I had a bad night! Part Three.

Wednesday night's craziness began when Daddy asked me how my job search was going. He was worried because of his evil but perfectly understandable ultimatum-- that if I didn't get a job, I'd miss our family vacation to the lake.

Frustrated, I knew that with only a few hours of Thursday's morning left to secure a job, I couldn't make any more progress. Either I'd found a job by the deadline, or I hadn't and I would have to find out in the time that my family was on vacation, and maybe search further while I stayed home.

I tried to explain that we could only "wait-and-hope" at this point to Daddy, but I was so cavalier about it (how I usually am about deadlines) that he was incensed almost immediately.

(I was a little mad that he was asking me The Stupid Question, yet AGAIN, and my anger didn't help. Of course it really wasn't a stupid question, I was just so irritated by it!! He asked it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Sometimes I'd run away down the stairs when he got home in the evening, just to avoid the stupid question.)

Daddy would have rathered I just LISTEN to his reprimanding. I didn't handle that well. Mom was there too, interjecting, and telling me that I should just be quiet or that I shouldn't say this or that.

Somehow in the midst of the talking, and the me-arguing, Mom brought up my laptop. She doesn't like it that I watch TV instead of doing other useful stuff. Or at least, that it takes up too much of my time. And she's right-- I don't know how to balance my time. I spend too much time watching TV and not enough cleaning house, eating healthily, exercising, studying, searching for a job, etc. Watching TV makes me lazy. It holds me down, and I LET IT. I haven't been admitting that to myself. I never do.

Mom seemed to know how to solve the problem. "Why don't you leave your laptop upstairs tonight?" AKA, don't watch TV tonight.

"No, I'm not going to do that," was my response. I was irrationally stubborn about it, and it went back and forth like that for a while.

"I'm going to take it from you, Cara."

"You can't do that. Just leave it alone, okay?" I felt like an addict or something. It was so embarrassing, it made me giggle. But it was horrible.

So I picked up my baby and took it downstairs, then stuck it in my couch-side stand drawer, where I thought she wouldn't find it. But who could imagine what would happen next? I didn't imagine it, or I would have taken my laptops down to the garage and stuffed them in a box along with the sleeping bags.

I was messing around in the laundry room, which is across the corridor from my room. When I looked up from taking care of some of Mom's laundry, there she was, skulking around in my room. She was peering in drawers.

"Cara, where's your other laptop?"

She'd taken my blue one, the one I use solely for studying. I was so furious-- this was totally crazy.

"That is not cool, Mom."

"Where is it? I'm taking it."

"NO, you're not, you don't know where it is."

"Cara, you tell me right now. I'm taking it. You can't be allowed to have it."

 I walked away.

"Cara, you tell me RIGHT NOW!"

I looked back over my shoulder, laughing. "Mad now?"

I didn't realize it then, but I doubt she was as mad as I was. It was just ME who was mad-- because I was slowly losing control. It's the worst feeling for me-- losing control.

My mother, to me, was acting... well, I don't want to be disrespectful. But I knew she shouldn't have done it.

I told her, too. I went into her room, and yelled at her.

"This is the kind of decision I have to make myself! What do you think it will be like when you're GONE, Mom? You're going to be DEAD! Really DEAD! I won't have you here, and there won't be anybody to take away my laptop! I'm twenty-one! This is not the right way to help me!"

I was so angry. I hissed, possessed with passionate anger, "I will never do this to my children. You do NOT know what you're doing. And I hope that hurts." With that, I exited.

Well, it wasn't much of an exit. As soon as I walked out, I hurried back in, and said, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm really sorry. That was horrible. I'm sorry."

Mom just kind of did this weird laugh-- like she felt bad, but she more just thought.. I was crazy. Really crazy. Like, an addict, doing anything she can to get back her relief-- her high.

I was horrified at my behavior. What was the big deal? I felt out of control? So what? Why couldn't I go and do something else? I didn't have to watch anime or TV every night. But-- I was SOO upset that someone could just take something away from me like that, and that I couldn't stop them. I hadn't expected a feeling like this.

Tears welling up, I walked out of Mom's room. As I headed past the stairs, down the entryway, into the kitchen, I spotted my dad messing around with something foodlike, and at the sight of him, I rabbit-sidestepped to the left into the small hallway leading to the office, then whirled into a small two-door bathroom.

I faced the mirror, head down as my eyes filling with salty water, each having become their own small puddle. With both hands, I shut both doors to the sides of me and pushed in the locks with a quiet click. My heart was pounding with anger at my mother. Her actions were ridiculous. My tears dripping, slowed down my cheeks. I was angry, but I was giving up. I couldn't fight this battle.

Leaning against the door I'd come through, I sat for a while, then pushed myself until I was lying down on my side, in front of the toilet. My tears calmed and so did my heart, breathing, and self. The nightlight's flashing-- bright white when I came in, darkened to a sinister red. It was slow and gradual, but it seemed to me it seemed fast and flashing, so I jumped up, yanked it out of the plug, tossed it onto the counter, then resumed my position on the floor.

Then I listened.

Lying on the floor was calming. I could hear others walking past the door, but no one called for me. I was safe inside this little room. I was safe, listening to my breaths, with only simple thoughts running through my mind, and flat against the smooth, stable floor.

Lying there in the dark, I realized something I wouldn't have if my mother hadn't have stolen my laptops. I AM addicted. Yes. Like a drug. I need TV to help me feel calm. Without it, I can't sleep. Without it, I can't stop my scary thoughts of failures from running through my head, over and over, like a powerful, sucking tornado. I act like a crazy person when people try to take away that drug. But this feeling now... it feels just like TV. This feeling of calm, of empty thoughts, of safety, and... I can breathe. I'm breathing right now. In and out. TV is an easier solution, but it... feels the same as this does.

Maybe I should do THIS more, so I don't let TV take me away for such long periods of time. Kind of like, meditation, or just plain thinking... resting... a different form of sleep.

Finally, after a long time, I rose and went about other activities. Secretly, I decided  that tomorrow, I would search the house when Mom went out on errands. When I found my laptops, especially my favorite baby, I would just take it and hide it in a really good spot, even proving that I didn't need it. For a while, I consoled myself with this thought-- it was the only power I had. But after a while-- I even tried sticking my head in my Mom's room for a moment-- I couldn't make myself search. I realized-- if I DO go and search, I'll be being JUST as CHILDISH as my mother was being to me! I can't do that. It's too ridiculous. I was angry enough at her actions to hold out. I told her that later, too.

As it turned out, my mother never had much of a plan. I am continually mad that she did it, but the results were eventually positive. I ended up getting my laptops back without much problem later the next day, even though I don't feel like I really deserved them, now that I realize (from lying on the bathroom floor) how real my problem is.

I now realize, my mom isn't very good with discipline. She's got great ideas, but she can't stick to them. I know how she feels, I have a hard time sticking to rules I've created for myself, or others, as well. It's kind of a boundaries problem-- and it's important for me to admit her problem because it affected the way I grew up and the way I make decisions. I can't just ignore this out of respect for her, as damaging as stating this might be. I've got to learn how to exercise self-control when it comes to my boundaries of self-- the decisions I make about relating to others, and the decisions I make about myself are all about my own boundaries that I have to create for ME. And that's because... apparently, nobody taught me in a way that I would learn it. But now, I think I'm getting it! SLOOOWWWLY.

Thursday morning, I was all nerves and terrified. I called my potential employer, but I couldn't get a hold of the director or anyone who could actually help me. What could I do? I was supposed to wait for a call, and I'd already tried to contact them instead. What could I do?--

Nothing.

I finally came to the point where I was sitting on my bed, clutching my cell phone desperately. I was done crying, but my face was still all covered with tears of frustration and the knowledge that all my efforts were futile. I had absolutely no control, I realized, in the end. It was too late.

I could look to my heart's content in the following weeks before September 1. I knew I could find one, because there were hundreds of other options here in New Brighton.

But I needed an answer NOW.

It was 1 o'clock. At nine in the morning, I had five hours to learn if I could secure the job. Now, it was TIME TO GO.

I hated the desperation of that moment, but it felt good, in a way, because I had done all that I could, even though it didn't feel like it.

I didn't know what to do. I was really, really, REALLY worried about something I couldn't do a thing about.

As I sighed tortuously again, I suddenly heard my ringtone.

”はやくでて！”  My phone was crying in Japanese-- ""Moe, Hayaku dete!" (Hurry and pick up!)

My eyes widened in surprise and I gasped with disbelief. I was laughing the entire time the phone was ringing!

"No WAY!" I yelled. In a second, I had checked the caller ID-- unknown.

It was who I wanted it to be. As I spoke to the woman on the phone, I was fearful that the news I wanted to hear would be the complete opposite. But it wasn't! In fact, she apologized for calling me so late, as if she'd forgotten, and even referred to herself as a "flake".

*Whew*

As you can guess, I ended up going on vacation. The trip with my mother in the car ended up going exceptionally. She had forgotten both her wallet and license, and I had brought mine, so I got to drive our trailer (with the bikes, canoe, and kayaks) for a while. Throughout the entire trip, I got closer to my family more than I'd expected. It was delightful! Besides the fighting. Haha.

So. What did I learn from this experience? The biggest thing, the thing that I most want this blog entry to communicate, was the way I felt when I was lying on the floor. I admitted that I was being affected by TV, in a way I hadn't believed. I had no idea my love of anime and TV was so strong that it was pulling me away. I thought I was in control, and I wasn't. Even now, I think I'm still not doing well with this.

So I'm thinking, it would help, BEFORE I  start a TV watching session, I should always do one of these activities, for at least ten minutes-- not doing anything but LYING DOWN or SITTING:

lying on a floor somewhere, it doesn't have to be with the door closed, but it might be more effective if I'm alone.

going outside somewhere, take a blanket, or sit in a tree, and close my eyes.

go somewhere in a room and turn all the lights off, assume a position, and stay there.

lie on a couch.

sit in a yoga position.

sit on a table or desk.

Basically, sit or lie down anywhere that's peaceful. Do it frequently, and before involving myself in any stories-- books, audio, or TV. This would be fun. I've tried this a few times and it feels very good. The fact that I came up with this is pretty good, because as it turns out, this is a method similar that psychologists use for people addicted to things. It's perfect. If I find a harmless substitute, I can avoid getting pulled into watching TV without involving my will.

Also, I'll look really weird to other people. Haha! Yay. I'm going to try all those ideas above. Winter, here I come. I'm not giving up.

I had a bad night! Part Two.

I just glanced at that post where I didn't write what happened that one night. That was Wednesday. I was so mad about it, then I figured out how I felt, and it was just so much work to explain it, that I quit. But I really should right it down so that I don't forget how I felt. Here goes! It's going to be long, because I'm telling the WHOLE story. Skip some parts if you don't need the entire thing.

Often during the summer when I have nothing to do (I mean I don't have a job), my schedule gets "off" and I never go to bed at night, I wake up REALLY LATE in the afternoon, I don't do anything productive, and it appears bad to my parents. During the end of this June and in July, I was lazy and I didn't do anything, even look for a job. I was really, really lazy. I watched a lot of anime, exercised sometimes, ate meals, did the dishes, and kept telling myself that "tomorrow", I would practice piano, exercise a lot, start applying for a job, stuff like that. But I never actually did it of my own accord. It was fun to be lazy, but it was also annoying because even I had plans for myself, and I never got around to them. I also felt really embarrassed by the way the people in my house (Mom, dad, my brother, and the friends we have staying with us) looked at my laziness. As usual, I am too sensitive, and that made me want to avoid the problem even more. Anyway, I needed to get a job and I wasn't doing it. I wanted to, but I was letting my shyness and fear of failing stop me every time I thought of actually starting the project of job-searching.

So, my dad came into my room one morning before he left for work. He very sternly told me that if I didn't get a job before August 11, I wouldn't get to go to the lake for vacation with Mom, him, and Teddy. Then he said something worse. If I didn't get a job by September 1 of this year, they would kick me out of the house. Well, he said "We will help you relocate somewhere else" where I could get a job.

(Also, my mom would come in to my room in the morning, and whenever I would be particularly not-listening, and she felt particularly panicky about that, she would say things like, "I hear the food in the homeless shelters is really bad...." AAARRRGGHH!!!)

Both what my mom was always saying, and then especially the ultimatum my father gave me, were incredibly angering to me. I wanted to find a job because I went out myself, not because I was forced to. And you CAN say, no matter what, no one can actually force you to do something, so it's really ALWAYS your own choice. And that's true. But I felt like I was never actually making any decisions on my own. It is a weird feeling, and partly an illusion.... But regardless, it was frustrating.

Anyway, my dad's ultimatum was a good motivation, but when I procrastinate, really NOTHING can move me, not even something like that, for a time, at least. I'm good at ignoring truths, which is something I'm trying not to do so much. So I kept doing the same thing-- planning to go look for a job, and then not going. I really wanted to go on vacation, though. The 11th was a Thursday.

The week before the one with the important Thursday, I started thinking, "Wow, I'm being so idiotic." I mean, I'd been thinking that before, but it was a more serious thought than the times I thought it. So on Friday that week before, I finally started getting ready to go. As it turned out, I didn't have anything ready, and I didn't do well being time-efficient. I couldn't get my resume and references ready in time to leave Friday morning. (I always underestimate the time I'll need to get ready for anything.) Even by Monday, I was completely not ready. I realized I needed to narrow down the list of people I had to visit, so I started calling the numbers I had for the businesses I wanted to apply at.

By Tuesday morning, I hadn't gone out yet, and I was still calling people about their organization and any available openings, and I was freaking out. So I went out. Finally.

I had called an institution called Crystal Palace Rehabilitation (like a nursing home, but more after-hospital care), and they said they had openings for caregivers. Because the director of nursing told me she might be there that afternoon--busy, but maybe available, I drove there first, without even thinking about how far I was driving to get there. (THIRTY MINUTES!!! Ugh. Oh, well....)

After I applied, I asked for the director of nursing services. She was busy, but I was already there and I figured that I could wait just to speak with her briefly. After she was informed by another staff member that I was looking for her, she poked her head out of the door and grouched, "Is that her?"

Ahhh. Scary. I grinned and went to her office.

She looked irritated, glaring at me, saying flippantly, "You know, I thought I made it clear I wouldn't be able to meet with you."

I was really surprised and pulled a little bit of the "Oh, I'm sorry! I-- I-- I didn't mean-- if you're busy, we don't have to--" Now I felt like I was being manipulative, but it was my natural reaction. You're SUPPOSED to try and talk to as many important people as you can about the job you want, even WHEN you apply, if you can. And on the phone, she didn't say "NO, I CAN NOT meet with you".... I didn't know what to think. I wouldn't have minded just making an appointment with her.

But then she said, "No, no... it's fine, it's okay, you're already here, we'll just do it now. Let's just talk."

Wow. An interview. I was glad I'd dressed accordingly.... I was smiling hugely, inside-- and out, I couldn't help it.

She asked me questions about my experience, then said, "Well, do you have any questions about us?"

Yikes, I hadn't researched anything specific about their nursing home. Upon entering, however, I had loved it immediately. It was one-story with low ceilings, making you feel like you were very... flat? But it didn't smell bad at ALL, and I liked the decor and the cuteness of it. It wasn't ugly, and it felt like somewhere I'd want to visit again. So I told her that.

My interviewer replied that the smell was something they worked very hard on. Then she went on to describe that I'd be fired if I called in sick twice in a month. Ah... hahaha. ha. :(

I'd better be careful not to hurt my back! I thought to myself.

So, the interviewing went on, and we talked about the open positions. I explained to her that I needed to obtain a job as quickly as possible.

This forward director of nursing seemed to understand. She didn't ask my situation, and I knew it wouldn't be helpful for me to explain to her that I wanted to secure a job in order to please my parents. Not such a good thing to say. But somehow she got it anyway.

When we got toward the end of the interview, she finished asking me questions and looked at me expectantly. It was time for me to say something.

"Well..." I hesitated. "I would very much like to work here. I think it looks like a very nice place, and I think it would be a good place for me to work. It's... close to home-- where I live-- um, I think."

Well, I was wrong on that last part. But either way. The next thing she said surprised me.

"Well, okay. Here's what I'll do. I'll push those references that you gave me, and if we can get them back, I'll have someone call you on Thursday, sometime Thursday morning. Once that's all finished, we can get you in hired and working on your orientation soon afterward."

I was smiling ear to ear. "Wow! That's wonderful! Thank you, so much!"

I thought that was pretty great. But my worrying wasn't over, yet. My mom was intent on getting me to apply to other places as well. Of course, she was right-- just because I was expecting a call didn't mean I was hired. It was a pretty sticky situation. I didn't want to go to any more places to look, but logically, it was necessary. So my mom convinced me to go on Wednesday, as well.

I decided to indulge her, because when she insists on something like that, it's best to agree, or she'll just keep insisting. She even insisted on going with me, sitting in the car (I only agreed when there was the excuse that we were going out to eat afterward). It actually was nice to have her along. I felt more motivated and certainly more secure. She is quite supportive, I just wish she'd let me be if I ask her to. Oh, well. :) So on Wednesday, I applied to three more places, but I wasn't able to obtain interviews in the speedy manner I was able to at the Crystal Palace. That was worrying, but I tried to count on the idea that I already had a job somewhere else.

If only I hadn't have argued on Wednesday night! Not all of it was my fault though, and I certainly learned something.

Next, read I had a bad night! Part Three.

Avoidance ending now.

Sorry about that. I will now type up what I've been needing to tell.

Of course, I am not yet writing to anyone; I don't think anyone reads my blog. For some reason I feel like admitting that will make this blog less cool. Ha ha! But it's my online diary, it's cool to me even if not to other people, who aren't really able to find it anyway! (I can't find it except by logging in.) Well, okay then...

Back to the part where I said I was addicted: I'm addicted to TV and movies. I am hooked on anime shows. I love anime-style movies like Ponyo and Howl's moving castle. I adore Ichigo Kurosaki (Bleach). I like comedies, romances, action, science fiction, fantasy. I love Alias beginning seasons. I watch Desperate Housewives, Smallville (despite its lameness), Ugly Betty... and I have all the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes on DVD. Oh, and the Matrix ROCKS. And Underworld. I LOVE television and movies!!! It's terrible because once I get started watching, I find some excuse to KEEP watching to the point that I don't get homework done, my showers are sparse, my room gets messy, I don't exercise, I don't go to class, I get cavities, my complexion flares up, I get chubby, my back loses its muscles because I'm always lying on my bed, and then when I go to work (as a nursing assistant) I can't move the day after because all my muscles have ATROPHIED and I strain myself horribly!!! Yes. Long sentence. But most importantly, I don't get my homework done and I am basically heading for a life of loser-hood: no job, teeny apartment, living on welfare, possibly addicted to substances because I'm so depressed about what's happened to my life...

This is because I am an easily stressed out person!! It's silly--I worry about dumb things like how I look, or what people are thinking about me--their impressions--in an irrational way. And I over-analyze things ("now why would they think this? Or that? And if we had a conversation, it would bla bla bla etc etc.") I watch TV, since it's easy to access over the Internet at Atlantis State (the university I'm at), and at the end of the day, or really anytime I am anxious about my life or my actions or my decisions, I use TV shows and movies to help me forget about it. It's an extreme case of procrastination... or just dealing with life.

The problem is, after all this happens, it's hard to stop watching with your own will. SOOOO hard! It's like being addicted to something else, better known for addiction, like drugs or alcohol. Not that I'm saying I know what that's like, I've never tried either of those:)...) But it's hard. For three years, EVERY MORNING, I get up and say I'll do things differently, and I DON'T.

It's like I didn't have control over my decisions, and it was driving me... not ... crazy, literally, but it was VERY VERY irritating. And it ruins your life, rotting it from the inside out. I was spiraling into space.

I now have horrible grades in various classes, many important ones, of which I will be retaking next year. By losing those classes, I wasted a lot of time, not to mention precious money. I was late to classes or didn't go in "hopes" of studying during the missed class--when in all reality, this isn't smart because you get further behind. It was at this time that my teachers were raising their eyebrows, scolding me, sighing at me, glaring at me, or saying "WOW..." over and over. Their questions demanded of me weren't ones I could answer; if I had been able to, I would have done something about the problems I had created. It was all very weighted on my shoulders and it led me to think that I wasn't capable of doing what I wanted in life, career-wise, or anything else. I started to feel bad about everything--that I was fat, that I was pimply, that I had ugly hair. My essays turned to crap, my reading slowed to one page an hour, and I was late to any classes I showed up at. I gained weight, I slept in, I avoided people who wanted to talk to me. Deep down, I was fearful that I was an unpleasant to look at, ditsy, naive, irritating to have around, and an un-wantable failure of a college girl. I didn't long entertain the idea of leaving college and what might happen after that; this was one of the clear indicators that I was avoiding acknowledgement of where my choices were leading me.

Even worse, these feelings made me even more anxious about the state of my life and it caused me to withdraw further. These feelings I'm describing aren't what I always believed; they're less feelings and more emotions that I might have suggested to myself at one time at another, but didn't entertain long. I have a fabulous mom, dad, and little brother who are extremely supportive. We all understand how to love and respect each other and others--a beautiful environment for growing up in--but even with all this, I didn't learn how to make decisions without someone else's help. THAT was my downfall. THAT is what I'm learning to do now (especially I am learning to do the mundane, consistent types of things--studying, practicing, and sleeping at regular times-- that I don't want to do).

Thinking about the time I wasted in college is one of the things that makes me feel even worse about the situation, but instead of pondering the horribleness of it, I'm making an effort to MOVE ON and do BETTER.

Once I was sick of the situation at school, (about 10 weeks ago) I was asking God what I should do about it... and he kinda shoved my mind in the direction of counseling. So that morning, I ended up grabbing an application packet for ASU's counseling program, filling it out, and immediately turning it in. I was slightly nervous, but mostly relieved that I might be fixing my life. Maybe.

It turned out to be a very good thing!! Counseling doesn't solve all your problems immediately--in fact, it is taking forever-- but it does help you see the things you wouldn't have noticed, like obvious things that other people could have told you if you'd asked (but didn't because being messed up is embarrassing).

For instance, I'm learning:
1. how to stop watching TV (get un-addicted)
2. how not to be late
3. how to get up in the morning to your alarm clock
4. how to stay organized
5. how to focus
6. how better adjust to school with my ADD mind, which works like a map with branching roads in different directions, while society (and education) today sets up information and processes linearly (in a straight line).

These are the things I want to do--my goals. Mainly, I want to be a better person overall. I want to do what God wants me to, although that's more of a lofty goal than a true desire, but ultimately, I do want it to be true. I am dying dying dying to lose weight because I am obsessed with being pretty... it taints my day with black paint if I don't like what I see in a random mirror during the day. So my one horribly shallow goal is to be slender and pretty. (As a weight loss prize to myself I am going to bleach my teeth, buy new clothes, get a haircut, eyebrow wax, and a leg wax, those sorts of things....) Also, I want to be a better person for the man I am going to marry someday; I know I'll change in the future, but I want to have some moral codes and good habits and academic success --to be the best I can be-- so he can recognize me. :) Also, I want to be a pianist. Since I'm not amazing yet, I'm not done becoming one. Also, I want to get accepted to medical school, and then of course, FINISH and get a job as a doctor.

There, that's all my goals. My goals are the BIG, LIFETIME things I want to do, before I die. But then there are the steps-- the little, less significant things that take me to my goals, things I really want to do but won't mind in the aftermath if I don't do them. My steps include getting an aquarium, traveling in other countries, stuff like that--my steps list goes on forever. Later I'll post all my goals and steps.

That's the background story on what I've been doing in my life. I'm excited for more changes!! I'm excited to meet someone I can have a relationship with. I'm excited to be a new person who has a life full of water, air, weather, colors, music, people, and love (my favorite things) .

Now it's getting closer to my bedtime... Nerdily I will concede to the terribly unlate hour and head to my room.