Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.

The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.

Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)

I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good

This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.

I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!

Not the family kind.

The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH

ANTS!

ANTS! GRRR!!!

I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*

IF I believed in curses........









one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....

he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.

How to play music idea!

!!
music = dance "written music exists to tell how to play it audibly, like a dance instructor exists to show you the steps."
dance = better with good balance
good balance = learned best without eyesight
good balance without eyesight = best done with the basics - exercising and stretching and any other physical movements.
music = dance with your eyes closed - the ultimate form of memorization

I don't know.

One thing I KNOW is that I CAN be great. I HAVE lots of talent. But I also know that talent isn't what will make me successful, no matter how much I have. So, even though it seems logical to be suspicious that I don't have enough talent to make money in piano, that's really not something I should think about if I know what I want and wish for. Even though it doesn't matter as much as I think it does, I don't actually know how talented and super duper my piano skills are. I don't know how much money I can make. I don't know if I can compete with the world of piano. I don't know if I'm too old. I don't know how I look. I don't know how much Dr. Merlin respected me, or how much anyone else did or does. I don't know if I'm capable of having enough determination, business sense, energy, time management, and focus, to succeed in doing ANYTHING about piano.

Put simply, I don't have answers. But that doesn't mean I should hesitate for lack of them! I don't know what can, could, or will happen.

But these questions do bug me a lot. That's why they distract me so much into hesitation. But so what, oh well, big deal.

Here's what I am going to do-- since I have no other ideas, no sure answers, and no rock-solid prophecies to tell me what decision to make next--

Set small stars (my word for goals) only. Do not forget them and move on until they're finished!

And by applying this to my piano adoration and problem :), I get this. I'm going to be an accompanist. (AKA collaborative pianist.) I can be one in Japan, and in the metro near where I live, and my own city. It's a job that can make lots of money if you do it right. And I'm already in a bad position right now. It can't be worse than this, and to top it off I usually do better than my goals anyway. So if I set this small goal, at least I can get there, instead of hesitating. But don't tell me I said that!

I'm going to be a "lowly" accompanist. If that's what I do for the rest of my life, FREAKING A THAT'S AWESOME! What's wrong with having an easy job? Plenty of things, maybe-- but at least I will put my all into doing it well and I'll be doing something that many other people wouldn't want to do. Each career and work you can do in the world is unique. I won't belittle myself by putting down my tinier goals.

No more. Be happy, Cara. Don't be a silly girl, now. Don't be afraid. Step up and do your best!

...now I'm going to look up what an accompanist gets paid so I know what to charge. it looks like I'll find out about all of an accompanist's responsibilities this way, also...

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. (Joshua 1:7) Biblos.com link