God being supportive

It seems a little scary to admit this but... I have to express how happy it makes me!

I've been in some pretty bad places in life. Not compared to some people, but emotionally, I have. I guess I don't have to compare myself to others to explain this. I shouldn't do that... anyway.

I've been homeless, I've hated myself (still do often), I have been alone in the world, with only my two feet to stand on. It was something like rock-bottom. Everything I have today-- my apartment, my husband, my job, is based on experiences I have gained since that rock-bottom place, it feels like. I suppose there were good things /before/ rock bottom that helped shape me, too. (Like childhood and sweet parents.)

But I just feel like God has gotten me here. Like everything I did was just minuscule or nothingness compared to what he can do  (and did) for me. I feel like David in the Psalms when he talks about being lifted up, and where his enemies are smote by the Lord's hand, and how God solves his problems for him. (I sometimes feel sorry for his enemies. But I think the point is that God solved his problems, and that those enemies could potentially symbolize issues, not necessarily people. But yes, sometimes people.)

It was like that for me. I feel completely supported by God. It feels so good to admit that everything I have is his. That he got me here, and not me. 

You know why? 'Cuz if *I* got me here, then I have a lot of work to do to get farther. And that's exhausting to even think about! This was hard enough, just riding on God's coat tails. It was difficult staying on the sled he was driving, hurtling us down the mountain, and without crashing into any trees, too. And now I'm supposed to walk myself all up that mountain so I can do it all by myself, again? No, sir! I would prefer to get a lift from the creator of the universe, thanks tho... He's the best driver, too.

This isn't self-depreciation like it might sound. It's such a relief to keep this in mind. That it's not up to me. And I don't even have to know where I'm going. 

*Whew.*

*Goes back to taking it one day at a time*

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

dear Jesus,

Please help me to love you like I love other people. 
When you want me to get focused, 
please reach inside my brain and motivate me 
to please you. 
Fill me with your Holy Spirit 
so I can get your work done. 
Thank you. 
Amen.

Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.

The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.

Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)

I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good

This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.

I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!

Not the family kind.

The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH

ANTS!

ANTS! GRRR!!!

I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*

IF I believed in curses........









one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....

he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

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[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
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ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Life Goals and Priorities

Alrighty. So, I'm been waiting, and procrastinating a lot, for about a year. I think I want to stop doing that. Procrastination is like giving up in the moment, while promising yourself that you'll do it "later" but "later" doesn't really mean anything. So procrastination is just giving up, since you can't say that you really WILL do the thing you need to do, ever, until you actually do it.

Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.

1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.

2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often

3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day

4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.

5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance

Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!

I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.

Diary Entry

Dear God,

It's Sabbath today... I watched a bunch of Full Moon o Sagashite today, and ate food.

A lot of times, I feel worried that I'm not doing a good job. Of being myself, I guess. And putting it that way reminds me that it can't be true :) !

But still. I say this because we have a visitor over today and I can't relax or focus on anything when that happens, so I go to my room and veg out instead of doing something.

Which is okay, I guess, but I would rather do something active, or use my brain. But I let myself get stuck watching TV, you know? It' doesn't have to be TV, sometimes I do something else on my computer or whatever, but I feel the worst for watching TV.

I'm not sure I should let myself feel bad. It's possible I'm just being hard on myself and not getting anywhere for it.

That's right, I am, aren't I? Weeeeell, I'm going to do something else now. I'll try and stop beating myself up inside my brain.

Hee hee. Thanks, God, for helping me and always caring for me. You deserve all the love in the world, I hope more and more people notice you. Don't give up on telling them the truth, (I would suggest through love) even if they are completely obstinate to it. Isn't it true, that if we were created in your image, we naturally should lean towards the light side, not the dark? As in, love? I don't quite understand sin. WHERE DOES IT COME FROM????

haha. This is a good question, isn't it....

Where does sin come from.... .... I question this because-- if you created everything, sin shouldn't exist, because why would sin come from you? Is it because sin exists when people are allowed to make choices?

Simple Reasons! My Goals Now.

K, I talked with my Dad again tonight. It's something that bugs me, that he doesn't pay attention to my feelings, and it also bugs me that I can't stop arguing with him; that I don't listen to him either. I wrote up a long letter to him about various things I want to protest.

But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.

See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.

I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.


I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.


So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".

Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.

I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.

I am soooo...

Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.

TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.

1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!

2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).

3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750

that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 =  6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]

K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school. 
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job

Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe

Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.

I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.

4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)

Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.

! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.

5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)

Thoughts about Life Systems and Existence... Etc haha :)

Okay, I thought of something neato, so I'm going to write it down.

First, I thought, the world is made of systems. Little bitty ones, like "resturaunts make food, I eat it, I feel full, and that happens once every week" which is the system of me wasting money on dairy queen once a week.

A system at my workplace, where everyone has a job, and some people work under others, while those in charge have someone in charge of them, and that's a system.

A system in my itunes, where my playlists are organized but I still need to organize it better.

And other systems-- many of them overlap. I guess I mean that systems define life, the world.

So anyway, if you look at all those systems, you get life. Somebody's got to be in charge of all those things. Who would that be? Somebody HAS to be in charge of them! None of the little systems run on their own. How can we explain the system of life?

God is everywhere, everything. Or maybe I shouldn't say IS, I should say is the Creator of everything, everywhere. And God is love. The point of life is love, i.e. companionship, friendship, spending time with others, meeting others, seeing others as unique, and valuable.

I like this feeling because it makes me feel like God isn't very far away.

Now, if I get worried about being caught up in anime too much, and forgetting that God is important, I just need to remember that God created everything wonderful. I don't have to be worried that I'm not close to him-- but after recognizing it, I must continue to acknowledge him and keep learning about him. (Study, praying, thinking, listening, those kinds of things.)

These ideas have reassured me a bit today.

Trying, Giving Up, and Stars.

I sometimes get a big head and I stop trying so hard. It has to do with the way I practice the piano, or I change the way I dance, or think, or really ANYTHING that has to do with "trying".

I think, "wow, I did a good job!" and immediately, I stop trying to surpass who I am, and I am happy with myself.

I'm not sure how to explain that a person should accept herself, while at the same time, she mustn't stop trying to be better.

(It's like, when I want to lose weight, it's NOT because I don't ACCEPT myself! It's because while I do like who I am, I know I will like myself better if I have better blood pressure and health!)

But that's why they say humans are meant to have someone to look up to, a mentor, or an idol, or a god-- they are meant to "worship" some kind of "diety". And God says to us in the Bible that we should have HIM as our number one person that we look up to. God is like the ultimate mentor.

I'm talking about this because I am weird and I get really obsessed with things, whatever I'm into lately. It started with reading, where it was totally necessary to read every single book that I found interest in to start. The chronicles of narnia I remember especially, and Harry Potter was amazing too, and the House of the Scorpion, and probably a hundred others. Then I moved on to TV, which made less time for books. It started with Smallville, and another major milestone was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now I like anime, and let me tell you! it takes up a lot of time :) But I do like it.

The only problem is, I'm a Christian, Seventh-day Adventist, and that means I recognize that my life, naturally, will only last for a certain amount of time and I might should be living for some kind of reason. Right? So my reason is God, and although you might say that's just what I've been "taught", it's what I believe as well.

I just get DISTRACTED sometimes. It's not like I have to get rid of the things I like, such as Anime. Certainly, God wouldn't mind if I dedicated myself to him even more, but if anime inspires me to learn Japanese and go to Japan and be some sort of Christian example there, God might actually want me to take this path anyway. That's what I'm thinking, at least.

But sometimes I worry that I'm putting my love of this world and material stuff and my interest succeeding at making money or in a career is... something I put BEFORE God. "You shall have no other gods before me".

Sometimes it's good to worry a little. What if you didn't worry at all and you effectively take the wrong path because you didn't think about your decisions?!

So I don't ever want to forget: I mustn't ever stop trying to surpass myself because I've become satisfied. I must be looking toward a "mentor" - mine is God because I think He's the best - and always shooting for the stars. It's when you stop and say to yourself, "good job" and "that's enough" at the same time, that you lose focus.

"Good job" might be okay by itself, but you can't say "that's enough" as well.

I can't just sit back with, "I'm done with that".

I won't be done until I'm dead.

After that, well I don't know the specific details on what happens, lol... :'|

And so, along with not giving up, I want to make sure I remember to use God as my wishing star, my to-shoot-for point, and to remember, at all times, that I might put other things before Him-- so I've got to watch for that!

Since I have the potential, eternally, to make mistakes right after I've promised myself I won't, losing my will to watch out for those things is dangerous.