I am so excited...

I have so many things to talk about and it's been so long since I posted… I don't know where to start! But it's 1 AM where I am so I have to sign off before I even begin.

Teddy is Sleeping and I am Typing on his Computer

I am a cute a tiny little computer. However, I don’t like myself. I can’t type very fast. I don’t flip over and turn into a tablet. No, I do like myself. I am teeny tiny and functional and adorable and probably didn’t cost very much! To make it even better, I arm freaking adorable!!! And tiny! Actually, let me check myself out. Hmmm. No CD spot. What am I for, studying? Hmm.. why did Teddy buy me? I haven’t typed in a while and I am not sure where my typing skills lie on the spectrum.

I’m worried about the time. It is almost twelve o’clock and I don’t know when we need to go to the Thanksgiving dinner. I also am kind of sleepy and need more sleep. Teddy is over there just sleeping away (without snoring, which I am jealous of) just sleeping sleeping sleeping. I don’t know how he does that after I’ve woken him up so many times. It’s probably a bad habit but I’m glad he’s getting his sleep. Sort of. Although it might be better if he learned how to get sleep ahead of time instead of cutting it into the rest of his day. Anybody including him knows how annoying that kind of thing is when you realize how much less time you have to live life before you are supposed to go to sleep AGAIN. Ah well, I don’t really do that anymore so I guess it has to do with imagining going to bed crazy early, relaxing with a mind to sleep, and eventually going to bed a little earlier than your usual way too late. Or maybe it just happens naturally as you get older and it has more to do with being an old fogie than it has to do with being a young fogey. Wait, what do I mean by this? I can't recall...

I made it into the trash! YESH

Ah, yes, I am not even a touch screen. Sigh. Teddy, you need to get a life. Okay, bye now! Piano practice time. … I wonder if I can type in Japanese… Probably not. I will have to copy and paste from Goodle Translate.

畜生！私はまだ画面に触れるようにしています。自宅では、私はipadを持っています。またね！Happy Thanksgiving!

Where is my shortcut key to toggle Romaji input and Kana and or Direct Input?

ctrl + shift + K

I am amAZED at the lack of information on the internet about this question! I though if I searched hard enough, I would find it. Nobody really knows the answer. They just flit around talking about it. Maybe it's a hard question or I didn't look long enough. Anyway, it seems like NOBODY, I mean, NOBODY, knows the answer. And then they will excitedly come back saying, "I figured it out! I figured it out!" But they didn't actually figure out exactly what I wanted to know... which IS..... (I know, I think I'm the only one with a question that matters...) and it is the following:

What is the SHORTCUT on an ENGLISH/AMERICAN QWERTY Keyboard for toggling between direct kana input and romaji input? Not via the settings. Not via the button on the language bar. Not with a button on a JAPANESE keyboard. No!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I WISH I had a Japanese keyboard. I don't!!!)

I ALWAYS have to go my settings and find out the answer.

I can't believe I haven't already written this down! I even made my own Japanese-direct-input keyboard (glued pieces of paper) and I forgot how to set it up electronically via the shortcut! I forgot to write it down!!!

(Can you feel my agony?!)

I am going to go look again, and I will write it down this time. GRRRRRRRUGH!!

I would like to compare this someday in Japanese, so here are the supposed terms, from what I can guess. Actually, I'm sure these are terms that refer to Romaji and direct input, respectively: （入力「にゅうりょく」）

ローマ字入力　ＶＳ　かな入力

ctrl + shift + K

i.e. hold down the control key, then shift, then press the K key

...

Does this work for anybody else?

...

I feel silly.

Good night!

ACUTELY KEY POINT

It's not that I am afraid of failing. It's more complex--here's what it is: I'm afraid that I won't finish. 

I'm afraid that I won't finish!!!!

It's hard to finish when you're not prioritizing. 

Take "hard" up a step if you don't have a time-limit–coordinated schedule. Without limits, and with a natural difficulty in choosing the more important focus, you end up with less important things overlapping with other stuff, and you don't get to everything. 

So say you have five things to do, you get one partially or all done, maybe two, or maybe you sidetracked and nothing is close to being done-- and you don't even touch the other items – that's inconsistency in subject material, tasks, and other progress, where you need consistency, regular touching on all issues (and later when this is accomplish able, review--checking for mistakes throughout your creative splatter thoughts…). 

Here's another aspect and way to look at it. Have an appointment, primarily with another human, and all other things get pushed aside. Not only is this surprising and annoying, but it doesn't seem to go along with the rest of my so-appearing laziness. However. It actually makes sense because there is a time for everything (priority-ish), and if you have some reason for the appointment (if nothing else, I connect well with humans and their impressions of me mean a lot, so, making good ones is a high priority) and then you set that appointment, and it's just that. Set. In time. Not just for a purpose, but it has a place. 

Take its place with something else, and what you're left with is a missed appointment – not usually an accomplished task (because the initial appointment was more than likely the higher priority, being that you took care to set it at all (– so it's important to weigh these things if they come up – but normally, don't expect that anything would be more important that the appointment already set in place, and with a high priority, and all!). 

This is easy for me to explain but hard for me to do: it's like Steven Covey says. There's stuff that is urgent, and then their stuff that is important. Important stuff is like the appointment to set up ahead of time – things that lead you to your goals like I'm training are practicing every day – or studying or working or doing the work that is difficult and boring but necessary. Then there's the urgent stuff like answering calls from your family. That's urgent because it needs to be taken care of now – on the surface. But if you always do that you're not gonna beready for the test – say you haven't even gotten a chance to study – because you ended up answering phone calls dealing with errands and putting gas in your car. There's a point where you have to stop dealing with urgent things and you have tackle that important stuff. But I'm suggesting is that you push urgent out of the way for important. Try not answering a call when you're actually in the middle of studying. Do that, and you will actually have more time in the end – the real kind of free time where you've already finished your homework, can answer phone calls freely – and you'll get a good grade on your test.

So in summary, you might be afraid to start – afraid to get motivated – wanting to be motivated, motivated to be motivated, but not actually doing any of that. Feeling safer when you haven't started at all...

Those things might be happening because you need to follow a schedule. The kind of schedule are you set the time based on how much time you're actually going to spend, and keep it realistic.

In this way, touch on all the things you absolutely need to touch on – like each one of your studies. Or each task that you need to do. Like 1) job search 2) training 3) dusting 4) laundry... And make a game out of getting what you need to get done – done, in that limit that you set for yourself.

And my point. And then. You will not, technically, need to be afraid of not finishing.

One more thing. Always believe that you can finish. Visualize doing so. Find some way to think ridiculously positively (not unrealistic, but the most realistic positive thing) – like how 

you're amazing 

and you're a valuable human being, 

and you're growing

 like color spots

 on a canvas 

that form, turning 

into a flowering 

community section of 

a city 

where someone's garden is growing, 

beautiful in the midst of everything, 

...simply by existing. Then – then you can get to doing just that. 

*** please note: this is all about me. So everything, and application to you, is an example. I wrote this in order to instruct myself; and then I realized it was really good and on point. So I wanted to post it because I like to post things that help me a lot – because it feels awesome… i'm stuck up… Anyway, I am currently dictating these words so it's kind of like I'm speaking to you instead of writing! :-) 

Anyway… What I'm trying to tell you, is that little details may not apply to you but some of this – lack of motivation… Being unable to start tasks… Making you feel like you're someone with depression… It might be this sort of thing. I also would like to throw out there: ADHD, anxiety… The simple possibility of AVOLUTION...Executive functioning disorder, and yes, depression. But those things affect me. Other people could be feeling additional or different real medical conditions like hyper or hypo thyroid… or other things that I do not know about. These kinds of things don't have to be labeled for you to feel them. You can decide not to label it if you like, but people who label it, as long as they are doing their best not to use the label as an excuse, are often people you can ask questions of, learn from, or even just observe from afar. They are very smart people – they are stronger because they know their weaknesses.

So just because you label it doesn't mean you have to admit that you're weaker! Sometimes, putting a label on things only makes you more knowledgeable because you're aware of how you can do better, and where you need to watch out for danger that applies specifically to you. Ta ta for now!

Note: I definitely went into A possibly helpful but sort of rant...just there. At the end. After the ***please note. Stating my opinion and whatnot. Ya. 

Sent from my iPhone

On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!