Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.

The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.

Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)

I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good

This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.

I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!

Not the family kind.

The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH

ANTS!

ANTS! GRRR!!!

I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*

IF I believed in curses........









one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....

he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.

Pilltime=bedtime!

I've been taking birth control lately, not for the usual thing, but to calm down my complexion, and also in preparation for possible acutain or a version of that. (It's such a strong drug that United states... government, I think? requires two methods of birth control in order to avoid issues with abortions and fatal birth defects. blehg.)

Anyway, it's really important that you take the pill everyday, or there's a mess. Basically there's no point in using the pill if you don't take it everyday because you forget to, you have to find a different method.

So, it's absolutely required.

Now, this is a really abstract connection, but I love to make abstract connections.

I need to think of going to bed like taking pills. This is simple, I can make this a life habit!

Go to bed always, no matter what, just like you take your pills when your phone brriiiiinnggs. Make an alarm for sleeptime too, and just go to bed. Enjoy the time, you won't get it later. I won't make room for those kinds of oversights, and I don't need to.

(I have amazing ability to go, "aw later" which is absolutely psycho in other people's minds... I'm still up and it's six AM, for NO reason, I didn't go out dancing, I am dead tired, but I just didn't want to sleep.)

So, yeah. what I said above, in pink!

Viaetassi

Taking a shower is just like going to bed. Eventually, you have to get out of the shower. So also, eventually, you have to sleep.

Haha. For some reason, I loathe going to sleep and waking up! AND going to work! And just starting things I don't like, I suppose!

But NO! This is where I should be thinking... "I must accept my fate." 

I can ALSO use my  i m a g i n a t i o n . . .  like, instead of me going to work by car, it's me-- going to work on a train to Viaetassi, through the blue physi-barrier that separates dimension Z232 from the mainland, A5. (In the early hours of the morning, sadly enough.) When I arrive at the palace of Viaetassi, I take the elevator in the center wing to the high court's private quarters, which are located in the upper stories of the tower. My job as a lady-in-waiting is to provide service, care, and to otherwise wait on the elderly duchesses and royal ladies of Viaetassi's high court. I love it! Of course, I get tired more than not, but it's probably just because I'm just not used to this job as a "regular" thing. But I'm good at my job, and I'm on-time and sparklingly helpful and delightful at all times. Energy, energy, energy! I will be doing my best every day!