1.2!

NOTES

Persistence in relationships is better than distance in relationships. Hello, separation and divorce? I'm not giving up like that if I still have a chance. If I've confirmed that living away will have better results no matter how hard I try, then fine! I'll move. So to finally decide what's best, this test.

1. get a job, or the test is invalid and I can't test for a month.

2. try really really REALLY REALLY hard to be completely subservient and obedient. I MUST be able to coexist with everyone. Unless mom and dad order me to work at a strip club or an adult shop on lancaster and also deal drugs, I can just let it go and listen to them. Haha. I mean the trivial stuff that cause fights, really :) just be subservient and humble, obedient, quiet, observant, and listening.

HOW to accomplish not arguing or causing disharmony? Always keep words at the level of conversation, or better yet simply listen. Give in to the little things that don't need to bother me. When I need to refuse or disagree with something, I will do so very politely and without attacking. I have to work to help my family 2-3 hours per day, which comes up to around the same amount of pay that would cover rent in a real apartment.[later add food/buy my own, add utilities, and make the rent luxury, when I'm able to go to church and volunteer and do worship and dinner every night]

Now, an extra note on my rent being that I not upset my housemates. Soooo...my not having a job is a ridiculously large elephant in the room and causes many fights that wouldn't exist except for the tension caused by such an elephant:) I don't know if its possible to do this test until I solve some immediate problems like that. So I want to do that!
And that's it. On to make the chart.
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Write down the number of arguments per day, with which person, and details on how it started, especially who attacked, and if the barrage was made up of misfires or deliberate gunfire. This test needs to be successful-NO fights for a MONTH before I can consider I've passed. This month is like "rent". A successful "pass" requires a TOTAL lack of MY PART in arguments and disharmony for thirty days.

(although I shouldn't allow others to hurt me either, I've decided 3 times the amount I cause should be okay. Of course that should be zero:) Even if I moved out, I might have trouble with my neighbors, so I'm not considering hurt to me to be worth moving out unless it's more than ten times per month. Technically, getting a job, doing my chores, spending time with family, and never attacking should keep conversations from exploding.)
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My future, tho fragile, is not my day, it's my FUTURE. When I accept the truth of death and clocks, I can look toward this fragile future and see the stars beyond death and time. Then I will gain self definition, like a contour that makes me.I'm a Princess with a shatter-able mission. I'm unique and it's all about me. What I have to do is IRREPLACEABLE. Silly? Then I've let my self-contour take a hit.You rebuild the casualties to those graceful borderlands in nothing flat, woman. Don't let those people and Divinities you love's guidance, heart pieces, and life-force, get forgotten.

So when some big deal happens to me that I know how to handle, I realize what I can do. I can see how to use my potential and powers to follow God's and my plan for my future. By being aware of the truth about myself and path, I take on an easy confidence based on my true potential so I can focus on what I can DO. Accepting death, time, and my self makes me see the truth, puts the strengths I already *have* in view, and creates confidence along with them. That confidence does not take any "work" to create because confidence is not an obtainable thing. It's a characteristic that I can USE - but only when I've gained the power to see the truth outside and inside my self. It's time to see life as it is: every day is the END for me. Metamorphose procrastination-on-death and lost-battles into real preparation for meeting the unknown.

An ending into a beginning.

見て頃を！神風怪盗ジャンのテーマは：強気に、本気！無敵に、素敵！元気、勇気！

Do kanji every night! Daily! More if I have that power!

Prepare yourself so you're ready to attack. You won't win the war in your pajamas.

journal

I'm a Princess with a mission. And I'm unique, not equally unique as others are, but in an all-about-me sort of way, where I'm absorbed with my own uniqueness and don't care about others' uniqueness. Almost like I'm better than others, except I'm only better in my own eyes.

I matter- what I have to do is IMPORTANT. That importance REALLY can't be denied by anyone else. If I have trouble accepting this right now as I re-read, then I've let my self-contour, my barriers, take a hit. I need a better defense next time, whether it be purposeful or unconscious defense; and that defense had better be indomitable. You repair the damage to those borderlands in nothing flat, woman. Don't let those people you love's guidance and heart pieces get forgotten.

Once I've taken the time to prepare for something, I feel prepared. ha duh... well... So I should make my morning or noon or anytime routine all about getting dressed up, looking pretty. I love looking good. But especially, then I will be ready and can tackle the hard stuff. I'm ready to attack when I'm PREPARED!

Boundaries, Goals, and knowing yourself

My boundaries are much better when I respect myself; when I am more of a distinct person; and to define it more clearly I'll type: a person with a life-plan, a future. A person with a plan has something to respect-- a reason and a meaning for existence. Without a plan, there is less to respect, know, and distinguish. When some big deal happens to me, I become aware of God's plan for me, my own plans,my true potential, my powers, and take on an easy confidence. That doesn't mean I'm happy, it just means I realize that this big deal is something I must be aware of. I sit up straighter, start paying attention, and think about what I can do in the situation. This awareness makes me see the truth, which is that I have confidence based on my true potential. That confidence does not take any "work" to create; I used to think confidence in yourself is hard to have because I didn't have the STRENGTH to just TAKE it already. But confidence is not an obtainable thing. It's a characteristic that I can use only when I've gained the power to see the truth about myself.

I think clearer with plans, goals, and deadlines because they look toward the future. Accepting the truth of death and clocks is, in essence, looking toward the future-- because my goal is beyond death and time.

Ultimately, what I might be trying to say here is that looking at your life from a distant perspective, where you're seeing the entire thing, and you say, "here's the starting point, here's the plan, and down there at the end is the goal" -- THAT is something that will help you make the right decisions, and come closer to being happy.

I'm able to talk about all this "goal" stuff because my goal is kinda cool.

Beware, religious stuff: What I think is: for the second time, Jesus will come back here. He'll wake up the "sleeping" people, and take those sleepyheads, plus the those who are still alive, to heaven where there are beautiful and happy things (don't take this like it's cheesy) and we will belong in a family that loves one another. I adore this truth, because I don't think death makes sense. I think death can't keep going on like this-- live and die. Baby grows up, dies. Over and over. Nope. Eternal life is totally cooler.

(I'm SDA and we interpret the Bible teachings to say this.)