On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

I don't know.

One thing I KNOW is that I CAN be great. I HAVE lots of talent. But I also know that talent isn't what will make me successful, no matter how much I have. So, even though it seems logical to be suspicious that I don't have enough talent to make money in piano, that's really not something I should think about if I know what I want and wish for. Even though it doesn't matter as much as I think it does, I don't actually know how talented and super duper my piano skills are. I don't know how much money I can make. I don't know if I can compete with the world of piano. I don't know if I'm too old. I don't know how I look. I don't know how much Dr. Merlin respected me, or how much anyone else did or does. I don't know if I'm capable of having enough determination, business sense, energy, time management, and focus, to succeed in doing ANYTHING about piano.

Put simply, I don't have answers. But that doesn't mean I should hesitate for lack of them! I don't know what can, could, or will happen.

But these questions do bug me a lot. That's why they distract me so much into hesitation. But so what, oh well, big deal.

Here's what I am going to do-- since I have no other ideas, no sure answers, and no rock-solid prophecies to tell me what decision to make next--

Set small stars (my word for goals) only. Do not forget them and move on until they're finished!

And by applying this to my piano adoration and problem :), I get this. I'm going to be an accompanist. (AKA collaborative pianist.) I can be one in Japan, and in the metro near where I live, and my own city. It's a job that can make lots of money if you do it right. And I'm already in a bad position right now. It can't be worse than this, and to top it off I usually do better than my goals anyway. So if I set this small goal, at least I can get there, instead of hesitating. But don't tell me I said that!

I'm going to be a "lowly" accompanist. If that's what I do for the rest of my life, FREAKING A THAT'S AWESOME! What's wrong with having an easy job? Plenty of things, maybe-- but at least I will put my all into doing it well and I'll be doing something that many other people wouldn't want to do. Each career and work you can do in the world is unique. I won't belittle myself by putting down my tinier goals.

No more. Be happy, Cara. Don't be a silly girl, now. Don't be afraid. Step up and do your best!

...now I'm going to look up what an accompanist gets paid so I know what to charge. it looks like I'll find out about all of an accompanist's responsibilities this way, also...

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. (Joshua 1:7) Biblos.com link

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

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[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
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ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Simple Reasons! My Goals Now.

K, I talked with my Dad again tonight. It's something that bugs me, that he doesn't pay attention to my feelings, and it also bugs me that I can't stop arguing with him; that I don't listen to him either. I wrote up a long letter to him about various things I want to protest.

But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.

See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.

I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.


I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.


So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".

Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.

I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.

I am soooo...

Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.

TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.

1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!

2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).

3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750

that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 =  6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]

K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school. 
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job

Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe

Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.

I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.

4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)

Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.

! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.

5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)

Decision making and control, Studying.

Study in a better place. If I didn't have any motivation, where would the best place to study be? A quiet place, clean and organized so I can focus, with only the item I'm working on and the tools I need to do it with me.

Sometimes I sabotage myself by not studying in a productive place, thinking that if I'm wanting to study, nothing can stop me, but in truth I might be making it harder for myself by studying, for example, in bed. Haha... I don't have what many call "common sense". :)

Today when I made a to-do list, it lost its simplicity and became filled with chores, so I didn't look at it even once, I knew what awaited me!

Scary. So I will NOT be writing a complicated list again. :) I have to remember... the whole point of these lists was to remind me of what I had to do; the other unwritten activities are for me to decide as I go. This will help me with decision making! I have problems with decision making-- like-- like I'm not even going to get into it. But if there was a disorder about not being able to make decisions, I would be heading towards a complete diagnosis, plus all the side-effects along with it! Haha it's so not funny... no... it is, I think. :p

As an extension of my decision-making difficulties, I'd like to suggest that it'd help me to be OUT of control sometimes, as in, NOT "have it all together" once in a while. Actually, more often than not. See, if I stay in control of things, I'm not faced with immediate decisions, because I've already set up everything; I've got a plan laid out, and I don't have to worry about details.

But I'd like to get used to deciding things right when they happen. Things that scare me or mess up my schedule or plan for myself are irritating-- how is that good? Is that to say I'm a routine, planner-type person? But I'm totally not! At least I didn't used to be. It's like I changed the way I did things, my free-spirited habits, somewhere along the way, and I don't know how it happened, but it's debilitating.

I want to be able to change my mind once I've made a decision instead of sticking to a the wrong path like a stupid blockhead.

Learn how to make last-minute decisions - get used to making them, listening, focusing on new things, immediately (i.e. the moment is now).

It's like hearing rhythm in your head-- a dancing melody that continues as you go, so as you do, it just keeps coming-- LIFE, I MEAN--
♥

Limits Zero.

I went to bed late last night, and then I got up around 11:00, so that's okay. It was a boring day! I didn't work out at all... and ate LOADS of chocolate all day.

*sigh*

Tomorrow, I shall run and everything....

Something I've learned about myself, though, is that when I set limits for myself, it goes badly. When I say limits I mean "planning" ahead, such as, "today I'm going to clean my room and dust the house and practice five hours of piano". See, when I set it all up like that, I get bored with the "plan" and change it almost as soon as I start it. Then I feel like I'm doing something terrible, changing my plans to do something else! So I feel bad about not keeping "self-control" or following my own orders (silly, since I'm the one in charge) and I lose motivation to do a good job in whatever I'm doing.

But really, it's not the limits that  are the problem, it's that I THINK of them as limits! If I stopped criticizing myself inwardly, I would be able to accomplish whatever I decide to do, at whatever time. It's fine if I make a list on paper or in my head for the essentials, and it's good if I leave options for myself, but ultimately I must conclude that whatever I decide at whatever time fine. I can trust in my decision, in my performances, my voice, my music, my advice, my feet.

I don't trust myself enough... that's it. And here we are again... should I force myself to have confidence? But when I think of it the way I've just explained, it actually does make sense. It will work!

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

So... if I was giving myself self-counseling, instead of going to someone, which is my preference :) here's what I would tell myself. I'm writing these things because they're essential to my getting a life, and if I remembered them I think it would solve everything.

1. I have anxiety, and once it starts, I don't know how to stop it, and so it gets worse.
2. I get anxious when I am afraid and I can't face something-- usually a decision that I'm afraid to make-- and so I avoid it. I'm very good at avoiding things, but when I do that, I am often literally acting like a child. First, I might hide from the problem (under my bed, in closets, or by sleeping or entertaining myself with a book or anime) or I might make stupid arguments, and get defensive when it's really my fault and I don't need to make excuses, I need to take action.

Something else interesting: I realized the other day. When someone is hiding from a decision (to take action) with bad habits and/or addictions, it doesn't mean that they're not strong enough or they don't "want" to meet their goals "badly enough". It's just that avoiding a decision is a completely different thing than saying YES or NO. It is in-between, and that in itself is what makes it so easy. You're not giving up-- you're pressing pause on the problem. So you can effectively forget about the problem without feeling guilty because you're still "planning" on taking care of it later.

I'm not weak for avoiding the problem, I'm not even thinking about the problem-- I'm not even trying. Sure, I might be weak initially because I was afraid, but that's a smaller weakness than a weakness that would mean I'm not strong enough to make a future for myself. If I give it my best, and truly try, and THEN I don't make it, THAT'S when I'm not strong enough.

Maybe I'm a little afraid to go there... to really try. But "trying" is a scary word because it encompasses the starting, the journey, and the end result-- I'm looking at the picture in too much of a general, large way. I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

SUCCESS AGAIN!

I did it. I made it to class, and I was LATE AND I EVEN WENT IN.

I NEVER go into class anymore even if I'm one minute late. Of course that sounds ridiculous, probably, but I'm very obsessive-- not about being early-- but that if I'm late I am too scared to go in. I hate that part where you open the door with a loud click, everyone's face turns towards you, and they regard you... thinking one thing or another, and the teacher glances at you ***uuugh shuudder***

Anyway, so I went in even though I was late. The teacher is totally nice and was like, "Hi Cara" in this sort of side-ways way.

Okay, it helped that I stood outside the door in pain a minute, which was long enough for anohter late person to join me. The door was locked, we knocked, and the professor let us in.

*WHEW* !!! Next time, I HAVE to go in even if I'm by myself.

;)

The class content was, for once, something I listened to closely,(good because it was very essential info) and I feel prepared to start my homework. There is a lot, though, so I have to be careful that I pick what to do, priority-wise.

Success, Yesterday! Today?

I went to school yesterday!!! Now this is going to be JUST as hard: go to school today. My class is different, with a different teacher, so I have to do it all over again.

NOW I'm going to go to class today. That means I have to shower really quickly right now and get in the car without doodling and doddle-ing and hesitating. Here I go!

ps. Heisig is confusing me. Report: I'm in ch. 8! :)

Okay, here's the situation. I didn't withdraw from my theory classes. I should have, either that, or made sure with the teachers that I could get a good grade. So now I have to get a good grade, or withdraw and get a W (for withdraw, which almost as bad as an F) on my transcript.

So I'm going to do my best. And I'm scared. That's the whole reason I haven't done well so far on my classes-- I get scared and avoid the problem... and don't do anything.. which of course IS the problem, but I just don't think about it and therefore my avoidance of my fear is really just me avoiding my... avoidance? Like, it's all my fault? :) hahahaha... ugh.

So, I'm going to start doing my homework. I'm going to do my homework like I do my Japanese. I enjoy Japanese, and I do it because I want to learn it. I feel the EXACT same way about music, but I've been avoiding it lately because I don't like being required to study, when really I'm not required, so that doesn't even matter. So I just have to start my music homework like I do with Japanese, and no matter how long it takes me, I'll keep trying.

I'm writing this entire post just to clarify one thing, and I got carried away and typed all that first. Here's the thing I want to clarify: I'M GOING TO CLASS TODAY. I mean, I WILL GO TO CLASS. I'm writing it down so that even if I don't finish my homework, I will go anyway. Because this is such a waste of time, not going to class, and if I go, it will be 100 times easier to clear up the problem. If I don't go, you can hire an assassin and threaten me with him.