On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

Shame isn't the problem?

I've got an idea about swimming. WAIT-- what am I talking about?!

I'm free-writing cara-style, so no editing allowed, and whatever I'm thinking.)

I had an idea about... get addicted to stuff. See, I get really addicted to anime, as in, I can watch, and watch, and watch, when I need to quit and do something else for a bit. Like... SLEEP, or HOMEWORK, or CHORES... you get what I mean, right? That kind of stuff.

But I think that "addiction" in this way isn't necessarily something I do because I "need" it, like I don't "need" to get away from my problems. Not at ALL times, anyway. YES, anime does help me get away from my problems and if I didn't use it for that, I might not have my problems.

But I'm CRAZY about anime. And it's helping me learn a language and that I can go to another country and that will change my life. It's not a bad thing. For me to associate anime solely with a negative thing like addiction is really wrong of me to do. It's blowing it out of proportion.

I DO have an addiction to anime, but that's only half of what anime "does" to me, the other half is good, like I just explained with learning Japanese, and that I like it.

So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative.

Is it possible that because of drugs and porn sites and alcohol and sex, people view things like this more negatively than it needs to be? Let's be realistic: what really is my problem: myself, or the internet that allows me to watch anime and TV?

What weakness should I be worried about?

I guess what I'm saying is... SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem.

'Cause like I say, when I diet, I can't just deny myself goodies and snacks. When I do that, (personally) I end up FOCUSING on those goodies and snacks I'm trying to avoid, and I lose control. I don't think it will help me to try and build a wall between myself an anime. Yes, I partly just don't want quit watching it a lot.

But I think I should focus instead on what I WANT to do - that's learn Japanese, music, exercise, and find a job. I really need to prioritize certain things in that list, but ... hahahha anyway.

One step at a time. And I quote myself for summary =^..^= 
"So I need to recognize how I am addicted to anime, and take control of that, since it's not the same as a physical addiction, and I can get better in only half an hour after one episode, it's not something I should view as negative. SHAME should not be my number one feeling here. It might be getting in the way of what is truly, realistically the solution to my problem."

Talking with my Dad.

I'm going to write to God today. Usually I write to my readers, but I don't really know how many readers I have and who they are, so I'm pretty bad at being communicative in their direction. So instead, when you read this, you can observe a prayer-conversation-something or other to the person I think created the universe (and did it because he wanted people to love and talk to). 'Course God is listening all the time anyway, so I really write to you also.

Dear Jesus,

Well. I just came downstairs from talking with Daddy. I am super upset after that, mostly feeling bad about myself, and even though technically I don't need to feel pathetic or crushed, I still do.

My situation has changed since earlier, whenever that was, like this: I lost my job, which I really was okay with because I didn't like it, but I didn't have any ambition to get a new one right after. I was in school then, also. But you know? I didn't do very well! Even though I was studying theory, I didn't turn in all the assignments because I let myself get overwhelmed and didn't prepare, and so I got behind and then I was scared to try and fix it. Can you help me out next time? I will prepare myself to let you take away my fear. You can strengthen me, I don't have to do it all myself. I'm sorry for being so silly.

I'm actually in a different frame of mind now - I want a job.

A month ago, before September began, somebody would ask me about my job searching progress and I didn't want to talk about it because I couldn't even face it myself-- avoiding it inside my own mind. But slowly, as my dad's "Sept. 1" deadline passed, I became motivated to do it on my own, and I actually wanted a job. I thought about how much school would cost and how I actually had a desire to make money. I haven't felt this way in a year, and the feeling continues, not just a short-term thing. This feeling WILL continue until I get a new job. I am ready now. So I'm applying online right now, and after I go through the government jobs available and any other options online, I'm going to look in the shopping center near my house. So I do have concrete plans. (I have to convince myself of this :)

I think Daddy knows I'm in a different frame of mind now, that I'm trying harder, more seriously. But he's still impatient. His impatience weighs on me. He has a very powerful worry muscle. I don't need his worry, because in the end it works against me.

Anyway, so that's what's new.

I get surprised that Daddy can make me so upset by telling me, "Cara, you need to learn to support yourself, before you do anything else."(He means I shouldn't be focusing on studying Japanese before I can support myself.)

(And some other stuff piled on ends up making me not cry, not just this sentence.)

"Well Daddy, that's like me telling you that I don't want to take care of you when you're old, so you had better be saving up for retirement. I mean, you WANT to do that already, don't you? I don't need to tell you that!"

(I'm trying to communicate that I WANT to support myself just as much as he wants me to support myself, but I might not have explained it well.)

I think this writing helps me, if anything else, to give myself some backbone, like a little support, made of my own opinion, so I know what I think, and other people's questions and ideas don't push me over. I am easily swayed, so I need to know what I think before they give me tons of ideas.

I'd like it if my dad recognized that I have good ideas if he would just let me "water" them. But he doesn't trust me. He sent me to an expensive private (religious) college that I loved, but I took random classes without direction and without focused studying for three years, resulting in mostly bad grades because I simply wasn't decisive and motivated. I wasted under ninety thousand dollars on that. I mean, a lot of the classes are OK and good for my generals. But Daddy brings this fact up and worries about it when he's trying to explain that I need to support myself, get a job, etc etc.

He's RIGHT! and I KNOW that. But it's been more than a year, and he's still worrying about it. I want him to acknowledge me now. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him like he's my employer or teacher. He needs to believe in me because I have his genes and I'm intelligent and capable. But like I said, he lost trust in me. So really, I may be asking something very difficult or quite impossible of him.

My parents' opinions matter to me. I don't have tons of friends, and the opinions of the ones I have don't matter to me as much as my parents' opinion. That's because my parents are like home base, my cornerstones. I just need a little bit of confidence. Their opinions affect my confidence so much.

But my dad overlooks this point because he wants me to acknowledge "Yes, I need to get a job. Yes, I will take your advice and choose a job/education in the healthcare field because it is reliable and it has a good market. Yes, I am hurrying to get a job as fast as I can."

I disagree with a lot of that statement. And besides, his ideas don't matter as much as mine; this is my life. Of course I should listen to his advice. But not if it eclipses an alternate future that I should also consider. I want him to listen and believe in me for a second. I feel like there's never a moment when he says, that's a good idea. I'm excited to see what you will do, Cara. And then trust me with my own future. Am I stupid? Am I retarted, and hopeless and directionless and passionless, so that you can't believe in me, even have a little bit of blind faith? That's what believing in someone is!!!! You don't have to have evidence of their capability.

I ask him to do that, and he says, "You don't need ME to believe in you--"

I don't remember what came after that. I suppose what I've done is destroy my Dad's faith-in-Cara ability. That isn't so good. I told him to believe in me while I was in college, and I continued to fail, and now he doesn't trust me... it makes sense.... but thinking about it this way only makes me depressed.

Anyway, I'm not sure and I'm confused. And massively irritated. There's nothing wrong with my ideas if I actually try them. It's terribly difficult to focus on anything after talking with him about these things. He worries so much, he worries for me, and then I feel less stress about the job-looking crap etc. and more about how pathetic I am.

Do you know how RIDICULOUS that is? Thinking I'm pathetic isn't going to help me get a job!!!

I'm serious. This is about my feelings. I get downstairs and try really hard not to cry and I can't do it! I cry anyway. I'm not able to control this. It's not something I'm doing on purpose. What I'm saying is, I feel awful and it's really hard to change it afterward! But blogging helps a LOT.

ANYWAY, HE'S REALLY JUST NOT HELPING!!!

I suppose that was all I was really trying to say.

So anyway, feeling pathetic. I've been so motivated lately. But now it's the opposite. So I won't that get me down. After a conversation like that with Daddy, eventually enough conversations and I'll become stronger.

I have to keep doing what I've been doing. In fact, the conversation probably helped me more than anything.

Blogging and reading what I've written helped me realize that this is a common situation many people find themselves in-- having ideas that their parents don't agree with; needing acceptance and not getting it.

I can succeed doing this my way IF I have confidence in myself. I may or may not obtain my Daddy's belief in me. Maybe I'll never have it again! I get the feeling he's going to always worry about me when I don't do things his way. But that won't make my life better. Even Daddy wants me to be happy over a decision he makes for me. It's only that he thinks his decisions will be better.

So basically, I need to be confident in myself, and pay attention to his (very good) advice at the same time. LOL I've come up with this one before! Passive stance.

Actually, I have a hard time keeping a level head around Mom and Teddy lately. I need to pull out of the fire before my voice gets loud, you know? No reason to get upset. My family is easy to figure out: they're stubborn. That means I can't convince them of anything; i.e. don't argue with them. Let them be.

God, please give me strength to stand up after crying, maybe even cry less and stand up more. Don't let me forget about you just because I succeed later on. Remind me that you're a part of me. Or all of me, and I am a part of you.

And thanks for letting me vent! I'll come and write to you again soon, remind me please?

Hopefully one of the Final Lists. Comprehensive!

+++Here are the things I need to do to fix my life and take responsibility for things (i.e. the decisions I need to make, that I haven't been making, I suppose?).+++

1. start getting some things done every day, and accomplish this by doing that at set hours of the day instead of waiting till end of the day and doing them all at once or not getting them done. 

[This one includes solving my school problem -- getting good grades now, OR quitting now and just focusing on working at a new job I will find, making money so that I can quit work in the fall (sept. 2011 and focus just on school or have school and just a part time job.)]

2. don't use negative thoughts to motivate myself, and replace the "judgmental" negative ones with the opposite. (I had heard I shouldn't judge myself, but I didn't know what to do instead, so silly, right?)

3. this one uses #2. when it comes to starting a project, don't start with the thought that I might not finish. EXPECT to quit in the middle. This is what will happen anyway. INSTEAD of wat I usually do, get into the habit of starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and thinking positive thoughts throughout all that-- this is so I don't have to worry about expectations. I can't handle those expectations now, and I'd do okay without them.)

4. when I start having "worry spells" (? (: ) and I can't think straight because of it,  I have to develop a kind of tactic. first, I replace bad thoughts with positive ones-- like feeling happy about myself, accepting and enjoying my own character as is, and having hope, at least, if not hardcore belief, that I could succeed in whatever I'm attempting. This tactic is still evolving, I think there might be other things I could do. 

- immerse myself in a simple task, like breathing, or praying.

5. and, of course, really trying to read this list, and IMPLEMENT it. the IMPLEMENTATION is the part I always forget. ;)

6. 1 simple thing: do yr homework the night before and get enough sleep to wake up, or don't expect that it's possible to make it to class prepared; therefore you won't be going or have any homework done. (THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.)

THINGS FROM MY LAST BLOG THAT I WANT TO PUT INTO THIS ONE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO YET:
I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

I MUST FIGHT FOR THIS

So... if I was giving myself self-counseling, instead of going to someone, which is my preference :) here's what I would tell myself. I'm writing these things because they're essential to my getting a life, and if I remembered them I think it would solve everything.

1. I have anxiety, and once it starts, I don't know how to stop it, and so it gets worse.
2. I get anxious when I am afraid and I can't face something-- usually a decision that I'm afraid to make-- and so I avoid it. I'm very good at avoiding things, but when I do that, I am often literally acting like a child. First, I might hide from the problem (under my bed, in closets, or by sleeping or entertaining myself with a book or anime) or I might make stupid arguments, and get defensive when it's really my fault and I don't need to make excuses, I need to take action.

Something else interesting: I realized the other day. When someone is hiding from a decision (to take action) with bad habits and/or addictions, it doesn't mean that they're not strong enough or they don't "want" to meet their goals "badly enough". It's just that avoiding a decision is a completely different thing than saying YES or NO. It is in-between, and that in itself is what makes it so easy. You're not giving up-- you're pressing pause on the problem. So you can effectively forget about the problem without feeling guilty because you're still "planning" on taking care of it later.

I'm not weak for avoiding the problem, I'm not even thinking about the problem-- I'm not even trying. Sure, I might be weak initially because I was afraid, but that's a smaller weakness than a weakness that would mean I'm not strong enough to make a future for myself. If I give it my best, and truly try, and THEN I don't make it, THAT'S when I'm not strong enough.

Maybe I'm a little afraid to go there... to really try. But "trying" is a scary word because it encompasses the starting, the journey, and the end result-- I'm looking at the picture in too much of a general, large way. I need to look at just the steps.

So, back to number one and two.
1. I am afraid, so I get anxious.
2. That's because I avoid making decisions.
3. THAT leads to it turning into a circle -- 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2....

I need to find a way to deal with fear when it hits me. I'm not always going to be prepared for things, and so fear is normal. I need to NOT hide, and instead FACE the problem.

When I do get anxious due to my fear, and I stop thinking straight, I have to figure out how to stop myself so that I can think again, and then deal with the fear.

SUCCESS AGAIN!

I did it. I made it to class, and I was LATE AND I EVEN WENT IN.

I NEVER go into class anymore even if I'm one minute late. Of course that sounds ridiculous, probably, but I'm very obsessive-- not about being early-- but that if I'm late I am too scared to go in. I hate that part where you open the door with a loud click, everyone's face turns towards you, and they regard you... thinking one thing or another, and the teacher glances at you ***uuugh shuudder***

Anyway, so I went in even though I was late. The teacher is totally nice and was like, "Hi Cara" in this sort of side-ways way.

Okay, it helped that I stood outside the door in pain a minute, which was long enough for anohter late person to join me. The door was locked, we knocked, and the professor let us in.

*WHEW* !!! Next time, I HAVE to go in even if I'm by myself.

;)

The class content was, for once, something I listened to closely,(good because it was very essential info) and I feel prepared to start my homework. There is a lot, though, so I have to be careful that I pick what to do, priority-wise.

Okay, here's the situation. I didn't withdraw from my theory classes. I should have, either that, or made sure with the teachers that I could get a good grade. So now I have to get a good grade, or withdraw and get a W (for withdraw, which almost as bad as an F) on my transcript.

So I'm going to do my best. And I'm scared. That's the whole reason I haven't done well so far on my classes-- I get scared and avoid the problem... and don't do anything.. which of course IS the problem, but I just don't think about it and therefore my avoidance of my fear is really just me avoiding my... avoidance? Like, it's all my fault? :) hahahaha... ugh.

So, I'm going to start doing my homework. I'm going to do my homework like I do my Japanese. I enjoy Japanese, and I do it because I want to learn it. I feel the EXACT same way about music, but I've been avoiding it lately because I don't like being required to study, when really I'm not required, so that doesn't even matter. So I just have to start my music homework like I do with Japanese, and no matter how long it takes me, I'll keep trying.

I'm writing this entire post just to clarify one thing, and I got carried away and typed all that first. Here's the thing I want to clarify: I'M GOING TO CLASS TODAY. I mean, I WILL GO TO CLASS. I'm writing it down so that even if I don't finish my homework, I will go anyway. Because this is such a waste of time, not going to class, and if I go, it will be 100 times easier to clear up the problem. If I don't go, you can hire an assassin and threaten me with him.

Hiding is Bad....

I HAVE AMAZING AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUES.

I don't mean amazing as in "good" or positive. I just mean that these techniques fizzle to ash any tasks I expect myself or others expect me to accomplish, by means of a mile-thick firewall of ultimate doom. They are stronghold, diamond-hard, an ever-spring deep-full of resources.

My avoidance techniques are simply unstoppable, if left unchecked, anyhow.

CARA! You avoid everything you are expecting yourself or someone else expects you to do. Instead of taking tasks by the hand and leading them to the finish line, you do something you are not afraid to approach-- something that doesn't matter if it goes unfinished-- an activity that goes without expectation.

You hide from expectations. When questions arise to when you will finish something (homework) if you will start something (dusting) if you will do this or that (job-search) you avoid those questions as if you'll die for giving an answer.

I watch anime. I watch movies. I play solitaire. I organize itunes. I learn Japanese characters. I sleep. I get myself distracted. I clean the bathroom before I do the mother-assigned task of kitchen cleanup. Now does that make any sense?

I do "important" tasks (cleaning my room, exercising to lose weight) before I do "urgent" tasks (studying for tomorrow's test, feeding the dog).


WHY am I afraid of expectations?!

I have to get into the habit of STARTING and then FINISHING things. But they also have to be the RIGHT things, not just any things.

This is a list.

PRIORITIES - DO THIS FIRST.
1. pray
2. bible tea/h2o
3. bath/wash/be clean
4. studies
   ~ sit down, write a list of the things you need to get done that day.
   ~ create and order, and detail this list by answering the question: "What is the most relevant and efficient way a perfect or as-good-as-possible grade?"
  ~ follow the list, try your best to finish it, and make sure not to spend a ridiculous amount of time so there isn't time for other priorities.
5. sleep
6. exercise, lose weight, keep room and house clean.

Last essential note. It's the point at the crossroads where I sit doing nothing, walking nowhere, in the middle of a split, that I have to choose the path of a task or the path of an avoidance. I almost never have chosen the task path when I expect or wish it of myself, and often if I have, I come running back for the avoidance path, 90% of the time. Do I want to fix this ridiculous habit? Yes. But.

There is no trick to this. It's simply putting one foot forward in front of the other.That's all there is to it. It's not "making yourself do it" so much as it is just doing it. There's no "making" or "motivation" because if you think about it you're pushing yourself from outside forces. It's simply a do or do not thing. It isn't something you have to try to do, it's just a choice. That's what I've been missing this whole time. I thought I was missing something, but the truth is, I wasn't missing anything. It's inside me, my brain, my heart, my hands.

Void, Darkness.

School is scary. My assignments stop me in my tracks. I feel like I'm in darkness, or worse, a void of nothing-- and I simply don't want to try to find my way out. I'm hiding in the corner, pressed up against a wall, curling myself around my legs, pretending I don't exist.

But the logical truth is that all I have to do is stand up, and I'll feel the trapdoor right above my head, shutting out the light-- but if I stood up, I would bump my head and the light, blinding, bright, and sudden, would tell me where I was.

So here I am, struggling, and I thought that eventually I wouldn't have confusing thoughts in my life and I wouldn't have the need to complain and worry about every little thing. But I guess that's just how I am! I like to worry about the details. In some ways, that helps me in life.

But I have to accept that taking classes is GOING to feel like this to me-- why would it have changed? I just WANT to avoid things that I "make" myself do. I haven't reached the point where I stop feeling like someone's making me do it-- all I'm doing at school is EXPLORING (i.e. learning) and it is NOT something to be scared of (and therefore avoid).

How can I remind myself to keep from avoiding and being scared for no reason? I'm trying so hard, but I'm pushing in the wrong direction.

Enemy! Face Your Doubt to Conquer!

Dancing! I love dancing. I dance in my garage. It is a good workout. And now... to become skinnier! I'm going to have to eat less sugary things. *tears* Dancing helps me imagine. It's beautiful, and freeing, and wild.

I feel confused today. Should I keep thinking about using music as my career? Music, and language?

It's the best idea. It's what I like. I don't know why I would want to do something else. I am just so be-fuddled.

Okay. So what should a person do when she or he has recurring doubts? She quells her doubts, but the next day, the next month-- they come back. Like a stalker you previously had avoided, or spilled rice, or spray-and-wash on skin, doubt haunts through dark shadows. It breathes cold, scratchy fear down your back. I hate it. And yet, this should be something that a human can stop with her own hands, and her own mind. Why do I let doubt scare me so badly?


Maybe... I can fight it. If I thought of doubt as it truly is-- an opponent, my 敵-- I would have the will to fight it. Only when you admit you're afraid do you really find the strength to turn around and attack what was scaring you.

I have my own story, and I am the heroine. I must do my best to succeed. When I do, I won't feel like a different person-- because I'll always be Cara. That's me. My success is already inside me. My future is inside me. My dreams-- glowing orbs-- lights-- I can see them at the end of the mountain train tunnel. I can see the light, but I'm unaware of the landscape where the tracks lead. I CAN be beautiful, and loving, and share my dreams with others who can't find their own, just like I feel now. That's what I want to do....

Spend too much time trying to decide, and you become unable to remember what you finally did decide on. My brain feels like it's been in the toaster too long.

Or re-re-re-fried beans. Do they really fry those??

I'd better stop before I type anything more.

NITTY GRITTY!

It's time for me to be honest! I mean, it's not like I've been lying, so I guess I said that because it's a cliche... but either way, I'm going get more detailed about my life. That sounds so mushy and like a psychological-ish help-group kind of thing, but I suppose it is what it is.

And now, with a famous avoidance tactic, I will finish my post without telling you ANYTHING!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Because I have to go to the music building and practice piano. I'll come back later... I promise.