I'm still alive! And quite poor. But happy.

I am in love. Don't tell Merrick. It's him, though. Just so you know.

And we're not even close. We're far away. Ninety or so miles, to be exact. Wait, that's not exact. Just a minute. 105 miles away. From each other.

*Sigh*

I've had my first kiss by now, by the way. :)   :)   :)

I actually moved away from Atlantis a while ago.

But do you want to know what the glorious thing about this is? I can type this to you all, my dear readers, from my blog dashboard. No more cheating by doing it through e-mail anymore.

*Sigh*

I don't want to be rude, but I am in the palace library, but it's open to the public. Thus the dude sitting next to me who smells strongly of something or other. I don't know what the smell is, but it is strong and woodsy, or smelly, and not in a good kind of way. But distinct. Maybe sawdust? Or... egh! heheh. I'm sure I smell bad sometimes.

But still! *shiver*

And my nose isn't getting used to it! That's uncommon, you know? Usually, you know, how you get used to a smell after a while? That's why, when you go to candle-selling parties or whatever, where there are many different scents to explore, they have a little dish of coffee beans or something like that for you to shock your smell-glands (?) and re-start your senses.

I live in a huge city now. What is it called? I can't divulge the name to you..... because I forgot what it's called.

Actually, to be honest... I am supposed to explain what its name is. It's so hard to be imaginitive when I'm distractable. And hungry! Not the point. I need to leave the palace soon, as the hour of eight draws near, and head to my quarters in the ancient ruins section of the city. If I don't, I'll run into raucous rabble as it grows dark.

I am a princess, and this time I truly get to be a princess in rags. It's like, I'm trying slowly to rise.

Now, here's something I was thinking about today when I was on the crystal train. You want me to tell you? Okay.

So. The city I'm living in is Ascadia, with many a watercraft roaming about, underground tunnels, and ancient ruins on the outskirts.

When I take the crystal train, or the hover-strip, and the Whisper, I have time to think. This time, I was thinking about how hard I am working to find employment.

As a girl of royalty, who

*my nooooooseee*

By the way, I am reading The Wallflower by Tomoko Hayakawa in English. Yes, I have broken down and started reading manga in English, instead of trying to learn Japanese first. I have no access to Anime, since I have no apartment of my own, and left my personal computer back with my boyfriend, Merrick, in Atlantis, the only way I can access J-media is to read manga at my public library at the palace here in Ascadia. I haven't been studying the language of Nippon (sorry, this isnt my Japanese keyboard) either, because I've been focusing on employment.

But back to that. As a girl of royalty, I've got to keep my status on the down-low. I dress normally as possible, and sift myself among the normal people

*hence the smiffy shmellick ick ick ..... smell*

Ha ha ha!

Anyway, I'm being mean and gossipy and it's pointless. My point! My point, was, okay.

I hang around the normal people. As part of my adventure, I have to survive without help from my contacts and royal support system. Instead of asking permission to receive funds from the golden treasury like I did after my sixteenth birthday, I have no access to it at all. This adventure certainly is a challenge, I will admit it.

I have to find my own food, which I pathetically leach from our very own government of which I have a part in the say of, and I also request other services of it.

With this bit of help here, and that bit of help there, and advice from about twenty people (maybe more, no joke!) I might be getting by as a normal Kaeto-Atlantian citizen. We shall see!

For now, I have been submitting numerous applications to companies and tall, shiny buildings in the vicinity of and nearby the city of Ascadia. As of today, I have attended one interview with personnel from a high-end merchandise store, and have another set for tomorrow for a barista position.

Prayer to the beautiful God I know as Christ!

Alas, my time is up. I must now exit the central palace and head to the ancients, where I shall read The Wallflower and enjoy a night in the dreamworld.

Time to Clean and Work Out!

It worked! I slept a long time, at night, when it was DARK! Ha ha ha...

I'm going to go and do a lot of cleaning and working out!!

Maybe I should think about not reading stories or watching them (before bed) but instead doing something CREATIVE, like drawing. Creative outlet=relaxing.

CLEANING!!! WORKING OUT!!!!

Schedule Idea!

I had a thought about making a schedule, syllabus, or something like that... for a set of weeks... about all those goals I'm always talking about. (I tried it a while ago for specifically weight loss, but I lost motivation.) I've also decided I need to learn Spanish before I get too much into the Japanese. I could get my Spanish down much faster, especially since (haha) I know its alphabet, at least!

I'll develop a week by week schedule of things I'll do, every day, like a teacher might assign for a class. The only thing different about this is that they're not "assignments" as they are more like "study periods" in which I need to learn a certain amount of information, or read something. I think I've picked too many things~~

Bible (reading chapters)
Spanish (grammar and vocabulary)
Piano (practice - exercises and pieces)
Theory (Music, beginner)
Japanese (characters)
Weight loss (diet+exercise)

Haha. Yeah. A bit much, right? So I either have to cut some out, learn how to focus really really well and continue with this plan, or divide them up and work on them, just even and odd days.

Basically, I'd be studying each subject for half an hour a day or so. It's like school, but I'm re-teaching myself how to study, independently, which could help me be much more efficient than I normally am. I know that doing lots of subjects in one day might help me focus better, simply because it's less boring, and less boring means it takes more energy--I'll be jumping into new tasks (and subjects) more often.

It's a good idea. The important-est thing, though, is that I don't let myself slack off after I've tried this. I have to keep trying, each day-- it's my consistency that is the problem more than my motivation. I have strong motivation... but I lose it fast. I have to keep up the strong motivation, and I'll be unstoppable!! Hee hee.

Once I make a schedule, I'll put it in a post so I feel like it's a bigger deal, and I'll take it seriously.

This is exciting.

Here I go....

A Boring Tuesday!

I woke up at noon yesterday, but I got up in time for work. When I called to make sure they needed me, there was confusion and the lady on the phone told me I was "called off". (If there aren't a certain number of residents in-house, they call off an assistant, and I'm last on the list, so I that would mean I don't work.)

But oopsie! I was actually supposed to go. So I was an entire hour late! Haha. :)

Working is fun. I meet a lot of elderly people, and even though caring for them might be messy, it's also amazingly fun to get to know their funny personalities, talk about life, joke around with them, and care for them when they need help. They're actually quite adorable.

It is also a good way for me to learn to be a less prideful person. Everybody is always saying, "Cara, you're so nice" and I'm thinking inside, "Yeah, that's what you think!!" So ultimately, I'm actually a lot more stuck up than they know. Doing a hard job like this might not be able to cure me of my hidden snobby thoughts, but at least I deserve being praised if and when I am praised, because I really did hard work. I'll just have to learn not to be so sensitive when people tell me I've done a good job.

I don't want to be impressed with myself because other people are impressed with me-- instead, I've got to be confident in myself because I really have done a good job.

A sweet guy named Freddy can't talk, so we use this hardback clipboard with papers stuck to it, that have words and letters that he can point to, when he wants to tell us something. The things he says might be "pain pill", "RN", "wash face" or "drink". It is very hard to understand him, but it's so much fun when I figure out what he wants. Today, he was spelling things for me by pointing at the letters. First, he said, "W-H-A-T-E I-S I-T?"

And I was like... "Uhhhh.... I'm sorry.... I don't.... Mmm...."

It was the "E" that was confusing me. But as it turns out, he was sticking an "E" in there for no reason. It MIGHT have actually meant something... but eventually, I figured out that he was trying to say, "What is it?"

By the time Freddy had showed me those letters five times through, he was pointing especially vigorously, more like... "What IS it?!!"

It was fruity orange-lemon-pudding stuff! Poor Freddy. But he's persistent, so finally, he was able to get me to understand... and he got to eat his food! He ate it all up, too.

Later that yesterday, he spelled out some very confusing words that I never completely understood, but included a sentence that ran along the lines of... "I am... the... with you... joy" and "happy with you".

Apparently, Freddy was happy that I was able to communicate with him! I was doing a good job! (My job is to make people happy while helping them through daily-life-activities, basically.) He enjoyed the fact that he could communicate by pointing and motioning, and I could understand. Imagine not being able to speak or write-- it would be CRAZY annoying. It's no wonder Freddy enjoys it when people finally can talk to him and--moreover-- understand. To be misunderstood or ignored is like being alone... because human relationships, without some kind of communication, (physical, verbal, nonverbal, eye contact, facial expressions, language, music) are not relationships at all!

That was a nice little thing at work. :)

Boring Tuesdays are great. (I don't mean boring negatively. Boring to me equals normal.)

Doubts are LIES!

I was watching Death Note, and something obvious occurred to me. Something obvious that I never noticed.

(Don't tell me anything. I'm only halfway through.) My idea popped up when he said something like, "You know, if you use your head, you can eat as many sweets as you like without gaining any weight." How reckless! For someone like me, that's like smacking science in the face.

People, like L, who are confident that if they want to do something, they can just do it. That... is a powerful belief.

It's not hard to attain this belief-- because it's so easy to lose it. I've lost it before, and I'll lose it again, but right now, I know what it is... --

Believing in yourself is just an absence of doubt. It's not necessarily important to phrase it like "believe in yourself" but more to stop doubting yourself.

Trying to make a decision is difficult enough when you don't believe you can do it half the time, because you are allowing yourself to doubt things unnecessarily.

It's important not to confuse this idea by believing in things that aren't logical, such as bungee-jumping to heal a broken hip, or trying to put yourself into a pre-defined physical stereotype when your physical self simply doesn't fit.... What I really mean when I say "things that aren't logical" is that you must determine what is a lie and what isn't.

Doubts are lies.

So when I don't know what career to pick, I'm letting myself get ten times more confused by thinking "I would likely NOT succeed in that career" about every single one-- if I think I can't succeed by going down those paths, it's no wonder I feel like my available choices suck!

I know, you're thinking, "You didn't realize this before? It's so DUH."

Well, it helps me a lot. Honestly... a lot of people doubt themselves and hold themselves back. Just imagine what you could do... if you had the ability to raise your eyebrows to a challenge, smile inside and out, then move forward with purpose. What could you accomplish, if you picked your challenges not based on your ability, but on your desire to reach something?

And with all barriers gone, what do I really want?

My fear... is a dark illusion. I can BRUSH IT AWAY LIKE SMOKE.

Doubting again: Confused!

AAAA!!! I went to work today for the first time by myself, no orientating-- it was ALL ME. And I did fine! So far. I think this will work out!

I was thinking about how I wanted to choose music as my major... and I'm afraid it's a dumb idea... again... (self-doubts... digging hole for self... I'm melting....)

Really, though... I mean, logically-- maybe I should choose a more stable career to start with. I have to look into the options. I HATE LOOKING INTO OPTIONS. It's so much decision making. UGGGGH.

I dunno if I want to be involved in health stuff anymore. I could be a nurse, though, or a... podiatrist... ooh, I know, one of those doctors who does autopsies. No, I changed my mind. I barely get by as a nursing assistant caring for old people, it definitely wouldn't be better to take care of people who are dead.

SIGH. Okay. I will just have to analyze this for a while. Here, so you know what I'm *actually* considering...

CRAZY IDEA                 WOULD LOVE IT      SAFER JOB SECURITY
music teacher in Japan      Language Interpreter     physical therapist
   and in the US later       (Japanese especially)      pharmacist
                                                                            nurse
                                                                            doctor of some sort (cancer, feet, kids,
                                                                                surgeon, ER)
                                                                            speech pathologist (helps people
                                                                                speak, form words)

I had a thought when I was watching a dumb GAP commercial. "That's the thing about style-- if everybody liked your style, you couldn't call it that."

Sudden Idea!!

I just realized something really important. (Imagine a giant flashing lightbulb here.)

See, I have bad habits sometimes, and I just figured out one of them that's affecting me NEGATIVELY, in a way I didn't realize!

I eat before I go to bed, a lot. Not only is that bad for my teeth and my weight loss attempts, but it makes me less hungry in the morning. It's no wonder it's harder for me to get up in the morning! Not that other people are starving in the morning when they wake up and that's the only reason they get out of bed-- but this, at least, would really help me to wake up a LOT better!

More than anything, I wake up for food. Like... ALWAYS. If NOTHING else gets me up, my desire to eat something breakfast-like or any-meal-like will get me up. Sometimes, I even wake up in the middle of my sleeping time, eat while half-awake, then go back to sleep.

I'm going to stop eating late at night, like, really seriously. It's a bad habit for a lot of other reasons, too, so this is pretty great. Probably about two hours before bed, I'll not eat, unless I'm über hungry. Yay weightloss and waking up before seven AM!

Priorities Re-organize! Final??...

Today, I got up late in the afternoon, and I didn't really know what to do next. THAT is why I've been so intent on cementing "priorities" into my head-- because I don't really have any. I don't feel strongly pulled to complete some sort of goal-- it's hard to have goals when you haven't finished school, but you're not IN school, either.

I'm lost with WHAT to do when I'm not directed... so I have to direct myself, and develop a regular routine of activities!

I need to do things because I HAVE to, as part of that routine. I'm going to start every day less like a to-do list from now on, and more like a routine. That's my problem-- I never develop a routine so that everything I do in the morning is some ridiulously difficult life-decision. Instead, I just have to LIVE!

If I DO want to make lists to remind myself of things, I have to take it seriously and come back to it the next day, EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

If I want to spend my time studying, then that's what my life will be filled with-- studying-- not "accomplishments". I can't think of them as accomplishments-- or finished tasks-- but as my regular routine. "Accomplishing" is more limited because when you finish one task, you still need to do it again the next day. I'm obviously thinking about it in the wrong way. Until I learn how to be consistent with things, I can't look at tasks like a game anymore, because it's never-ending-- there ISN'T a finish line yet.

I made a better priorities list-- it's basically the same, except a little bit rearranged.

1. pray
2. work
3. beauty
4. fatloss
5.|| 
6. BIBLE
7. PIANO
8. THEORY
9. JAPANESE

(CAPITALIZED=studies
lowercase=regular
|| is "pause")

This order works a lot better.  It's time to take them more seriously, make a routine out of them, and do it even when I don't want to.

I had a bad night! Part Three.

Wednesday night's craziness began when Daddy asked me how my job search was going. He was worried because of his evil but perfectly understandable ultimatum-- that if I didn't get a job, I'd miss our family vacation to the lake.

Frustrated, I knew that with only a few hours of Thursday's morning left to secure a job, I couldn't make any more progress. Either I'd found a job by the deadline, or I hadn't and I would have to find out in the time that my family was on vacation, and maybe search further while I stayed home.

I tried to explain that we could only "wait-and-hope" at this point to Daddy, but I was so cavalier about it (how I usually am about deadlines) that he was incensed almost immediately.

(I was a little mad that he was asking me The Stupid Question, yet AGAIN, and my anger didn't help. Of course it really wasn't a stupid question, I was just so irritated by it!! He asked it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Sometimes I'd run away down the stairs when he got home in the evening, just to avoid the stupid question.)

Daddy would have rathered I just LISTEN to his reprimanding. I didn't handle that well. Mom was there too, interjecting, and telling me that I should just be quiet or that I shouldn't say this or that.

Somehow in the midst of the talking, and the me-arguing, Mom brought up my laptop. She doesn't like it that I watch TV instead of doing other useful stuff. Or at least, that it takes up too much of my time. And she's right-- I don't know how to balance my time. I spend too much time watching TV and not enough cleaning house, eating healthily, exercising, studying, searching for a job, etc. Watching TV makes me lazy. It holds me down, and I LET IT. I haven't been admitting that to myself. I never do.

Mom seemed to know how to solve the problem. "Why don't you leave your laptop upstairs tonight?" AKA, don't watch TV tonight.

"No, I'm not going to do that," was my response. I was irrationally stubborn about it, and it went back and forth like that for a while.

"I'm going to take it from you, Cara."

"You can't do that. Just leave it alone, okay?" I felt like an addict or something. It was so embarrassing, it made me giggle. But it was horrible.

So I picked up my baby and took it downstairs, then stuck it in my couch-side stand drawer, where I thought she wouldn't find it. But who could imagine what would happen next? I didn't imagine it, or I would have taken my laptops down to the garage and stuffed them in a box along with the sleeping bags.

I was messing around in the laundry room, which is across the corridor from my room. When I looked up from taking care of some of Mom's laundry, there she was, skulking around in my room. She was peering in drawers.

"Cara, where's your other laptop?"

She'd taken my blue one, the one I use solely for studying. I was so furious-- this was totally crazy.

"That is not cool, Mom."

"Where is it? I'm taking it."

"NO, you're not, you don't know where it is."

"Cara, you tell me right now. I'm taking it. You can't be allowed to have it."

 I walked away.

"Cara, you tell me RIGHT NOW!"

I looked back over my shoulder, laughing. "Mad now?"

I didn't realize it then, but I doubt she was as mad as I was. It was just ME who was mad-- because I was slowly losing control. It's the worst feeling for me-- losing control.

My mother, to me, was acting... well, I don't want to be disrespectful. But I knew she shouldn't have done it.

I told her, too. I went into her room, and yelled at her.

"This is the kind of decision I have to make myself! What do you think it will be like when you're GONE, Mom? You're going to be DEAD! Really DEAD! I won't have you here, and there won't be anybody to take away my laptop! I'm twenty-one! This is not the right way to help me!"

I was so angry. I hissed, possessed with passionate anger, "I will never do this to my children. You do NOT know what you're doing. And I hope that hurts." With that, I exited.

Well, it wasn't much of an exit. As soon as I walked out, I hurried back in, and said, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm really sorry. That was horrible. I'm sorry."

Mom just kind of did this weird laugh-- like she felt bad, but she more just thought.. I was crazy. Really crazy. Like, an addict, doing anything she can to get back her relief-- her high.

I was horrified at my behavior. What was the big deal? I felt out of control? So what? Why couldn't I go and do something else? I didn't have to watch anime or TV every night. But-- I was SOO upset that someone could just take something away from me like that, and that I couldn't stop them. I hadn't expected a feeling like this.

Tears welling up, I walked out of Mom's room. As I headed past the stairs, down the entryway, into the kitchen, I spotted my dad messing around with something foodlike, and at the sight of him, I rabbit-sidestepped to the left into the small hallway leading to the office, then whirled into a small two-door bathroom.

I faced the mirror, head down as my eyes filling with salty water, each having become their own small puddle. With both hands, I shut both doors to the sides of me and pushed in the locks with a quiet click. My heart was pounding with anger at my mother. Her actions were ridiculous. My tears dripping, slowed down my cheeks. I was angry, but I was giving up. I couldn't fight this battle.

Leaning against the door I'd come through, I sat for a while, then pushed myself until I was lying down on my side, in front of the toilet. My tears calmed and so did my heart, breathing, and self. The nightlight's flashing-- bright white when I came in, darkened to a sinister red. It was slow and gradual, but it seemed to me it seemed fast and flashing, so I jumped up, yanked it out of the plug, tossed it onto the counter, then resumed my position on the floor.

Then I listened.

Lying on the floor was calming. I could hear others walking past the door, but no one called for me. I was safe inside this little room. I was safe, listening to my breaths, with only simple thoughts running through my mind, and flat against the smooth, stable floor.

Lying there in the dark, I realized something I wouldn't have if my mother hadn't have stolen my laptops. I AM addicted. Yes. Like a drug. I need TV to help me feel calm. Without it, I can't sleep. Without it, I can't stop my scary thoughts of failures from running through my head, over and over, like a powerful, sucking tornado. I act like a crazy person when people try to take away that drug. But this feeling now... it feels just like TV. This feeling of calm, of empty thoughts, of safety, and... I can breathe. I'm breathing right now. In and out. TV is an easier solution, but it... feels the same as this does.

Maybe I should do THIS more, so I don't let TV take me away for such long periods of time. Kind of like, meditation, or just plain thinking... resting... a different form of sleep.

Finally, after a long time, I rose and went about other activities. Secretly, I decided  that tomorrow, I would search the house when Mom went out on errands. When I found my laptops, especially my favorite baby, I would just take it and hide it in a really good spot, even proving that I didn't need it. For a while, I consoled myself with this thought-- it was the only power I had. But after a while-- I even tried sticking my head in my Mom's room for a moment-- I couldn't make myself search. I realized-- if I DO go and search, I'll be being JUST as CHILDISH as my mother was being to me! I can't do that. It's too ridiculous. I was angry enough at her actions to hold out. I told her that later, too.

As it turned out, my mother never had much of a plan. I am continually mad that she did it, but the results were eventually positive. I ended up getting my laptops back without much problem later the next day, even though I don't feel like I really deserved them, now that I realize (from lying on the bathroom floor) how real my problem is.

I now realize, my mom isn't very good with discipline. She's got great ideas, but she can't stick to them. I know how she feels, I have a hard time sticking to rules I've created for myself, or others, as well. It's kind of a boundaries problem-- and it's important for me to admit her problem because it affected the way I grew up and the way I make decisions. I can't just ignore this out of respect for her, as damaging as stating this might be. I've got to learn how to exercise self-control when it comes to my boundaries of self-- the decisions I make about relating to others, and the decisions I make about myself are all about my own boundaries that I have to create for ME. And that's because... apparently, nobody taught me in a way that I would learn it. But now, I think I'm getting it! SLOOOWWWLY.

Thursday morning, I was all nerves and terrified. I called my potential employer, but I couldn't get a hold of the director or anyone who could actually help me. What could I do? I was supposed to wait for a call, and I'd already tried to contact them instead. What could I do?--

Nothing.

I finally came to the point where I was sitting on my bed, clutching my cell phone desperately. I was done crying, but my face was still all covered with tears of frustration and the knowledge that all my efforts were futile. I had absolutely no control, I realized, in the end. It was too late.

I could look to my heart's content in the following weeks before September 1. I knew I could find one, because there were hundreds of other options here in New Brighton.

But I needed an answer NOW.

It was 1 o'clock. At nine in the morning, I had five hours to learn if I could secure the job. Now, it was TIME TO GO.

I hated the desperation of that moment, but it felt good, in a way, because I had done all that I could, even though it didn't feel like it.

I didn't know what to do. I was really, really, REALLY worried about something I couldn't do a thing about.

As I sighed tortuously again, I suddenly heard my ringtone.

”はやくでて！”  My phone was crying in Japanese-- ""Moe, Hayaku dete!" (Hurry and pick up!)

My eyes widened in surprise and I gasped with disbelief. I was laughing the entire time the phone was ringing!

"No WAY!" I yelled. In a second, I had checked the caller ID-- unknown.

It was who I wanted it to be. As I spoke to the woman on the phone, I was fearful that the news I wanted to hear would be the complete opposite. But it wasn't! In fact, she apologized for calling me so late, as if she'd forgotten, and even referred to herself as a "flake".

*Whew*

As you can guess, I ended up going on vacation. The trip with my mother in the car ended up going exceptionally. She had forgotten both her wallet and license, and I had brought mine, so I got to drive our trailer (with the bikes, canoe, and kayaks) for a while. Throughout the entire trip, I got closer to my family more than I'd expected. It was delightful! Besides the fighting. Haha.

So. What did I learn from this experience? The biggest thing, the thing that I most want this blog entry to communicate, was the way I felt when I was lying on the floor. I admitted that I was being affected by TV, in a way I hadn't believed. I had no idea my love of anime and TV was so strong that it was pulling me away. I thought I was in control, and I wasn't. Even now, I think I'm still not doing well with this.

So I'm thinking, it would help, BEFORE I  start a TV watching session, I should always do one of these activities, for at least ten minutes-- not doing anything but LYING DOWN or SITTING:

lying on a floor somewhere, it doesn't have to be with the door closed, but it might be more effective if I'm alone.

going outside somewhere, take a blanket, or sit in a tree, and close my eyes.

go somewhere in a room and turn all the lights off, assume a position, and stay there.

lie on a couch.

sit in a yoga position.

sit on a table or desk.

Basically, sit or lie down anywhere that's peaceful. Do it frequently, and before involving myself in any stories-- books, audio, or TV. This would be fun. I've tried this a few times and it feels very good. The fact that I came up with this is pretty good, because as it turns out, this is a method similar that psychologists use for people addicted to things. It's perfect. If I find a harmless substitute, I can avoid getting pulled into watching TV without involving my will.

Also, I'll look really weird to other people. Haha! Yay. I'm going to try all those ideas above. Winter, here I come. I'm not giving up.

New Clothes!

 I want to lose weight! I have all these clothes I want to buy. You know, the cool kind!

I haven't been shopping for entire outfits for... two years? Wait... each year, starting in the fall, ending in the summer...

 2007 to 2008..........2008-2009..........2009-2010.......... yeah, right now, it's exactly three years since I went and bought three dresses for high school graduation. I'm being stubborn about it, see, because I want to buy clothes that fit me at the size I want to be.

I'm getting there! I'll buy black tights, earmuffs, and boots with heels, if they're not too tall!! I'll be looking for trench-style winter coats, maybe with some fur, maybe not... and lots of buttons. I really like those knit gloves that show your fingers, too. I have two pairs already.

I also want lots of shoes that make my feet look tiny. I'll buy a few purses, but I don't really like purses that much, so maybe I won't need more than two or three.

I'm going to buy one of those knit tops that goes down to the thigh, with a turtle-neck. Then I'll wear thigh-high opaque stockings. I really don't know how to put outfits together, so it'll be a bit of work for a while.

I also want to buy a lot of dresses! With little sweaters to go over top, or jackets, plus heels, tennis shoes, slippers, boots, stockings... and I'll need a nice messenger bag for my homework.

And jeans and t-shirts! Ooooh, I just love the simplicity of it. I want some t-shirts with my favorite anime stuff on it. And some very cute tennies, especially, and I'll put my hair up curly in a ponytail, or I'll just straighten it.

I want my style to imply happiness, elegance, perhaps something musical. I never want to stop dancing.

Maybe by then, I'll get some of those rocker-girl style bangs, low into my eyes. And layers-- lots of chunky layers.

When it gets cold, I'll use my earmuffs, or a cute hat like the ones they always use on animes to show someone is from Paris. And scarfs!! I really like winter, with its frost, the foggy breaths, crunchy ground in the morning, wrapping up when it's time to go out, tea, and the crying, oceanic rain!

I miss this stuff. Shopping is fun, but I've held myself back. That's not cool. I've got to do my best at this!! I have to win this battle. Here I come, winter.

Finishing Tasks and Not Quitting Before You Do!

Sometimes-- well, often-- I quit what I've started... I don't finish. I don't like it when I do that, but lately I'm not very good at continuing with a task, at all. I know why, though! I figured it out! When I'm in the middle of a task-- say, practicing piano-- I just need to think, "I'll be done soon" or "eventually" or "at five-o-clock."

I just need to focus on the end-- on finishing! It's like, the ultimate acceptance of reality-- that thing I'm not so good at-- where you have to admit that there comes a time when you needed to have that task finished. But if you just think, "I'll be done by...(insert time here)..." then you'll be able to do it!

Sara's Get Confidence in Life Plan!

Sara's Get Confidence in Life Plan:

-- TAKE IT SLOWLY.

code!
B - Bible
W - Work
F - Fatloss
b|| - beauty/pause
P - Piano
T - Theory
J -  Japanese


now, daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
Find another job
F
b||
1/2 hr P
1/2 hr T
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.


Autumn qtr (sept-dec),  daily (6 days/wk): 
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
1 hr P
1/2 hr T
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.

Winter qtr (jan-march),  daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
Finish all Theory Homework, class 3 days a week
1/2 hr P
1/2 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.


Spring qtr (april-june),  daily (6 days/wk):
1/2 hr B 
W
F
b||
Finish all Theory Homework, class 3 days a week, B4 other studies.
1 hr P
1 hr J
SLEEP EVERY NIGHT
--all 6 days a week.

Summer: work FULL time, 4+ish hours of piano, 1 hour of workout, OR more classes if possible.

2nd year: all classes, plus work, no independent studies-- all for CREDIT.
theoryII, piano lessons, language, other

3rd year: all classes, plus work, no independent studies-- all for CREDIT.
theory III, music history, piano lessons, language

4th year: all classes
all other music, language, piano lessons

Time to Run!

I've decided to be really strict with myself, once and for all. I have one of those planners that obsessive people carry around, so now I'm going to use it to be obsessive about the way I spend time. I mean, I'm not naturally good with time, so I'm going to use my planner to actually DO the opposite: be efficient.

It's really simple. When I think of something I need to do, I write it down in my planner. Eventually I'll won't have to scribble and erase because I'll get used to the routine (and maybe won't even need the planner anymore). If I don't have my planner available, I can write it down on my "daynotes" computer file, on a piece of paper, or on my mirror. Mirror stuff should usually be specifically goal-related (BWFbPTJ) but if I have a random inspiration, I'll write on the mirror anyway.

I'll keep "appointments" and "to do items" separate, so that I make it to those essential activities (work, appointments, and meetings) right on time. Other "to-do" items are to be finished ASAP.  I will instead procrastinate on the fun things, instead saving them for later, just breaks, or just skip them altogether (these include watching TV or lolly-gaggling, etc).

I will either create time limits, or a set timer for my breaks. When I don't do one of those, I'm acknowledging that I won't be quitting for something like two hours, or more. That's not helpful, and I can beat myself up when I make a mistake, but I can't let my confidence get messed up over it. ♥

Oh. I have to go. I hear someone doing my dishes! : / Time to clean up. :)

My Career Plan!

CLASSES! JOB-PICKING! Care-giving is a good job, and it pays enough that some people (SOME) make it their career choice, even very late in life. So it's great and everything. But it wasn't hard to get there, and I want to have a job that takes more intellect, I guess! :)

So in thinking about my next classes and job choices, I had to pick my career, too. I think I've got a pretty good plan here....

It's still a little bit iffy, and I need to research more about interpreting and translation careers, and what type of music bachelor's I'm going to want. I also am contemplating squeezing in some sort of business classes, since that might be necessary if I'm going to run my own piano lesson teaching business!! (aah. that's a half-hearted scream.) Here you go:

my career plan.
Now: *Keep my NAC job. (it's waaaay part-time, I need another one.)
*Start working as an piano accompanist - I need EXPERIENCE! (In sight-reading and performance)
if not, get another care-giving job, NOT a waitressing job or something!! Look for a HOSPITAL care-giving job--!!! (better $$ I think...?)
*Also: read my bible daily, exercise daily and lose weight to be happy, study piano and languages.

Education steps:Get SOME sort of bachelor's in Music, preferably something that gives me a lot of skill so that I am a GOOD piano teacher, at university level.

While I study music, I also need to learn one language. If I can finish one, I'll move on to another, but first I start with Japanese. 日本語 will likely take more than enough time. (Next in line are Spanish, French, Chinese, Russian... well, unless I decide to focus solely on Asian languages.)

?Can I take this B.A. with me to Japan and work as a language teacher there? (or music teacher??) yeah, That's the questionable part. I have to GO to Japan for a while, at least, if I want to work as an interpreter.

Career Results:Ability to work as a professional, skilled piano teacher, opportunity to continue school and study languages.

Get the kind of language degree that is very advanced in the direction I want to go in so that I can continue as an interpreter who really knows what she's doing in the line of interpreting that I want.

translation, work for a translation agency--?
teach piano lessons
know business stuff so that I do well in my career
keep learning more languages and traveling

Pretty good. This is quite a bit more lined up than I've ever had it before! I can do this. And I love the plan!! Only issue: money. (?whatever shall I do about that?? GET MARRIED!! ahhh nooo noo just kidding. Until and if that happens, I have to find a way to make it all myself....)

AAAAAGHGHGHG

WOOOWWWSIEEEE! THAT TOOK FOREVER!!!!!!!! AAAAUUUUGGGGHH!!!

That's all I need to say.

Okay... two more things. It was horrible.

And... I might never want to change my background AGAIN!! :,C I mean, I'm just really picky with colors, so the colors you see, well, they were very CAREFULLY selected!! I very much like how Romeo and Juliet happened to be over there in the visible section by the blog archive. :) Anyway, I NOW know how to choose whatever background I want, which I was trying to do for sooo long... YES!! :D

8O

8)

Cara is Crazy: Possible Reasons Why

When I have fights with my mom, I take on all her feelings that she has toward me-- when she gets upset during the fight, I mean-- and I get all emotional and upset and teary and stomach-hurting as if I was the one who caused her to feel that way.

I mean, sometimes it IS true that I'm the one who caused her to feel bad. But other times, it's NOT my fault. I have to start admitting that when my mom feels upset during one of our fights, it might just be that she isn't good at handling stress and arguments because she feels bad about herself. I mean, arguments are usually where people yell at each other, right? Well, our arguments almost ALWAYS end with tears. More often, it's been her getting teary, and not me. (I cry later, when I'm feeling emotional and annoyed at the emotional trauma slash disharmony we're causing each other and the other occupants of our house.)

We argue because we can't communicate. It's never really about an actual issue-- it starts that way-- but I think we argue more because we want to change the way we communicate with each other. I say something to her and she doesn't like my tone, so she gets snappy. Since I hate it if she gets snappy, and I feel that I should be allowed to have whatever opinion I want, I get snappy back, which is disrespectful and unnecessary, so she responds by telling me that (fair enough). But by then, I am on a roll, and I don't want listen to her reprimands, so I continue arguing about whatever.

Our arguments usually follow that script. We argue because we want to change the other person....? I guess. We don't like what the other person says or has done, and we say so, and then the other person gets grouchy about it....

I dunno... She wants me to go see a counselor, as if it's my problem. I think I have problems to work out with the counselor, but it annoys me that she might be implying that I am the one who needs to fix something. She says that it's not that, but instead the reason is because SHE can't be my counselor, she needs me to talk to someone ELSE. Basically, I'm stressing her out with all my problems, and she doesn't want to have to handle them, and with our relationship the way it is, there isn't enough trust to solve any issues I'm worried about. It's perfectly sensible-- those reasons-- but I do know that the reasons she and I have fights are not simply my doing. I think she has some things about HER personality that make it very hard to communicate with her. It bugs me that I can't maintain enough control of my emotions to let the things she says not bother me, but somehow I always become hurt, angry, or panicky and I say something to her that leads into another fight. And once one starts, she's so stubborn that she won't let it go until either she's crying or she's won (said her piece or I've agreed.)

I'm going to write down some things that I need to discuss with the counselor, kind of like an outline of my problems so I don't have to tell zillions of stories and never solve anything. :) Here's my title:

These are the Ways in which Cara is Crazy and the Possible Reasons that Tie Together to Form the Reason Why

AKA "WHAT I WANT TO TALK TO MY COUNSELOR ABOUT"

Hahaha. That's pretty funny. :) Here goes. (Beware. This is going to look like a really dysfunctional person. I'm putting everything I can think of, though. I have to cover everything. I might be being a bit too dramatic. Oh, well. Being serious about this will help me to change, as long as I'm not TOO hard on myself.)

FIRST! I have a lot to work on. I don't know which thing is the most important to start with first. I really do need to pick a career, or some sort of direction with my education, and for a while that's what I was worried about, but if my mom keeps threatening to make me move out, maybe that's where I need to start first: communication problems/fighting with my mom and/or other family members.... *sigh*

WAYS IN WHICH CARA IS CRAZY: OUTWARD APPEARANCES
1. binging on food
2. social withdrawal
3. negative self-image or confidence
4. weight gain
5. failing in school, even though I thought I was trying really hard
6. addiction to TV

REASONS THAT TIE TOGETHER TO FORM THE REASONS WHY CARA IS CRAZY
1. Self-boundaries unclear (emotionally, decision-making, etc??? I don't know exactly, I haven't read much of that book yet.)
2. Mom is extra helpful about things I need to learn to handle myself, such as basic chores, getting a job, doing anything, really.
3. Anxiety, being really hyper instead of dealing with a problem slowly and carefully
4. Depression - feeling like, what is the point of life? Does everybody feel so futureless, like I do? If they do, that must be pretty awful. I just don't get what makes people happy. Life is so deeply shallow to me. I would never want to stop living, because I'm waiting for something, but at the moment, I feel kind of sad and worried that I can't pick a career, so I can't see a path in front of me.
5. Letting fear scare me so that I procrastinate; instead of facing my fear, I avoid acknowledging my problems

7. Not very good at understanding how other people feel-- or at least I WANT to, and sometimes it bugs me when I don't.
8. My communication problems (below)
9. Fighting: COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS - items that get in the way of mom and me understanding each other and therefore solving whatever confusion we have between us.

- Mom's temper/anger/aggravation - interferes
- My temper/anger/aggravation - interferes
- my sensitivity - I easily feel sad, upset, panicky about loss of control
- her sensitivity - she easily feels sad, upset, panicky about loss of control

I might be doing something wrong by writing down what I think her problems are. I mean technically, I can't know those things, and maybe that's one example of how I overstep my boundaries emotionally. Arrrgh.

10. I'm stuck-up. Even though I feel embarrassed, shy, and have bad self-esteem, it's really more complicated-- I'm just REALLY SENSITIVE-- I take what others say to heart and I don't trust my beliefs and my self. I let people's compliments blow my head up, but when I get criticized, my head deflates in a snap.
11. I assume I understand how others feel, when I don't, and then I tell them, and they get annoyed because they don't want me to analyze them, and they tell me I'm wrong. I also expect others understand how I feel, so when they don't, my words confuse them and cause more of a fight. As if, just because I know how I feel, everyone else should get it, too, and when they don't, it drives me nuts. I have to learn to be more solitary, more alone. That's how life is sometimes, but I also need to know how to lean on other people than just my family-- I need to lean on my friends, who might understand how I feel sometimes more than my mother.
I just finished a skype conversation with one of sweetest friends, Winter. I really feel a lot better now. Somehow talking to friends is completely different than anything else. I think I really do need to be careful not to be too shy or hiding-at-home, if spending time with friends helps me feel so happy!

My Job is Going to be Okay!

Work went well! I am not as inexperienced as I thought, and I think I can handle this job. Also, I like the building a lot, at Crystal Palace-- it reminds me of a hotel, and I LOVE hotels. (Just like I love the atmosphere in airports and restaurants and department stores...?) It doesn't smell quite so terrible as the location of my last employment. I'm excited to work there. Now I just have to be happy with myself, too.

I am a very nervous person. I mean, this is especially apparent in how I felt last night while I was working. I feel awkward around people who don't feel awkward around me, I'm REALLY fidgety, and I worry about mistakes I make, like not being able to find someone's pulse. I just have no confidence! Maybe that's not it... because I really do like myself as a person, mostly.... I think that part of the problem is that I have "anxiety" to the point that some psychologists would suggest medication. However, I want to learn how to control the way I feel, not suppress it. :)

It's easy to feel anxious when you're not confident. I think it is something that will go away on its own. I would certainly consider going to a psychiatrist to talk about it if it really is an issue, but I suspect it's not.

Anyway, it's not that bad. I have a bad complexion and I've gained weight. It's okay to want to change, as long as it's possible!!!

I'm off to bed. When I wake up, I'm going to work on getting some of those priorities done that you can see in my last post. Yippee!!

Evening Thoughts and Plans!

I'm headed to work at ten! AAA!!! So nervous. *sigh*

Some good mantras for today (or everyday):
*The Holy Spirit is connected to me.
*Jesus died for me.
*God loves me.

*I am capable of what I should be-- I CAN do this.

*Lastly, and importantly... I must always do my best to keep improving!

GOALS
1. car-miles notebook,
receipt recording,
don't spend money.
(except on my goals!:)
Learn how to cross "I need this" stuff off my shopping list by recognizing when I don't really need it. Basically, never buy anything. I should, however, buy something if it's NECESSARY for one of my goals.

2. P.R.I.O.R.I.T.I.E.S
(DAILY)
P1|Bible
P2|Work
P3|fatloss
P4|beauty, || PAUSE

(STUDIES: doesn't HAVE to be daily, but it's better if it is)
P5|Piano
P6|Theory
P7|Japanese

If I cover all my goals in one day, I will be more in sync with them, and comprehending their importance daily. Slowly, SLOWLY, I can increase my efficiency-- my power to get things done quickly-- and soon I'll be much more skilled in ALL the areas I'm trying to focus on, without having "bitten off more than I can chew". I'll gain the ability to multi-task, or "task-switch", and get everything I need to get done, done.

I must always do my best to keep improving!

I AM MAD ABOUT BEING FAT!!!

Last night I got back from vacation, and once I had a break from unloading the car, I went into the bathroom and stepped on the scale.

AAAGHGHGHGH!!!!! I had gained ten pounds. TEN POUNDS!!!! I now weigh... 190.6 lbs.

!!!

Okay, that is an exaggeration, because I weighed myself at night, and I had a lot of water-weight, and food in my stomach, and that sort of thing.

But seriously. Whenever I gain weight suddenly to a point that shocks me like that, I get really SHOCKED. And READY to DIET.

I'M READY TO DIET!!! I just think about all those people from high school, who remember me as how I looked then-- and I think I gain weight in my face... and oooh this part is soo embarrassing... since high school, I've gained THIRTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!!

*sob sob sob sob*

I don't want to forget this strong motivation once I begin losing weight. Even when I lose ten pounds, I want to think of my NEW weight as negative, not positive. Because if I relax because of my happiness of losing ten pounds, I won't be able to lose more than that, and in my relaxation I will probably even gain the weight back. It's what all those dieters mean when they say, "I can't lose focus."

Yah-I-am-so-ready-for-this!! No stopping me now! I sure hope I don't forget this feeling! GRRRRRRR!

Goodbye to Alex!

I am a little upset this evening, because I finally told Alex what I needed to. I did it because... because... I lied when I said, and implied, that I enjoyed spending time with him. I must never do such a thing again. I faked interest and made him think I enjoyed his company, but I was really only (selfishly) happy with the fact that he enjoyed my company. I lied by making him think I was happy with everything, and when something would betray me, I became great at covering it up with smiley faces, and "it's okay"s, or "I didn't mean anything by that..." or "no of course that's not what I meant" to hide my real feelings. I couldn't be FRANK with Alex-- to say the true, yet hurtful things-- because I wanted him to keep liking me as a person. Kind of desperate-- and pathetic-- and NASTY!-- of me.

I lied to Alex because I have major self-control issues and boundary definition problems. When I say that, I mean I do things like this:

1) I can't stop watching TV when I need to take a shower or complete overdue homework in a class I'm failing. TV also keeps me from doing normal social things that would be enjoyable if I could actually tear myself away from it.

2) I overeat sometimes, to the point of binging, where my stomach hurts a lot.

3) I'm very emotional in general, like, I burst into tears when teachers scold me about not doing well in school.

4) I can't focus on things, like reading a paragraph to understand a homework question my brother is working on, because I'm worried about how I can't focus.

5) I can't finish what I start.

6) I'm impatient and speak without thinking.

So overall, I have a lack of control. I can't stop myself from doing the things I want to do in the immediate sense. Food, relaxation, and being lazy come naturally to me, at first, and I don't stop myself from obliging my "immediate wants". But so does making other people "like" me. I'm a people-pleaser, and often, I'll do anything to stop people from getting a bad impression of me. Sometimes I try to guess what they're thinking of me and I don't even get it right, and I worry for no reason. And that was why I told Alex lies.

I also know that Alex would be delighted if our relationship progressed to a romantic level, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable because I'm sure I don't want that. I don't consider our lifestyles, personalities, or goals for our futures to be compatible. He's a great person, but if I was in a romantic relationship with him, I would wish he was different in too many ways. Not so nice of me. I want to be able to appreciate my boyfriend/husband's characteristics, and Alex, like any man, DESERVES THAT! that from the woman he wants to be with.

The biggest problem with the friendship between Alex and I was how intimate it was. I couldn't stop myself from saying everything I was thinking, and the things I said weren't always appropriate for a guy-girl friendship, but more for a more intimate girl-girl friendship or romantic relationship. I don't see Alex as completely mature in this area, either, and that's partly because he doesn't just want to be a friend to me, but a boyfriend. It's hard for me to draw a line about where we stand together.

Because of this intimacy, I'm afraid I can't explain ANY of this to Alex. The level at which we communicate is very close and understanding. I say whatever I feel to him (more of that self-control getting out-of-bounds). So when I try to explain it, I may explain something that he won't understand and he'll try to convince me otherwise. I mean, I'm considering editing out the boring and selfish parts of this blog and sending it to him in a PM on Facebook. But the problem is that if I do, he will want to argue about the situation with me, and try to change my mind. I don't want to argue with him, because it's pointless-- I won't be changing my mind. Unless, of course, I've assumed something incorrectly. And I don't want to go over this with him anymore!

You know... I already did this once, a while ago, when I tried to tell him I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him. He convinced me that everything was okay, so we stepped backward into the realm of "friends-only", which was falsely "okay" for a while... until now.

Alex bought all my lies-- hook, line and sinker. I am evilly proud of myself for my acting skills, but the result is an entirely different story.

This evening, I was answering one of his texts (along with having the usual argument with my mother about Alex, who thinks she understands everything about him, urrrgh). In a recent post of mine, I admitted that I needed to tell Alex the truth. But I was reconsidering that, AGAIN (!!) and thinking maybe... I could just slowly start ignoring Alex, and being stuffy and non-responsive, until he just kind of gave up. This evening, when I was trying to answer his texts, I realized I would be still lying if I did that, because Alex would never be able to derive the thought that I didn't want to be friends from merely apathetic texts. I couldn't be APATHETIC, I had to be absolutely TRUTHFUL. So I finally told him. FINALLY.

Alex: Hey what's up?
Me: Hey
Alex: How are you?
Me: Im good
Alex: Cool. What are you up to?
Me: Not much
Alex: Mind if I call you?
Me: I do mind. I don't have time to talk and i don't want to text with you anymore. I know this won't make sense, but i don't want to be your friend. I don't want to talk about it, either. I'm sorry i'm such a confusing person, but I am asking that you respect this request of mine.
Alex: What in the world? I don't get it. Well it doers make me sad and I was interested to hear about what you thought about the book.
Me: i'm sorry.
Alex: No you're not. If you were sorry you would care. I care about you as a friend and enjoy talking to you. And I thought you felt the same. It really doesn't make much sense.
Alex: Why the heck did you enjoy talking to me so much then?
Me: I'm not going to answer your texts. Bye.

And that's all. *sigh* I'm sorry I lied, Alex. But it doesn't have to make sense to you. It's the goodbye part that has to happen, not the making-sense part. And I'm sorry I can't explain it, and that you won't understand. So... goodbye.