Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Life Goals and Priorities

Alrighty. So, I'm been waiting, and procrastinating a lot, for about a year. I think I want to stop doing that. Procrastination is like giving up in the moment, while promising yourself that you'll do it "later" but "later" doesn't really mean anything. So procrastination is just giving up, since you can't say that you really WILL do the thing you need to do, ever, until you actually do it.

Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.

1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.

2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often

3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day

4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.

5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance

Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!

I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.

Today... Let me See....

I woke up late after being exhausted from yesterday's workout! Eleven hours of sleep, I think. So I skipped exercising today, and I also ended up skipping piano.

I am NOT a multi-tasker! Not naturally, anyway... :-[

But I DID study 29 kanji. I'm about to review them next :)

And when I was busily studying away, perhaps a little too busily in that I was ignoring the people around me, my mom and me got in an "argument" or whatever one would call something like that.

(I use words relating to "argument" so much that I just get sick of any similar words, but I don't know what else to use...)

ARGUMENT.

Mom was telling me things she understands about our family - why my brother does things he does, why Alice does things she does. Mom was explaining her opinion on what should be done about the negative things. (Teddy teasing a female friend and hurting her feelings, Alice... ☺ not emptying her trash because she doesn't want to waste trashbags, and cooking smelly meat in our vegetarian house.) I didn't like some of the words Mom used - calling Teddy "clueless" or the conversation about Alice when she might be able to hear us. I shouldn't have bothered Mom when her words are her own choice, but I interrupted anyway.

My mom is very inspired, she could be a psychologist or a writer with her interest in people and intuitive, confident sense into the situation they're in.

But I sometimes get tired of all this analysis. Sometimes I want to plug my ears at the endless flow of ideas and reasonings my mother comes up with. Even more so a problem is that I find myself defending these people my mom talks about when she was never criticizing them in the first place. I suppose, deep inside, that I consider analysis criticism in itself.

My defense of Mom's subjects upsets her - she doesn't think of them as subjects. To her, what's she's doing is problem-solving. She tends to get involved in other people's lives, and doesn't give up. It's a form of helping others, this problem-solving. And she's not a bystander - when given the chance, she helps others at all possible times - grocery carrying, bills, money for music lessons, a hug, words of appreciation and encouragement, conversation - she does, literally, everything she can.

So this evening when I defended the people she was speaking of, she was hurt. She needed me to listen to her, and I ended up scolding her for her "gossiping" and "unkind words" - things she never did.

I tried to apologize after I thought of it this way, but it was too late. She left the house to buy milk in tears, feeling that she should have spoken her thoughts aloud, saying that I can't understand adult conversation and she needs an adult to talk to. Door SLAM!!

The idea of me not being an adult is inappropriate, since I am an adult and she could instead say something like 1) she shouldn't talk about something I want to stop talking about OR 2) she should keep her thoughts to herself.

But either way, I tried to force my apology on her. I don't know if she just wasn't able to forgive me, maybe because she needed to stay mad for her own sanity, or because I shouldn't have forced it... probably both. I'll have to remember to apologize not at that moment but waaay after the end of the fight. Just because our brains work fast (mom and me) doesn't mean accepting an apology is a fast process! :)

Here's what I recorded on my phone immediately after our argument, when I realized I was in the wrong and should have been listening to her instead of scolding:

"We say things to each other that bothers the other person, and I say, well how am I supposed to communicate that to you without actually saying it? Why can't you just let me say what I want, am I not allowed to speak?" But you should find a better way to do it-- speak while checking what you're saying from their perspective. Don't just say, "Oh, I needed to talk, to explain how I feel--" because if it doesn't get through to them, it's pointless to explain any of that, and they WILL misunderstand you and possibly get mad or hurt. No matter what the situation is, you have to find a way to effectively communicate to them what you want to say, or you may as well keep quiet.

But if you're just trying to vent, which is a different thing, then the other person needs to listen for that. But if it has to do with something that involves the other person, you can't just vent and say whatever you want because it involves them personally. BUT, when you're on the listening/receiving side of the talking, and it doesn't involve you, don't get mad about it, it's not your job."

That last part, where it says the person on the receiving side shouldn't get mad, was me. I was getting upset with my mom about something that I shouldn't have worried about, she wasn't talking about me. I mean, mostly she didn't. Sometimes she's not always sensitive to me, but it's okay, there's always going to be a few wrinkles in relating to other people.

Some other stuff I thought about today:

While watching Synchronicity, (click for youtube vid) - "Look at everyone like they can be characters of their own story, poor, rich, all essential-- not to a part in a story, but to another whole world in which they are the main character-- the hero." 

From yesterday, that I forgot to write: "Get a job to be responsible, this is a role I know I can fill, so there's not reason not to approach it with confidence."

Accepting! Running for your Life!

I got up this morning at 10:30-ish. I had boring breakfast and stuffed myself. I've gotten really hungry for milk lately, I eat it with chocolate or strawberry mix. I think it helps me lose weight because I drink it and BAM! there's half my stomach filled, but it acts as protein and builds and heals my exercised muscles. Cool, right? And it tastes so yummy.　But I get a lot of sugar, too... so if I when I am not working out, I avoid that, haha.

... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.

Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.

Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?

GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--

When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.

I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy. 

The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.

I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)

決める

「きめる」

kimeru

to decide

 

夢

「ゆめ」

yume

dream

 
午後三時です。

「ごごさんじです」  

gogo sanji desu

it's three p.m.

  

夜明けに

「よあけに」  

yoa ke ni  

at dawn

午前十二時です。

「ごぜんじゅうにじです」

gozen juuniji desu

it's twelve a.m. 

They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)

So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!

Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)

IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal

all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -

Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.

But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW. 

In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.

If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)

That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.

Acceptance lets you love and respect someone, but it adds something else. When you accept someone, you accept them completely and whole. Teddy, I don't just accept that you're you as you are-- but I know that you CAN become a better you-- if there is one. I have NO doubt you can fly, you can make whatever you want, go wherever you want, do what you can, be the best you--- I believe in you.♥

A change of family atmosphere!

アニメ Minus Subtitles: Listening

I've been watching random animes on the internet lately that don't have subtitles. Sometimes it helps me listen to the Japanese better, and I also don't have to be looking at the screen, because I won't be able to "listen" either better either way, so I can do something else at the same time. Like, right now, I'm playing a special from Harukanaru Toki no naka de. (There are a lot of "related" shows for that one, it's confusing!!!)

Anyway, I notice a lot of things when I listen instead of watch, or at least watch without subtitles. It's kind of fun!

Boundaries: I'm Extending Too Far?

Also while under the subject of "listening", I'll mention ramble on at length about something new I'm doing. My mom and I were yelling and arguing with each other yesterday (Friday) and she said things that I actually listened to. I realized she's been trying to tell me things for a very long time, but I was just never listening. So that (listening) is something I need to do differently (more often). She was telling me how frustrated she is with how I respond to her sometimes. Mom will ask me to do something, or tell me to, or tell me not to do something. This might be to do the dishes, walk the dog, run an errand, quit filling the sink up with unsanitary raw egg drippings, or fetch her something, and usually it's important that I do it right THEN, or it's at least time-oriented. To that, I might argue, or argue about the methods, or say "after I've said no, you shouldn't cross the boundary by ordering me around further. Let me be in control of my own actions."

My Mother's Feelings

Although I had felt that my actions were justifiable, I suppose that maybe that isn't the point. I need to try to help keep peace around the house, more than I need to get people to do what I want or allow me to do what I want. I don't have to have everything my way, I mean, see?

No matter what my someone, my mother especially, asks me to do, it isn't worth it for me to cause an argument. That doesn't matter, if I truly want to stay in the house and live with everyone, and as a part of the family. I'm not treating them like I'm a part of them, I'm acting like I don't care and they're not connected to me (as family).

I ALSO need to remember that I mustn't expect to be listened to. Sometimes mom doesn't listen to me, just like I don't listen to her. It's normal to want to be heard, and in that process, you end up speaking while NOT listening to the other person. And when the other person doesn't listen to what you're trying to say, you never stop to listen, and then each person will never be satisfied because they haven't been heard, so they won't stop to listen to the other... kind of like war... and so it never stops.

So when I'm blabbering on about how I feel, I have to stop and say to myself, "Don't expect to be listened to. Blabbering WILL make it worse. Listen first, and if the other person seems ready to listen, then speak." Mostly, in my family, I'm going to need to do a lot of listening, and not speaking. It's really okay, I've argued enough that I've caused a lot of discord and really stressed everybody out.

Actually, that's what my mom was trying to explain, so far as I can tell, this is what she meant:
Cara, you are using your "sense of independence" against me illogically. You aren't acting like part of the family (though she didn't put it this way, this is how I understand it), you're acting like a rude house border who thinks she's got rights in areas that she completely doesn't. Your family and the people in charge of it are to be respected more than anyone else you know, and you're treating us like you're not even related to us. It's no wonder that we suggest you don't live here anymore, you don't seem to want to be part of the atmosphere anyway.

I've been hurting my mother's sense of command, too, and treating her rudely (rudely, as in, out of place, as if she doesn't have a right to tell me what to do, and it's belittling to her) and it's really caused serious damage to our relationship. I had been thinking that everything was going to be okay, but really, I need to change how I'm acting, take responsibility for my actions that relate to the way I treat my family, and accept my position as a daughter, who helps out when she's needed but accepts commands from mother and father. (Good for self-control, self-learning, introversion improvement.)

Giving Advice to Teddy

My little brother, who I'm worried about not having good diligence (studying and chores, sometimes) isn't going to change by me telling him what to do. If I do say anything, he doesn't believe me because I'm a bad example (REALLY) and it's also a bad thing because he doesn't feel like he has a lot of control over the things he actually does have control over. So I can't try to take control for him and expect that to be effective. I also can't try and change the way my mom raises him. The only thing I can do is be an example and listen to how he feels when we're around each other. No more giving unwanted advice from me, only action and responsibility for MYSELF will be taken!

Teddy-Arguments: telling me what to do, and then the pointless ones.

My brother likes to tell me what to do (like my parents actually have a right to, but he doesn't). He likes to be in control, and sometimes he makes requests that I haven't considered his territory, but mine. But maybe I'm holding on to my pride too much. What a waste of time! It's causing so much dispute in my family. I can't fix everything wrong that goes on in my family, but I can do MY part. I have to stop arguing with everybody. I don't need to take part in that anymore. We CAN find another way to communicate-- one that feels better.


Sometimes Teddy does this arguing-for-fun thing-- he'll tease, then actually say something accusatory for no reason at all. It goes like this.


Cara: Yum, toast.
Teddy: what are you LOOKING AT???!

That's the point where I could decide not to answer. It takes a lot of self control! Haha :) I'm used to answering his questions. We get in to silly debates (also slapping wars, wrestling matches, and chasing-ea.-other-around-house-yelling-or-sneaking-around-trying-2-scare-ea.-other-games). These silly debates sound like this:


Cara: so I learned today that "damn it" in Japanese is NOT ChikuSA, but ChikuSHO. You were wrong!
Teddy: YOU are absolutely WRONG. You can NEVER be right. Baka.

Cara: Well, I looked it up on Google translator. And I've watched way more anime than you.

Teddy: Well, how do you know that? How do you KNOW you've watched more anime than me?

Cara: Umm... well, you don't literally have enough time to watch as much as me. Because you go to school all day, practice two hours of violin, and you also play hours and hours of Xbox. Where would you have time? I never see you watching.

Teddy: How do you KNOW? You know NOTHING.

Cara: uhhhh---

Let me think, what should I do? As you can see, I have bad arguing tactics, and I don't speak the single strongest statement, but try to win by saying tons of things, which he uses against me. If I do actually make a statement that would help me win, Teddy says something irrational and nonsensical.

But even more, our arguments don't really have a point, and it doesn't matter who wins. They also are very annoying and loud for the other people living in our house. We're totally immature... but besides that, they would stop if I just didn't answer him. I've gotten used to doing that a little but, but sometimes I do argue. So I'm going to work on not answering when I see it is a pointless argument or one that Teddy won't be using real logic.

Real Implements to Make :)

1. For everyone in general, including my own benefit: Listen before you speak. Speak only if people really want to hear what you say. Basically, don't plan on saying anything. Just listen!

2. For Mom: have more respect for the people who are in charge. Make peace and harmony a priority. I'm to be like a submissive person, who lets other people tell me what to do most of the time, and only gives input when asked or when necessary.

3. For Teddy: listen, take action for myself and what I'm responsible for, and don't give unwanted advice.

4. Also: don't answer Teddy's illogical-ness. We can find something else fun to do besides arguing. Getting out of the habit completely is better; don't pretend that it's okay when no one is around to get annoyed. It's annoying to me, too. I don't have to participate. So don't answer at those times.

5. For me: respect myself, for myself. When I want to succeed at something (like losing weight, doing homework, practicing piano, WHATEVER--) I need STOP wondering what others think about me, and look through my OWN eyes and ask myself why I'm doing it and what I think and feel.

Epiphanies All Day!

Today, ALL OF A SUDDEN, when I was talking to my mom... I realized some things. And I became suddenly motivated, like, I don't know why!

I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!

I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.

But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.

But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.

1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)

2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.

3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.