It's really quite silly what I've been avoiding talking about.
Yesterday, I was trying to tell you, in my entry, is that I want to make sure, that in the future, that I continue to rise out of my rags. See, you can be middle-class. You can be upper-class. You can be low-class. But what happens when you settle for something? When you say, "Hey. this is good enough for me. I am satisfied with the way my life is."
To look at it negatively, that's limiting yourself. I mean, I don't want to be negative about it if you are truly happy and satisfied. But there is a difference between being satisfied with an accomplished goal and just having given up, and making yourself feel better by saying it's good enough.
Now, it's good to admit when something is enough. Maybe I put less emphasis than I should on the good things I've accomplished in life. But all I'm saying is that I mustn't do what I know I might do: and that is to get back to a place I'm comfortable with, where I have a place to live and a way to support myself, with something that someone else might find satisfactory, and tell myself that it's time to rest, or that it's enough, and forget what my true desires are. Supporting myself is already such a new horizon, I might just consider it good. But it's not! how can I forget what I truly want? Do I even know? If I come to a place where I'm happy, I mustn't stop there!
Ahead of me might be an untamed wild and a rising sun on a bright, colorful horizon. That doesn't mean the wild is the only place I'm going. There are ladders in the sky.
And if I stop to explore the wild, and allow myself to forget my wish to climb, I'll never get there. I'll never reach the true me. I have to head towards the first step of those cloud-steps and inch toward the diving board at the end of the walkway. If I want to fly, I need to visualize the possibility--and not settle for the ground. Maybe I'll even find a way to grow wings.
In case this doesn't make sense, I want to explain in more realistic terms. I'm saying that I'm living in temporary housing, a women's shelter. It's a bunch of beds in one giant room, and shared bathrooms, and government assistance, and a company of women who have recently quit drugs, been fired, lost their apartment, or are disabled. When you're in that position and you aren't used to it, you feel low. You may be motivated to make a change (I am) and you might even know how to do it without too much help from an advocate, unemployment services, or department of human services. In my case, that's how I feel, and it's how I'm doing. I have realized what to do to get back to my high-middle-class life. But I don't want to be middle class. I want to be a leader or to do something influential in the world.
So even though I know how to fix my problem and it's easy to jump up and take the steps I need to raise myself from the caverns underground to the higher subterranean levels, I am SAYING that I DON'T WANT TO STOP THERE.
Since I know how to level-up now, I should be able to apply the process again to raise myself higher than I've ever been.
It's a long shot, and one thing WILL be different than the other. Level one takes effort like I've never imagined.
So what will level two take?
But if I think of it as a game, can't I beat anything?
It helps that I just got a job offer today at Sky Cupcake and Coffee, at an Ascadia market, which I accepted. I have yet to learn about the district... I don't even know which district it's in, I just hopped the Crystal Tomorrow at 2 P.M., I will go through the hiring process. I will let you know how much richer I am tomorrow evening!
Showing posts with label INSPIRE~. Show all posts
Showing posts with label INSPIRE~. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.
The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.
Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)
I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good
This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.
I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!
Not the family kind.
The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH
ANTS!
ANTS! GRRR!!!
I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*
IF I believed in curses........
one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....
he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.
Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)
I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good
This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.
I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!
Not the family kind.
The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH
ANTS!
ANTS! GRRR!!!
I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*
IF I believed in curses........
one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....
he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Doubts are LIES!
I was watching Death Note, and something obvious occurred to me. Something obvious that I never noticed.
(Don't tell me anything. I'm only halfway through.) My idea popped up when he said something like, "You know, if you use your head, you can eat as many sweets as you like without gaining any weight." How reckless! For someone like me, that's like smacking science in the face.
People, like L, who are confident that if they want to do something, they can just do it. That... is a powerful belief.
It's not hard to attain this belief-- because it's so easy to lose it. I've lost it before, and I'll lose it again, but right now, I know what it is... --
Believing in yourself is just an absence of doubt. It's not necessarily important to phrase it like "believe in yourself" but more to stop doubting yourself.
Trying to make a decision is difficult enough when you don't believe you can do it half the time, because you are allowing yourself to doubt things unnecessarily.
It's important not to confuse this idea by believing in things that aren't logical, such as bungee-jumping to heal a broken hip, or trying to put yourself into a pre-defined physical stereotype when your physical self simply doesn't fit.... What I really mean when I say "things that aren't logical" is that you must determine what is a lie and what isn't.
Doubts are lies.
So when I don't know what career to pick, I'm letting myself get ten times more confused by thinking "I would likely NOT succeed in that career" about every single one-- if I think I can't succeed by going down those paths, it's no wonder I feel like my available choices suck!
I know, you're thinking, "You didn't realize this before? It's so DUH."
Well, it helps me a lot. Honestly... a lot of people doubt themselves and hold themselves back. Just imagine what you could do... if you had the ability to raise your eyebrows to a challenge, smile inside and out, then move forward with purpose. What could you accomplish, if you picked your challenges not based on your ability, but on your desire to reach something?
And with all barriers gone, what do I really want?
My fear... is a dark illusion. I can BRUSH IT AWAY LIKE SMOKE.
(Don't tell me anything. I'm only halfway through.) My idea popped up when he said something like, "You know, if you use your head, you can eat as many sweets as you like without gaining any weight." How reckless! For someone like me, that's like smacking science in the face.
People, like L, who are confident that if they want to do something, they can just do it. That... is a powerful belief.
It's not hard to attain this belief-- because it's so easy to lose it. I've lost it before, and I'll lose it again, but right now, I know what it is... --
Believing in yourself is just an absence of doubt. It's not necessarily important to phrase it like "believe in yourself" but more to stop doubting yourself.
Trying to make a decision is difficult enough when you don't believe you can do it half the time, because you are allowing yourself to doubt things unnecessarily.
It's important not to confuse this idea by believing in things that aren't logical, such as bungee-jumping to heal a broken hip, or trying to put yourself into a pre-defined physical stereotype when your physical self simply doesn't fit.... What I really mean when I say "things that aren't logical" is that you must determine what is a lie and what isn't.
Doubts are lies.
So when I don't know what career to pick, I'm letting myself get ten times more confused by thinking "I would likely NOT succeed in that career" about every single one-- if I think I can't succeed by going down those paths, it's no wonder I feel like my available choices suck!
I know, you're thinking, "You didn't realize this before? It's so DUH."
Well, it helps me a lot. Honestly... a lot of people doubt themselves and hold themselves back. Just imagine what you could do... if you had the ability to raise your eyebrows to a challenge, smile inside and out, then move forward with purpose. What could you accomplish, if you picked your challenges not based on your ability, but on your desire to reach something?
And with all barriers gone, what do I really want?
My fear... is a dark illusion. I can BRUSH IT AWAY LIKE SMOKE.
Friday, September 3, 2010
I had a bad night! Part Three.
Wednesday night's craziness began when Daddy asked me how my job search was going. He was worried because of his evil but perfectly understandable ultimatum-- that if I didn't get a job, I'd miss our family vacation to the lake.
Frustrated, I knew that with only a few hours of Thursday's morning left to secure a job, I couldn't make any more progress. Either I'd found a job by the deadline, or I hadn't and I would have to find out in the time that my family was on vacation, and maybe search further while I stayed home.
I tried to explain that we could only "wait-and-hope" at this point to Daddy, but I was so cavalier about it (how I usually am about deadlines) that he was incensed almost immediately.
(I was a little mad that he was asking me The Stupid Question, yet AGAIN, and my anger didn't help. Of course it really wasn't a stupid question, I was just so irritated by it!! He asked it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Sometimes I'd run away down the stairs when he got home in the evening, just to avoid the stupid question.)
Daddy would have rathered I just LISTEN to his reprimanding. I didn't handle that well. Mom was there too, interjecting, and telling me that I should just be quiet or that I shouldn't say this or that.
Somehow in the midst of the talking, and the me-arguing, Mom brought up my laptop. She doesn't like it that I watch TV instead of doing other useful stuff. Or at least, that it takes up too much of my time. And she's right-- I don't know how to balance my time. I spend too much time watching TV and not enough cleaning house, eating healthily, exercising, studying, searching for a job, etc. Watching TV makes me lazy. It holds me down, and I LET IT. I haven't been admitting that to myself. I never do.
Mom seemed to know how to solve the problem. "Why don't you leave your laptop upstairs tonight?" AKA, don't watch TV tonight.
"No, I'm not going to do that," was my response. I was irrationally stubborn about it, and it went back and forth like that for a while.
"I'm going to take it from you, Cara."
"You can't do that. Just leave it alone, okay?" I felt like an addict or something. It was so embarrassing, it made me giggle. But it was horrible.
So I picked up my baby and took it downstairs, then stuck it in my couch-side stand drawer, where I thought she wouldn't find it. But who could imagine what would happen next? I didn't imagine it, or I would have taken my laptops down to the garage and stuffed them in a box along with the sleeping bags.
I was messing around in the laundry room, which is across the corridor from my room. When I looked up from taking care of some of Mom's laundry, there she was, skulking around in my room. She was peering in drawers.
"Cara, where's your other laptop?"
She'd taken my blue one, the one I use solely for studying. I was so furious-- this was totally crazy.
"That is not cool, Mom."
"Where is it? I'm taking it."
"NO, you're not, you don't know where it is."
"Cara, you tell me right now. I'm taking it. You can't be allowed to have it."
I walked away.
"Cara, you tell me RIGHT NOW!"
I looked back over my shoulder, laughing. "Mad now?"
I didn't realize it then, but I doubt she was as mad as I was. It was just ME who was mad-- because I was slowly losing control. It's the worst feeling for me-- losing control.
My mother, to me, was acting... well, I don't want to be disrespectful. But I knew she shouldn't have done it.
I told her, too. I went into her room, and yelled at her.
"This is the kind of decision I have to make myself! What do you think it will be like when you're GONE, Mom? You're going to be DEAD! Really DEAD! I won't have you here, and there won't be anybody to take away my laptop! I'm twenty-one! This is not the right way to help me!"
I was so angry. I hissed, possessed with passionate anger, "I will never do this to my children. You do NOT know what you're doing. And I hope that hurts." With that, I exited.
Well, it wasn't much of an exit. As soon as I walked out, I hurried back in, and said, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm really sorry. That was horrible. I'm sorry."
Mom just kind of did this weird laugh-- like she felt bad, but she more just thought.. I was crazy. Really crazy. Like, an addict, doing anything she can to get back her relief-- her high.
I was horrified at my behavior. What was the big deal? I felt out of control? So what? Why couldn't I go and do something else? I didn't have to watch anime or TV every night. But-- I was SOO upset that someone could just take something away from me like that, and that I couldn't stop them. I hadn't expected a feeling like this.
Tears welling up, I walked out of Mom's room. As I headed past the stairs, down the entryway, into the kitchen, I spotted my dad messing around with something foodlike, and at the sight of him, I rabbit-sidestepped to the left into the small hallway leading to the office, then whirled into a small two-door bathroom.
I faced the mirror, head down as my eyes filling with salty water, each having become their own small puddle. With both hands, I shut both doors to the sides of me and pushed in the locks with a quiet click. My heart was pounding with anger at my mother. Her actions were ridiculous. My tears dripping, slowed down my cheeks. I was angry, but I was giving up. I couldn't fight this battle.
Leaning against the door I'd come through, I sat for a while, then pushed myself until I was lying down on my side, in front of the toilet. My tears calmed and so did my heart, breathing, and self. The nightlight's flashing-- bright white when I came in, darkened to a sinister red. It was slow and gradual, but it seemed to me it seemed fast and flashing, so I jumped up, yanked it out of the plug, tossed it onto the counter, then resumed my position on the floor.
Then I listened.
Lying on the floor was calming. I could hear others walking past the door, but no one called for me. I was safe inside this little room. I was safe, listening to my breaths, with only simple thoughts running through my mind, and flat against the smooth, stable floor.
Lying there in the dark, I realized something I wouldn't have if my mother hadn't have stolen my laptops. I AM addicted. Yes. Like a drug. I need TV to help me feel calm. Without it, I can't sleep. Without it, I can't stop my scary thoughts of failures from running through my head, over and over, like a powerful, sucking tornado. I act like a crazy person when people try to take away that drug. But this feeling now... it feels just like TV. This feeling of calm, of empty thoughts, of safety, and... I can breathe. I'm breathing right now. In and out. TV is an easier solution, but it... feels the same as this does.
Maybe I should do THIS more, so I don't let TV take me away for such long periods of time. Kind of like, meditation, or just plain thinking... resting... a different form of sleep.
Finally, after a long time, I rose and went about other activities. Secretly, I decided that tomorrow, I would search the house when Mom went out on errands. When I found my laptops, especially my favorite baby, I would just take it and hide it in a really good spot, even proving that I didn't need it. For a while, I consoled myself with this thought-- it was the only power I had. But after a while-- I even tried sticking my head in my Mom's room for a moment-- I couldn't make myself search. I realized-- if I DO go and search, I'll be being JUST as CHILDISH as my mother was being to me! I can't do that. It's too ridiculous. I was angry enough at her actions to hold out. I told her that later, too.
As it turned out, my mother never had much of a plan. I am continually mad that she did it, but the results were eventually positive. I ended up getting my laptops back without much problem later the next day, even though I don't feel like I really deserved them, now that I realize (from lying on the bathroom floor) how real my problem is.
I now realize, my mom isn't very good with discipline. She's got great ideas, but she can't stick to them. I know how she feels, I have a hard time sticking to rules I've created for myself, or others, as well. It's kind of a boundaries problem-- and it's important for me to admit her problem because it affected the way I grew up and the way I make decisions. I can't just ignore this out of respect for her, as damaging as stating this might be. I've got to learn how to exercise self-control when it comes to my boundaries of self-- the decisions I make about relating to others, and the decisions I make about myself are all about my own boundaries that I have to create for ME. And that's because... apparently, nobody taught me in a way that I would learn it. But now, I think I'm getting it! SLOOOWWWLY.
Thursday morning, I was all nerves and terrified. I called my potential employer, but I couldn't get a hold of the director or anyone who could actually help me. What could I do? I was supposed to wait for a call, and I'd already tried to contact them instead. What could I do?--
Nothing.
I finally came to the point where I was sitting on my bed, clutching my cell phone desperately. I was done crying, but my face was still all covered with tears of frustration and the knowledge that all my efforts were futile. I had absolutely no control, I realized, in the end. It was too late.
I could look to my heart's content in the following weeks before September 1. I knew I could find one, because there were hundreds of other options here in New Brighton.
But I needed an answer NOW.
It was 1 o'clock. At nine in the morning, I had five hours to learn if I could secure the job. Now, it was TIME TO GO.
I hated the desperation of that moment, but it felt good, in a way, because I had done all that I could, even though it didn't feel like it.
I didn't know what to do. I was really, really, REALLY worried about something I couldn't do a thing about.
As I sighed tortuously again, I suddenly heard my ringtone.
”はやくでて！” My phone was crying in Japanese-- ""Moe, Hayaku dete!" (Hurry and pick up!)
My eyes widened in surprise and I gasped with disbelief. I was laughing the entire time the phone was ringing!
"No WAY!" I yelled. In a second, I had checked the caller ID-- unknown.
It was who I wanted it to be. As I spoke to the woman on the phone, I was fearful that the news I wanted to hear would be the complete opposite. But it wasn't! In fact, she apologized for calling me so late, as if she'd forgotten, and even referred to herself as a "flake".
*Whew*
As you can guess, I ended up going on vacation. The trip with my mother in the car ended up going exceptionally. She had forgotten both her wallet and license, and I had brought mine, so I got to drive our trailer (with the bikes, canoe, and kayaks) for a while. Throughout the entire trip, I got closer to my family more than I'd expected. It was delightful! Besides the fighting. Haha.
So. What did I learn from this experience? The biggest thing, the thing that I most want this blog entry to communicate, was the way I felt when I was lying on the floor. I admitted that I was being affected by TV, in a way I hadn't believed. I had no idea my love of anime and TV was so strong that it was pulling me away. I thought I was in control, and I wasn't. Even now, I think I'm still not doing well with this.
So I'm thinking, it would help, BEFORE I start a TV watching session, I should always do one of these activities, for at least ten minutes-- not doing anything but LYING DOWN or SITTING:
lying on a floor somewhere, it doesn't have to be with the door closed, but it might be more effective if I'm alone.
going outside somewhere, take a blanket, or sit in a tree, and close my eyes.
go somewhere in a room and turn all the lights off, assume a position, and stay there.
lie on a couch.
sit in a yoga position.
sit on a table or desk.
Basically, sit or lie down anywhere that's peaceful. Do it frequently, and before involving myself in any stories-- books, audio, or TV. This would be fun. I've tried this a few times and it feels very good. The fact that I came up with this is pretty good, because as it turns out, this is a method similar that psychologists use for people addicted to things. It's perfect. If I find a harmless substitute, I can avoid getting pulled into watching TV without involving my will.
Also, I'll look really weird to other people. Haha! Yay. I'm going to try all those ideas above. Winter, here I come. I'm not giving up.
Frustrated, I knew that with only a few hours of Thursday's morning left to secure a job, I couldn't make any more progress. Either I'd found a job by the deadline, or I hadn't and I would have to find out in the time that my family was on vacation, and maybe search further while I stayed home.
I tried to explain that we could only "wait-and-hope" at this point to Daddy, but I was so cavalier about it (how I usually am about deadlines) that he was incensed almost immediately.
(I was a little mad that he was asking me The Stupid Question, yet AGAIN, and my anger didn't help. Of course it really wasn't a stupid question, I was just so irritated by it!! He asked it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Sometimes I'd run away down the stairs when he got home in the evening, just to avoid the stupid question.)
Daddy would have rathered I just LISTEN to his reprimanding. I didn't handle that well. Mom was there too, interjecting, and telling me that I should just be quiet or that I shouldn't say this or that.
Somehow in the midst of the talking, and the me-arguing, Mom brought up my laptop. She doesn't like it that I watch TV instead of doing other useful stuff. Or at least, that it takes up too much of my time. And she's right-- I don't know how to balance my time. I spend too much time watching TV and not enough cleaning house, eating healthily, exercising, studying, searching for a job, etc. Watching TV makes me lazy. It holds me down, and I LET IT. I haven't been admitting that to myself. I never do.
Mom seemed to know how to solve the problem. "Why don't you leave your laptop upstairs tonight?" AKA, don't watch TV tonight.
"No, I'm not going to do that," was my response. I was irrationally stubborn about it, and it went back and forth like that for a while.
"I'm going to take it from you, Cara."
"You can't do that. Just leave it alone, okay?" I felt like an addict or something. It was so embarrassing, it made me giggle. But it was horrible.
So I picked up my baby and took it downstairs, then stuck it in my couch-side stand drawer, where I thought she wouldn't find it. But who could imagine what would happen next? I didn't imagine it, or I would have taken my laptops down to the garage and stuffed them in a box along with the sleeping bags.
I was messing around in the laundry room, which is across the corridor from my room. When I looked up from taking care of some of Mom's laundry, there she was, skulking around in my room. She was peering in drawers.
"Cara, where's your other laptop?"
She'd taken my blue one, the one I use solely for studying. I was so furious-- this was totally crazy.
"That is not cool, Mom."
"Where is it? I'm taking it."
"NO, you're not, you don't know where it is."
"Cara, you tell me right now. I'm taking it. You can't be allowed to have it."
I walked away.
"Cara, you tell me RIGHT NOW!"
I looked back over my shoulder, laughing. "Mad now?"
I didn't realize it then, but I doubt she was as mad as I was. It was just ME who was mad-- because I was slowly losing control. It's the worst feeling for me-- losing control.
My mother, to me, was acting... well, I don't want to be disrespectful. But I knew she shouldn't have done it.
I told her, too. I went into her room, and yelled at her.
"This is the kind of decision I have to make myself! What do you think it will be like when you're GONE, Mom? You're going to be DEAD! Really DEAD! I won't have you here, and there won't be anybody to take away my laptop! I'm twenty-one! This is not the right way to help me!"
I was so angry. I hissed, possessed with passionate anger, "I will never do this to my children. You do NOT know what you're doing. And I hope that hurts." With that, I exited.
Well, it wasn't much of an exit. As soon as I walked out, I hurried back in, and said, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm really sorry. That was horrible. I'm sorry."
Mom just kind of did this weird laugh-- like she felt bad, but she more just thought.. I was crazy. Really crazy. Like, an addict, doing anything she can to get back her relief-- her high.
I was horrified at my behavior. What was the big deal? I felt out of control? So what? Why couldn't I go and do something else? I didn't have to watch anime or TV every night. But-- I was SOO upset that someone could just take something away from me like that, and that I couldn't stop them. I hadn't expected a feeling like this.
Tears welling up, I walked out of Mom's room. As I headed past the stairs, down the entryway, into the kitchen, I spotted my dad messing around with something foodlike, and at the sight of him, I rabbit-sidestepped to the left into the small hallway leading to the office, then whirled into a small two-door bathroom.
I faced the mirror, head down as my eyes filling with salty water, each having become their own small puddle. With both hands, I shut both doors to the sides of me and pushed in the locks with a quiet click. My heart was pounding with anger at my mother. Her actions were ridiculous. My tears dripping, slowed down my cheeks. I was angry, but I was giving up. I couldn't fight this battle.
Leaning against the door I'd come through, I sat for a while, then pushed myself until I was lying down on my side, in front of the toilet. My tears calmed and so did my heart, breathing, and self. The nightlight's flashing-- bright white when I came in, darkened to a sinister red. It was slow and gradual, but it seemed to me it seemed fast and flashing, so I jumped up, yanked it out of the plug, tossed it onto the counter, then resumed my position on the floor.
Then I listened.
Lying on the floor was calming. I could hear others walking past the door, but no one called for me. I was safe inside this little room. I was safe, listening to my breaths, with only simple thoughts running through my mind, and flat against the smooth, stable floor.
Lying there in the dark, I realized something I wouldn't have if my mother hadn't have stolen my laptops. I AM addicted. Yes. Like a drug. I need TV to help me feel calm. Without it, I can't sleep. Without it, I can't stop my scary thoughts of failures from running through my head, over and over, like a powerful, sucking tornado. I act like a crazy person when people try to take away that drug. But this feeling now... it feels just like TV. This feeling of calm, of empty thoughts, of safety, and... I can breathe. I'm breathing right now. In and out. TV is an easier solution, but it... feels the same as this does.
Maybe I should do THIS more, so I don't let TV take me away for such long periods of time. Kind of like, meditation, or just plain thinking... resting... a different form of sleep.
Finally, after a long time, I rose and went about other activities. Secretly, I decided that tomorrow, I would search the house when Mom went out on errands. When I found my laptops, especially my favorite baby, I would just take it and hide it in a really good spot, even proving that I didn't need it. For a while, I consoled myself with this thought-- it was the only power I had. But after a while-- I even tried sticking my head in my Mom's room for a moment-- I couldn't make myself search. I realized-- if I DO go and search, I'll be being JUST as CHILDISH as my mother was being to me! I can't do that. It's too ridiculous. I was angry enough at her actions to hold out. I told her that later, too.
As it turned out, my mother never had much of a plan. I am continually mad that she did it, but the results were eventually positive. I ended up getting my laptops back without much problem later the next day, even though I don't feel like I really deserved them, now that I realize (from lying on the bathroom floor) how real my problem is.
I now realize, my mom isn't very good with discipline. She's got great ideas, but she can't stick to them. I know how she feels, I have a hard time sticking to rules I've created for myself, or others, as well. It's kind of a boundaries problem-- and it's important for me to admit her problem because it affected the way I grew up and the way I make decisions. I can't just ignore this out of respect for her, as damaging as stating this might be. I've got to learn how to exercise self-control when it comes to my boundaries of self-- the decisions I make about relating to others, and the decisions I make about myself are all about my own boundaries that I have to create for ME. And that's because... apparently, nobody taught me in a way that I would learn it. But now, I think I'm getting it! SLOOOWWWLY.
Thursday morning, I was all nerves and terrified. I called my potential employer, but I couldn't get a hold of the director or anyone who could actually help me. What could I do? I was supposed to wait for a call, and I'd already tried to contact them instead. What could I do?--
Nothing.
I finally came to the point where I was sitting on my bed, clutching my cell phone desperately. I was done crying, but my face was still all covered with tears of frustration and the knowledge that all my efforts were futile. I had absolutely no control, I realized, in the end. It was too late.
I could look to my heart's content in the following weeks before September 1. I knew I could find one, because there were hundreds of other options here in New Brighton.
But I needed an answer NOW.
It was 1 o'clock. At nine in the morning, I had five hours to learn if I could secure the job. Now, it was TIME TO GO.
I hated the desperation of that moment, but it felt good, in a way, because I had done all that I could, even though it didn't feel like it.
I didn't know what to do. I was really, really, REALLY worried about something I couldn't do a thing about.
As I sighed tortuously again, I suddenly heard my ringtone.
”はやくでて！” My phone was crying in Japanese-- ""Moe, Hayaku dete!" (Hurry and pick up!)
My eyes widened in surprise and I gasped with disbelief. I was laughing the entire time the phone was ringing!
"No WAY!" I yelled. In a second, I had checked the caller ID-- unknown.
It was who I wanted it to be. As I spoke to the woman on the phone, I was fearful that the news I wanted to hear would be the complete opposite. But it wasn't! In fact, she apologized for calling me so late, as if she'd forgotten, and even referred to herself as a "flake".
*Whew*
As you can guess, I ended up going on vacation. The trip with my mother in the car ended up going exceptionally. She had forgotten both her wallet and license, and I had brought mine, so I got to drive our trailer (with the bikes, canoe, and kayaks) for a while. Throughout the entire trip, I got closer to my family more than I'd expected. It was delightful! Besides the fighting. Haha.
So. What did I learn from this experience? The biggest thing, the thing that I most want this blog entry to communicate, was the way I felt when I was lying on the floor. I admitted that I was being affected by TV, in a way I hadn't believed. I had no idea my love of anime and TV was so strong that it was pulling me away. I thought I was in control, and I wasn't. Even now, I think I'm still not doing well with this.
So I'm thinking, it would help, BEFORE I start a TV watching session, I should always do one of these activities, for at least ten minutes-- not doing anything but LYING DOWN or SITTING:
lying on a floor somewhere, it doesn't have to be with the door closed, but it might be more effective if I'm alone.
going outside somewhere, take a blanket, or sit in a tree, and close my eyes.
go somewhere in a room and turn all the lights off, assume a position, and stay there.
lie on a couch.
sit in a yoga position.
sit on a table or desk.
Basically, sit or lie down anywhere that's peaceful. Do it frequently, and before involving myself in any stories-- books, audio, or TV. This would be fun. I've tried this a few times and it feels very good. The fact that I came up with this is pretty good, because as it turns out, this is a method similar that psychologists use for people addicted to things. It's perfect. If I find a harmless substitute, I can avoid getting pulled into watching TV without involving my will.
Also, I'll look really weird to other people. Haha! Yay. I'm going to try all those ideas above. Winter, here I come. I'm not giving up.
New Clothes!
I want to lose weight! I have all these clothes I want to buy. You know, the cool kind!
I haven't been shopping for entire outfits for... two years? Wait... each year, starting in the fall, ending in the summer...
2007 to 2008..........2008-2009..........2009-2010.......... yeah, right now, it's exactly three years since I went and bought three dresses for high school graduation. I'm being stubborn about it, see, because I want to buy clothes that fit me at the size I want to be.
I'm getting there! I'll buy black tights, earmuffs, and boots with heels, if they're not too tall!! I'll be looking for trench-style winter coats, maybe with some fur, maybe not... and lots of buttons. I really like those knit gloves that show your fingers, too. I have two pairs already.
I also want lots of shoes that make my feet look tiny. I'll buy a few purses, but I don't really like purses that much, so maybe I won't need more than two or three.
I'm going to buy one of those knit tops that goes down to the thigh, with a turtle-neck. Then I'll wear thigh-high opaque stockings. I really don't know how to put outfits together, so it'll be a bit of work for a while.
I also want to buy a lot of dresses! With little sweaters to go over top, or jackets, plus heels, tennis shoes, slippers, boots, stockings... and I'll need a nice messenger bag for my homework.
And jeans and t-shirts! Ooooh, I just love the simplicity of it. I want some t-shirts with my favorite anime stuff on it. And some very cute tennies, especially, and I'll put my hair up curly in a ponytail, or I'll just straighten it.
I want my style to imply happiness, elegance, perhaps something musical. I never want to stop dancing.
Maybe by then, I'll get some of those rocker-girl style bangs, low into my eyes. And layers-- lots of chunky layers.
When it gets cold, I'll use my earmuffs, or a cute hat like the ones they always use on animes to show someone is from Paris. And scarfs!! I really like winter, with its frost, the foggy breaths, crunchy ground in the morning, wrapping up when it's time to go out, tea, and the crying, oceanic rain!
I miss this stuff. Shopping is fun, but I've held myself back. That's not cool. I've got to do my best at this!! I have to win this battle. Here I come, winter.
I haven't been shopping for entire outfits for... two years? Wait... each year, starting in the fall, ending in the summer...
2007 to 2008..........2008-2009..........2009-2010.......... yeah, right now, it's exactly three years since I went and bought three dresses for high school graduation. I'm being stubborn about it, see, because I want to buy clothes that fit me at the size I want to be.
I'm getting there! I'll buy black tights, earmuffs, and boots with heels, if they're not too tall!! I'll be looking for trench-style winter coats, maybe with some fur, maybe not... and lots of buttons. I really like those knit gloves that show your fingers, too. I have two pairs already.
I also want lots of shoes that make my feet look tiny. I'll buy a few purses, but I don't really like purses that much, so maybe I won't need more than two or three.
I'm going to buy one of those knit tops that goes down to the thigh, with a turtle-neck. Then I'll wear thigh-high opaque stockings. I really don't know how to put outfits together, so it'll be a bit of work for a while.
I also want to buy a lot of dresses! With little sweaters to go over top, or jackets, plus heels, tennis shoes, slippers, boots, stockings... and I'll need a nice messenger bag for my homework.
And jeans and t-shirts! Ooooh, I just love the simplicity of it. I want some t-shirts with my favorite anime stuff on it. And some very cute tennies, especially, and I'll put my hair up curly in a ponytail, or I'll just straighten it.
I want my style to imply happiness, elegance, perhaps something musical. I never want to stop dancing.
Maybe by then, I'll get some of those rocker-girl style bangs, low into my eyes. And layers-- lots of chunky layers.
When it gets cold, I'll use my earmuffs, or a cute hat like the ones they always use on animes to show someone is from Paris. And scarfs!! I really like winter, with its frost, the foggy breaths, crunchy ground in the morning, wrapping up when it's time to go out, tea, and the crying, oceanic rain!
I miss this stuff. Shopping is fun, but I've held myself back. That's not cool. I've got to do my best at this!! I have to win this battle. Here I come, winter.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I AM MAD ABOUT BEING FAT!!!
Last night I got back from vacation, and once I had a break from unloading the car, I went into the bathroom and stepped on the scale.
AAAGHGHGHGH!!!!! I had gained ten pounds. TEN POUNDS!!!! I now weigh... 190.6 lbs.
!!!
Okay, that is an exaggeration, because I weighed myself at night, and I had a lot of water-weight, and food in my stomach, and that sort of thing.
But seriously. Whenever I gain weight suddenly to a point that shocks me like that, I get really SHOCKED. And READY to DIET.
I'M READY TO DIET!!! I just think about all those people from high school, who remember me as how I looked then-- and I think I gain weight in my face... and oooh this part is soo embarrassing... since high school, I've gained THIRTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!!
*sob sob sob sob*
I don't want to forget this strong motivation once I begin losing weight. Even when I lose ten pounds, I want to think of my NEW weight as negative, not positive. Because if I relax because of my happiness of losing ten pounds, I won't be able to lose more than that, and in my relaxation I will probably even gain the weight back. It's what all those dieters mean when they say, "I can't lose focus."
Yah-I-am-so-ready-for-this!! No stopping me now! I sure hope I don't forget this feeling! GRRRRRRR!
AAAGHGHGHGH!!!!! I had gained ten pounds. TEN POUNDS!!!! I now weigh... 190.6 lbs.
!!!
Okay, that is an exaggeration, because I weighed myself at night, and I had a lot of water-weight, and food in my stomach, and that sort of thing.
But seriously. Whenever I gain weight suddenly to a point that shocks me like that, I get really SHOCKED. And READY to DIET.
I'M READY TO DIET!!! I just think about all those people from high school, who remember me as how I looked then-- and I think I gain weight in my face... and oooh this part is soo embarrassing... since high school, I've gained THIRTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!!
*sob sob sob sob*
I don't want to forget this strong motivation once I begin losing weight. Even when I lose ten pounds, I want to think of my NEW weight as negative, not positive. Because if I relax because of my happiness of losing ten pounds, I won't be able to lose more than that, and in my relaxation I will probably even gain the weight back. It's what all those dieters mean when they say, "I can't lose focus."
Yah-I-am-so-ready-for-this!! No stopping me now! I sure hope I don't forget this feeling! GRRRRRRR!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Emotions are Powerful.
Emotions are strong. I have very strong emotions. My teacher at ASU said I had bad self control. To be ruled by emotions like that-- to CRY- ? - when your emotions boil hot or whirl in a snowstorm-- is a loss of self-control.
NO WAY!! I think differently! Emotions are beautiful! What is it that makes people think we need to hide emotions? What is it, Mr. Music Sensei, that is wrong with sparkling tears, welling up from your insides, reddening your face, making sad noises slip out of your mouth, pushed out by overwhelming feelings? What is wrong with red-hot anger? Is there something unexpected about the feeling of total confusion? Those are powerful emotions, and they are real. There's no reason to hide what you feel-- what exists inside your heart! Even if you don't want to share your feelings with those around you, USE THEM! Use those feelings burning inside you, don't hide them from yourself too. Those feelings could take you somewhere-- to a career, to true love, to new ideas, inventions, lights, shining tower-spires, beyond the clouds, blue space, and beyond to what humans do not comprehend!
And. To feel that welling up in your chest when you are sad or angry-- that is GOOD! It's LIVING. You SHOULD be astounded, bewildered, and staggered. If you know how to send those emotions in the right direction-- up and flying, instead of weighing you down, pulling-- then you can DO something with them!
I want to use my emotions, their strength, the colors I love in nature, music that sends me flying, the stories I love and the characters that remind me of real people, my anger about things I can't change, EVERYTHING!-- to go where I am meant to go!
Aaagh! Dramatic!! :) Good.
Hmm-- I don't need to change myself as much as I thought. I've found my strengths-- I can use those. I am good at randomly jumping into tasks? Okay then! I'll RANDOMLY JUMP. I'll hurry when I feel like it. I'll run when I want to RUN! I won't keep WORRYING when others think I'm wrong-- I'll do what I think I should. I'm going to let my emotions pull me! (With some common sense mixed in:) It doesn't have to be so hard, so thought out, or pre-analyzed. I can be... who I want to be. I can be pristine and on-time receptionist, or an artist who paints flowers on hillsides, or a video game addict. No. More. Worrying. It. will. be. okay.
I suppose not everybody feels this way. I am being a bit of a drama queen, I know. And if you don't feel this way, that's okay too. But ALL humans DO have emotions. They are there for feeling, not for ignoring. Where I grew up in America, or at least, from the people I know... it seems like we think emotions are more of a handicap and a distraction than anything else. Not cool.... :0
NO WAY!! I think differently! Emotions are beautiful! What is it that makes people think we need to hide emotions? What is it, Mr. Music Sensei, that is wrong with sparkling tears, welling up from your insides, reddening your face, making sad noises slip out of your mouth, pushed out by overwhelming feelings? What is wrong with red-hot anger? Is there something unexpected about the feeling of total confusion? Those are powerful emotions, and they are real. There's no reason to hide what you feel-- what exists inside your heart! Even if you don't want to share your feelings with those around you, USE THEM! Use those feelings burning inside you, don't hide them from yourself too. Those feelings could take you somewhere-- to a career, to true love, to new ideas, inventions, lights, shining tower-spires, beyond the clouds, blue space, and beyond to what humans do not comprehend!
And. To feel that welling up in your chest when you are sad or angry-- that is GOOD! It's LIVING. You SHOULD be astounded, bewildered, and staggered. If you know how to send those emotions in the right direction-- up and flying, instead of weighing you down, pulling-- then you can DO something with them!
I want to use my emotions, their strength, the colors I love in nature, music that sends me flying, the stories I love and the characters that remind me of real people, my anger about things I can't change, EVERYTHING!-- to go where I am meant to go!
Aaagh! Dramatic!! :) Good.
Hmm-- I don't need to change myself as much as I thought. I've found my strengths-- I can use those. I am good at randomly jumping into tasks? Okay then! I'll RANDOMLY JUMP. I'll hurry when I feel like it. I'll run when I want to RUN! I won't keep WORRYING when others think I'm wrong-- I'll do what I think I should. I'm going to let my emotions pull me! (With some common sense mixed in:) It doesn't have to be so hard, so thought out, or pre-analyzed. I can be... who I want to be. I can be pristine and on-time receptionist, or an artist who paints flowers on hillsides, or a video game addict. No. More. Worrying. It. will. be. okay.
I suppose not everybody feels this way. I am being a bit of a drama queen, I know. And if you don't feel this way, that's okay too. But ALL humans DO have emotions. They are there for feeling, not for ignoring. Where I grew up in America, or at least, from the people I know... it seems like we think emotions are more of a handicap and a distraction than anything else. Not cool.... :0
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)