Thinking different

Certain types types of thinking are needed for different situations!

When it’s time to do my homework, I think abstractly, in circles. Not in points. I worry about how large the task is and edge up to it, like a scared animal making sure it’s safe.

I know that when deadlines approach, I am so much better at focusing on the target and getting the task done quickly because the due time is more imminent (unless I’m freaking out, of course…) It would be so great if I could control my attitude internally, instead of needing external motivation! This is part of the reason we all need school; but what happens when you aren’t motivated by those due dates anymore? It happens. I have to keep from feeling depressed and sad by the impending energy I have to pull out of nowhere to meet deadlines.

It helps that I love my future profession, and I’m doing it for God, but I often LITERALLY FORGET how fun it’s going to be, and how fun it CAN be even as I’m studying and learning (an ongoing and never-ending process in Music Therapy, I’ve heard)! My teachers have to remind me to say, “I GET to do this!”

My new voice teacher told me this phenomenally helpful tidbit — she advised me that I’m doing this to help others heal, gain energy, etc, and ultimately have FUN. Therefore, I get to have fun, too! This is a good thing. It’s not selfish, it will be a natural part of enjoying what my clients will be enjoying.

My type of thinking, when it’s time to do homework, is generally not appropriate. My usual thinking is good for philosophizing, for abstract thinking, for long discussions into the night and making new theories about science and understanding God. For doing homework, I can change my thinking, I know I can! 

When I have a homework assignment I need to do, I need to imagine it’s due sooner than it actually is, so I can get started closer to the bull’s eye.

In fact, that’s sort of a good analogy… how about that… I imagine a giant circle (my brain’s target area) is the place where I’m throwing my darts. But it’s not going to hit the mark if I settle for maintaining that giant circle as my target throwing space.

Instead, can I hone my focus a little, a bit more, or a lot more? How can I tighten the circle until it’s more zoomed in and smaller around the target?

Imagine it’s due sooner. Imagine it being due right away. What is most important? Avoid rabbit trailing yet again by keeping this in mind and going back to it— what is most important?

NO WORRIES, GUYS!!! ;) 頑張りましょう、ね

Long (and Only) Version of How I Can Use my Time Carefully.

I noticed the other day that my life is centered around wandering around the house. Wherever I end up-- the kitchen, the computer room, the living room, my room-- usually ends up reminding me of an activity I could do. So instead of going to the living room to practice piano, I wander by the piano and HAPPEN to stop and play.

This is bad! I think... basically, I am not owning my actions-- I don't take responsibility and get done what I need to, commanding myself etc etc) instead, I just let whatever happens happen.

I say "bad" not because I need to change my habits, but that I wasn't aware of this, and I could be dealing with this... just a little differently. Here's how!

Problem Solver If I had an activity for each room of the house, and set an item in a place I'll remember (like a book, for example) that signifies that activity, that would help me accomplish my tasks instead of side ones that I don't need to do (like solitaire, reading new books instead of one's I've already started, or forgetting that I wanted to study, and going to my room to watch anime, when I just FINISHED doing that twenty minutes ago).

Interesting, right? Now, it's important that I go about my day with a sort of task list in my head (when I'm feeling task-less) and TRY to follow it. But when I DO have free time, it would be great to fit in progressive activities instead of solitaire-like activities. Does that make sense? (I'm trying to call them progressive, as in progress, instead of useful, because relaxing IS useful, so I don't want to be overly negative, it's just relaxing doesn't necessarily provide actual progress, which really is okay.)

These activities include lots of things (Japanese, piano, music studies, bible studies, meditation practice, simple prayer, working out, cleaning house, taking with family). A few of these things-- working out, cleaning house, and talking with fmaily00 are easier because of exactly what I've explained: the activity is "easy to access or "available" because as I wander around the house, they present themselves.

I also perform an activity well when I am stuck doing it. If I find a way to make myself comfortable or stuck (ribbon!) doing any of these activities (without it being something that makes me sleep, if that would be a problem) then that is a good way for me to make the most progress before getting up to do something else.

Implementation: Have checklists in the rooms of the house for activities I do at certain times: this includes pills, flossing, all those little things that I have to make sure not to forget.Some of them I always remember (birth control) other ones I forget or deny (flossing) and others I frequently or almost always never do, no matter how heavy on my mind it is (exercise, quitting anime) when ALL of these things I need to be doing daily. This will help me be successful. These are the little things. I can do this.

Directions.   * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hole-punch the papers, so I can "consolidate" in a sort of "review" of how I've done, then put them back in place afterwards. They need to try and stay in their places, so I'll make photocopies or versions 1, 2, 3 etc. for ones that will be used for writing on (chap 3 today, date, like that!). The room is [in brackets here]. For large activities that need to have uniqueness to a room, keep it that way. For activities that need to be multiple room,s make it that way. There are a lot of rules to make, so observe how they're ordered.

Books that I'm reading will have to be floating around the house, since I don't have more than one. I'll try and make my studies movable, but I may get distracted by having to go find a book or other item. It's important that I don't let this keep me from getting something done; I can do a little focusing, at least. (Think list in head! Two at a time is okay.)

[bathroom]2000: floss | brush |face |weight (other paper, incorporate when I finish it, or take apart and stick on new? or something) |

[my room][computer rm] Japanese - 2-10 kanji avg.
[us+ds] piano - 1 hr sug.
[us+ds] music studies - 1 hour, 1 chapter, 1 page sug.
[under the bed][in the bathroom][in bed][on couch] bible studies - 15", 1 chapter sug.
[my closet][coat closet][outside][outside][roof][multiple places not already used - post-its] meditation practice (+ side wake up message) (if one particular place develops, use that for a record sheet, unless that disrupts my practice, which it shouldn't but it might.)
[my room] simple prayer
[my room] working out

wake up on all messages

[kitchen] cleaning house
[kitchen] read a book!
[ds kitchen] walk dog

[desk] work stuff
[desk] finances, bills, mail stuff

Remember! The aim of all this over-done-ness is to make it become habit, so that means I actually have to keep doing this "overdoneness" continually, on, and on, and on. It won't end, but it will become easier-- more like habit-- think of it like taking pills. Continually.

For all this stuff, I'm going to implement it with post its, mostly. Some of the items (activities designated for rooms, I mean) will be papers with blanks for the date so I can record what I did. But for a simple reminder like meditation, I'm going to use a certain color of post it to remind me, and place them in all the places of each room or place that I might think to meditate in. Eventually, I'll have an activity or activities for each room, while avoiding any major conflicts (like music study and Japanese study) and every time I go anywhere in my house, I can choose to fill my time with progressive activity, or relax-ive activity.

Most importantly, I can't be worrying about doing something if I don't want to. One drawback to this entire thing is that I might start to mistake all these notes over the house as another one of my schemes to externally motivate myself, and I'll rebel against that and it'll get weird. I'll be naturally relaxing away from a task, then see the reminder and feel like I'm forcing myself to do something without regard to respect-- but it's a reminder, and I AM THE ONE in control of myself, because what I do I take responsibility for. When I forget this, the plan will backfire because I will avoid responding to it. OBSERVE and think ABOUT the situation objectively. Do your best, and separate my SELF from my actions. This is weird but exactly what I mean: "Don't take your actions personally or to heart." My actions do not make me-- mistaking that is unfair and wrong as inverted gravity. Let go of the later and the before and live in now. Nothing can change the fact that God made me how I am and HE MEANT IT.

I also have some unrelated ideas about weight loss, so I'm going to make another post for that.

Gameshows Tell You the Truth Right Away!

Focusing on one thing in life is more useful for me. I am always trying to tell myself (I plan and think a lot but don't DO it, mostly) that I need to start (keyword: *start*) studying Japanese regularly, studying music regularly, etc etc. Those are good things, but I have to PRIORITIZE, meaning, pick one to go crazy over.

Right now, I feel that losing weight would change my entire life. I'm letting my weight change how I feel about myself. I could either get over it, or I could actually lose weight. I think the latter option is the best one, but it will only become possible when I start making it my mission in my tiny little life right here. Until I do that, I won't get closer to being happy.

But even better, some of this will come in time. I can be focusing intensely on losing weight, without neglecting other major types of focus like Japanese or religion. These things happen; I'll become internally motivated on accident-- I won't have to make myself. I've noticed it happens sometimes. But until it does or even when it doesn't, I should try and focus on usually just one thing at a time that I think is most important in my life-- a driving sort of force of learning... or education.

Other things need to be part of my life, not as a driving force, but as a living force, like breathing, a peaceful habit-- things that are necessary, such as: not lying down all day, prayer, eating, working (I'll have to work on that one, it's unknown territory) taking pills on-time, and sleeping regularly.

Another thing-- awareness is the same as telling the truth. I lie to myself all the time, really! Mindfulness is going to help me. After watching some of Fullmetal Alchemist, I thought about the flow of life idea-- that it's bad to assume you're above it, and try to change it.

I don't agree with tons of stuff in anime, spiritually and religiously, but it presents so many beautiful ideas! Really, there are many things animes have taught and are still teaching me. Anyway, I tie this to Fullmetal Alchemist by explaining that I thought I was above my life, above making decisions, even, as if, since I will be successful in the future, what I do now doesn't matter, because I'm perfect. EEERRRRRMP! WRONG!

Anyway, I've been telling myself things that aren't true, and imagining that I'm doing okay when I'm not. If I haven't succeeded at something, I may never. I always hope that somehow I'll be famous someday, and beautiful, and terribly skinny, and have awesome reflexes, and create amazing, strong bonds of friendship and love with people in the world... but these are all in my imagination. I can't just expect that I'm an amazing person-- I have to accept who I am and try and live.

:..( JOURNEY :)

I think when I watch anime I need to be careful to enjoy each episode, as in, enjoying the journey, not the end (as long as it's a good anime) instead of hurrying to finish, to see what happens.

I don't usually like that way of thinking. I love finishing things, or I don't start. I call it being lazy. But I think it's more complex than that. It makes me afraid to start anything.

I don't get it, but... if I thought this way I'd be able to go do other things before finishing this or that. It's very distracting to feel like I have to finish tasks before moving on to something else. I'm afraid... fear overtakes me.

Boy, do I have a complex, or what!?!?

Enjoy the journey.... a good life motto for solving the problem of laziness, a.k.a. loss of motivation.

I was listening to this while I wrote. :) It's so weird, do you get it? I guess it's from something, that's why I don't know.

This post is making me happy. Good thoughts I'm having.

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

Edit3

more things for studying improvement:

1. pick JUST ONE THING to focus on, and DO NOT imagine doing the other parts. Even tell yourself that you don't have to do any other parts.

2. start this process earlier.

I got 人間失格 in the mail today! (You say "Ningen Shikkaku" or "No Longer Human"). I didn't buy it from Japan, but that's where it came from, so it's ALL in Japanese. I'm not going to be able to read it thoroughly for at least a year, I'm pretty sure, but it's inspiration at least. I can also look at it and find kanji that I've learned already. It's quite a lot of fun when that happens.

Trick me to do hmwk!

So, I've discovered even more details on how to get myself to study when I don't want to (I REALLY have trouble actually starting).

I guess, for me, that studying is easier when I start while doing something else. Like, I don't mind studying if I started while I was eating, because I feel like I'm doing something useful that I want to be doing, and by the time I've been working on homework for a while, I've already started and I have the need to finish. But sometimes I just don't want to start and I haven't been able to get over it until I thought of this way.

Also, right now I'm going to start while snacking and listening to music in my room, at my desk. But first, I'm going to put a rubber band on my chair leg, attaching a ribbon, then tie my leg to the chair in a bow. This will remind me not to leave until the homework is finished. If I do leave, I have to come back ASAP.

This will at least help me get some better habits that result in better grades. I may never cultivate a habit of studying regularly just to study, but if I can devise a sort of way to trick myself into doing it because I'm doing something else at the same time, it's a different things than just "studying regularly" but still accomplishes basically the same thing.

* ** *    *   * * *          *   * *    **   *   *  *Bleeww Stars * ** *    *   * * *          *   *    **   *   *  *

I'm slowly straightening my life out. My problems.. I guess... are not being able to finish any tasks, not having a good source of income, and not living in a scheduled sort of way.

I think what I need to do differently is to make sure that I finish the really obvious things first: that means my homework and getting enough sleep. Not having enough moolah hasn't killed me yet because I make enough to pay rent (but I do need a better job). So those things are things I will PRIORITIZE.

Also, it really HELPS!!! me to write down a broken-down list of one task (like cleaning my room) or in my head (for a homework assignment). After breaking those things down, I focus ONLY ONLY ONLY on one item, and when I finish that one, I can move on to the next one. If I get distracted, it's okay, and I can also take breaks, but I have to come BACK to that one item, not get distracted and move on to some other item or even another task.

This idea helps because my brain doesn't normally break things down and stay with the small broken-down parts, I just think, "Ohhh so much stuff. I'll go do something else... first... or maybe I'll just do this later, whenever that might be!! Maybe I'll wait until the end of the world... or sometime before or after--........"

I also know for a fact that I study better when I'm stuck somewhere or in a place without distractions, like (specifically) a car. So I'm going to try and make study spaces-- in my closet and under my bed, also my couch, and maybe elsewhere in the house if possible, and see what works.

Here are some things that I'm going to be doing and want to remember to do! (To simplify my life and get the stuff done that's necessary for succeeding in school and becoming confident.)

* rubberband a ribbon to my chair leg!
* clean out my closet-- table!
* keep working on task completion each day, one @ a time [piano, bible, japanese, exercise, homework, sleep]
* put pink-purple-white under desk!
      throw away/give away=> rearrange
      pc + couch + bed
      bookcase ~ studying
* do hmwk + sleep 1st so I can say YES to work as a fulltime job. (if it doesn't become FT, look 4 something else, esp. something that I could lose weight doing OR is really easy, or the other.)