Ahhh, I'm quite TIRED!!
I ran outside again today, just around the house, but at least a mile without stopping. I am really weak and pathetic, so that is a lot for me! Hopefully I will lose weight soon. I think I might be gaining, because of easter candy and me... not... restricting myself!
Don't think about it, Cara.
I just looked at my closet.
But I don't want any chocolate or candy, I'm full. I ate, and I can go get more food, like CARROTS, when I'm hungry.
Okay! Okay.
I also played DDR, and did fifteen kanji! Tomorrow I plan on practicing piano longer than an hour.
Piano is so much fun lately. I only recently found out that a person can find sheet music, like for voice or piano, online. Sheet music for vocaloid songs! Sheet music for anime openings!
IT'S AMAZING. I have a beautiful piano piece for Kuroshitsuji, a very difficult vocaloid piece called "Dolls", and the opening music for Romeo X Juliet the anime! (You raise me up.) Those are the ones I'm working on right now, but I found about thirty others. It's crazy fun, and it's gotten me to practice my classical piano music more, too.
Mom and Teddy and Nate went to Red Robin today and stuffed ourselves with gardenburgers, among other things. The ice cream was good! But I also thought of something while I was there.
Since I don't get out much.... Um... anyway, since I don't, it always makes me happy when I go places with other people. It makes me want to have a life, you know, like a job in a busy place, where I'm part of the system, like, something in the city would be nice. I especially like nice aesthetics, but that is hard to come by, so it's just a wish.
I was thinking to myself-- when I go to look for a job, I shouldn't be all self-doubting and feel like I don't deserve a job because I won't be good at it or like it's going to be hard, blah blah blah. I should just imagine the happy part-- like what I can see from this end of it, when I was eating out with my family. I should think of it as a fun thing, a new part of life that will become good and enjoyable. That's why I should make sure to get a job that actually WILL be fun, and not just take the first one I see ♥
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
How to believe in myself when I can't see the end.
Think of my life like anime - 20 minute slots, beautiful, emotional animation, stories, breezes, as it will be, a story with a beginning and an ending. Notice the beautiful part of life, every moment. If I could see it all at once, I could believe in myself completely.
Limits Zero.
I went to bed late last night, and then I got up around 11:00, so that's okay. It was a boring day! I didn't work out at all... and ate LOADS of chocolate all day.
*sigh*
Tomorrow, I shall run and everything....
Something I've learned about myself, though, is that when I set limits for myself, it goes badly. When I say limits I mean "planning" ahead, such as, "today I'm going to clean my room and dust the house and practice five hours of piano". See, when I set it all up like that, I get bored with the "plan" and change it almost as soon as I start it. Then I feel like I'm doing something terrible, changing my plans to do something else! So I feel bad about not keeping "self-control" or following my own orders (silly, since I'm the one in charge) and I lose motivation to do a good job in whatever I'm doing.
But really, it's not the limits that are the problem, it's that I THINK of them as limits! If I stopped criticizing myself inwardly, I would be able to accomplish whatever I decide to do, at whatever time. It's fine if I make a list on paper or in my head for the essentials, and it's good if I leave options for myself, but ultimately I must conclude that whatever I decide at whatever time fine. I can trust in my decision, in my performances, my voice, my music, my advice, my feet.
I don't trust myself enough... that's it. And here we are again... should I force myself to have confidence? But when I think of it the way I've just explained, it actually does make sense. It will work!
*sigh*
Tomorrow, I shall run and everything....
Something I've learned about myself, though, is that when I set limits for myself, it goes badly. When I say limits I mean "planning" ahead, such as, "today I'm going to clean my room and dust the house and practice five hours of piano". See, when I set it all up like that, I get bored with the "plan" and change it almost as soon as I start it. Then I feel like I'm doing something terrible, changing my plans to do something else! So I feel bad about not keeping "self-control" or following my own orders (silly, since I'm the one in charge) and I lose motivation to do a good job in whatever I'm doing.
But really, it's not the limits that are the problem, it's that I THINK of them as limits! If I stopped criticizing myself inwardly, I would be able to accomplish whatever I decide to do, at whatever time. It's fine if I make a list on paper or in my head for the essentials, and it's good if I leave options for myself, but ultimately I must conclude that whatever I decide at whatever time fine. I can trust in my decision, in my performances, my voice, my music, my advice, my feet.
I don't trust myself enough... that's it. And here we are again... should I force myself to have confidence? But when I think of it the way I've just explained, it actually does make sense. It will work!
Accepting! Running for your Life!
I got up this morning at 10:30-ish. I had boring breakfast and stuffed myself. I've gotten really hungry for milk lately, I eat it with chocolate or strawberry mix. I think it helps me lose weight because I drink it and BAM! there's half my stomach filled, but it acts as protein and builds and heals my exercised muscles. Cool, right? And it tastes so yummy. But I get a lot of sugar, too... so if I when I am not working out, I avoid that, haha.
... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.
Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.
Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?
GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--
When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.
I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy.
The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.
I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)
午後三時です。
They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)
So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!
Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)
IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal
all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -
Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.
But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW.
In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.
If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)
That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.
... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.
Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.
Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?
GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--
When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.
I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy.
The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.
I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)
決める
「きめる」
kimeru
to decide
夢
「ゆめ」
yume
dream
午後三時です。
「ごごさんじです」
gogo sanji desu
it's three p.m.
夜明けに
「よあけに」
yoa ke ni
at dawn
午前十二時です。
「ごぜんじゅうにじです」
gozen juuniji desu
it's twelve a.m.
They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)
So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!
Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)
IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal
all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -
Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.
But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW.
In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.
If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)
That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.
Acceptance lets you love and respect someone, but it adds something else. When you accept someone, you accept them completely and whole. Teddy, I don't just accept that you're you as you are-- but I know that you CAN become a better you-- if there is one. I have NO doubt you can fly, you can make whatever you want, go wherever you want, do what you can, be the best you--- I believe in you.♥
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Priorities! List of 19:
After I wrote these items, I thought up: STUDY/DO the things that I don't want to do the most, first. Look at my actions and life through God's eyes GENTLY (so I can do the same for others). Make my goal something other than perfection. Listen to others with my heart. Take tasks in small chunks, little bits, do-able amounts, and go S-L-O-W when I need to.
This list isn't numbered for order per day, it's numbered for what I should add next for my regular list of activities, as I become ready for a new one.
1 sleep normally necessarily delicately and in a mansion.
2 all B4 bed: floss, brush, Rx, face
3 nails
4 Bible read, verses
5 exercise
6 dishes
7 Jellybean 2x
8 Japanese 16~ 漢字
9 anki review
current items, doable amount
10 DS lessons
12 anime 1-2'~
13 blog daily, emotions, feelings, whatEVER goes on, not just what I'd like to "pree-zent".
***********Here is my current goal***********
14 Japanese Immersion
15 Dictionaries
16 Translate 1+ item, remember by practicing (+ put in vocab list)
17 write 1 piano song (expect 1')
18 Theory
19 meditate 15"♥
This list isn't numbered for order per day, it's numbered for what I should add next for my regular list of activities, as I become ready for a new one.
THIS LIST is about facing fear, taking challenges, making name, and diving in.
1 sleep normally necessarily delicately and in a mansion.
2 all B4 bed: floss, brush, Rx, face
3 nails
4 Bible read, verses
5 exercise
6 dishes
7 Jellybean 2x
8 Japanese 16~ 漢字
9 anki review
current items, doable amount
10 DS lessons
***********here is what kind of do daily so far?***********
11 piano 2'~12 anime 1-2'~
13 blog daily, emotions, feelings, whatEVER goes on, not just what I'd like to "pree-zent".
***********Here is my current goal***********
14 Japanese Immersion
15 Dictionaries
16 Translate 1+ item, remember by practicing (+ put in vocab list)
17 write 1 piano song (expect 1')
18 Theory
19 meditate 15"♥
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