later edit: IRONICALLY I didn't end up posting this until a day later... because the internet died:) Even though I was so excited about having internet. Here you go!

Hey everybody!! I love you!

I am on a bus, RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

I really can't believe it.

Okay, I'm being a little dramatic because I can believe it. The bus I'm riding is a special one that for some reason is super plush and has internet-- YES INTERNET-- while i'm on the bus.

Anyway, it's true. I know because I've pinched myself (not really, I guess I have taken a reality check, yah) but I have tried this once before, when I took this trip in the opposite direction. So yeah, there is wireless internet while I am mobile.

The internet... on the move.

I am having a hard time fathoming it. No, I'm not. Obviously I am in denial; but anyway!

I've got to get my daily journal-ing done here. Is that not a word or something?

Anyway, yes, I want to start getting journaling done more often. The places I've been staying do not include my parent's house anymore. I am at Job Corps! The United States taxpayers-supported sanctuary for all college and university escapees, high school non-finishers, and not-very-much-money individuals. We're either people who know what a good chance is or we're lazy and love to have crazy fun, smoke, do other stuff, and throw around enough eff bombs around to create an entire eff-bomb-planet-mass (made of eff bombs... guess what happens when they explode?).

Well, let's see. Here is a bible verse I'm going to work on. Wait, first I should show you the one I've already got down. I'm writing this with my computer, not copying and pasting-- it's John three sixteen or The Gospel of John - chapter 3 verse 16.

ヨハネ福音書三章十六節

神様はその一人子を賜ったほどに。この世を愛してくださった。それは、御子を信じるものが一人も滅びないで。 永遠の命を得るためである。



（！！）：）This verse makes me happy. I like it. It also makes me happy that I'm making progress on my Japanese. I hope this is right; I've checked it out a few times but I'm thinking there are some kanji I might should have put differently... :) I don't know for sure. But the best part is that I can hand-write this verse too.

Okay, here's another one I'm wanting to work on. By the way, before I paste this, please note!!! This website is FABULOUS if you're using the Bible for learning another language. I want to be putting God first, but a lot of times I get obsessed with Japanese and forget about prayer or devotional or getting into the Word. So I said, FINE. I will combine them! :) I hope that one of the languages you like is here: http://www.yawill.com/ TRY OUT THAT WEBSITE! If you like bible translations, that is. Or click the link below. (They're the same.)

YAWILL

oh the internet it going wacky.... I'm going to pick GENESIS 1:1. Let's see..... ....

旧約 [Genesis-New Japanese Bible] 創世記 Version:
　　　　　　　　はじ　　　　　てんち　　そうぞう
　　創  1:1　　初めに， 神が 天と 地を 創造した．
　　Gen 1:1　　In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
PDF ver!一
　　１ 　　なに　　とき、　　てんち　　つく
　　１ まだ何もない時、神様は天と地をお造りになりました。

more to come. :) byebye ooh we're in a tunnel...

I'm writing here again! I've been slacking, totally. Actually the truth is, I haven't really had access to Internet. I can send blog texts by phone, though. I suppose I should do that if I want to claim responsibility for real. I mean, one can CLAIM, I suppose, without actually meaning it. But in this case I mean I want to mean it. I want to start writing a lot.

God, do you like that? I am not swearing! I was really talking to God. If you read my posts you know that I do that sometimes. Maybe you do. Anyway.

Argh, I missed a meeting tonight. You will not believe what happened to me this evening in order to make me miss my meeting.

I am here writing on this computer because I don't have Internet access unless I get on the computers here at school. Last time I tried to access my blog it didn't work; something funny must have happened to fix that problem. The system seems to have thought that Blogger is a kind of social networking site or a time-vacuumer. Heehee--

Like for instance, Facebook and YouTube are not accessible through the network I'm using right now. It's got a great government-strength site-blocking system going on.

The last school I was attending (university...two years ago... wow...) probably has one of these walls up now. I know there are ways to get around them, but I've messed around with that stuff before and it didn't get my anywhere but bad places:) so I'm okay with it.

Well, I have it easier than other people; it helps that I am not a person in need of a Facebook fix. However, I can't talk to anyone I know through Facebook!! :( oh well. It does suck up a lot of time!!

Was I talking about something? Yeah, oops, sorry.

I haven't done a post in so long, this abstract and random writing style is bringing back good feelings! :) I'm kind of missing my journal time. :) I'm glad Blogger isn't blocked anymore, dunno what that was about!

Okay. Anyway, back to this evening's events.

I take Zoloft, okay? I think I've documented here when the first time I started taking it was, and so I suppose it was a year or so ago. Yeah, that seems right. Anyway, it's also known as sertraline. It helps many individuals like myself with different mental stuff. I think it boosts one's happy meter, for instance, such as keeping you from getting depressed. But I use it for anxiety; I guess it can function that way too. It also said on my med/Rx info sheet that it works for obsessive compulsive disorder, which I certainly need help with!! XD

So Zoloft/sertraline helps me out. But I'm not on it right now.

Or I should put it this way: I'm coming off Zoloft. I didn't mean it to go that way. It's not recommended; if anyone reading this post is searching for info on whether it's okay to go of Zoloft/sertraline cold turkey, trust me on this: don't do it. Your doctor (hopefully) is a smart person. I like to think for myself; but there are many times in my life when I don't know the answer to questions and I pay someone else for advice. And the info I've gathered tells me that withdrawal symptoms are harsh and unnecessary to deal with. I've never come off drugs (though lately I've spent a lot of time with people who know what it's like! I'm learning about the world:) so I can't tell you what it's like compared to that, and I don't think it's really the same.

BUT! It totally depends on the type of person you are. If you're on Zoloft, it doesn't matter what you went ON it for-- you're going to be WORSE when you go off it. I mean, I am not having suicidal thoughts but I haven't cried this much ever... until I missed my 200 mg dose for a day or two. It messes me up!

I can still think. I'm still Cara. I know myself, I feel myself, I control my thoughts. But I'm still inside my head. And since I can't stand outside of myself, I don't know what I look like to other people.

But every once in a while I am able to notice small things. I notice that I'm not happy, I'm crying, and sitting still without desire to get up. I'm depressed, my social interest is strange and volatile; little things freak me out and my words are thick with meaning and depth. I listen and answer. I feel more... at night. I am much more myself at night. But without Zoloft, this "myself-ness" extends beyond the night and into the morning.

Without my meds I don't have a natural happiness; I flow with life more and go up and down when a wave hits me. Life is fun, but it's also scarier. I think I'm good with anxiety medicine right now because my life isn't stable; it never will be completely, but maybe someday I won't need the medicine once I'm employable, at least :). Right now I am enrolled in one of the top United States Job Corps schools. So I'm getting a basic education to help me succeed in society. It's great, but it requires diligence and concentration.

So as soon as I can I will get back on the medicine that I'm needing. Before I go into why I'm not taking it right now and what happened this evening --

(did you think I was going to explain this to you in a comprehensible, chronological fashion? No way, that's not the way I roll...sorry, I don't even like it myself... I'll highlight and color some words if it helps you...)

-- I will tell you the symptoms, physical and psychological, of going off Zoloft that other people have had, and the ones that I have. Lots of adrenaline, you know, that SHOCK feeling, maybe where you are surprised or trip on a step or somebody jumps out from behind a corner and almost makes you pee your pants. It's like THAT, but only when you're walking around. That's after about three days without the medication. But remember I'm on 200 milligrams and some people take less than that.

Also, whenever I even skip one dose (I take them in the morning) I will end up crying a lot. Of course there's always an emotional trigger-- a fight or a disagreement or feeling of stress or confusion-- but still. I don't cry UNLESS I forgot my pills. Put-tooie!

Anyway, other people say their moods are ridiculous and all over the place-- edgy, moody, practically creeping themselves out. I've also heard that people get suicidal or seem like they're going to hurt somebody ELSE. Even more, you might have trouble sleeping or feel dizzy or have a headache.

Not cool! Anyway, I ran out of my medication even though I thought I had taken care of it, it didn't work out and I ended up being without. Right now I've been without for three full days and I have to wait one to two more. I suppose I'm being overly dramatic, but I feel handicapped, like my iPod is broken and I can't get anything done because I can't hear any happy vocaloid music. It's like being busy with my head so I'm not totally prepared to take on my life.

Anyway, wish me luck. What made my anxiety a lot worse was going to the resident assistant's office and asking for permission to get some of my medicine due to me even though it is the weekend; but nobody could help me and all I ended up with was papers to sign and a lot of questions about whether or not I felt suicidal. Oh, also, lots of time spent with someone watching me while they searched for someone who had better authority so they could authorize a phone call to the on-call (weekend) nurse who could give me advice on whether or not I should head to the emergency room. There was radio communication and multiple telephone calls to the higher-ups and security (like security should be involved in anything psychological in the first place...). Craziness. I could definitely have been clearer about what I wanted: medicine, not anything else like advice or supervision. I did my best not to look like a basket case, but I should have stuck to the "may I get my medicine?" not "I'm gonna go mental without it".

Well, I know what to do next time: plan more effectively and get it done before the weekend. :) Also I learned more about what happens when you try to get help from the RA's office. It's not like they can't do their job; it's just we need someone else here who can do the medical and psychological side of it. The situation was dealt with in a way that made my worries even worse, and if worries are the infection, they aided me by giving me influenza.

Haha. Well I feel much better now. Hey God, thanks for listening. I love ya! Take care of Marguerite too! XOXO