I'M NOT LISTENING!

I was talking to Allison today, and I got teary afterward. I felt like hiding, and crying (which I did) and I found out that the spot between my couch and my bed is a lot easier to fall into than to pull myself out of.

I wish Allison could listen to me ramble on about dumb things without judging me. I used to get sick of my friend Lucie (at least when I would talk to her in high school) who would complain about people at church (and school, one in the same where I attended) who were judgemental. Well, I guess sometimes it's worth complaining about.

When I was explaining my job searching discoveries and activities, it was hard to explain them because it felt like she was forming her own negative opinions about my ideas. I know, I KNOW I'm too sensitive to these things, but regardless, it's a little rude to form negative opinions about something just because you don't know about it. When I say "you don't know about it" I'm not spouting nonsense. I have a totally different personality from someone else I might meet on the street or of my friends and family. I react to things differently, I have different life skills, weaknesses and strengths. Of course, it's different to form an opinion if you've tried something, but even then, it's not necessarily your business, right?

I can see what you're thinking. But don't put out expectations for me. Do that, and I'm limited when I think through your eyes. My only choice now is to ignore you, and I know that's not what you wanted.

Then she asked me a question like this: "So, what's your ultimate goal." (It really was more like a statement than a question.) My heart felt like it was being dipped in morning lake water. I answered well as I could, explaining that I'd rather focus on just getting a job first, but I felt like crying right then, so I also added stupidly that I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else, and only myself.

I'm hoping these experiences will just hurry up and mature my sensitivity and under-confidence. I realize that's why I feel like this.

Judgemental people are really TRYING to help, or put their good advice out there. But in another way, it's just sickening. You can't know simply from listening to me what the rest of my life is going to be like. You don't understand my feelings or my reasons for living. You're way older than me, how do you know what I'm capable of in this new day? Youth is power. You should know that, being that you were young once. Wisdom and experience may also be powerful, but this is a time for me when I need to create my own wisdom through experiences.

I still don't think complaining about judgmental people is a very efficient use of time, since it is a form of holding a grudge, so you never have to stop, BUT. It is making me feel better now.

What works for OTHERS may not work for me. Not everything simple for somebody else is SIMPLE for me. But what someone else can't do, I might be able to. I WILL MAKE MY OWN PATH.

Ah- I'm forgetting something. I don't have to make my own path ALL by myself. You know all those Christian slogans (or whatever) about having a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus? Well, I want to know where they got that idea to make sure that's the best way to look at it-- but if it's true, and I think it is in most circumstances--

judgmental-ism means nothing! I don't have to worry about what somebody else thinks if I strongly disagree or it bothers me.

I just have to listen to the Creator of the world... I'm sure he has better ideas than anybody else.

I'm sure :)

About this one thing, at least!

I know my reaction is obviously an OVERreaction, and what I call being really emotional, but it is what felt, after all. I feel better now, but I can't help thinking how funny my head is. Or I should say heart since I'm talking about emotions here :) but really it's my personality makeup, ergo my head.

Well, that's about it. Haha-- right now, I'm playing my angry iTunes playlist, and The Used is screaming in my ears, "Not Listening!!! NOT LISTENING!!!! NOT LISTENING!!!!! " lol.

Today... Let me See....

I woke up late after being exhausted from yesterday's workout! Eleven hours of sleep, I think. So I skipped exercising today, and I also ended up skipping piano.

I am NOT a multi-tasker! Not naturally, anyway... :-[

But I DID study 29 kanji. I'm about to review them next :)

And when I was busily studying away, perhaps a little too busily in that I was ignoring the people around me, my mom and me got in an "argument" or whatever one would call something like that.

(I use words relating to "argument" so much that I just get sick of any similar words, but I don't know what else to use...)

ARGUMENT.

Mom was telling me things she understands about our family - why my brother does things he does, why Alice does things she does. Mom was explaining her opinion on what should be done about the negative things. (Teddy teasing a female friend and hurting her feelings, Alice... ☺ not emptying her trash because she doesn't want to waste trashbags, and cooking smelly meat in our vegetarian house.) I didn't like some of the words Mom used - calling Teddy "clueless" or the conversation about Alice when she might be able to hear us. I shouldn't have bothered Mom when her words are her own choice, but I interrupted anyway.

My mom is very inspired, she could be a psychologist or a writer with her interest in people and intuitive, confident sense into the situation they're in.

But I sometimes get tired of all this analysis. Sometimes I want to plug my ears at the endless flow of ideas and reasonings my mother comes up with. Even more so a problem is that I find myself defending these people my mom talks about when she was never criticizing them in the first place. I suppose, deep inside, that I consider analysis criticism in itself.

My defense of Mom's subjects upsets her - she doesn't think of them as subjects. To her, what's she's doing is problem-solving. She tends to get involved in other people's lives, and doesn't give up. It's a form of helping others, this problem-solving. And she's not a bystander - when given the chance, she helps others at all possible times - grocery carrying, bills, money for music lessons, a hug, words of appreciation and encouragement, conversation - she does, literally, everything she can.

So this evening when I defended the people she was speaking of, she was hurt. She needed me to listen to her, and I ended up scolding her for her "gossiping" and "unkind words" - things she never did.

I tried to apologize after I thought of it this way, but it was too late. She left the house to buy milk in tears, feeling that she should have spoken her thoughts aloud, saying that I can't understand adult conversation and she needs an adult to talk to. Door SLAM!!

The idea of me not being an adult is inappropriate, since I am an adult and she could instead say something like 1) she shouldn't talk about something I want to stop talking about OR 2) she should keep her thoughts to herself.

But either way, I tried to force my apology on her. I don't know if she just wasn't able to forgive me, maybe because she needed to stay mad for her own sanity, or because I shouldn't have forced it... probably both. I'll have to remember to apologize not at that moment but waaay after the end of the fight. Just because our brains work fast (mom and me) doesn't mean accepting an apology is a fast process! :)

Here's what I recorded on my phone immediately after our argument, when I realized I was in the wrong and should have been listening to her instead of scolding:

"We say things to each other that bothers the other person, and I say, well how am I supposed to communicate that to you without actually saying it? Why can't you just let me say what I want, am I not allowed to speak?" But you should find a better way to do it-- speak while checking what you're saying from their perspective. Don't just say, "Oh, I needed to talk, to explain how I feel--" because if it doesn't get through to them, it's pointless to explain any of that, and they WILL misunderstand you and possibly get mad or hurt. No matter what the situation is, you have to find a way to effectively communicate to them what you want to say, or you may as well keep quiet.

But if you're just trying to vent, which is a different thing, then the other person needs to listen for that. But if it has to do with something that involves the other person, you can't just vent and say whatever you want because it involves them personally. BUT, when you're on the listening/receiving side of the talking, and it doesn't involve you, don't get mad about it, it's not your job."

That last part, where it says the person on the receiving side shouldn't get mad, was me. I was getting upset with my mom about something that I shouldn't have worried about, she wasn't talking about me. I mean, mostly she didn't. Sometimes she's not always sensitive to me, but it's okay, there's always going to be a few wrinkles in relating to other people.

Some other stuff I thought about today:

While watching Synchronicity, (click for youtube vid) - "Look at everyone like they can be characters of their own story, poor, rich, all essential-- not to a part in a story, but to another whole world in which they are the main character-- the hero." 

From yesterday, that I forgot to write: "Get a job to be responsible, this is a role I know I can fill, so there's not reason not to approach it with confidence."

Listening, Trust, and Patience.

This means to listen carefully, to take to heart: 耳を傾ける (and you say it like mimi wo katamukeru or みみをかたむける).

I kicked a hole in my bedroom door today. I like to say I was justified, but I guess that's mostly never justified, not in a simple fight that happened just because the people fighting are not listening to each other.

Fighting with my family used to be very complicated-- at least, I felt that way. Now I am able to see what's going on more and more. But obviously I still don't get it or I wouldn't kick a whole in my door.

Teddy, my little brother, plays the violin. I play the piano, and I want to get academically serious about it, and practice a number of hours every day, something like two to six, but I'm going to do five for now, as is possible. So I sometimes worry a little too much about perfection, instead of putting my heart into it. It's partly due to the the way I've been taught, I think, and my compulsive personality.

But the worst thing is, when I get together with Ted to practice, I bother him and say things like, "maybe you should practice more" or say other things that irritate him. (He does it to me too.) Sometimes, I'm right but I shouldn't be telling him what to do as if his actions are my responsibility. Other times, I'm just plain right and he doesn't listen. And then there's the times when I'm being a bitch and say downright maddening things that I don't really mean, but since I'm genuinely irritated, he takes my words to heart.

I'm always surprised by other people's abilities when I look more closely at them. I mean, ALWAYS surprised. It's like I have a complex about the human race being dumber than me, just a little bit dumber. This is simply because I am unaware of what's going on, and I just think about myself-- "Oh wow! I understand this math problem! It was so hard! I'm guessing no one else understands it at all. Yippee." If both Teddy and I left the other person alone and trusted in their skills and their ability as a human being (God makes us able to manage ourselves) we wouldn't be fighting. AAA! KEY POINT!

But we don't trust each other's skills and abilities. It's very easy for Teddy to get mad at me, and it's very easy for me to get mad at him. We are both distract-able, sensitive people who jump on each other for the little things that irritate and that we take to heart, when it wasn't the point of the argument anyway.

In this way, we have the incredible ability to take an argument and make it go on and on. TANGENT! TANGENT! WE ARE LEAVING THE PORT! NOW WE'RE GOING TO PLUTO WHERE THERE'S NO POINT IN VISITING BUT WE DON'T CARE! After completely exhausting ourselves with getting mad about being insulted, delivering insults back, and getting the other person irritated, thus resulting in being insulted (etc etc) we both get the impression that the other person is indisputably an insensitive jerk whose only desire is to say infuriating, interfering, and obscene things.

If I listened for Teddy's feelings (at least my impression of them) through his words (and actions), I wouldn't be acting so stupid and helping an argument progress pointlessly.

But we don't listen. And after being irritated by the other person so much, we are at the point where wish we could quit the fighting. We can't get the other person to listen to us, and it makes us feel a serious lack of control-- we aren't "allowed" to speak our piece, even if only to continue a tangent-- so the only thing we can do to re-assume control is to QUIT practicing and walk away. This is a very effective way to make the other person mad, because that person is there to practice with you and only you, so if you leave, they have to quit too. BAM! Gotcha. Now you have to change what you're doing because I took control of the situation and left! Bye-bye! (Snicker snicker.)

That's often how our fights end. Nice, huh? After I'm done, it all feels like nothing, and for nothing.

There's a lot more I could talk about, more I could explain about what we fight and how we do it, and how this just doesn't affect Teddy and me, but my mother and me, too. We've become very skillful with words, but it's mostly evasion words and not-admitting-we-are-wrong words or well-you-do-that-to-me-way-more-than-i-do-it-to-you.

But I don't need to explain all that, because the solution is to get into the habit of listening and observing, not interrupting, respecting the other person's abilities, and being PATIENT. AAARGH it's so EASY to type that! Such simple words! urrrgh.

Interestingly enough, we all know that we need to start listening, and so now we use that in our fights too. When Teddy doesn't get to finish speaking (because I interrupt) he gets incredibly mad at me, and vice versa. Unfortunately, there's no way to get around that one. Even if the other person goes on and on, we can't tell them to stop talking, we have to listen. That's why I emphasize patience. Sometimes one person wants to say something and expects the other person not to have the desire to respond. NOPE! Don't expect to get to talk without the other person saying something-- if you want to save time, say so, be concise, or shut yourself up! It's not fair to talk unequally.

Anyway, I'm sick of this problem that's half my fault. I let myself get mad in situations that don't have to be out of my control, but I let it happen. It HURTS! But mostly, the hurts goes down deep and then I just feel tired. And then of course, I have a hole in my door.

From my foot.

From kicking the door. And then I cried about kicking the door.

I'm sorry I'm repeating myself, I am just SO surprised that I made a HOLE in my door. Can you just buy regular doors at the store? Maybe this will give me a chance to get a fancy one with a mirror with a gold filigree edging, I wouldn't kick that one.

A change of family atmosphere!

アニメ Minus Subtitles: Listening

I've been watching random animes on the internet lately that don't have subtitles. Sometimes it helps me listen to the Japanese better, and I also don't have to be looking at the screen, because I won't be able to "listen" either better either way, so I can do something else at the same time. Like, right now, I'm playing a special from Harukanaru Toki no naka de. (There are a lot of "related" shows for that one, it's confusing!!!)

Anyway, I notice a lot of things when I listen instead of watch, or at least watch without subtitles. It's kind of fun!

Boundaries: I'm Extending Too Far?

Also while under the subject of "listening", I'll mention ramble on at length about something new I'm doing. My mom and I were yelling and arguing with each other yesterday (Friday) and she said things that I actually listened to. I realized she's been trying to tell me things for a very long time, but I was just never listening. So that (listening) is something I need to do differently (more often). She was telling me how frustrated she is with how I respond to her sometimes. Mom will ask me to do something, or tell me to, or tell me not to do something. This might be to do the dishes, walk the dog, run an errand, quit filling the sink up with unsanitary raw egg drippings, or fetch her something, and usually it's important that I do it right THEN, or it's at least time-oriented. To that, I might argue, or argue about the methods, or say "after I've said no, you shouldn't cross the boundary by ordering me around further. Let me be in control of my own actions."

My Mother's Feelings

Although I had felt that my actions were justifiable, I suppose that maybe that isn't the point. I need to try to help keep peace around the house, more than I need to get people to do what I want or allow me to do what I want. I don't have to have everything my way, I mean, see?

No matter what my someone, my mother especially, asks me to do, it isn't worth it for me to cause an argument. That doesn't matter, if I truly want to stay in the house and live with everyone, and as a part of the family. I'm not treating them like I'm a part of them, I'm acting like I don't care and they're not connected to me (as family).

I ALSO need to remember that I mustn't expect to be listened to. Sometimes mom doesn't listen to me, just like I don't listen to her. It's normal to want to be heard, and in that process, you end up speaking while NOT listening to the other person. And when the other person doesn't listen to what you're trying to say, you never stop to listen, and then each person will never be satisfied because they haven't been heard, so they won't stop to listen to the other... kind of like war... and so it never stops.

So when I'm blabbering on about how I feel, I have to stop and say to myself, "Don't expect to be listened to. Blabbering WILL make it worse. Listen first, and if the other person seems ready to listen, then speak." Mostly, in my family, I'm going to need to do a lot of listening, and not speaking. It's really okay, I've argued enough that I've caused a lot of discord and really stressed everybody out.

Actually, that's what my mom was trying to explain, so far as I can tell, this is what she meant:
Cara, you are using your "sense of independence" against me illogically. You aren't acting like part of the family (though she didn't put it this way, this is how I understand it), you're acting like a rude house border who thinks she's got rights in areas that she completely doesn't. Your family and the people in charge of it are to be respected more than anyone else you know, and you're treating us like you're not even related to us. It's no wonder that we suggest you don't live here anymore, you don't seem to want to be part of the atmosphere anyway.

I've been hurting my mother's sense of command, too, and treating her rudely (rudely, as in, out of place, as if she doesn't have a right to tell me what to do, and it's belittling to her) and it's really caused serious damage to our relationship. I had been thinking that everything was going to be okay, but really, I need to change how I'm acting, take responsibility for my actions that relate to the way I treat my family, and accept my position as a daughter, who helps out when she's needed but accepts commands from mother and father. (Good for self-control, self-learning, introversion improvement.)

Giving Advice to Teddy

My little brother, who I'm worried about not having good diligence (studying and chores, sometimes) isn't going to change by me telling him what to do. If I do say anything, he doesn't believe me because I'm a bad example (REALLY) and it's also a bad thing because he doesn't feel like he has a lot of control over the things he actually does have control over. So I can't try to take control for him and expect that to be effective. I also can't try and change the way my mom raises him. The only thing I can do is be an example and listen to how he feels when we're around each other. No more giving unwanted advice from me, only action and responsibility for MYSELF will be taken!

Teddy-Arguments: telling me what to do, and then the pointless ones.

My brother likes to tell me what to do (like my parents actually have a right to, but he doesn't). He likes to be in control, and sometimes he makes requests that I haven't considered his territory, but mine. But maybe I'm holding on to my pride too much. What a waste of time! It's causing so much dispute in my family. I can't fix everything wrong that goes on in my family, but I can do MY part. I have to stop arguing with everybody. I don't need to take part in that anymore. We CAN find another way to communicate-- one that feels better.


Sometimes Teddy does this arguing-for-fun thing-- he'll tease, then actually say something accusatory for no reason at all. It goes like this.


Cara: Yum, toast.
Teddy: what are you LOOKING AT???!

That's the point where I could decide not to answer. It takes a lot of self control! Haha :) I'm used to answering his questions. We get in to silly debates (also slapping wars, wrestling matches, and chasing-ea.-other-around-house-yelling-or-sneaking-around-trying-2-scare-ea.-other-games). These silly debates sound like this:


Cara: so I learned today that "damn it" in Japanese is NOT ChikuSA, but ChikuSHO. You were wrong!
Teddy: YOU are absolutely WRONG. You can NEVER be right. Baka.

Cara: Well, I looked it up on Google translator. And I've watched way more anime than you.

Teddy: Well, how do you know that? How do you KNOW you've watched more anime than me?

Cara: Umm... well, you don't literally have enough time to watch as much as me. Because you go to school all day, practice two hours of violin, and you also play hours and hours of Xbox. Where would you have time? I never see you watching.

Teddy: How do you KNOW? You know NOTHING.

Cara: uhhhh---

Let me think, what should I do? As you can see, I have bad arguing tactics, and I don't speak the single strongest statement, but try to win by saying tons of things, which he uses against me. If I do actually make a statement that would help me win, Teddy says something irrational and nonsensical.

But even more, our arguments don't really have a point, and it doesn't matter who wins. They also are very annoying and loud for the other people living in our house. We're totally immature... but besides that, they would stop if I just didn't answer him. I've gotten used to doing that a little but, but sometimes I do argue. So I'm going to work on not answering when I see it is a pointless argument or one that Teddy won't be using real logic.

Real Implements to Make :)

1. For everyone in general, including my own benefit: Listen before you speak. Speak only if people really want to hear what you say. Basically, don't plan on saying anything. Just listen!

2. For Mom: have more respect for the people who are in charge. Make peace and harmony a priority. I'm to be like a submissive person, who lets other people tell me what to do most of the time, and only gives input when asked or when necessary.

3. For Teddy: listen, take action for myself and what I'm responsible for, and don't give unwanted advice.

4. Also: don't answer Teddy's illogical-ness. We can find something else fun to do besides arguing. Getting out of the habit completely is better; don't pretend that it's okay when no one is around to get annoyed. It's annoying to me, too. I don't have to participate. So don't answer at those times.

5. For me: respect myself, for myself. When I want to succeed at something (like losing weight, doing homework, practicing piano, WHATEVER--) I need STOP wondering what others think about me, and look through my OWN eyes and ask myself why I'm doing it and what I think and feel.

Epiphanies All Day!

Today, ALL OF A SUDDEN, when I was talking to my mom... I realized some things. And I became suddenly motivated, like, I don't know why!

I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!

I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.

But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.

But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.

1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)

2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.

3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.

The Final Crash Project List

My dad had ANOTHER talk with me. But I didn't mind it. My attitude has changed, I think. I did a good job of mostly "listening" and I didn't argue when I wanted to.

Because as much as I want to put up protests and make excuses, the truth is that is just what they are. If I haven't succeeded in the areas that my dad wants me to -- getting a job, getting an education, helping out around the house, keeping my room clean-- then he may as well be right and I need to listen to his advice. Of course, I have my own opinions about how I can fix my laziness and assorted other bad habits, but it's not like I've even taken my own advice.

So I just listened! It worked pretty well. He gave me a list of the things that he talked to me about, and asked me to keep it so that we could look at it later and see how well my progress as gone.

That sort of thing is really helpful to me! I like it because I have a real person to be accountable to. Usually I make lists for myself, but that leaves me only accountable to myself. And I agree with basically everything on the list, except he wants me not to watch TV on my laptop anymore...

And yet didn't I just post that I wanted to do that? I haven't been able to meet  the goal of "never watching" yet.

I'm making it sound difficult, when really that's just me making bad decisions. And even what I'm writing here... is, yet, the same thing. But I think it's important that I keep trying to use my time wisely. I do need to focus more on my goals instead of procrastinating. I use TV to procrastinate. I suppose this is a habit I'm going to HAVE to change. Here's my lsit of things that I really need to do, in this order, before I can effectively start using that planner-schedule I keep trying to do (the by-the-minute one).

This list is important because I have a hard time being organized when my room is messy. Also, this list is important because my life is in disarray (messy room, no job, and I'm too shy all the time, kind of like... a female hikikomori... haha... eh.) so I'm trying to get over the problem areas so I can actually work on a normal schedule (being prepared to work full time, and sleeping at normal times, and studying productively for nursing school).

The Final Crash Project List
WOOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHa (evil laugh)
1. go to sleep/bed after nine pm at night.
2. clean my room. clean something else to help around the house, at least 3 things, per day.
3. exercise every day.
4. make myself pretty even if I'm planning on exercising in a minute. otherwise, I'll be too scared to let people see me, and then I get afraid to go other places in the house.
5. practice piano, five hours a day. HA. Beat that, Cara from before this post. (I'm competing with myself. What? No, I don't have multiple personality disorder! XD Because my multiple personalities are all named Cara, therefore, they're still me.)
6. look for jobs as an accompanist. look for jobs as a nursing assistant if that doesn't work. it might not, because music schools have jobs available for their music students, not me, right? a church is possible, though. i just may need to look for a CNA job in the first place anyway. -- BASICALLY, JUST GET A JOB OUT OF NECESSITY. JUST DO IT!!!

k. I'm pasting it into my daynotes. byebye.