Okay, here's the situation. I didn't withdraw from my theory classes. I should have, either that, or made sure with the teachers that I could get a good grade. So now I have to get a good grade, or withdraw and get a W (for withdraw, which almost as bad as an F) on my transcript.

So I'm going to do my best. And I'm scared. That's the whole reason I haven't done well so far on my classes-- I get scared and avoid the problem... and don't do anything.. which of course IS the problem, but I just don't think about it and therefore my avoidance of my fear is really just me avoiding my... avoidance? Like, it's all my fault? :) hahahaha... ugh.

So, I'm going to start doing my homework. I'm going to do my homework like I do my Japanese. I enjoy Japanese, and I do it because I want to learn it. I feel the EXACT same way about music, but I've been avoiding it lately because I don't like being required to study, when really I'm not required, so that doesn't even matter. So I just have to start my music homework like I do with Japanese, and no matter how long it takes me, I'll keep trying.

I'm writing this entire post just to clarify one thing, and I got carried away and typed all that first. Here's the thing I want to clarify: I'M GOING TO CLASS TODAY. I mean, I WILL GO TO CLASS. I'm writing it down so that even if I don't finish my homework, I will go anyway. Because this is such a waste of time, not going to class, and if I go, it will be 100 times easier to clear up the problem. If I don't go, you can hire an assassin and threaten me with him.

Hiding is Bad....

I HAVE AMAZING AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUES.

I don't mean amazing as in "good" or positive. I just mean that these techniques fizzle to ash any tasks I expect myself or others expect me to accomplish, by means of a mile-thick firewall of ultimate doom. They are stronghold, diamond-hard, an ever-spring deep-full of resources.

My avoidance techniques are simply unstoppable, if left unchecked, anyhow.

CARA! You avoid everything you are expecting yourself or someone else expects you to do. Instead of taking tasks by the hand and leading them to the finish line, you do something you are not afraid to approach-- something that doesn't matter if it goes unfinished-- an activity that goes without expectation.

You hide from expectations. When questions arise to when you will finish something (homework) if you will start something (dusting) if you will do this or that (job-search) you avoid those questions as if you'll die for giving an answer.

I watch anime. I watch movies. I play solitaire. I organize itunes. I learn Japanese characters. I sleep. I get myself distracted. I clean the bathroom before I do the mother-assigned task of kitchen cleanup. Now does that make any sense?

I do "important" tasks (cleaning my room, exercising to lose weight) before I do "urgent" tasks (studying for tomorrow's test, feeding the dog).


WHY am I afraid of expectations?!

I have to get into the habit of STARTING and then FINISHING things. But they also have to be the RIGHT things, not just any things.

This is a list.

PRIORITIES - DO THIS FIRST.
1. pray
2. bible tea/h2o
3. bath/wash/be clean
4. studies
   ~ sit down, write a list of the things you need to get done that day.
   ~ create and order, and detail this list by answering the question: "What is the most relevant and efficient way a perfect or as-good-as-possible grade?"
  ~ follow the list, try your best to finish it, and make sure not to spend a ridiculous amount of time so there isn't time for other priorities.
5. sleep
6. exercise, lose weight, keep room and house clean.

Last essential note. It's the point at the crossroads where I sit doing nothing, walking nowhere, in the middle of a split, that I have to choose the path of a task or the path of an avoidance. I almost never have chosen the task path when I expect or wish it of myself, and often if I have, I come running back for the avoidance path, 90% of the time. Do I want to fix this ridiculous habit? Yes. But.

There is no trick to this. It's simply putting one foot forward in front of the other.That's all there is to it. It's not "making yourself do it" so much as it is just doing it. There's no "making" or "motivation" because if you think about it you're pushing yourself from outside forces. It's simply a do or do not thing. It isn't something you have to try to do, it's just a choice. That's what I've been missing this whole time. I thought I was missing something, but the truth is, I wasn't missing anything. It's inside me, my brain, my heart, my hands.

Climax!

Daddy came into my room and told me I have to move out.

I am so immature. When I move out, I know I'm going to be a bit of a mess. I'm going to have trouble and be afraid and make mistakes. But I know I can do it okay, in the end.

The problem is, I need more time. I wish so much my parents would try a little harder to bear with me somehow, but somehow I get into arguments with my mom and my dad thinks the solution is for me to move out. On the outside, it makes perfect sense.

I don't want to criticize my mom, and I can't change her. I know I'm doing some things wrong, but I don't think that quitting the whole situation and my walking away would ultimately solve the problem. It's only a temporary fix, and for the rest of our lives, we're going to have these little things that get in the way of us loving each other. How is that okay?

I DON'T think it's okay because I think we CAN solve this problem. Sure, it would take forever and ever, and a lot of work, and a lot more tears, and a few more arguments, but I think we just need to get our communication tactics down a little better. That's all it is! I'm tired of this being all my fault!!! How does that make any sense??! I'm not a bad person. I don't WANT to hurt my mom's feelings. If it was all my fault, I wouldn't be acting this way. Instead, I'm just sad! I don't know what to do.

YES. I'm idealistic. But I don't think I'm being TOO idealistic. I think I don't want to give up. But it's hard for my mom to see it that way. I don't really know what she's thinking, but I wish it didn't have to go like this.

I wish I hadn't have said things that I said. I'm just not careful enough with my temper, and I'm snappy and disrespectful. But now, I'm just really sad and I can't fix anything.

I went and hid under my bed a few minutes ago. It only made me feel a little better. Mostly I felt stupid, haha.

This makes me want to move really far away, and not talk to them for two years straight. But how would that help? That's just my anger talking. It would be going against my I-want-to-fix-this-NOT-run-away attitude. *SIGH!!*

Depressed.

 When my dad comes into my room and asks what I'm doing about looking for another job, then tells me not to waste my time, (he found me watching TV on my laptop,) I get very upset inside. Upset, like... sad, worried, discouraged, and especially-- lost.

I don't know how to handle criticism and helpful advice, do I? :)

I'm letting myself worry about all these tasks I have ahead of me, during the next week (and tomorrow). I look at all those tasks, all at once, and my range of vision isn't wide enough. So I freak out, and hide by doing something unrelated, like watching TV.

(Plus there's this thing where my sleep schedule is messed up and I can't sleep at night, so I sleep in the afternoon. It's my fault, I think, so "can't" is an incorrect word. But it worries and frustrates me, and it's hard to be "on track" with tasks I need to finish when I'm not awake during the day.)

But it helps to read my past diary entries. I just have to remind myself to:

- quit doubting in myself...

and--

- focus on small tasks!

:) OKAY. I'm good!! I think I'll go to sleep in an hour. I worked out a lot today, and I will probably be able to sleep.
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