dear Jesus,
Please help me to love you like I love other people.
When you want me to get focused,
please reach inside my brain and motivate me
to please you.
Fill me with your Holy Spirit
so I can get your work done.
Thank you.
Amen.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Friday, July 18, 2014
Game Sta---..... Not Yet.
I started a post a while ago and stopped for some reason and nobody got to read it.
I don't care, though, because it was mostly empty!
Now I'm going to add to it.
Basically, my blog needs improving. It's lacking in changes. Since I'm going to remodel my room, I should remodel here, too!
I am really bad at remodeling. The reason I say this is because I like to horde junk. What I mean by this is that I can't change things. To me, changes seem like a big deal, but other people probably wouildn't notice whatever is different.
For example, I have a hard time getting rid of clothes. Thus, when I got six large packing boxes sent to me (Wednesday, was it?) filled with my clothes from Atlantis, I (surprise!) didn't need any of the clothes! I really just need to get rid of some. Now everything is falling out of drawers, or the drawers won't close, and plus, I need a lot more hangers. And the little cubbies on the top of my closet are heavy and overflowing with random holey hot chocolate- stained pajama shorts and high-school t-shirts that used to be nice that have little holes by the belly button (from when I had to hold my pants up with a belt and the belt caught)....
Lately I catch my lacy dresses on drawer handles in the kitchen a lot, and tear holes in them. ARRRRG. It makes me really mad, mostly at the lacy dress.
I know what you're thinking. You're like, JUST GIVE AWAY THE OLD STUFF, CARA!
Thank you. That really helps. I'm glad you reminded me, because I was starting to go crazy knowing I needed to get rid of 50% of my clothing and yet I can't see any of the raggedy clothes under my nose as being get-rid-of-able.
But they are! I'm glad I have you here reading this so you could remind me of that. :)
Mmmmmm, KAY. There are a few things I need to make apparent to my self.
1. My blog is totally outdated.
Not, like, boring or old, but just... I haven't changed it for a while. I need to change it for a bit of inspiration. Sabbath (Saturday) or some other free day would be a good time to spend a while making it anew.
2. I need to learn Japanese... by using what I work with everyday. I need to type up and practice the kanji in アニメ that I watch, or even more, the words that I hear the most. Give myself a time limit for working on this project.
examples: ヤマトナデシコ七変化*
3. I'm going to make a schedule. Then I'll explain it to you, and talk about how I'm doing and accept scoldings when I don't go to bed on time. Hopefully I won't need scolding for not making it to work. (I am so ashamed I am late sometimes, but I've got to be positive and do my best!)
4. I have to start journaling about the medicines I take so that I have an understanding of how they affect me. I'll set up a separate page for it when it's not interesting and just factual, and update a small list there. And I can write about it in a post if there's a lot to talk about it.
I don't care, though, because it was mostly empty!
Now I'm going to add to it.
Basically, my blog needs improving. It's lacking in changes. Since I'm going to remodel my room, I should remodel here, too!
I am really bad at remodeling. The reason I say this is because I like to horde junk. What I mean by this is that I can't change things. To me, changes seem like a big deal, but other people probably wouildn't notice whatever is different.
For example, I have a hard time getting rid of clothes. Thus, when I got six large packing boxes sent to me (Wednesday, was it?) filled with my clothes from Atlantis, I (surprise!) didn't need any of the clothes! I really just need to get rid of some. Now everything is falling out of drawers, or the drawers won't close, and plus, I need a lot more hangers. And the little cubbies on the top of my closet are heavy and overflowing with random holey hot chocolate- stained pajama shorts and high-school t-shirts that used to be nice that have little holes by the belly button (from when I had to hold my pants up with a belt and the belt caught)....
Lately I catch my lacy dresses on drawer handles in the kitchen a lot, and tear holes in them. ARRRRG. It makes me really mad, mostly at the lacy dress.
I know what you're thinking. You're like, JUST GIVE AWAY THE OLD STUFF, CARA!
Thank you. That really helps. I'm glad you reminded me, because I was starting to go crazy knowing I needed to get rid of 50% of my clothing and yet I can't see any of the raggedy clothes under my nose as being get-rid-of-able.
But they are! I'm glad I have you here reading this so you could remind me of that. :)
Mmmmmm, KAY. There are a few things I need to make apparent to my self.
1. My blog is totally outdated.
Not, like, boring or old, but just... I haven't changed it for a while. I need to change it for a bit of inspiration. Sabbath (Saturday) or some other free day would be a good time to spend a while making it anew.
2. I need to learn Japanese... by using what I work with everyday. I need to type up and practice the kanji in アニメ that I watch, or even more, the words that I hear the most. Give myself a time limit for working on this project.
examples: ヤマトナデシコ七変化*
3. I'm going to make a schedule. Then I'll explain it to you, and talk about how I'm doing and accept scoldings when I don't go to bed on time. Hopefully I won't need scolding for not making it to work. (I am so ashamed I am late sometimes, but I've got to be positive and do my best!)
4. I have to start journaling about the medicines I take so that I have an understanding of how they affect me. I'll set up a separate page for it when it's not interesting and just factual, and update a small list there. And I can write about it in a post if there's a lot to talk about it.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Musings After the Party
Just kidding. It wasn't a party.
Thoughts I came up with that I need to journal about now:But Merrick teaches me to be so much more confident. I want to reflect those values right back at him. But I was thinking, what can I do to help him be more confident?
Or more what I'm trying to say is, to help him reach his true potential, and be the biggest, best-est person he's meant to be?
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
News!
It's really quite silly what I've been avoiding talking about.
Yesterday, I was trying to tell you, in my entry, is that I want to make sure, that in the future, that I continue to rise out of my rags. See, you can be middle-class. You can be upper-class. You can be low-class. But what happens when you settle for something? When you say, "Hey. this is good enough for me. I am satisfied with the way my life is."
To look at it negatively, that's limiting yourself. I mean, I don't want to be negative about it if you are truly happy and satisfied. But there is a difference between being satisfied with an accomplished goal and just having given up, and making yourself feel better by saying it's good enough.
Now, it's good to admit when something is enough. Maybe I put less emphasis than I should on the good things I've accomplished in life. But all I'm saying is that I mustn't do what I know I might do: and that is to get back to a place I'm comfortable with, where I have a place to live and a way to support myself, with something that someone else might find satisfactory, and tell myself that it's time to rest, or that it's enough, and forget what my true desires are. Supporting myself is already such a new horizon, I might just consider it good. But it's not! how can I forget what I truly want? Do I even know? If I come to a place where I'm happy, I mustn't stop there!
Ahead of me might be an untamed wild and a rising sun on a bright, colorful horizon. That doesn't mean the wild is the only place I'm going. There are ladders in the sky.
And if I stop to explore the wild, and allow myself to forget my wish to climb, I'll never get there. I'll never reach the true me. I have to head towards the first step of those cloud-steps and inch toward the diving board at the end of the walkway. If I want to fly, I need to visualize the possibility--and not settle for the ground. Maybe I'll even find a way to grow wings.
In case this doesn't make sense, I want to explain in more realistic terms. I'm saying that I'm living in temporary housing, a women's shelter. It's a bunch of beds in one giant room, and shared bathrooms, and government assistance, and a company of women who have recently quit drugs, been fired, lost their apartment, or are disabled. When you're in that position and you aren't used to it, you feel low. You may be motivated to make a change (I am) and you might even know how to do it without too much help from an advocate, unemployment services, or department of human services. In my case, that's how I feel, and it's how I'm doing. I have realized what to do to get back to my high-middle-class life. But I don't want to be middle class. I want to be a leader or to do something influential in the world.
So even though I know how to fix my problem and it's easy to jump up and take the steps I need to raise myself from the caverns underground to the higher subterranean levels, I am SAYING that I DON'T WANT TO STOP THERE.
Since I know how to level-up now, I should be able to apply the process again to raise myself higher than I've ever been.
It's a long shot, and one thing WILL be different than the other. Level one takes effort like I've never imagined.
So what will level two take?
But if I think of it as a game, can't I beat anything?
It helps that I just got a job offer today at Sky Cupcake and Coffee, at an Ascadia market, which I accepted. I have yet to learn about the district... I don't even know which district it's in, I just hopped the Crystal Tomorrow at 2 P.M., I will go through the hiring process. I will let you know how much richer I am tomorrow evening!
Yesterday, I was trying to tell you, in my entry, is that I want to make sure, that in the future, that I continue to rise out of my rags. See, you can be middle-class. You can be upper-class. You can be low-class. But what happens when you settle for something? When you say, "Hey. this is good enough for me. I am satisfied with the way my life is."
To look at it negatively, that's limiting yourself. I mean, I don't want to be negative about it if you are truly happy and satisfied. But there is a difference between being satisfied with an accomplished goal and just having given up, and making yourself feel better by saying it's good enough.
Now, it's good to admit when something is enough. Maybe I put less emphasis than I should on the good things I've accomplished in life. But all I'm saying is that I mustn't do what I know I might do: and that is to get back to a place I'm comfortable with, where I have a place to live and a way to support myself, with something that someone else might find satisfactory, and tell myself that it's time to rest, or that it's enough, and forget what my true desires are. Supporting myself is already such a new horizon, I might just consider it good. But it's not! how can I forget what I truly want? Do I even know? If I come to a place where I'm happy, I mustn't stop there!
Ahead of me might be an untamed wild and a rising sun on a bright, colorful horizon. That doesn't mean the wild is the only place I'm going. There are ladders in the sky.
And if I stop to explore the wild, and allow myself to forget my wish to climb, I'll never get there. I'll never reach the true me. I have to head towards the first step of those cloud-steps and inch toward the diving board at the end of the walkway. If I want to fly, I need to visualize the possibility--and not settle for the ground. Maybe I'll even find a way to grow wings.
In case this doesn't make sense, I want to explain in more realistic terms. I'm saying that I'm living in temporary housing, a women's shelter. It's a bunch of beds in one giant room, and shared bathrooms, and government assistance, and a company of women who have recently quit drugs, been fired, lost their apartment, or are disabled. When you're in that position and you aren't used to it, you feel low. You may be motivated to make a change (I am) and you might even know how to do it without too much help from an advocate, unemployment services, or department of human services. In my case, that's how I feel, and it's how I'm doing. I have realized what to do to get back to my high-middle-class life. But I don't want to be middle class. I want to be a leader or to do something influential in the world.
So even though I know how to fix my problem and it's easy to jump up and take the steps I need to raise myself from the caverns underground to the higher subterranean levels, I am SAYING that I DON'T WANT TO STOP THERE.
Since I know how to level-up now, I should be able to apply the process again to raise myself higher than I've ever been.
It's a long shot, and one thing WILL be different than the other. Level one takes effort like I've never imagined.
So what will level two take?
But if I think of it as a game, can't I beat anything?
It helps that I just got a job offer today at Sky Cupcake and Coffee, at an Ascadia market, which I accepted. I have yet to learn about the district... I don't even know which district it's in, I just hopped the Crystal Tomorrow at 2 P.M., I will go through the hiring process. I will let you know how much richer I am tomorrow evening!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.
The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.
Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)
I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good
This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.
I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!
Not the family kind.
The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH
ANTS!
ANTS! GRRR!!!
I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*
IF I believed in curses........
one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....
he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.
Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)
I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good
This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.
I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!
Not the family kind.
The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH
ANTS!
ANTS! GRRR!!!
I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*
IF I believed in curses........
one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....
he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.
So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?
I.
Listened.
EEEEK!
Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I
Did.
Not.
Cry.
I did not feel overly-pressured. I --
could.
handle.
it.
Without arguing.
Well, not too much. X)
Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.
Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.
After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.
LOL. Haha. Oh well.
We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.
So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.
The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided. Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".
I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.
I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !
And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).
And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.
One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.
I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.
Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).
Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.
No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?
Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!
クリスマス
Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"
Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.
And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋
I.
Listened.
EEEEK!
Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I
Did.
Not.
Cry.
I did not feel overly-pressured. I --
could.
handle.
it.
Without arguing.
Well, not too much. X)
Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.
Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.
After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.
LOL. Haha. Oh well.
We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.
So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.
The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided. Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".
I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.
I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !
And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).
And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.
One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.
I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.
Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).
Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.
No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?
Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!
クリスマス
Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"
Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.
And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋
Saturday, February 5, 2011
So... if I was giving myself self-counseling, instead of going to someone, which is my preference :) here's what I would tell myself. I'm writing these things because they're essential to my getting a life, and if I remembered them I think it would solve everything.
1. I have anxiety, and once it starts, I don't know how to stop it, and so it gets worse.
2. I get anxious when I am afraid and I can't face something-- usually a decision that I'm afraid to make-- and so I avoid it. I'm very good at avoiding things, but when I do that, I am often literally acting like a child. First, I might hide from the problem (under my bed, in closets, or by sleeping or entertaining myself with a book or anime) or I might make stupid arguments, and get defensive when it's really my fault and I don't need to make excuses, I need to take action.
Something else interesting: I realized the other day. When someone is hiding from a decision (to take action) with bad habits and/or addictions, it doesn't mean that they're not strong enough or they don't "want" to meet their goals "badly enough". It's just that avoiding a decision is a completely different thing than saying YES or NO. It is in-between, and that in itself is what makes it so easy. You're not giving up-- you're pressing pause on the problem. So you can effectively forget about the problem without feeling guilty because you're still "planning" on taking care of it later.
I'm not weak for avoiding the problem, I'm not even thinking about the problem-- I'm not even trying. Sure, I might be weak initially because I was afraid, but that's a smaller weakness than a weakness that would mean I'm not strong enough to make a future for myself. If I give it my best, and truly try, and THEN I don't make it, THAT'S when I'm not strong enough.
Maybe I'm a little afraid to go there... to really try. But "trying" is a scary word because it encompasses the starting, the journey, and the end result-- I'm looking at the picture in too much of a general, large way. I need to look at just the steps.
So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....
When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.
1. I have anxiety, and once it starts, I don't know how to stop it, and so it gets worse.
2. I get anxious when I am afraid and I can't face something-- usually a decision that I'm afraid to make-- and so I avoid it. I'm very good at avoiding things, but when I do that, I am often literally acting like a child. First, I might hide from the problem (under my bed, in closets, or by sleeping or entertaining myself with a book or anime) or I might make stupid arguments, and get defensive when it's really my fault and I don't need to make excuses, I need to take action.
Something else interesting: I realized the other day. When someone is hiding from a decision (to take action) with bad habits and/or addictions, it doesn't mean that they're not strong enough or they don't "want" to meet their goals "badly enough". It's just that avoiding a decision is a completely different thing than saying YES or NO. It is in-between, and that in itself is what makes it so easy. You're not giving up-- you're pressing pause on the problem. So you can effectively forget about the problem without feeling guilty because you're still "planning" on taking care of it later.
I'm not weak for avoiding the problem, I'm not even thinking about the problem-- I'm not even trying. Sure, I might be weak initially because I was afraid, but that's a smaller weakness than a weakness that would mean I'm not strong enough to make a future for myself. If I give it my best, and truly try, and THEN I don't make it, THAT'S when I'm not strong enough.
Maybe I'm a little afraid to go there... to really try. But "trying" is a scary word because it encompasses the starting, the journey, and the end result-- I'm looking at the picture in too much of a general, large way. I need to look at just the steps.
So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....
I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
When.
I thought of something. When I'm letting myself get carried away by something that distracts me, I just have to remember: what do I really want? Was this what I was planning on, or am I allowing my decisions to get changed, and pretending that I'm the one that changed those decisions?
(when I say distractions-- I'm referring to something that you love so much, but ends up taking away from the normal, good things, like life, a steady job, family, time with friends... happiness... I mean anything you can get addicted to, like anime for me. I won't involve drugs as if I know what that feels like, but I'm supposing it's the same principle.)
Yes, I'm allowing that-- a decision to be swept under me, my feet flying, my back hitting the cement, and I just lie there, lifeless-- but I don't have to, I'm the master of my decisions. I don't have to allow myself to be swayed in thought and action, not in a place where I'm the one in charge, the queen.
What do I really want? Did I want this? Do I now? Don't ask WHY-- ask, WHEN will I change this?
When.
(when I say distractions-- I'm referring to something that you love so much, but ends up taking away from the normal, good things, like life, a steady job, family, time with friends... happiness... I mean anything you can get addicted to, like anime for me. I won't involve drugs as if I know what that feels like, but I'm supposing it's the same principle.)
Yes, I'm allowing that-- a decision to be swept under me, my feet flying, my back hitting the cement, and I just lie there, lifeless-- but I don't have to, I'm the master of my decisions. I don't have to allow myself to be swayed in thought and action, not in a place where I'm the one in charge, the queen.
What do I really want? Did I want this? Do I now? Don't ask WHY-- ask, WHEN will I change this?
When.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Hiding is Bad....
I HAVE AMAZING AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUES.
I don't mean amazing as in "good" or positive. I just mean that these techniques fizzle to ash any tasks I expect myself or others expect me to accomplish, by means of a mile-thick firewall of ultimate doom. They are stronghold, diamond-hard, an ever-spring deep-full of resources.
My avoidance techniques are simply unstoppable, if left unchecked, anyhow.
CARA! You avoid everything you are expecting yourself or someone else expects you to do. Instead of taking tasks by the hand and leading them to the finish line, you do something you are not afraid to approach-- something that doesn't matter if it goes unfinished-- an activity that goes without expectation.
You hide from expectations. When questions arise to when you will finish something (homework) if you will start something (dusting) if you will do this or that (job-search) you avoid those questions as if you'll die for giving an answer.
I watch anime. I watch movies. I play solitaire. I organize itunes. I learn Japanese characters. I sleep. I get myself distracted. I clean the bathroom before I do the mother-assigned task of kitchen cleanup. Now does that make any sense?
I do "important" tasks (cleaning my room, exercising to lose weight) before I do "urgent" tasks (studying for tomorrow's test, feeding the dog).
WHY am I afraid of expectations?!
I have to get into the habit of STARTING and then FINISHING things. But they also have to be the RIGHT things, not just any things.
This is a list.
PRIORITIES - DO THIS FIRST.
1. pray
2. bible tea/h2o
3. bath/wash/be clean
4. studies
~ sit down, write a list of the things you need to get done that day.
~ create and order, and detail this list by answering the question: "What is the most relevant and efficient way a perfect or as-good-as-possible grade?"
~ follow the list, try your best to finish it, and make sure not to spend a ridiculous amount of time so there isn't time for other priorities.
5. sleep
6. exercise, lose weight, keep room and house clean.
Last essential note. It's the point at the crossroads where I sit doing nothing, walking nowhere, in the middle of a split, that I have to choose the path of a task or the path of an avoidance. I almost never have chosen the task path when I expect or wish it of myself, and often if I have, I come running back for the avoidance path, 90% of the time. Do I want to fix this ridiculous habit? Yes. But.
There is no trick to this. It's simply putting one foot forward in front of the other.That's all there is to it. It's not "making yourself do it" so much as it is just doing it. There's no "making" or "motivation" because if you think about it you're pushing yourself from outside forces. It's simply a do or do not thing. It isn't something you have to try to do, it's just a choice. That's what I've been missing this whole time. I thought I was missing something, but the truth is, I wasn't missing anything. It's inside me, my brain, my heart, my hands.
I don't mean amazing as in "good" or positive. I just mean that these techniques fizzle to ash any tasks I expect myself or others expect me to accomplish, by means of a mile-thick firewall of ultimate doom. They are stronghold, diamond-hard, an ever-spring deep-full of resources.
My avoidance techniques are simply unstoppable, if left unchecked, anyhow.
CARA! You avoid everything you are expecting yourself or someone else expects you to do. Instead of taking tasks by the hand and leading them to the finish line, you do something you are not afraid to approach-- something that doesn't matter if it goes unfinished-- an activity that goes without expectation.
You hide from expectations. When questions arise to when you will finish something (homework) if you will start something (dusting) if you will do this or that (job-search) you avoid those questions as if you'll die for giving an answer.
I watch anime. I watch movies. I play solitaire. I organize itunes. I learn Japanese characters. I sleep. I get myself distracted. I clean the bathroom before I do the mother-assigned task of kitchen cleanup. Now does that make any sense?
I do "important" tasks (cleaning my room, exercising to lose weight) before I do "urgent" tasks (studying for tomorrow's test, feeding the dog).
WHY am I afraid of expectations?!
I have to get into the habit of STARTING and then FINISHING things. But they also have to be the RIGHT things, not just any things.
This is a list.
PRIORITIES - DO THIS FIRST.
1. pray
2. bible tea/h2o
3. bath/wash/be clean
4. studies
~ sit down, write a list of the things you need to get done that day.
~ create and order, and detail this list by answering the question: "What is the most relevant and efficient way a perfect or as-good-as-possible grade?"
~ follow the list, try your best to finish it, and make sure not to spend a ridiculous amount of time so there isn't time for other priorities.
5. sleep
6. exercise, lose weight, keep room and house clean.
Last essential note. It's the point at the crossroads where I sit doing nothing, walking nowhere, in the middle of a split, that I have to choose the path of a task or the path of an avoidance. I almost never have chosen the task path when I expect or wish it of myself, and often if I have, I come running back for the avoidance path, 90% of the time. Do I want to fix this ridiculous habit? Yes. But.
There is no trick to this. It's simply putting one foot forward in front of the other.That's all there is to it. It's not "making yourself do it" so much as it is just doing it. There's no "making" or "motivation" because if you think about it you're pushing yourself from outside forces. It's simply a do or do not thing. It isn't something you have to try to do, it's just a choice. That's what I've been missing this whole time. I thought I was missing something, but the truth is, I wasn't missing anything. It's inside me, my brain, my heart, my hands.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Like THAT!!!!
ooookay. inspirational time!
The best way to get something done effectively, truly, truly, efficiently I mean, is to make (or schedule) and follow the time. I don't follow time because I'm simply never doing anything. So it's easy to get behind when I need to do something and I never start. Basically I'm saying I have free time and some time to do work, but I put off work.
The solution???!!! Is to do the work at a certain time every day! To work within LIMITS!
Yup.
5-6: up, exercise, eat, dress.
8: pills
after 8 or before (ASAP): homework due, studies (school), independent studies, piano.
8: pills
9-10: bed/lights
like THAT.
The best way to get something done effectively, truly, truly, efficiently I mean, is to make (or schedule) and follow the time. I don't follow time because I'm simply never doing anything. So it's easy to get behind when I need to do something and I never start. Basically I'm saying I have free time and some time to do work, but I put off work.
The solution???!!! Is to do the work at a certain time every day! To work within LIMITS!
Yup.
5-6: up, exercise, eat, dress.
8: pills
after 8 or before (ASAP): homework due, studies (school), independent studies, piano.
8: pills
9-10: bed/lights
like THAT.
Goal Tomorrow...
Tomorrow, I want to do my homework BEFORE other things. I'm writing to hopefully ingrain this *important* idea a little bit better.
I started this post at like... 11pm or something... but now it's one! I was happy to be posting NOT in the middle of the night, but whatever. I don't know what else I was going to write anymore, so maybe later I'll write something more inspiring... blegh:)
I started this post at like... 11pm or something... but now it's one! I was happy to be posting NOT in the middle of the night, but whatever. I don't know what else I was going to write anymore, so maybe later I'll write something more inspiring... blegh:)
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Edit3
more things for studying improvement:
1. pick JUST ONE THING to focus on, and DO NOT imagine doing the other parts. Even tell yourself that you don't have to do any other parts.
2. start this process earlier.
I got 人間失格 in the mail today! (You say "Ningen Shikkaku" or "No Longer Human"). I didn't buy it from Japan, but that's where it came from, so it's ALL in Japanese. I'm not going to be able to read it thoroughly for at least a year, I'm pretty sure, but it's inspiration at least. I can also look at it and find kanji that I've learned already. It's quite a lot of fun when that happens.
1. pick JUST ONE THING to focus on, and DO NOT imagine doing the other parts. Even tell yourself that you don't have to do any other parts.
2. start this process earlier.
I got 人間失格 in the mail today! (You say "Ningen Shikkaku" or "No Longer Human"). I didn't buy it from Japan, but that's where it came from, so it's ALL in Japanese. I'm not going to be able to read it thoroughly for at least a year, I'm pretty sure, but it's inspiration at least. I can also look at it and find kanji that I've learned already. It's quite a lot of fun when that happens.
Trick me to do hmwk!
So, I've discovered even more details on how to get myself to study when I don't want to (I REALLY have trouble actually starting).
I guess, for me, that studying is easier when I start while doing something else. Like, I don't mind studying if I started while I was eating, because I feel like I'm doing something useful that I want to be doing, and by the time I've been working on homework for a while, I've already started and I have the need to finish. But sometimes I just don't want to start and I haven't been able to get over it until I thought of this way.
Also, right now I'm going to start while snacking and listening to music in my room, at my desk. But first, I'm going to put a rubber band on my chair leg, attaching a ribbon, then tie my leg to the chair in a bow. This will remind me not to leave until the homework is finished. If I do leave, I have to come back ASAP.
This will at least help me get some better habits that result in better grades. I may never cultivate a habit of studying regularly just to study, but if I can devise a sort of way to trick myself into doing it because I'm doing something else at the same time, it's a different things than just "studying regularly" but still accomplishes basically the same thing.
I guess, for me, that studying is easier when I start while doing something else. Like, I don't mind studying if I started while I was eating, because I feel like I'm doing something useful that I want to be doing, and by the time I've been working on homework for a while, I've already started and I have the need to finish. But sometimes I just don't want to start and I haven't been able to get over it until I thought of this way.
Also, right now I'm going to start while snacking and listening to music in my room, at my desk. But first, I'm going to put a rubber band on my chair leg, attaching a ribbon, then tie my leg to the chair in a bow. This will remind me not to leave until the homework is finished. If I do leave, I have to come back ASAP.
This will at least help me get some better habits that result in better grades. I may never cultivate a habit of studying regularly just to study, but if I can devise a sort of way to trick myself into doing it because I'm doing something else at the same time, it's a different things than just "studying regularly" but still accomplishes basically the same thing.
* ** * * * * * * * * ** * * *Bleeww Stars * ** * * * * * * * ** * * *
I'm slowly straightening my life out. My problems.. I guess... are not being able to finish any tasks, not having a good source of income, and not living in a scheduled sort of way.
I think what I need to do differently is to make sure that I finish the really obvious things first: that means my homework and getting enough sleep. Not having enough moolah hasn't killed me yet because I make enough to pay rent (but I do need a better job). So those things are things I will PRIORITIZE.
Also, it really HELPS!!! me to write down a broken-down list of one task (like cleaning my room) or in my head (for a homework assignment). After breaking those things down, I focus ONLY ONLY ONLY on one item, and when I finish that one, I can move on to the next one. If I get distracted, it's okay, and I can also take breaks, but I have to come BACK to that one item, not get distracted and move on to some other item or even another task.
This idea helps because my brain doesn't normally break things down and stay with the small broken-down parts, I just think, "Ohhh so much stuff. I'll go do something else... first... or maybe I'll just do this later, whenever that might be!! Maybe I'll wait until the end of the world... or sometime before or after--........"
I also know for a fact that I study better when I'm stuck somewhere or in a place without distractions, like (specifically) a car. So I'm going to try and make study spaces-- in my closet and under my bed, also my couch, and maybe elsewhere in the house if possible, and see what works.
Here are some things that I'm going to be doing and want to remember to do! (To simplify my life and get the stuff done that's necessary for succeeding in school and becoming confident.)
* rubberband a ribbon to my chair leg!
* clean out my closet-- table!
* keep working on task completion each day, one @ a time [piano, bible, japanese, exercise, homework, sleep]
* put pink-purple-white under desk!
throw away/give away=> rearrange
pc + couch + bed
bookcase ~ studying
* do hmwk + sleep 1st so I can say YES to work as a fulltime job. (if it doesn't become FT, look 4 something else, esp. something that I could lose weight doing OR is really easy, or the other.)
I'm slowly straightening my life out. My problems.. I guess... are not being able to finish any tasks, not having a good source of income, and not living in a scheduled sort of way.
I think what I need to do differently is to make sure that I finish the really obvious things first: that means my homework and getting enough sleep. Not having enough moolah hasn't killed me yet because I make enough to pay rent (but I do need a better job). So those things are things I will PRIORITIZE.
Also, it really HELPS!!! me to write down a broken-down list of one task (like cleaning my room) or in my head (for a homework assignment). After breaking those things down, I focus ONLY ONLY ONLY on one item, and when I finish that one, I can move on to the next one. If I get distracted, it's okay, and I can also take breaks, but I have to come BACK to that one item, not get distracted and move on to some other item or even another task.
This idea helps because my brain doesn't normally break things down and stay with the small broken-down parts, I just think, "Ohhh so much stuff. I'll go do something else... first... or maybe I'll just do this later, whenever that might be!! Maybe I'll wait until the end of the world... or sometime before or after--........"
I also know for a fact that I study better when I'm stuck somewhere or in a place without distractions, like (specifically) a car. So I'm going to try and make study spaces-- in my closet and under my bed, also my couch, and maybe elsewhere in the house if possible, and see what works.
Here are some things that I'm going to be doing and want to remember to do! (To simplify my life and get the stuff done that's necessary for succeeding in school and becoming confident.)
* rubberband a ribbon to my chair leg!
* clean out my closet-- table!
* keep working on task completion each day, one @ a time [piano, bible, japanese, exercise, homework, sleep]
* put pink-purple-white under desk!
throw away/give away=> rearrange
pc + couch + bed
bookcase ~ studying
* do hmwk + sleep 1st so I can say YES to work as a fulltime job. (if it doesn't become FT, look 4 something else, esp. something that I could lose weight doing OR is really easy, or the other.)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A change of family atmosphere!
アニメ Minus Subtitles: Listening
I've been watching random animes on the internet lately that don't have subtitles. Sometimes it helps me listen to the Japanese better, and I also don't have to be looking at the screen, because I won't be able to "listen" either better either way, so I can do something else at the same time. Like, right now, I'm playing a special from Harukanaru Toki no naka de. (There are a lot of "related" shows for that one, it's confusing!!!)
Anyway, I notice a lot of things when I listen instead of watch, or at least watch without subtitles. It's kind of fun!
Boundaries: I'm Extending Too Far?
Also while under the subject of "listening", I'll
My Mother's Feelings
Although I had felt that my actions were justifiable, I suppose that maybe that isn't the point. I need to try to help keep peace around the house, more than I need to get people to do what I want or allow me to do what I want. I don't have to have everything my way, I mean, see?
No matter what my someone, my mother especially, asks me to do, it isn't worth it for me to cause an argument. That doesn't matter, if I truly want to stay in the house and live with everyone, and as a part of the family. I'm not treating them like I'm a part of them, I'm acting like I don't care and they're not connected to me (as family).
I ALSO need to remember that I mustn't expect to be listened to. Sometimes mom doesn't listen to me, just like I don't listen to her. It's normal to want to be heard, and in that process, you end up speaking while NOT listening to the other person. And when the other person doesn't listen to what you're trying to say, you never stop to listen, and then each person will never be satisfied because they haven't been heard, so they won't stop to listen to the other... kind of like war... and so it never stops.
So when I'm blabbering on about how I feel, I have to stop and say to myself, "Don't expect to be listened to. Blabbering WILL make it worse. Listen first, and if the other person seems ready to listen, then speak." Mostly, in my family, I'm going to need to do a lot of listening, and not speaking. It's really okay, I've argued enough that I've caused a lot of discord and really stressed everybody out.
Actually, that's what my mom was trying to explain, so far as I can tell, this is what she meant:
Cara, you are using your "sense of independence" against me illogically. You aren't acting like part of the family (though she didn't put it this way, this is how I understand it), you're acting like a rude house border who thinks she's got rights in areas that she completely doesn't. Your family and the people in charge of it are to be respected more than anyone else you know, and you're treating us like you're not even related to us. It's no wonder that we suggest you don't live here anymore, you don't seem to want to be part of the atmosphere anyway.
I've been hurting my mother's sense of command, too, and treating her rudely (rudely, as in, out of place, as if she doesn't have a right to tell me what to do, and it's belittling to her) and it's really caused serious damage to our relationship. I had been thinking that everything was going to be okay, but really, I need to change how I'm acting, take responsibility for my actions that relate to the way I treat my family, and accept my position as a daughter, who helps out when she's needed but accepts commands from mother and father. (Good for self-control, self-learning, introversion improvement.)
Giving Advice to Teddy
My little brother, who I'm worried about not having good diligence (studying and chores, sometimes) isn't going to change by me telling him what to do. If I do say anything, he doesn't believe me because I'm a bad example (REALLY) and it's also a bad thing because he doesn't feel like he has a lot of control over the things he actually does have control over. So I can't try to take control for him and expect that to be effective. I also can't try and change the way my mom raises him. The only thing I can do is be an example and listen to how he feels when we're around each other. No more giving unwanted advice from me, only action and responsibility for MYSELF will be taken!
Teddy-Arguments: telling me what to do, and then the pointless ones.
My brother likes to tell me what to do (like my parents actually have a right to, but he doesn't). He likes to be in control, and sometimes he makes requests that I haven't considered his territory, but mine. But maybe I'm holding on to my pride too much. What a waste of time! It's causing so much dispute in my family. I can't fix everything wrong that goes on in my family, but I can do MY part. I have to stop arguing with everybody. I don't need to take part in that anymore. We CAN find another way to communicate-- one that feels better.
Sometimes Teddy does this arguing-for-fun thing-- he'll tease, then actually say something accusatory for no reason at all. It goes like this.
Cara: Yum, toast.
Teddy: what are you LOOKING AT???!
That's the point where I could decide not to answer. It takes a lot of self control! Haha :) I'm used to answering his questions. We get in to silly debates (also slapping wars, wrestling matches, and chasing-ea.-other-around-house-yelling-or-sneaking-around-trying-2-scare-ea.-other-games). These silly debates sound like this:
Cara: so I learned today that "damn it" in Japanese is NOT ChikuSA, but ChikuSHO. You were wrong!
Teddy: YOU are absolutely WRONG. You can NEVER be right. Baka.
Cara: Well, I looked it up on Google translator. And I've watched way more anime than you.
Teddy: Well, how do you know that? How do you KNOW you've watched more anime than me?
Cara: Umm... well, you don't literally have enough time to watch as much as me. Because you go to school all day, practice two hours of violin, and you also play hours and hours of Xbox. Where would you have time? I never see you watching.
Teddy: How do you KNOW? You know NOTHING.
Cara: uhhhh---
Let me think, what should I do? As you can see, I have bad arguing tactics, and I don't speak the single strongest statement, but try to win by saying tons of things, which he uses against me. If I do actually make a statement that would help me win, Teddy says something irrational and nonsensical.
But even more, our arguments don't really have a point, and it doesn't matter who wins. They also are very annoying and loud for the other people living in our house. We're totally immature... but besides that, they would stop if I just didn't answer him. I've gotten used to doing that a little but, but sometimes I do argue. So I'm going to work on not answering when I see it is a pointless argument or one that Teddy won't be using real logic.
Real Implements to Make :)
1. For everyone in general, including my own benefit: Listen before you speak. Speak only if people really want to hear what you say. Basically, don't plan on saying anything. Just listen!
2. For Mom: have more respect for the people who are in charge. Make peace and harmony a priority. I'm to be like a submissive person, who lets other people tell me what to do most of the time, and only gives input when asked or when necessary.
3. For Teddy: listen, take action for myself and what I'm responsible for, and don't give unwanted advice.
4. Also: don't answer Teddy's illogical-ness. We can find something else fun to do besides arguing. Getting out of the habit completely is better; don't pretend that it's okay when no one is around to get annoyed. It's annoying to me, too. I don't have to participate. So don't answer at those times.
5. For me: respect myself, for myself. When I want to succeed at something (like losing weight, doing homework, practicing piano, WHATEVER--) I need STOP wondering what others think about me, and look through my OWN eyes and ask myself why I'm doing it and what I think and feel.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Taking Action
Decide what time I'm going to wake up the next day before I go to sleep (or pick a time to go to sleep)
--> make a sort of "deadline" for going to bed, and do my best to adhere to it (deadline is such a great word! think of it more literally.)
Do work stuff mostly always before play stuff. Remember that an end really is in sight.
I get inspirational emails to help me learn Japanese from TextFugu.com . I love them. Here's what I want to think about after reading it: what's my "bigger purpose" or goal -- what can I imagine myself doing in three years if it could be anything I wanted-- what do I want to do? Imagine THAT, and then think: what are three small things you could do right now to get you closer to that place in your mind's eyes?
I need to be more literal with myself, and connect my smaller actions, the right-now actions, to my future. Because that's exactly what they are-- little bitty things added together make a future.
I have to start studying a lot. Mainly piano and theory. I think studying might be more useful than talent, so I can't sit around worrying that I have enough talent or not. If I just studied a ton, I'd do better than about ninety percent of those talented people who haven't been studying. As of right now, my laziness will not be getting me anywhere, so I have to change that.
New literal goals: [write these down in notebook and try to do it everyday.]
1. piano,theory/6days. bible7/days.
2. exercise/walk dog/chores seven days.
3. think about my main goals (read them) and think of what I am doing that day to get there, pick immediate things, and try not to forget them.
4. pick a time to wake up (and then also to go to bed that night before) and work to get it right.
5. use my imagination for each thing I do. in everything, remember who I can be if I choose. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't, so all I have is what I can do now. I have to be brave. 勇敢! "Yuukan"
--> make a sort of "deadline" for going to bed, and do my best to adhere to it (deadline is such a great word! think of it more literally.)
Do work stuff mostly always before play stuff. Remember that an end really is in sight.
I get inspirational emails to help me learn Japanese from TextFugu.com . I love them. Here's what I want to think about after reading it: what's my "bigger purpose" or goal -- what can I imagine myself doing in three years if it could be anything I wanted-- what do I want to do? Imagine THAT, and then think: what are three small things you could do right now to get you closer to that place in your mind's eyes?
I need to be more literal with myself, and connect my smaller actions, the right-now actions, to my future. Because that's exactly what they are-- little bitty things added together make a future.
I have to start studying a lot. Mainly piano and theory. I think studying might be more useful than talent, so I can't sit around worrying that I have enough talent or not. If I just studied a ton, I'd do better than about ninety percent of those talented people who haven't been studying. As of right now, my laziness will not be getting me anywhere, so I have to change that.
New literal goals: [write these down in notebook and try to do it everyday.]
1. piano,theory/6days. bible7/days.
2. exercise/walk dog/chores seven days.
3. think about my main goals (read them) and think of what I am doing that day to get there, pick immediate things, and try not to forget them.
4. pick a time to wake up (and then also to go to bed that night before) and work to get it right.
5. use my imagination for each thing I do. in everything, remember who I can be if I choose. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't, so all I have is what I can do now. I have to be brave. 勇敢! "Yuukan"
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Past and Future
My blog needs to be the place where I record my every important thought, right when I think it (if not, I will forget). That way, my blog will be like a reflection of my life-- a TRUE diary! Since I've recently discovered that I can send posts by text, my posts will now arrive when I'm away from home! Soooo great. :) :) :O
I am reading and editing my old posts and I am impressed with my changes that I've made over time. I started my blog when I was still in school, so... it actually marks a really monumental time in my life... when I was being fantastically stupid. I shouldn't put myself down, but I'm trying to describe how irritated I am at my attitude of that time. :) I was really in denial about my school failure. (I'm having a hard time writing these sentences because I still want to deny these things!) I had gotten to a point where I was completely getting F's and not going to school at all, and still allowing everyone around me, including myself, to think that I would be able to fix things. But it really was past "too late" and effectively, I was lying to myself and whoever I spoke to about school. If my parents hadn't ordered me home, I would have continued that until the school had kicked me out! I suppose it could have worked out in the end, but coming home was also a good solution-- better, in fact-- because I am now able to try and solve this problem with my family communication problems. Even if I had been able to pick myself up at school and start living on my own, I wouldn't have solved the problem with me and my mom always fighting. Now, I think I can figure that out because I'm here with the problem right in my face, a counselor to guide me, and the desire to fix things.
Soon, I'm going to go back to school, starting with just one class. I'm going to work toward getting a music degree... something I should have done a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I didn't realize it was what I should do. :)
So I'm going to get a music degree. It's not a huge deal what kind-- yet-- and I'm not decided yet. But eventually I will decide on something music related, after I've taken some theory. I'll learn Japanese on the side, because I love it. Hopefully I will get a good job that can tide me over without making school impossible. I will get good grades because I will be trying my best and believing in myself, so I know I can do it and I have a imaginary path to follow. Then I will try to go to Japan. I can try the JET program, or just go as a missionary with my church, maybe even that first and then JET. (They might more likely accept me if I have more experience.) Now, this part is harder to imagine-- I would like to get further education in music at a Japanese university-- probably in composing, but I really don't know at this point. :) If I had more of a dream set up for myself, it would help, but I don't have to know that yet. Most importantly, I can remind myself all I have to do is make music (whether it's playing, writing, or singing) and I will be happy. I don't have to worry that my dream isn't complicated and specific. Simple is good. I forget that a lot.
PS. If my "music" path changes towards languages, or even something else, that's okay too. I don't think that is quite as likely, but I have admit that all I'm doing right now is planning. It's not like I can SEE the future.
I am reading and editing my old posts and I am impressed with my changes that I've made over time. I started my blog when I was still in school, so... it actually marks a really monumental time in my life... when I was being fantastically stupid. I shouldn't put myself down, but I'm trying to describe how irritated I am at my attitude of that time. :) I was really in denial about my school failure. (I'm having a hard time writing these sentences because I still want to deny these things!) I had gotten to a point where I was completely getting F's and not going to school at all, and still allowing everyone around me, including myself, to think that I would be able to fix things. But it really was past "too late" and effectively, I was lying to myself and whoever I spoke to about school. If my parents hadn't ordered me home, I would have continued that until the school had kicked me out! I suppose it could have worked out in the end, but coming home was also a good solution-- better, in fact-- because I am now able to try and solve this problem with my family communication problems. Even if I had been able to pick myself up at school and start living on my own, I wouldn't have solved the problem with me and my mom always fighting. Now, I think I can figure that out because I'm here with the problem right in my face, a counselor to guide me, and the desire to fix things.
Soon, I'm going to go back to school, starting with just one class. I'm going to work toward getting a music degree... something I should have done a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I didn't realize it was what I should do. :)
So I'm going to get a music degree. It's not a huge deal what kind-- yet-- and I'm not decided yet. But eventually I will decide on something music related, after I've taken some theory. I'll learn Japanese on the side, because I love it. Hopefully I will get a good job that can tide me over without making school impossible. I will get good grades because I will be trying my best and believing in myself, so I know I can do it and I have a imaginary path to follow. Then I will try to go to Japan. I can try the JET program, or just go as a missionary with my church, maybe even that first and then JET. (They might more likely accept me if I have more experience.) Now, this part is harder to imagine-- I would like to get further education in music at a Japanese university-- probably in composing, but I really don't know at this point. :) If I had more of a dream set up for myself, it would help, but I don't have to know that yet. Most importantly, I can remind myself all I have to do is make music (whether it's playing, writing, or singing) and I will be happy. I don't have to worry that my dream isn't complicated and specific. Simple is good. I forget that a lot.
PS. If my "music" path changes towards languages, or even something else, that's okay too. I don't think that is quite as likely, but I have admit that all I'm doing right now is planning. It's not like I can SEE the future.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Hope?
Who do I think I am? What do I feel like might be in my future-- what can I be? Who? Listen to my soul, to God, to my heart.
I've been thinking wrong for a while. I can't become a newer, better, changing person if I hold myself back with sad thoughts. I have to think of the good things coming, and the good things I can be someday-- and BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE THAT WAY. If I believe it, I can.
;) That's called hope!!
I've been thinking wrong for a while. I can't become a newer, better, changing person if I hold myself back with sad thoughts. I have to think of the good things coming, and the good things I can be someday-- and BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE THAT WAY. If I believe it, I can.
;) That's called hope!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Self Control for Me! Plus a lot of quotes.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled over how much weight you have gained. ~Author Unknown
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.
I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.
1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.
2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.
ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...
When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.
4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.
I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....
5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.
hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....
Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")
When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work. ~George Bernard Shaw
There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway. ~Mark Burnett
Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ~T.S. Eliot
There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work. ~Joseph de Maistre
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still. ~Chinese Proverb
To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short. ~Confucius, Analects
As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. ~Author Unknown
Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer. ~André A. Jackson
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay, The Quote Garden !
I have terrible self control problems. I don't deny myself anything, really. That can be good, but since I don't know what's good and what's not good for me, I don't always WANT the right things, so I go back and forth. Always-- back and forth between healthy and junk food, anime-binging and studying, exercising and laying around, staying up and going to bed-- it's making me such a mess. If I could just get myself in control a little better, all these problems would be so much smaller.
I found something on the internet that talks about getting self-control fixed up. I'm modifying it for myself and making a list.
1. What areas in my life are suffering and which are prospering? Do I push myself to try too hard without taking breaks for real? The whole time I take a break, I feel guilty? It's time to start sacrificing: work before play this time, and try mainly taking short breaks in evenings and longer breaks on weekends, or at least more in the evenings, so that I can be more accomplished and have sort-of guidelines about when I relax -- work before play.
2. Take time to get informed about the areas I don't have control over. For me, those are 1) connection to God, 2) studies, practice, and learning diligence, 3) exercise, 4) diet, and 5) listening to and communication with others. Not only should I be working on these things, but I should learn HOW to do better in these areas. It's no wonder I become daunted by gaining control over these goals-- they're too high when I don't know how to approach them.
ooookay, now the article is going on about denying myself things. Puh-leeeeze. I KNOW that. That's what self-control is. I don't know how to GET SELF CONTROL. Therefore I don't know HOW to deny myself things. That is THE PROBLEM. Aaaarrrg. Okay, there are some tips...
When it says self denial, it means that-- as a HABIT-- you have to make yourself into a person who... kind of... doesn't need stuff. You give things away, and make yourself do things you don't want to. As a habit. Like... all the time.
4. Become simple-- don't ask for things, give things away, don't buy things you don't need-- REALLY. Don't see this as "denial" but living necessarily. I don't have enough money for everything I want, anyway. I don't want to be the sort of person who denies herself things. I want to be the sort of person who doesn't want them in the first place. I could get used to that. But first, I have to actually deny myself stuff, until it's habit.
I thought of doing that, a while ago, but I gave it up as a rock-solid idea. It might really help me, though, and not just in the financial department. It is pretty selfish, though, in the ultimate sense, because I'm doing it for myself. :) I really don't like the idea right now.... I hate it....
5. Deliberately challenge myself with the things I'm addicted to. TV: turn on the TV for two hours and star at something in the room for two hours. Food: get a yummy piece of food on a plate and leave it there but don't eat it, drink water instead.
hmmm. I'm not sure that will work. The TV one is one of the tips. It would be okay. But with food? Denying myself food has always made me get fatter in the end. I don't know what to do....
Quotes I like that will help me: (from The Quote Garden - specifically "about dieting" and "Self Control")
Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself. ~Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967
Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me. ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588
You must admit you have self-control before you can use it. ~Carrie Latet
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. ~Oscar Wilde
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. ~Mick Jagger
A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. ~C.S. Lewis
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life. ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw
I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. ~Jane Wagner
I think I just ate my willpower. ~Author Unknown
If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams. ~Jason Love
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ~Ed Bluestone
History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today. ~Harold MacMillan
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ~Dave Barry
If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out. ~Jean Kerr
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner. ~H.S. Leigh
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. ~Dan Bennett
Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself. ~Author Unknown
Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble
Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more. ~Edward H. Harriman
The one thing that matters is the effort. It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ~Thomas Jefferson
Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end. ~Larry Bird
No one understands that you have given everything. You must give more. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me. ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588
You must admit you have self-control before you can use it. ~Carrie Latet
Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. ~Oscar Wilde
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. ~Mick Jagger
A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. ~C.S. Lewis
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life. ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw
I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. ~Jane Wagner
I think I just ate my willpower. ~Author Unknown
If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams. ~Jason Love
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. ~Ed Bluestone
History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today. ~Harold MacMillan
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ~Dave Barry
If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out. ~Jean Kerr
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner. ~H.S. Leigh
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. ~Dan Bennett
Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself. ~Author Unknown
Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble
Much good work is lost for the lack of a little more. ~Edward H. Harriman
The one thing that matters is the effort. It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ~Thomas Jefferson
Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end. ~Larry Bird
No one understands that you have given everything. You must give more. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work. ~George Bernard Shaw
There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway. ~Mark Burnett
Though the barriers of life seem formidable, we find when we challenge them that they have no will. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
One saves oneself much pain, by taking pains; much trouble, by taking trouble. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ~Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Most of us can easily do two things at once; what's all but impossible is to do one thing at once. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ~T.S. Eliot
There are no easy methods of learning difficult things; the method is to close your door, give out that you are not at home, and work. ~Joseph de Maistre
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still. ~Chinese Proverb
To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short. ~Confucius, Analects
Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves. ~Dale Carnegie
Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown
Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~Swami Sivananda
Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown
Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~Swami Sivananda
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com
The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running. ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. ~Albert Einstein
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ~Author Unknown
The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb
Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over. ~F. Scott FitzgeraldFall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com
The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running. ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. ~Albert Einstein
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown
The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb
As a means to success, determination has this advantage over talent - that it does not have to be recognized by others. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. ~Author Unknown
Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer. ~André A. Jackson
Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale
Oh, that's such a wonderful site. Yay, The Quote Garden !
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Discovery
Yes. I was trying to change myself too much.
Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.
I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.
It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.
I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.
So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?
Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.
I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.
It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.
I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.
So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?
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