dear Jesus,

Please help me to love you like I love other people. 
When you want me to get focused, 
please reach inside my brain and motivate me 
to please you. 
Fill me with your Holy Spirit 
so I can get your work done. 
Thank you. 
Amen.

Simple Reasons! My Goals Now.

K, I talked with my Dad again tonight. It's something that bugs me, that he doesn't pay attention to my feelings, and it also bugs me that I can't stop arguing with him; that I don't listen to him either. I wrote up a long letter to him about various things I want to protest.

But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.

See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.

I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.


I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.


So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".

Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.

I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.

I am soooo...

Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.

TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.

1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!

2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).

3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750

that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 =  6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]

K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school. 
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job

Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe

Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.

I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.

4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)

Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.

! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.

5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

SUCCESS AGAIN!

I did it. I made it to class, and I was LATE AND I EVEN WENT IN.

I NEVER go into class anymore even if I'm one minute late. Of course that sounds ridiculous, probably, but I'm very obsessive-- not about being early-- but that if I'm late I am too scared to go in. I hate that part where you open the door with a loud click, everyone's face turns towards you, and they regard you... thinking one thing or another, and the teacher glances at you ***uuugh shuudder***

Anyway, so I went in even though I was late. The teacher is totally nice and was like, "Hi Cara" in this sort of side-ways way.

Okay, it helped that I stood outside the door in pain a minute, which was long enough for anohter late person to join me. The door was locked, we knocked, and the professor let us in.

*WHEW* !!! Next time, I HAVE to go in even if I'm by myself.

;)

The class content was, for once, something I listened to closely,(good because it was very essential info) and I feel prepared to start my homework. There is a lot, though, so I have to be careful that I pick what to do, priority-wise.

Hmmmm

I am at school right now, in the computer lab. It is a very nice computer lab. I felt like typing... it makes me feel busy, when I don't know what to do with myself. Is that weird? I don't get it...?

I am hoping that I will get this assignment done without getting lazy and having the feeling that I need to leave. Haha. Stay with it, Cara....

Anyway, the computers are MACs, and they are fun to use because I like trying different types of computer systems. We also get to use Finale, a SIX HUNDRED DOLLAR PROGRAM at normal price. Bleagh. I would like to have a program like Finale! (It's $350 for some students).

The people in the lab are making fun, talking in other languages and weird accents. It is funny and distracting.

Void, Darkness.

School is scary. My assignments stop me in my tracks. I feel like I'm in darkness, or worse, a void of nothing-- and I simply don't want to try to find my way out. I'm hiding in the corner, pressed up against a wall, curling myself around my legs, pretending I don't exist.

But the logical truth is that all I have to do is stand up, and I'll feel the trapdoor right above my head, shutting out the light-- but if I stood up, I would bump my head and the light, blinding, bright, and sudden, would tell me where I was.

So here I am, struggling, and I thought that eventually I wouldn't have confusing thoughts in my life and I wouldn't have the need to complain and worry about every little thing. But I guess that's just how I am! I like to worry about the details. In some ways, that helps me in life.

But I have to accept that taking classes is GOING to feel like this to me-- why would it have changed? I just WANT to avoid things that I "make" myself do. I haven't reached the point where I stop feeling like someone's making me do it-- all I'm doing at school is EXPLORING (i.e. learning) and it is NOT something to be scared of (and therefore avoid).

How can I remind myself to keep from avoiding and being scared for no reason? I'm trying so hard, but I'm pushing in the wrong direction.

College Success Plan, Beginning.

I am trying to take a theory class at my local university. As it turns out, I didn't actually need to appeal because I meet the conditions, and furthermore, I don't have to meet any conditions because I'm not yet a full-time student. :)

Answer these questions:
1. Why don't you meet the admission requirements, and
2. What are you are doing to make up deficiencies? Include information on your career and academic goals and why you want to attend. [I forgot to read that last sentence. :) ]

TO THE APPEALS COURT

WHY I DON'T MEET THE ADMISSION REQUIREMENTS
My GPA is: 1.6 [as it turns out, that's only my science. My real GPA is 2.5 and I didn't even need to write this letter.]
I didn't take responsibility for my grades at Atlantis University. I was rushing ahead when I should have stopped to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I let myself lose confidence in my academic ability and vainly hoped to fix my grades and continue in school, but I should have pulled out to rethink the choices I had made about the classes I had undertaken. [NOTE TO SELF: My hope was false because I had gotten ahead of myself and hoped for something before I acknowledged the truth. Hope is not invalid just because one fails; hope is invalid when it is not based on truth. My hope, sadly, was invalid situationally, but that doesn't mean that the result I hoped for can not happen, even if I repeat my actions-- but I have to repeat my actions while thinking more carefully-- SLOWLY-- about which actions to choose, so that I choose the right ones. Wow, that was a really complicated way to say that.]

WHAT I'M DOING TO MAKE UP DEFICIENCIES
I am studying independently at home.
    I have to start studying 2 hours a day independently for each subject I claim to be studying before I can say that.
        Refer to each subject I study 2 hours a day, five days a week, as a subject I've been studying.
        That would be: 1 or more: Japanese, Piano, Theory, [exercise, which I will not mention]
    I'm seeing a counselor at Pastoral Services about my life in general, especially in taking responsibility for my self and the things I do.
And once I start school, there are a few more items I will strive for.
I will take responsibility for the result of my work-- meaning, I will take responsibility for my grades.
I will pull out of a class right away if I realize I can't handle it by monitoring my progress and grades weekly, or sooner.
I will begin slowly, and start by taking only a small class load.
I will look back at this letter when I sign up for new classes and when I make other more important decisions.
[note to self: I will consider taking anxiety AND EVEN depression medications if my own efforts do not produce fabulous results.]

[NOTE TO SELF: I will not be finished with this until I've done these things. After I've done these things, I won't be finished either, so no congratulations until you do something big, at least.]

[note to self: Time Issue/SCHEDULE. If I study two hours a day for a regular class load, I will get A's most likely. That doesn't count piano, which is four hours, so working is out of the question, I don't even know if a full load and piano is possible, (as long as piano isn't counting as part of the load). Basically, working and school will be impossible unless I take less classes, because I can't expect to get A's without studying two hours and a regular class load is actually a fulltime job in itself (i.e. 6am-1pm school (errands/exercise), piano 4 hours, classes 5ish hours, sleep at 11PM???! That's more like 1 hour for homework, no time for meals or personal time. I am NOT going to be working while I'm in school except weekends! :) FOR SURE, unless I want to multitask and work while taking a half-load.)

As it turns out, this letter was unnecessary, but now that I think about it, it's really important that I wrote it because this sort of accountability (to myself) is exactly what I need to be in order to get through this beginning part. I won't succeed in school unless I follow these ideas, so I REALLY must look back at this!

Past and Future

My blog needs to be the place where I record my every important thought, right when I think it (if not, I will forget). That way, my blog will be like a reflection of my life-- a TRUE diary! Since I've recently discovered that I can send posts by text, my posts will now arrive when I'm away from home! Soooo great. :) :) :O

I am reading and editing my old posts and I am impressed with my changes that I've made over time. I started my blog when I was still in school, so... it actually marks a really monumental time in my life... when I was being fantastically stupid. I shouldn't put myself down, but I'm trying to describe how irritated I am at my attitude of that time. :) I was really in denial about my school failure. (I'm having a hard time writing these sentences because I still want to deny these things!) I had gotten to a point where I was completely getting F's and not going to school at all, and still allowing everyone around me, including myself, to think that I would be able to fix things. But it really was past "too late" and effectively, I was lying to myself and whoever I spoke to about school. If my parents hadn't ordered me home, I would have continued that until the school had kicked me out! I suppose it could have worked out in the end, but coming home was also a good solution-- better, in fact-- because I am now able to try and solve this problem with my family communication problems. Even if I had been able to pick myself up at school and start living on my own, I wouldn't have solved the problem with me and my mom always fighting. Now, I think I can figure that out because I'm here with the problem right in my face, a counselor to guide me, and the desire to fix things.

Soon, I'm going to go back to school, starting with just one class. I'm going to work toward getting a music degree... something I should have done a long time ago, but I couldn't, because I didn't realize it was what I should do. :)

So I'm going to get a music degree. It's not a huge deal what kind-- yet-- and I'm not decided yet. But eventually I will decide on something music related, after I've taken some theory. I'll learn Japanese on the side, because I love it. Hopefully I will get a good job that can tide me over without making school impossible. I will get good grades because I will be trying my best and believing in myself, so I know I can do it and I have a imaginary path to follow. Then I will try to go to Japan. I can try the JET program, or just go as a missionary with my church, maybe even that first and then JET. (They might more likely accept me if I have more experience.) Now, this part is harder to imagine-- I would like to get further education in music at a Japanese university-- probably in composing, but I really don't know at this point. :) If I had more of a dream set up for myself, it would help, but I don't have to know that yet. Most importantly, I can remind myself all I have to do is make music (whether it's playing, writing, or singing) and I will be happy. I don't have to worry that my dream isn't complicated and specific. Simple is good. I forget that a lot.

PS. If my "music" path changes towards languages, or even something else, that's okay too. I don't think that is quite as likely, but I have admit that all I'm doing right now is planning. It's not like I can SEE the future.