On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

I'M NOT LISTENING!

I was talking to Allison today, and I got teary afterward. I felt like hiding, and crying (which I did) and I found out that the spot between my couch and my bed is a lot easier to fall into than to pull myself out of.

I wish Allison could listen to me ramble on about dumb things without judging me. I used to get sick of my friend Lucie (at least when I would talk to her in high school) who would complain about people at church (and school, one in the same where I attended) who were judgemental. Well, I guess sometimes it's worth complaining about.

When I was explaining my job searching discoveries and activities, it was hard to explain them because it felt like she was forming her own negative opinions about my ideas. I know, I KNOW I'm too sensitive to these things, but regardless, it's a little rude to form negative opinions about something just because you don't know about it. When I say "you don't know about it" I'm not spouting nonsense. I have a totally different personality from someone else I might meet on the street or of my friends and family. I react to things differently, I have different life skills, weaknesses and strengths. Of course, it's different to form an opinion if you've tried something, but even then, it's not necessarily your business, right?

I can see what you're thinking. But don't put out expectations for me. Do that, and I'm limited when I think through your eyes. My only choice now is to ignore you, and I know that's not what you wanted.

Then she asked me a question like this: "So, what's your ultimate goal." (It really was more like a statement than a question.) My heart felt like it was being dipped in morning lake water. I answered well as I could, explaining that I'd rather focus on just getting a job first, but I felt like crying right then, so I also added stupidly that I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else, and only myself.

I'm hoping these experiences will just hurry up and mature my sensitivity and under-confidence. I realize that's why I feel like this.

Judgemental people are really TRYING to help, or put their good advice out there. But in another way, it's just sickening. You can't know simply from listening to me what the rest of my life is going to be like. You don't understand my feelings or my reasons for living. You're way older than me, how do you know what I'm capable of in this new day? Youth is power. You should know that, being that you were young once. Wisdom and experience may also be powerful, but this is a time for me when I need to create my own wisdom through experiences.

I still don't think complaining about judgmental people is a very efficient use of time, since it is a form of holding a grudge, so you never have to stop, BUT. It is making me feel better now.

What works for OTHERS may not work for me. Not everything simple for somebody else is SIMPLE for me. But what someone else can't do, I might be able to. I WILL MAKE MY OWN PATH.

Ah- I'm forgetting something. I don't have to make my own path ALL by myself. You know all those Christian slogans (or whatever) about having a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus? Well, I want to know where they got that idea to make sure that's the best way to look at it-- but if it's true, and I think it is in most circumstances--

judgmental-ism means nothing! I don't have to worry about what somebody else thinks if I strongly disagree or it bothers me.

I just have to listen to the Creator of the world... I'm sure he has better ideas than anybody else.

I'm sure :)

About this one thing, at least!

I know my reaction is obviously an OVERreaction, and what I call being really emotional, but it is what felt, after all. I feel better now, but I can't help thinking how funny my head is. Or I should say heart since I'm talking about emotions here :) but really it's my personality makeup, ergo my head.

Well, that's about it. Haha-- right now, I'm playing my angry iTunes playlist, and The Used is screaming in my ears, "Not Listening!!! NOT LISTENING!!!! NOT LISTENING!!!!! " lol.