Guilt. Food. Anime.

I realized something earlier today.

It has to do with the fact that I've been losing weight lately. I believe that my new method is contributing to this fact. I'll tell you my method, but seriously-- this only works if you are the type of person who feels guilty when she eats something that could "make her fat".

I feel guilty a lot. In fact, I think guilt might be one of the most natural things that stir my emotions. But it doesn't necessarily make me feel MOTIVATED. It makes me feel kinda lousy. And when I feel lousy, or depressed, I eat chocolate or watch too much anime. That means I am not studying, exercising, going to work, or spending time with humans.

So I'm living here at home. My family knows I like anime, and I have in the past spent too much time on it. So even though it's something I love a lot, and I've decided to enjoy it even if other people look down on me, but I'm not successful at taking their criticism in a useful way. Everyday, they talk to me about this or that issue that I have. They give advice. My dad wakes me up in the morning, his face white and his voice angry, telling me what I need to do that day. If I'm relaxing it's best to do it somewhere hidden because it's hard to relax when people are talking to you about touchy subjects. I just can't get out of this atmosphere, mentally, and it's tough to stay sane.

So yeah, they're right that this isn't good, I admit it. Because I like life too. I love music and making money and getting educated and dancing and having friends to hang out with. But I can't be that kind of person if I feel guilty about everything "bad" that I do. 

I need to make decisions before I take an action. I will say, "hey, I'm going to do this now" and NOT feel guilty about it. I won't simply eat ice cream or watch anime out of habit-- I'll make the decision to take the time or calories. If I don't want to do it because it's not good for me, or because it's not the time, then I'll make the decision NOT to do this thing. But either way, I will do my best to smash any poisonous, irrational guilt with my sledgehammer until it is as flat as a snake on highway blacktop.

That's kinda how I'm losing weight, too-- while gentle-stretching and heart-pumping exercise is deathly important, it's very essential that I keep in mind at all times not to feel guilty when I splurge on a little something here or there. Because I allow myself to eat literally any food or snack that I want to, (unless I'm full) I am mostly able to eat healthy. I can splurge any time I want. I have self-control BECAUSE I'm not on a diet, I'm free! My decisions are up to me regarding sweets and meals, so I feel free to make good decisions, and it's EASY.

So because it's easy, I don't even have to think about it too hard, and I'm no longer focused on food. In the past, I would worry about my "diet" so that I felt like I needed to "fix" something, which led to me eating. I felt like eating something would help my diet.

I was worried-- and thinking about food all day, excited about my next meal, focusing on food BECAUSE of my diet. Now, I don't feel like I have a problem regarding food, and so my urge to eat in order to "fix" something isn't there.

Of course, it also is necessary to be occupied with something else besides losing weight for this to work, or you won't be able to stop thinking about your diet in the first place. Replace your "eating worry fix" with something else. I replaced it with exercising, piano, Japanese, or looking online for college classes in a nearby city.

And bla bla bla. Thanks for reading! :)

WEIGHT LOSS! Me. Tips. For Sensitive Peeps.

This is a post I made to my weight loss diary at Weight Loss Fitness. (My name is Lindethiel.) I like it and I think it will be helpful to other people who are like me. And myself in the future when I get fat. I hope that doesn't happen, but I bet it's helpful to expect bad things so you avoid them :)

❝I wanted to leave an update :) I guess I started this diary in 2009? That was three years ago....

Anyway, I ended up gaining a bit of weight sometime... Maybe I had gained and lost even before 2009, or something, and I never admitted, but I should say my highest weight was 197.

But I started working out really seriously recently, and also getting busy with music and various activities, and then when I eat, I don't panic. I don't scold myself. I eat whatever I want. I just ate five or six pieces of chocolate, you know, those balls of chocolate that you have to crack on the counter and you get slices kind of like an orange? and an entire tray of Qiueen Anne Cordial Cherries. And now I'm satisfied for chocolate, and I'll go upstairs and eat salad with dressing and sunflower seeds and cheddar cheese, and possibly some toast or boiled and salted vegetables. Eggs sound good too. I'm able to eat anything I want because I'm a wild sort of person... I work out by dancing in front of my TV with my favorite music going, or by stretching a lot, or by jogging, or running around the house cleaning.

I eat healthy most often though, because it tastes better and makes my stomach feel happier. Working out makes you want to eat healthier since you're already in pain in the first place, the food you eat doesn't really matter too much. Since you're starving.

I reached my weight loss present today!! I have more to go, but today I weigh 168!!! Three days in a row, actually. I got to open my manga/comic book set that I'd bought earlier, Nana (ナナ) and I'm super happy about it~! It's lined up in my bookcase right now.

168 is very good for me. Recently I was 187, at my basic "I can't move away from this number" kind of thing. So this is fantastic.

And that's just how it's going so far! :) Thanks, everybody, for being supportive. I'll pray that you guys succeed as well!! :) ♥ [I know I'm a loser for not visiting the forum...for two years.] LOL...

Basically, if I could give one... err, a few tips, it would be like this.

1. Don't focus on food. IF (IF!) food is the problem for you in the first place, and if you don't mind trying something new, try forgetting about your diet. That doesn't mean giving up on your health and trying to kill yourself with cotton candy and fried chicken and potato chips just because you missed them. It means NOT beating yourself up about everything that goes in your mouth, and thinking you're a failure or a gross person. And your mouth NOT is a trashcan. If you go on diets a lot, this is hard to do because you (might) have trained yourself to worry a lot about your self control, what you eat, and bla bla bla. So you don't even trust yourself anymore.

So yeah, you should eat healthy. Some foods are bad for your heart and your joints and your life. But cracking your skull repeatedly on a brick wall as mental punishment will not make your self-control better. It's going to make you weak and afraid and embarrassed and not able to take hold of your problem and strangle it.

If you feel shame about how you are now, that might help you lose weight. But for me personally, it doesn't help me to slam my head into the wall of "reality" too many times. You COULD try accepting yourself, your body, your shape, even while you want to change yourself. You don't have to hate what you want to change about yourself. For instance, accept that you are handsome or beautiful, but tell yourself and other people you are losing weight for your HEALTH.

INSTEAD, FOCUS ON LIVING, GETTING FIT (no matter what age you are, get fit for that age) AND ENJOY IT. Get busy with that, and busy with trying your best to be happy and positive and cool and collected. And it's not easy, so don't be surprised if it doesn't work right away. You're going to have to work your butt off. And when you think you're at your limit, you have to keep going another twenty miles.



Other stuff that MAY help you...
2. make weight loss goals that are tiny. Even better, goals that you know you can make it to.
3. Weigh every day at the same time. (poop and meals and fluid in your body will change your weight, so take weight at the same time every day for accuracy.)
4. Accept what's going on. Admit the truth. If you gained weight, say it out loud. If you feel like punching the wall or crying, don't pretend you aren't upset by hiding it.
5. Don't make excuses, especially not to yourself. If you do that, you trying to make yourself feel better about making mistakes. If you just admit that sometimes you're going to fail, it isn't so difficult to try.
6. just believe in yourself already. There's no other way to have confidence except by taking it.❞

Doesn't give up! Cara goes North.

Quick update: 1. my daddy had ANOTHER conversation and this post is about me dealing with that.  2. Naruto Shippuden is GOOD! 3. I am losing weight! (That's positive. I've been trying to.)

Okay. So what do I have to do when I feel distracted? --and that's all this is-- I'm distracted by my embarrassment or shame when I have one of those "conversation"s with daddy. So, all I need to do is turn away and look at something else.

I can focus on piano, studying, and getting a job. In the end, that's the answer! If I focus on the negativity, I won't be able to do exactly what I need to in order to get RID of that negativity.

Talk about spiraling. Definitely... I need to be positive and encourage myself in order to REFOCUS.

REFOCUS!!!! Here I goes. God, please go with me and strengthen me. I need your help! Let's do this together. Help me make the right decision. You want me to go to Japan, right? And be a piano teacher and stuff? Or... something... Ha...   ; )

What's on the receipt?

Ahhh, I'm quite TIRED!!
I ran outside again today, just around the house, but at least a mile without stopping. I am really weak and pathetic, so that is a lot for me! Hopefully I will lose weight soon. I think I might be gaining, because of easter candy and me... not... restricting myself!

Don't think about it, Cara.

I just looked at my closet.

But I don't want any chocolate or candy, I'm full. I ate, and I can go get more food, like CARROTS, when I'm hungry.

Okay! Okay.

I also played DDR, and did fifteen kanji! Tomorrow I plan on practicing piano longer than an hour.

Piano is so much fun lately. I only recently found out that a person can find sheet music, like for voice or piano, online. Sheet music for vocaloid songs! Sheet music for anime openings!

IT'S AMAZING. I have a beautiful piano piece for Kuroshitsuji, a very difficult vocaloid piece called "Dolls", and the opening music for Romeo X Juliet the anime! (You raise me up.) Those are the ones I'm working on right now, but I found about thirty others. It's crazy fun, and it's gotten me to practice my classical piano music more, too.

Mom and Teddy and Nate went to Red Robin today and stuffed ourselves with gardenburgers, among other things. The ice cream was good! But I also thought of something while I was there.

Since I don't get out much.... Um... anyway, since I don't, it always makes me happy when I go places with other people. It makes me want to have a life, you know, like a job in a busy place, where I'm part of the system, like, something in the city would be nice. I especially like nice aesthetics, but that is hard to come by, so it's just a wish.

I was thinking to myself-- when I go to look for a job, I shouldn't be all self-doubting and feel like I don't deserve a job because I won't be good at it or like it's going to be hard, blah blah blah. I should just imagine the happy part-- like what I can see from this end of it, when I was eating out with my family. I should think of it as a fun thing, a new part of life that will become good and enjoyable. That's why I should make sure to get a job that actually WILL be fun, and not just take the first one I see ♥

Accepting! Running for your Life!

I got up this morning at 10:30-ish. I had boring breakfast and stuffed myself. I've gotten really hungry for milk lately, I eat it with chocolate or strawberry mix. I think it helps me lose weight because I drink it and BAM! there's half my stomach filled, but it acts as protein and builds and heals my exercised muscles. Cool, right? And it tastes so yummy.　But I get a lot of sugar, too... so if I when I am not working out, I avoid that, haha.

... The most lbs. I've lost so far... NINE pounds!!! Well, I can't officially count this until I can hold the weight for a three weeks, not just two.

Next, I did some anime watching, and after that, working out. Those were the main things, but it took me a while to start working out. My goal is to work out earlier in the morning, I could exercise twice a day if I did that, since there would be more time and energy in the evening for a second go.

Working out was good, not as hard as Wednesday's, and I felt more tired. I played DDR (YAY!!!) and ran outside. Tomorrow, I'll push myself harder. I think I have more energy at night, but I want to try and change my metabolism to start up earlier, is that weird?

GASP it's 2am. This isn't much of a "post before nighttime sleep" since it's morning....gaaaaa--

When I run outside, it really helps me to pretend that someone's chasing me. Especially if I imagine I'm going somewhere, (my castle/tower home, where I'll be safe when I arrive because we have security, but until then I must keep ahead of my pursuers, so I pretend the path I run on is the only one that runs through a thick forest). It feels real when I notice the smells of the trees and other green stuff outside. Especially what helps is to listen to my ipod, that keeps me going if nothing else does.

I was watching Phantom: requiem two or three days ago, and here's a quote that confirms this amazing idea while running: "When you pursue, think as if you're running. When you run, vice versa." How perfect is that? When I run, I'm NOT being chased, I'm pursing weight loss (or a workout), and so it makes me want to stop! Especially if I remember how easy it is to quit, and how much better I'd feel if I could go have lunch and watch anime or take a bath, or the fact that I haven't done the dishes. So quitting would be easy... but if I forget that I'm the one pursuing weight loss, and instead imagine that I'm running for my life, it becomes... easy. 

The only problem is that it takes a lot of focus to imagine things like that, and sometimes you forget to keep it up.

I also spent forever printing the Japanese Grammar Guide (click here for the link, there's a PDF and a lot of other language versions, too). I had to put it in THREE SEPARATE VOLUMES! But it was fun, and I learned new kanji in the process of decorating the cover. I will show them to you! :) :)

決める

「きめる」

kimeru

to decide

 

夢

「ゆめ」

yume

dream

 
午後三時です。

「ごごさんじです」  

gogo sanji desu

it's three p.m.

  

夜明けに

「よあけに」  

yoa ke ni  

at dawn

午前十二時です。

「ごぜんじゅうにじです」

gozen juuniji desu

it's twelve a.m. 

They say we would remember our dreams better if we wrote down what we remembered after we wake up-- that eventually we'd remember more and more each time. My life is a bit like a dream, really! I forget what I do, day by day. That means that I can't as easily change my habits, and that I try things over and over, wishing for different results, and not getting them. (Trying to lose weight without exercising or lessening sugar, going to sleep at THREE AM and thinking I won't be tired, etc.)

So I'm going to TRY and be less vague in my posts from now on-- as in, I'm going to write about the actual DETAILS of my life, like what the clock says and my daily choices. I can't lie to myself this way!

Journaling could be considered a form of meditation, you know. Meditation (in Kabbat-zin's book I'm reading) is all about being aware of what's really going on. Instead of trusting your perception, which would be how see something that you haven't really stood back and looked at objectively. Journaling can be a form of objective reporting-- as long as you avoid saying this/that is good or bad, and NO worrying about the past or future! I'm going to try it-- just telling the truth of what you see right then! Of course, maybe it's not pure meditation (I WILL be thinking, just not worrying) about past and future. It's not as simple as meditation in that sense, but then I might be a little off in the definition of meditation right now as I'm not very far into the book. No judging yourself harshly is pretty good for thought, whether or not you're meditating, right? :)

IDEAS
am- med
pm - journal

all day - prayer
- - - - - - - - -

Also while running... I came up with a better idea of how to look at other people. I thought, sometimes I love the uniqueness of my family. They're like anime characters in the way they're so unique-- compulsive, argumentative, obsessive, loving, and stubborn.

But I always want to help them; usually in a unhelpful, unwanted-advice like this-is-how-I-would-do-it sort of way. I don't think of my advice-giving from their point of view. And that really IS too complicated-- what I should do INSTEAD is this: accept people exactly as they are, not as they could be, and their potential, but right NOW. 

In anime, especially in the comical parts, the authors and animators like to make us laugh by showing off unique characters' quirks. These characters are weird and unique, for example, really beautiful, really dorky, really ecstatic, hyper, girly, manly, physically small, any type of extreme characteristic. The other characters either enjoy, are pulled along into the fray, or simply deal with their friends' and enemies' actions as best as they can. But they don't ever tell them they're weird or that they need to change. They only react to those characters' actions. Sometimes they imply "you're weird" or to that effect, but we as viewers don't ever expect the character to become less weird. And we love them weird. If they weren't weird, the anime would be boring and we'd go watch a better anime with more interesting characters.

If people can change, most can do it themselves. Only when I know exactly what to say can I give advice, and also only when I'm sure it's needed! In my family, that's .00001 % of the time, so never! (My family members are stubborn, and also very intuitive and don't need help like I sometimes imagine they do.)

That would feel so much better. I was saying recently that "respect" was the most encompassing way to explain this idea I just wrote, but really, "acceptance" is a little more encompassing. Respect is still included, but in a way, acceptance is a recipe with a little more of love-ingredient.

Acceptance lets you love and respect someone, but it adds something else. When you accept someone, you accept them completely and whole. Teddy, I don't just accept that you're you as you are-- but I know that you CAN become a better you-- if there is one. I have NO doubt you can fly, you can make whatever you want, go wherever you want, do what you can, be the best you--- I believe in you.♥

Gameshows Tell You the Truth Right Away!

Focusing on one thing in life is more useful for me. I am always trying to tell myself (I plan and think a lot but don't DO it, mostly) that I need to start (keyword: *start*) studying Japanese regularly, studying music regularly, etc etc. Those are good things, but I have to PRIORITIZE, meaning, pick one to go crazy over.

Right now, I feel that losing weight would change my entire life. I'm letting my weight change how I feel about myself. I could either get over it, or I could actually lose weight. I think the latter option is the best one, but it will only become possible when I start making it my mission in my tiny little life right here. Until I do that, I won't get closer to being happy.

But even better, some of this will come in time. I can be focusing intensely on losing weight, without neglecting other major types of focus like Japanese or religion. These things happen; I'll become internally motivated on accident-- I won't have to make myself. I've noticed it happens sometimes. But until it does or even when it doesn't, I should try and focus on usually just one thing at a time that I think is most important in my life-- a driving sort of force of learning... or education.

Other things need to be part of my life, not as a driving force, but as a living force, like breathing, a peaceful habit-- things that are necessary, such as: not lying down all day, prayer, eating, working (I'll have to work on that one, it's unknown territory) taking pills on-time, and sleeping regularly.

Another thing-- awareness is the same as telling the truth. I lie to myself all the time, really! Mindfulness is going to help me. After watching some of Fullmetal Alchemist, I thought about the flow of life idea-- that it's bad to assume you're above it, and try to change it.

I don't agree with tons of stuff in anime, spiritually and religiously, but it presents so many beautiful ideas! Really, there are many things animes have taught and are still teaching me. Anyway, I tie this to Fullmetal Alchemist by explaining that I thought I was above my life, above making decisions, even, as if, since I will be successful in the future, what I do now doesn't matter, because I'm perfect. EEERRRRRMP! WRONG!

Anyway, I've been telling myself things that aren't true, and imagining that I'm doing okay when I'm not. If I haven't succeeded at something, I may never. I always hope that somehow I'll be famous someday, and beautiful, and terribly skinny, and have awesome reflexes, and create amazing, strong bonds of friendship and love with people in the world... but these are all in my imagination. I can't just expect that I'm an amazing person-- I have to accept who I am and try and live.

Study & Simplicity Life Change!

When I study, I need to find a place that's comfortable, study as long as possible, then get up when it starts to become annoying and exercise! Then, go back and study, and repeat the process! I should be doing this all the time. I could make boot camp for myself. Monday could be my day when I go back to school.

I've been centering my life around exercising and I end up thinking about it and planning so much that I never get started. In order to do it more regularly, I might need to stop focusing on it so much and balance my life out-- I'm not going to need to exercise if that's all I do; I WILL need to exercise a lot if I'm studying all the time, because exercise and study perfectly balance each other in opposite ways. That's why I haven't been able to exercise-- I haven't needed it when it's ALL I ever do.

Use my time-picking post to elaborate on this, and create more study periods. Also, finish cleaning up my room so that I feel good, and exercise and carefully diet so I lose weight-- these are both things I don't need.

(parenthesis mean I picked a time)
- walking the dog
- going to bed (8 prep, 9 lockin, 10 lights out) - also pills/shower/facewash/teeth
- exercising
- piano practice 1+ hr AT LEAST ONE! for clarity.
- studying japanese
- studying the bible
- reading healthy books
- jobsearch (right now)

so far that's all--

note: exercise (and other tasks) when NECESSARY, don't exercise if you don't have time or you're busy with your LIFE! Exercising isn't something that has to be intense right away, just try and do it sometime every day. Be less scheduled about it and everything else; that's the way that would work wonders for me.

get up, clean up, study, pray.
7  - dog AM
10 - piano practice 1+ hr AT LEAST ONE! for clarity.11 - study 4 school
12 - jobsearch
17 - dog walk PM
- studying the bible
- japanese
- reading healthy books
20 - going to bed (8 prep, 9 lockin, 10 lights out) - also pills/shower/facewash/teeth

Weight Loss List!

stuff for my weight loss list?

what's left (not added) --> it's okay to remove stuff from my lists or replace it with something I like better, just try to avoid buying things that I don't want as much as something else!
--> lbs guidlines are just to help. I can't fit everything in if I follow that exactly:)
--> buy animes together if shipping is cheaper, it's okay as long as I put them away at home until it's time.
-->!! ADD MANGA as appropriate; I'm missing just about all of them, and it's going to get intense as I lose more.

RULE: !! needs to be stuff that I actually want; something I would spend money OVER something else-- I have to want it that much.

CURRENT LIST... which I'm going to edit right now:

189+APPLICATIONS christmas box
187 home haircut
183 the wallflower
182 Crimson Camellia
181 DyeMoon
179 Black Butler #1(ebay)
177.5 church bells CD
177 brush pen
174 salon haircut short
170 peach girl
169 Dye2
167 Bleach #1(check order info in doc.)
163 romeo X juliet
162.5 small items protector box
162 three shirts set
161.5 magazines, grey flip-flops, sm purse
157.5 Neo Angelique Abyss1
153.5 Neo Angelique Abyss2
149.5 fruits basket
149 bike lock + mickey mouse tote
148.5 white mexico dress
148 pink flats
147.5 blue flip-flops
147 red flip-flops
145.5 vampire knight + guilty
145 jean skirt
141.5 bleach set 1
141 purple green garden dress
140 rose dress
139 bleach teeth (haha)
139 grey kimono dress (haha)
139 bleach set 2 (haha!)
138.5 I Like You
138 Spice!
137.5 Anger
137 Filozoifio
136.5 Just be friends
136 Fruits basket manga #1
135.5 Nana #1
135 skullcandy headphones
134 silver promise box
134 SHOP
134 howl's moving castle
134 home nails + wax
134 cosplay outfit
134 eyebrows
134 new fancy cosmetics or other products
134 monk chanting CD itunes
134+complex. TUNAGATE
(AFTER 134 & 2000 kanji, and read all of Grammar guide:) textfugu? $120
LH4L!!

First post. (pilot)

Hello there. I've never done this before. I'm surprised at myself-- for blogging, I mean. It always seemed kind of... dumb... self-absorbed... and honestly, I have a hard time believing someone would want to read this! I mean, I wouldn't even want to read it. K well, that's not true always...

I'm a random kind of person; my thoughts go here, and there, and there. It's messy. I understand that. So part of this new blogging thing, for me, will help to organize my thoughts better in the light of other people's expecting eyes. If anyone reads it, of course... ha ha!

I'm going to approach my blog somewhat like a journal; I'm talking to someone, but that someone may be a person, my roommate, God, or myself. It doesn't really matter-- the point is that I write something about something. (That's pretty open in terms of what I can write, I'd say.)

Oh, I'm Cara, nice to meet you! That feels so weird coming off my tongue, it's not my real name. I'm paranoid, mostly cause I'm ignorant on what I should and shouldn't worry about. Regarding identity theft, I guess. Or something! Ha.

But I like the idea of living in Atlantis. I LOVE that movie, the Disney one. I have no idea why... it's the only movie I can watch over and over and over and over (k you get what I mean) again without minding. I mean, over and over to a point, until I want to do something else besides watch movies.

I'm trying to keep my blog simple and unadorned for a bit until I figure out what I want it to be, or head towards, or whatever. Giving it a name was hard enough. I tried to be vague so that it could mold itself, instead of me mold it.

I need to look at this in a blank-screen sort of way, instead trying to fill an idea that I've shaped before I even start.

My back hurts!!! I wrenched it at work. I NEED TO WORK OUT!!!

One of the things I know I WILL talk about, at least some, is losing weight. I'm not fat, but I'm chubby. It doesn't look any better on a tall person, trust me. I mean, in theory it does, but being tall and chubby also has its disadvantages. Like, the yellowy-spotted grass on your side of the fence compared with green grass on the other side might appear inferior, but actually the green grass on the other side of the fence is quite soggy and WET. Life turns out to be that way most of the time, except for more extreme situations, like poverty and death... that I do not understand yet.<3