God being supportive

It seems a little scary to admit this but... I have to express how happy it makes me!

I've been in some pretty bad places in life. Not compared to some people, but emotionally, I have. I guess I don't have to compare myself to others to explain this. I shouldn't do that... anyway.

I've been homeless, I've hated myself (still do often), I have been alone in the world, with only my two feet to stand on. It was something like rock-bottom. Everything I have today-- my apartment, my husband, my job, is based on experiences I have gained since that rock-bottom place, it feels like. I suppose there were good things /before/ rock bottom that helped shape me, too. (Like childhood and sweet parents.)

But I just feel like God has gotten me here. Like everything I did was just minuscule or nothingness compared to what he can do  (and did) for me. I feel like David in the Psalms when he talks about being lifted up, and where his enemies are smote by the Lord's hand, and how God solves his problems for him. (I sometimes feel sorry for his enemies. But I think the point is that God solved his problems, and that those enemies could potentially symbolize issues, not necessarily people. But yes, sometimes people.)

It was like that for me. I feel completely supported by God. It feels so good to admit that everything I have is his. That he got me here, and not me. 

You know why? 'Cuz if *I* got me here, then I have a lot of work to do to get farther. And that's exhausting to even think about! This was hard enough, just riding on God's coat tails. It was difficult staying on the sled he was driving, hurtling us down the mountain, and without crashing into any trees, too. And now I'm supposed to walk myself all up that mountain so I can do it all by myself, again? No, sir! I would prefer to get a lift from the creator of the universe, thanks tho... He's the best driver, too.

This isn't self-depreciation like it might sound. It's such a relief to keep this in mind. That it's not up to me. And I don't even have to know where I'm going. 

*Whew.*

*Goes back to taking it one day at a time*

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Life Goals and Priorities

Alrighty. So, I'm been waiting, and procrastinating a lot, for about a year. I think I want to stop doing that. Procrastination is like giving up in the moment, while promising yourself that you'll do it "later" but "later" doesn't really mean anything. So procrastination is just giving up, since you can't say that you really WILL do the thing you need to do, ever, until you actually do it.

Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.

1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.

2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often

3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day

4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.

5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance

Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!

I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.

Vast Dreams, Other Worlds, and Facing fear.

Sometimes I have dreams that remind me of what I'm afraid of. They're not scary when I'm asleep, though. They are the most frightening when I think about them later-- because they represent what I'm afraid of in real life.

Get this. My most common one includes my fish dying (either I forget the others, or this one is simply the most reaccurring. I've had dying fish dreams for years.) Often one fish will eat another in the tank, or a big fish won't have enough room to swim, and be as big as the tank is. Often, a fish will jump out of the tank and I'll have to put it back in, hoping it isn't going to die from my finger oils and not being able to breathe. And then there's the times that I have to put it in water, and the water is hot.

My other ones are about school. Being late to school, having tests and projects that I haven't studied for, and living in a frighteningly big dorm, way too bright, and one I can't find my room in. The dreams have a power to scare me that is unlike life, and when I feel that again in real life, it is a different kind of fear than the direct kind-- it's the kind I want to run away from.

I want to face my fears.

Shopping is Not a Bad Thing, Cara!

Okay, I'm setting new rules for my weight loss presents list. It's long and it has specific presents for various weights, right? Well, it's good to hold myself too that, but I haven't bought any manga and it's been a year since I started wanting to learn Japanese. For someone obsessed with anime like me, it's ESSENTIAL that I make MANGA part of my Japanese learning!!!!!

Hah. Okay.

Well, I bought the first and second Kuroshitsuji manga, and I don't really feel guilty about it. I really needed a pick me up. I'm going to remember this for next time: it is very important that I take care of my money and watch where it's going and save when I need to. However, I also need to make sure I don't restrict myself too ridiculously, either. I'm allowing myself to change the list and buy things ahead of time as needed, but when possible, to hold off buying and instead accomplish my goals first! C:

My "presents" for each goal is a fabulous idea, but I have been letting myself get carried away. I have a box on my shelf from Christmas that I haven't let myself open; in it, (along with books, movies, calendars for 2011... I just realized I should be using that o.o ... jewelry) I know I have a Nintendo lite DS I got for myself with which I could start learning some kanji-- but I haven't allowed myself to open that until I get a job.

I CAN DO THAT. So I'm okay with that restriction; that goal is within my reach-- within my power. As long as I keep the following in perspective, I'll be all right: I need to know what I'm capable of, and when I'm afraid, which of the two kinds of fear it is: a fear of something I can't handle, or the fear of my self not being able to handle it.

Dealing With Fear: Resolutions.

DEALING WITH FEAR:

I don't face fear well at all. It's how I am-- and on a spectrum, I am on the far, far, far, other side of the spectrum as a person who DOESN'T face fears.

Facing fears feels really really good afterwards.

Start smaller, if you need to try something that you're scared to try, do something smaller instead.

When I'm anxious, I can think about the people that care about me and build myself UP emotionally with that and my own positive praise.

Building on the last one, try finding spots in the Bible that help with encouragement, anything would be good, and then I can refine it to my favorites. I need some kind of base for encouragement and anime is good for immediate emotional soothing, but it doesn't encourage motivation because it doesn't encourage me personally. It's a creative inspiration, not a personal inspiration.

There was another direct way to successfully encounter fear (and leave that battle uninjured) that I thought of right before I read those cards from mom, what was it? uruurrr try and remember, anyway.

I THOUGHT OF IT!!! XD (Please note in regard to this idea: events outside of your control are different, and that means a different kind of fear.)

You don't have to be afraid of something you don't really have to do. You don't ever HAVE to do anything, and if you feel like you "have to" it's because you CHOSE to make yourself do it, not because you actually have to. When you're afraid, don't feel bad... but remember this.

:..( JOURNEY :)

I think when I watch anime I need to be careful to enjoy each episode, as in, enjoying the journey, not the end (as long as it's a good anime) instead of hurrying to finish, to see what happens.

I don't usually like that way of thinking. I love finishing things, or I don't start. I call it being lazy. But I think it's more complex than that. It makes me afraid to start anything.

I don't get it, but... if I thought this way I'd be able to go do other things before finishing this or that. It's very distracting to feel like I have to finish tasks before moving on to something else. I'm afraid... fear overtakes me.

Boy, do I have a complex, or what!?!?

Enjoy the journey.... a good life motto for solving the problem of laziness, a.k.a. loss of motivation.

I was listening to this while I wrote. :) It's so weird, do you get it? I guess it's from something, that's why I don't know.

This post is making me happy. Good thoughts I'm having.

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

So... if I was giving myself self-counseling, instead of going to someone, which is my preference :) here's what I would tell myself. I'm writing these things because they're essential to my getting a life, and if I remembered them I think it would solve everything.

1. I have anxiety, and once it starts, I don't know how to stop it, and so it gets worse.
2. I get anxious when I am afraid and I can't face something-- usually a decision that I'm afraid to make-- and so I avoid it. I'm very good at avoiding things, but when I do that, I am often literally acting like a child. First, I might hide from the problem (under my bed, in closets, or by sleeping or entertaining myself with a book or anime) or I might make stupid arguments, and get defensive when it's really my fault and I don't need to make excuses, I need to take action.

Something else interesting: I realized the other day. When someone is hiding from a decision (to take action) with bad habits and/or addictions, it doesn't mean that they're not strong enough or they don't "want" to meet their goals "badly enough". It's just that avoiding a decision is a completely different thing than saying YES or NO. It is in-between, and that in itself is what makes it so easy. You're not giving up-- you're pressing pause on the problem. So you can effectively forget about the problem without feeling guilty because you're still "planning" on taking care of it later.

I'm not weak for avoiding the problem, I'm not even thinking about the problem-- I'm not even trying. Sure, I might be weak initially because I was afraid, but that's a smaller weakness than a weakness that would mean I'm not strong enough to make a future for myself. If I give it my best, and truly try, and THEN I don't make it, THAT'S when I'm not strong enough.

Maybe I'm a little afraid to go there... to really try. But "trying" is a scary word because it encompasses the starting, the journey, and the end result-- I'm looking at the picture in too much of a general, large way. I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

SUCCESS AGAIN!

I did it. I made it to class, and I was LATE AND I EVEN WENT IN.

I NEVER go into class anymore even if I'm one minute late. Of course that sounds ridiculous, probably, but I'm very obsessive-- not about being early-- but that if I'm late I am too scared to go in. I hate that part where you open the door with a loud click, everyone's face turns towards you, and they regard you... thinking one thing or another, and the teacher glances at you ***uuugh shuudder***

Anyway, so I went in even though I was late. The teacher is totally nice and was like, "Hi Cara" in this sort of side-ways way.

Okay, it helped that I stood outside the door in pain a minute, which was long enough for anohter late person to join me. The door was locked, we knocked, and the professor let us in.

*WHEW* !!! Next time, I HAVE to go in even if I'm by myself.

;)

The class content was, for once, something I listened to closely,(good because it was very essential info) and I feel prepared to start my homework. There is a lot, though, so I have to be careful that I pick what to do, priority-wise.

Discovery

Yes. I was trying to change myself too much.

Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.

I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.

It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.

I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.

So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?

I'm okay

I'm okay, everything's fine. I'm just really focusing. I'm not sure I can do this.

Sometimes I get afraid like that. I just have to change the way I do things. It just feels like I'll never be able to do it. It takes so long... and it's all I can write about, too. :)

Writing here has helped a lot. I think I've refined my ideas down quite well. Tomorrow I have to do better.

Oh, I got a fish! He is a betta. I named him Kiichigo, or きいちご, for his deep raspberry red color. He hasn't looked too happy lately, but it IS only the first day.

I'm so tired.

Career Turmoil! Lovely Parents Give Advice that Conflicts! Shall I Choose My Own?

Talking with my dad about career options is a really difficult task. I mean, when it comes to gaining confidence and everything. for some reason, the foremost thing in his (and my mom's, too) mind is money. Money, money, money. And it makes sense, sure, because they want me to be able to support myself. I get that. But they're taking it too far. They seem to think that MOST JOBS won't make enough money unless it's something relating to health care.

Or maybe... maybe that's not it. It might be that right now, as I'm trying to choose my career, they need me to have confidence in my decision, and since I don't, it makes them nervous and they're doing their "part" in worrying for me-- OVERTIME.

It's sweet, but it's not helping. I need good, solid advice that tells the truth without all this. They're forgetting that the world has many careers to offer and just because they don't know about all those opportunities doesn't mean I won't be able to attain one of those career options that they don't have as much experience about. It must scare them to imagine me going out into the world and getting a job that they can't help me with-- something like interpreting or teaching music is more foreign to them and they can't imagine me doing well only because they don't know about it.

Does that make sense? I think that's what the problem is.

For me, it's very difficult to argue with them on this point (should I or shouldn't I choose this or that career....) because their point about the importance of job security and financial security is quite valid. What if they're right?  I don't even know, myself, if I can be successful with any line of work that isn't a straight path to a job, like health care. Most other careers are less secure because you get educated for them, but then the job options are variable and miscellaneous and not necessarily what you had in mind.

For instance, a career in linguistics would be where you learn about the forms of language, grammar, and patterns. You can be a teacher or a researcher in various institutions for schools and companies that do research. But when you get an education like that, you can't really be sure where or what your job will be like-- whether you'll start as an assistant, or you'll be typing up papers, or doing research in "the field"-- the type of jobs available are various. The same thing goes for other jobs. There are more options. And since both my parents went into health care, having more options is weird and scary and unknown for me.

Health care, on the other hand, is  stress-free in the respect that it leads directly to a job. You get a degree to be a doctor? You go apply to hospitals and be a doctor. You train to be a physical therapist? Go work in a nursing home, hospital, PT clinic, or other institution that hires physical therapists. Nursing, radiology, dentistry, optometry, pharmacy-- it's all basically the same-- health care education LEADS DIRECTLY to a job (that pays enough money to be moderately comfortable).

And I think that's what scares me, and what causes my parents to act this way. Health care careers are what they understand, and they don't know what it will be like for me if I choose something else, so they're worried. My dad seems to think that he has to start considering when to make me move out of the house-- which is understandable-- but he says this based on the idea that it is going to take me six to eight years to start making money.

I don't understand his reasoning!! I will eventually be able to move out and start working, at least as an accompanist, and pay for my own rent and all that. It will be hard, but I think I can do it. Daddy doesn't need to doubt me so much. It is soooo frustrating.

But I decided to write a post because I had (well, I was asking God what to do, and he told me this) a thought-- "Your parents' belief in you isn't what is going to help you do well in the world." I don't have to get their approval!! It's kind of disappointing to say out loud, since I really like that idea of "believing" in other people, as a philosophy. But in the end, you can't expect the people around you, as supportive and loving as they are, to ever COMPLETELY understand you. And in my case, at least, I can't expect my family to support me with their beliefs in me.

Of course, I haven't been very successful in life, by outside appearances and normal standards (making money, being able to move out) and it's no wonder they don't trust me. But regardless of that, it's still very difficult for me to make this sort of decision when their advice is so cleanly slicing at my confidence. I mean, I nearly, NEARLY agreed with them a few times there. My mom and dad's advice about careers is good, for the most part, but when it comes to actually PICKING a career, I have to pick it for MY OWN reason.

I am learning, slowly, that I have to make this decision, myself. I'm on my own. The more I realize that, the more I can make it true.

I think that because my parents are having such trouble trusting me, and because I let that affect how I feel, it might be GOOD for me to move out when it's actually possible. That might mean that after I save up enough money to start those music classes, I should move to the area where we have a state college here, and start living at the college while I take the classes. If I do that, I can start my music-associated career (playing piano for events and possibly teaching privately) in order to pay my own bills.

So next thing on the list is...: make a lot of money this year so I have some to pay for college classes while I'm working... to pay for rent. Also, work on my studies so that I can audition for music scholarships and apply for regular scholarships.

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!! :) :) :)

Depressed.

 When my dad comes into my room and asks what I'm doing about looking for another job, then tells me not to waste my time, (he found me watching TV on my laptop,) I get very upset inside. Upset, like... sad, worried, discouraged, and especially-- lost.

I don't know how to handle criticism and helpful advice, do I? :)

I'm letting myself worry about all these tasks I have ahead of me, during the next week (and tomorrow). I look at all those tasks, all at once, and my range of vision isn't wide enough. So I freak out, and hide by doing something unrelated, like watching TV.

(Plus there's this thing where my sleep schedule is messed up and I can't sleep at night, so I sleep in the afternoon. It's my fault, I think, so "can't" is an incorrect word. But it worries and frustrates me, and it's hard to be "on track" with tasks I need to finish when I'm not awake during the day.)

But it helps to read my past diary entries. I just have to remind myself to:

- quit doubting in myself...

and--

- focus on small tasks!

:) OKAY. I'm good!! I think I'll go to sleep in an hour. I worked out a lot today, and I will probably be able to sleep.
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Response to "On being forgotten"

I think I know what it is that is frightening about being forgotten.

Maybe... being forgotten can be equated with being dead; no one notices you're there and you can't interact or connect with other humans. Those you love and who love you are so far away from you that you can't see or hear them. You're lonely; but even more than that, it's like you don't exist--you're GONE. Perhaps, this feels like DEATH.

Or death as we might imagine it, anyway. Death isn't something we understand, so it's not only depressing, but terribly frightening in its unknowable-ness. Mmmmmm.