God being supportive

It seems a little scary to admit this but... I have to express how happy it makes me!

I've been in some pretty bad places in life. Not compared to some people, but emotionally, I have. I guess I don't have to compare myself to others to explain this. I shouldn't do that... anyway.

I've been homeless, I've hated myself (still do often), I have been alone in the world, with only my two feet to stand on. It was something like rock-bottom. Everything I have today-- my apartment, my husband, my job, is based on experiences I have gained since that rock-bottom place, it feels like. I suppose there were good things /before/ rock bottom that helped shape me, too. (Like childhood and sweet parents.)

But I just feel like God has gotten me here. Like everything I did was just minuscule or nothingness compared to what he can do  (and did) for me. I feel like David in the Psalms when he talks about being lifted up, and where his enemies are smote by the Lord's hand, and how God solves his problems for him. (I sometimes feel sorry for his enemies. But I think the point is that God solved his problems, and that those enemies could potentially symbolize issues, not necessarily people. But yes, sometimes people.)

It was like that for me. I feel completely supported by God. It feels so good to admit that everything I have is his. That he got me here, and not me. 

You know why? 'Cuz if *I* got me here, then I have a lot of work to do to get farther. And that's exhausting to even think about! This was hard enough, just riding on God's coat tails. It was difficult staying on the sled he was driving, hurtling us down the mountain, and without crashing into any trees, too. And now I'm supposed to walk myself all up that mountain so I can do it all by myself, again? No, sir! I would prefer to get a lift from the creator of the universe, thanks tho... He's the best driver, too.

This isn't self-depreciation like it might sound. It's such a relief to keep this in mind. That it's not up to me. And I don't even have to know where I'm going. 

*Whew.*

*Goes back to taking it one day at a time*

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Electronic Mail to my Employment Advocate

Hi Raul! I have great news. My shifts at the Sky Cupcake & Coffee didn't work out for me. I suppose I need more experience in customer service. However, I applied with Skyway Telemarketers, and am working 30 hours a week with them!

When I saw the e-mail from you, I went and visited them on Wednesday. Even though it was after 2:30, I happened to catch the receptionist, and she set me up for an interview at nine the next day. Then on Friday I went back for training, and started work this Monday. Today is my second day, and I think I'm doing well! Along with my 30 hours there and my 8-20 hours at Starland's, I am working plenty, and it works well with my schedule and religious accommodation to have Saturdays off. Thanks for all your help!

I apologize for not making my e-mail more concise; I hope it helps that I bolded the main points. :)

If I ever want to apply to Skyway Foods in the future, because I happen to really like them, how best would I apply?

Also, can I come get my gift certificates when I'm not busy? I don't know when that will be, though. I don't leave myself much time to pause.

My last bit of good news is that I am no longer homeless and about to move into a very safe room in a shared house, inexpensively rented to me, and near one of the Ascadia Community College campuses so I can get education in the future.

Thanks,

~ Cara Lowing, Full-time Employed Worker!

Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Life Goals and Priorities

Alrighty. So, I'm been waiting, and procrastinating a lot, for about a year. I think I want to stop doing that. Procrastination is like giving up in the moment, while promising yourself that you'll do it "later" but "later" doesn't really mean anything. So procrastination is just giving up, since you can't say that you really WILL do the thing you need to do, ever, until you actually do it.

Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.

1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.

2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often

3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day

4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.

5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance

Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!

I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.

Simple Reasons! My Goals Now.

K, I talked with my Dad again tonight. It's something that bugs me, that he doesn't pay attention to my feelings, and it also bugs me that I can't stop arguing with him; that I don't listen to him either. I wrote up a long letter to him about various things I want to protest.

But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.

See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.

I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.


I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.


So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".

Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.

I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.

I am soooo...

Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.

TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.

1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!

2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).

3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750

that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 =  6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]

K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school. 
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job

Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe

Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.

I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.

4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)

Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.

! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.

5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)

I'M NOT LISTENING!

I was talking to Allison today, and I got teary afterward. I felt like hiding, and crying (which I did) and I found out that the spot between my couch and my bed is a lot easier to fall into than to pull myself out of.

I wish Allison could listen to me ramble on about dumb things without judging me. I used to get sick of my friend Lucie (at least when I would talk to her in high school) who would complain about people at church (and school, one in the same where I attended) who were judgemental. Well, I guess sometimes it's worth complaining about.

When I was explaining my job searching discoveries and activities, it was hard to explain them because it felt like she was forming her own negative opinions about my ideas. I know, I KNOW I'm too sensitive to these things, but regardless, it's a little rude to form negative opinions about something just because you don't know about it. When I say "you don't know about it" I'm not spouting nonsense. I have a totally different personality from someone else I might meet on the street or of my friends and family. I react to things differently, I have different life skills, weaknesses and strengths. Of course, it's different to form an opinion if you've tried something, but even then, it's not necessarily your business, right?

I can see what you're thinking. But don't put out expectations for me. Do that, and I'm limited when I think through your eyes. My only choice now is to ignore you, and I know that's not what you wanted.

Then she asked me a question like this: "So, what's your ultimate goal." (It really was more like a statement than a question.) My heart felt like it was being dipped in morning lake water. I answered well as I could, explaining that I'd rather focus on just getting a job first, but I felt like crying right then, so I also added stupidly that I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else, and only myself.

I'm hoping these experiences will just hurry up and mature my sensitivity and under-confidence. I realize that's why I feel like this.

Judgemental people are really TRYING to help, or put their good advice out there. But in another way, it's just sickening. You can't know simply from listening to me what the rest of my life is going to be like. You don't understand my feelings or my reasons for living. You're way older than me, how do you know what I'm capable of in this new day? Youth is power. You should know that, being that you were young once. Wisdom and experience may also be powerful, but this is a time for me when I need to create my own wisdom through experiences.

I still don't think complaining about judgmental people is a very efficient use of time, since it is a form of holding a grudge, so you never have to stop, BUT. It is making me feel better now.

What works for OTHERS may not work for me. Not everything simple for somebody else is SIMPLE for me. But what someone else can't do, I might be able to. I WILL MAKE MY OWN PATH.

Ah- I'm forgetting something. I don't have to make my own path ALL by myself. You know all those Christian slogans (or whatever) about having a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus? Well, I want to know where they got that idea to make sure that's the best way to look at it-- but if it's true, and I think it is in most circumstances--

judgmental-ism means nothing! I don't have to worry about what somebody else thinks if I strongly disagree or it bothers me.

I just have to listen to the Creator of the world... I'm sure he has better ideas than anybody else.

I'm sure :)

About this one thing, at least!

I know my reaction is obviously an OVERreaction, and what I call being really emotional, but it is what felt, after all. I feel better now, but I can't help thinking how funny my head is. Or I should say heart since I'm talking about emotions here :) but really it's my personality makeup, ergo my head.

Well, that's about it. Haha-- right now, I'm playing my angry iTunes playlist, and The Used is screaming in my ears, "Not Listening!!! NOT LISTENING!!!! NOT LISTENING!!!!! " lol.

Talking with my Dad.

I'm going to write to God today. Usually I write to my readers, but I don't really know how many readers I have and who they are, so I'm pretty bad at being communicative in their direction. So instead, when you read this, you can observe a prayer-conversation-something or other to the person I think created the universe (and did it because he wanted people to love and talk to). 'Course God is listening all the time anyway, so I really write to you also.

Dear Jesus,

Well. I just came downstairs from talking with Daddy. I am super upset after that, mostly feeling bad about myself, and even though technically I don't need to feel pathetic or crushed, I still do.

My situation has changed since earlier, whenever that was, like this: I lost my job, which I really was okay with because I didn't like it, but I didn't have any ambition to get a new one right after. I was in school then, also. But you know? I didn't do very well! Even though I was studying theory, I didn't turn in all the assignments because I let myself get overwhelmed and didn't prepare, and so I got behind and then I was scared to try and fix it. Can you help me out next time? I will prepare myself to let you take away my fear. You can strengthen me, I don't have to do it all myself. I'm sorry for being so silly.

I'm actually in a different frame of mind now - I want a job.

A month ago, before September began, somebody would ask me about my job searching progress and I didn't want to talk about it because I couldn't even face it myself-- avoiding it inside my own mind. But slowly, as my dad's "Sept. 1" deadline passed, I became motivated to do it on my own, and I actually wanted a job. I thought about how much school would cost and how I actually had a desire to make money. I haven't felt this way in a year, and the feeling continues, not just a short-term thing. This feeling WILL continue until I get a new job. I am ready now. So I'm applying online right now, and after I go through the government jobs available and any other options online, I'm going to look in the shopping center near my house. So I do have concrete plans. (I have to convince myself of this :)

I think Daddy knows I'm in a different frame of mind now, that I'm trying harder, more seriously. But he's still impatient. His impatience weighs on me. He has a very powerful worry muscle. I don't need his worry, because in the end it works against me.

Anyway, so that's what's new.

I get surprised that Daddy can make me so upset by telling me, "Cara, you need to learn to support yourself, before you do anything else."(He means I shouldn't be focusing on studying Japanese before I can support myself.)

(And some other stuff piled on ends up making me not cry, not just this sentence.)

"Well Daddy, that's like me telling you that I don't want to take care of you when you're old, so you had better be saving up for retirement. I mean, you WANT to do that already, don't you? I don't need to tell you that!"

(I'm trying to communicate that I WANT to support myself just as much as he wants me to support myself, but I might not have explained it well.)

I think this writing helps me, if anything else, to give myself some backbone, like a little support, made of my own opinion, so I know what I think, and other people's questions and ideas don't push me over. I am easily swayed, so I need to know what I think before they give me tons of ideas.

I'd like it if my dad recognized that I have good ideas if he would just let me "water" them. But he doesn't trust me. He sent me to an expensive private (religious) college that I loved, but I took random classes without direction and without focused studying for three years, resulting in mostly bad grades because I simply wasn't decisive and motivated. I wasted under ninety thousand dollars on that. I mean, a lot of the classes are OK and good for my generals. But Daddy brings this fact up and worries about it when he's trying to explain that I need to support myself, get a job, etc etc.

He's RIGHT! and I KNOW that. But it's been more than a year, and he's still worrying about it. I want him to acknowledge me now. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him like he's my employer or teacher. He needs to believe in me because I have his genes and I'm intelligent and capable. But like I said, he lost trust in me. So really, I may be asking something very difficult or quite impossible of him.

My parents' opinions matter to me. I don't have tons of friends, and the opinions of the ones I have don't matter to me as much as my parents' opinion. That's because my parents are like home base, my cornerstones. I just need a little bit of confidence. Their opinions affect my confidence so much.

But my dad overlooks this point because he wants me to acknowledge "Yes, I need to get a job. Yes, I will take your advice and choose a job/education in the healthcare field because it is reliable and it has a good market. Yes, I am hurrying to get a job as fast as I can."

I disagree with a lot of that statement. And besides, his ideas don't matter as much as mine; this is my life. Of course I should listen to his advice. But not if it eclipses an alternate future that I should also consider. I want him to listen and believe in me for a second. I feel like there's never a moment when he says, that's a good idea. I'm excited to see what you will do, Cara. And then trust me with my own future. Am I stupid? Am I retarted, and hopeless and directionless and passionless, so that you can't believe in me, even have a little bit of blind faith? That's what believing in someone is!!!! You don't have to have evidence of their capability.

I ask him to do that, and he says, "You don't need ME to believe in you--"

I don't remember what came after that. I suppose what I've done is destroy my Dad's faith-in-Cara ability. That isn't so good. I told him to believe in me while I was in college, and I continued to fail, and now he doesn't trust me... it makes sense.... but thinking about it this way only makes me depressed.

Anyway, I'm not sure and I'm confused. And massively irritated. There's nothing wrong with my ideas if I actually try them. It's terribly difficult to focus on anything after talking with him about these things. He worries so much, he worries for me, and then I feel less stress about the job-looking crap etc. and more about how pathetic I am.

Do you know how RIDICULOUS that is? Thinking I'm pathetic isn't going to help me get a job!!!

I'm serious. This is about my feelings. I get downstairs and try really hard not to cry and I can't do it! I cry anyway. I'm not able to control this. It's not something I'm doing on purpose. What I'm saying is, I feel awful and it's really hard to change it afterward! But blogging helps a LOT.

ANYWAY, HE'S REALLY JUST NOT HELPING!!!

I suppose that was all I was really trying to say.

So anyway, feeling pathetic. I've been so motivated lately. But now it's the opposite. So I won't that get me down. After a conversation like that with Daddy, eventually enough conversations and I'll become stronger.

I have to keep doing what I've been doing. In fact, the conversation probably helped me more than anything.

Blogging and reading what I've written helped me realize that this is a common situation many people find themselves in-- having ideas that their parents don't agree with; needing acceptance and not getting it.

I can succeed doing this my way IF I have confidence in myself. I may or may not obtain my Daddy's belief in me. Maybe I'll never have it again! I get the feeling he's going to always worry about me when I don't do things his way. But that won't make my life better. Even Daddy wants me to be happy over a decision he makes for me. It's only that he thinks his decisions will be better.

So basically, I need to be confident in myself, and pay attention to his (very good) advice at the same time. LOL I've come up with this one before! Passive stance.

Actually, I have a hard time keeping a level head around Mom and Teddy lately. I need to pull out of the fire before my voice gets loud, you know? No reason to get upset. My family is easy to figure out: they're stubborn. That means I can't convince them of anything; i.e. don't argue with them. Let them be.

God, please give me strength to stand up after crying, maybe even cry less and stand up more. Don't let me forget about you just because I succeed later on. Remind me that you're a part of me. Or all of me, and I am a part of you.

And thanks for letting me vent! I'll come and write to you again soon, remind me please?

To think about. To accomplish, soon.

When I start thinking about or go to get a job, I need to remember these things:

1) It is O.K.A.Y. to take a break. I don't have to be embarrassed, and wonder what other people think, that they're probably wondering what is up and judging and analyzing and all that. I need to do what I need to do, and I have done and will do the right thing-- for the most part, I must think this way, not that it's correct, but that I can't get anywhere without this confidence.I took this break for my own good and it was VALUABLE.

2) come to terms with how I feel about my failures, my successes-- all that's in my past-- and my self. Write about how I feel, and why the negative things aren't true.

3) compare my life to anime, and imagine (realize :) that I am part of a story-- that will always make me feel better.

4) I am capable of many things; so choose a job to go after that I know I, Cara, can handle-- even more-- it should be a job I can do better than others.

5) when I start working, do one thing at a time. Doing a good job and maintaining relaxation and progress at home will be my first priority, next, come other things, like weight loss, and Japanese study, which I must carefully do one at a time, since weight loss really can take your whole day, so one at a time.

6) and so... make a list of jobs that I can do, that I like, that I'm really good at, and that will make money and not interfere with my home life and progress in a bad way.

7) just like with the anime imagination idea, remember that I'm doing this to fulfill my role of responsibility-- thinking of it this way reminds me that I am capable of holding a job and that I don't have to think otherwise.

8) don't sit back and plan it all. plan it with a goal of actually doing it, then actually do it. I have the ability to see it through, not just plan on seeing it through. I have to continue this quest until it's finished, and then it's on to new things: getting good at my job, then using the entire experience to progress in life, reaching my goals and all the things I need to do along with it.


9) watch out for waiting. Don't wait on getting a job when you should be doing. Start recognizing when I'm using excuses to avoid getting this job and making money for school.

10) think of my future as I do all this. look at the big picture; when you do that, you'll realize how silly it is to be self-conscious. This isn't all about my problems, this is about me. There is a huge difference.

Today... Let me See....

I woke up late after being exhausted from yesterday's workout! Eleven hours of sleep, I think. So I skipped exercising today, and I also ended up skipping piano.

I am NOT a multi-tasker! Not naturally, anyway... :-[

But I DID study 29 kanji. I'm about to review them next :)

And when I was busily studying away, perhaps a little too busily in that I was ignoring the people around me, my mom and me got in an "argument" or whatever one would call something like that.

(I use words relating to "argument" so much that I just get sick of any similar words, but I don't know what else to use...)

ARGUMENT.

Mom was telling me things she understands about our family - why my brother does things he does, why Alice does things she does. Mom was explaining her opinion on what should be done about the negative things. (Teddy teasing a female friend and hurting her feelings, Alice... ☺ not emptying her trash because she doesn't want to waste trashbags, and cooking smelly meat in our vegetarian house.) I didn't like some of the words Mom used - calling Teddy "clueless" or the conversation about Alice when she might be able to hear us. I shouldn't have bothered Mom when her words are her own choice, but I interrupted anyway.

My mom is very inspired, she could be a psychologist or a writer with her interest in people and intuitive, confident sense into the situation they're in.

But I sometimes get tired of all this analysis. Sometimes I want to plug my ears at the endless flow of ideas and reasonings my mother comes up with. Even more so a problem is that I find myself defending these people my mom talks about when she was never criticizing them in the first place. I suppose, deep inside, that I consider analysis criticism in itself.

My defense of Mom's subjects upsets her - she doesn't think of them as subjects. To her, what's she's doing is problem-solving. She tends to get involved in other people's lives, and doesn't give up. It's a form of helping others, this problem-solving. And she's not a bystander - when given the chance, she helps others at all possible times - grocery carrying, bills, money for music lessons, a hug, words of appreciation and encouragement, conversation - she does, literally, everything she can.

So this evening when I defended the people she was speaking of, she was hurt. She needed me to listen to her, and I ended up scolding her for her "gossiping" and "unkind words" - things she never did.

I tried to apologize after I thought of it this way, but it was too late. She left the house to buy milk in tears, feeling that she should have spoken her thoughts aloud, saying that I can't understand adult conversation and she needs an adult to talk to. Door SLAM!!

The idea of me not being an adult is inappropriate, since I am an adult and she could instead say something like 1) she shouldn't talk about something I want to stop talking about OR 2) she should keep her thoughts to herself.

But either way, I tried to force my apology on her. I don't know if she just wasn't able to forgive me, maybe because she needed to stay mad for her own sanity, or because I shouldn't have forced it... probably both. I'll have to remember to apologize not at that moment but waaay after the end of the fight. Just because our brains work fast (mom and me) doesn't mean accepting an apology is a fast process! :)

Here's what I recorded on my phone immediately after our argument, when I realized I was in the wrong and should have been listening to her instead of scolding:

"We say things to each other that bothers the other person, and I say, well how am I supposed to communicate that to you without actually saying it? Why can't you just let me say what I want, am I not allowed to speak?" But you should find a better way to do it-- speak while checking what you're saying from their perspective. Don't just say, "Oh, I needed to talk, to explain how I feel--" because if it doesn't get through to them, it's pointless to explain any of that, and they WILL misunderstand you and possibly get mad or hurt. No matter what the situation is, you have to find a way to effectively communicate to them what you want to say, or you may as well keep quiet.

But if you're just trying to vent, which is a different thing, then the other person needs to listen for that. But if it has to do with something that involves the other person, you can't just vent and say whatever you want because it involves them personally. BUT, when you're on the listening/receiving side of the talking, and it doesn't involve you, don't get mad about it, it's not your job."

That last part, where it says the person on the receiving side shouldn't get mad, was me. I was getting upset with my mom about something that I shouldn't have worried about, she wasn't talking about me. I mean, mostly she didn't. Sometimes she's not always sensitive to me, but it's okay, there's always going to be a few wrinkles in relating to other people.

Some other stuff I thought about today:

While watching Synchronicity, (click for youtube vid) - "Look at everyone like they can be characters of their own story, poor, rich, all essential-- not to a part in a story, but to another whole world in which they are the main character-- the hero." 

From yesterday, that I forgot to write: "Get a job to be responsible, this is a role I know I can fill, so there's not reason not to approach it with confidence."

What's on the receipt?

Ahhh, I'm quite TIRED!!
I ran outside again today, just around the house, but at least a mile without stopping. I am really weak and pathetic, so that is a lot for me! Hopefully I will lose weight soon. I think I might be gaining, because of easter candy and me... not... restricting myself!

Don't think about it, Cara.

I just looked at my closet.

But I don't want any chocolate or candy, I'm full. I ate, and I can go get more food, like CARROTS, when I'm hungry.

Okay! Okay.

I also played DDR, and did fifteen kanji! Tomorrow I plan on practicing piano longer than an hour.

Piano is so much fun lately. I only recently found out that a person can find sheet music, like for voice or piano, online. Sheet music for vocaloid songs! Sheet music for anime openings!

IT'S AMAZING. I have a beautiful piano piece for Kuroshitsuji, a very difficult vocaloid piece called "Dolls", and the opening music for Romeo X Juliet the anime! (You raise me up.) Those are the ones I'm working on right now, but I found about thirty others. It's crazy fun, and it's gotten me to practice my classical piano music more, too.

Mom and Teddy and Nate went to Red Robin today and stuffed ourselves with gardenburgers, among other things. The ice cream was good! But I also thought of something while I was there.

Since I don't get out much.... Um... anyway, since I don't, it always makes me happy when I go places with other people. It makes me want to have a life, you know, like a job in a busy place, where I'm part of the system, like, something in the city would be nice. I especially like nice aesthetics, but that is hard to come by, so it's just a wish.

I was thinking to myself-- when I go to look for a job, I shouldn't be all self-doubting and feel like I don't deserve a job because I won't be good at it or like it's going to be hard, blah blah blah. I should just imagine the happy part-- like what I can see from this end of it, when I was eating out with my family. I should think of it as a fun thing, a new part of life that will become good and enjoyable. That's why I should make sure to get a job that actually WILL be fun, and not just take the first one I see ♥

Boring Update

This is just a boring blog entry, because nothing new has happened and I am not doing anything different or interesting.

I guess I'm a little down, because I am working toward fixing my life but it happens so slooowwwly.... :)

I woke up around five this morning for work. After some confusion between me and the nurse-person on the phone, I went to work. It was hard though, because I had to jump my car. I'd left the lights on.... :) (My mom and I were yelling at each other and trying to get the car to move backwards so the cables could reach and I was upset because I was so late, so my tears were leaking out of my eyes and then we were yelling more... it was a mess!)

Pervert guy: There is a guy at work who is rude and makes weird, vulgar, sexual remarks or likes to talk about IT all the time. Not all the time. But he's just one of those guys with IT on his mind. I have a hard time with it because when it comes up, I forget to tell him to shut up. I'm not good with that, because I'm neither aggressive nor defensive. I just pretend he doesn't say anything, or say something contradictory, but I don't actually look at his face and say, "quit talking about that." I doubt he treats the other females in the workplace like this, or they wouldn't speak to him and would call him a creep behind his back. But they don't. So I need to tell him to stop it so he doesn't think my silence is an admission-- I just forget in the moment.

It's so annoying. Initially after the fact, I want to yell at him, "What is your problem? Shut the hell up! Do you think I'm the sort of person who wants to talk about stuff like this?" And then I say to myself... no, I can't say mean things back to him, or I'm being rude just like I don't want him to be to me. So I have to tell him politely. He is the kind of guy who will listen, I just haven't done a good job in speaking up so far.

For sheltered, innocent little 'ol me, it's educational... I guess... I have never met anyone in real life who's such a pervert (except in this, like, passive, secretive way!) until this guy. Oh well, he says he's trying to change... but that's going to require quite an overhaul! *Sigh*

Job search: Tomorrow I am hoping I can have the courage to go and look for a better job. I need one that is full time, and I could work at the hospital, doing something... anything.... Apparently there are some openings right this minute, so it's very important that I go ASAP and not later. I really want to do it.

Haha... I just don't trust myself.... But I realized today, I've lost so much confidence, when really, it's not necessary for me to feel bad about myself at all.... I really CAN do this.

I want to learn Japanese and go and live there for a bit. Why not? I can go through a mission program with my SDA school/university first, so it won't be such a scary experience-- I'll have people around me who understand my way of living, while I still get to experience using the language. Then I can try out for the JET program, or perhaps working as a music teacher. So right now I need to finish that degree. :) Oh, and get that job on the side. Yay!

By George, I Think She's Got It!

Life is something where you go to work or school every day. It's just how it is, it's not something I'm going to avoid. Thinking that I don't need to is only temporary-- eventually, I have to accept that working is important, and I have to get out there and get a job. However, it's important that I keep looking until I find one that is good for me: one that 1) I enjoy doing its activities 2) I can make friends there 3) pays enough money that it's worth doing. Okay, me! Get out there! :) I can't believe I didn't realize this before. I'm glad it seems so obvious now. I know I'm going to forget....

free for all. stop freaking. focus on now - breathe - dance - the music fades out - 
 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .life begins, and a new track comes on the radio -

Discovery

Yes. I was trying to change myself too much.

Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.

I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.

It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.

I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.

So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?

Finding!

No, no, no. I'm going to work, doing whatever working I CAN, this year. I am really not going to be able to get experience in the area I want, not as much as I should, and that's okay.

I'm indecisive like this because I really DO NOT like all these ideas!

I like stories, and music, and knowledge! So why don't I give up trying to find a "secure" job and actually work on these things I enjoy? Right now, I live with my parents. My life is secure. Right now is the time to get jobs that aren't perfect. I don't have to choose my career right now. I need to get out there and try out various things, instead of holding myself back because I'm scared or I think that I won't be applying for the "right" job that will "lead me" in the right direction. I just need to try something! It'll be fun!!!

Tomorrow if work doesn't call me:

look and prepare for looking at getting accompanist jobs, then GET one!

I have other options, too, but I really just need to learn how much money you make playing piano. However, my other options that look promising would be to apply to be a waitress, bank teller, or CNA. However, I'll have to wait those because I don't have a real schedule with the job I have now, so I don't know what hours I can work.

Wishing!?

I'm trying figure out what to do about job-searching.

It's a lot harder than I expected... and I'm not a very hard worker when I don't want to be. So it's a lot for me to learn.

My nursing assistant job that I have is nice and everything. But it's on-call, so it's hard to get another job, and yet, I'm not working much because it's an irregular schedule-- random. Another nursing assistant on-call job would work best at the moment, so I could juggle both. But I'm indecisive because I don't really like it.

I was looking online at Wells Fargo bank teller jobs. You don't need a lot of experience, and they train you. I've done some sales before. (Maybe I should do more of that.) I mean... I would really like talking on the phone with people. I could keep learning languages on the side, and then start to actually use them in my position in the bank. It could be a really good thing! But being able to speak a language is hard to do through solely independent study, so it would be a challenge....

Of course, it's hard because I'm always thinking it's okay to work on Sabbath when you're in a health profession, but with a position at a business, I'd want to say no to working on Sabbath. (Sabbath means Saturdays-- I'm SDA, so, as much as I can, I don't do anything but have fun with friends and family and relax on Saturdays.)

But it IS an idea. I'd get paid less, though, but working as a nursing assistant is boring to me. I don't feel like I'm learning anything, except how to be a better nurse, and that is a career I'd like to avoid. But then, I might end up choosing it...?

Okay, so... right now, I need to get more work. I think... I need to be a nursing assistant for at least a year. I can get another job later, whether it be at a bank or a waitress at a restaurant, but for now, I need to go out and get more work as a CNA.

I have to be BRAVE!! ;-) Hee hee.