On Track

It's coming to the end of the quarter here at school and I have not failed anything. But... I should be LESS excited about THAT, and more excited that I am going to get grades above a C!

[In two classes.]

That is very good for me. I am going at it step by step this time, and...

 ...whenever I feel like saying, "ooh-- now THAT looks like a challenge! Meh! I can do it. Sign me up--"...

I don't!

Because even if you're brave, and strong, and if you liken it to video game terms you've got a HUGE HP, well, pooh tooh ee. Nobody is invincible-- at least, I am from the normal world and am pretty much talking to normal people (....haha, uh, right?...) Don't be irrational about the stuff you take on. There have been times that I do that.

And it's not like I went at such a task with lots of motivation and energy-- or if I did, I didn't keep it up-- no. I went, "YES, I CAN!" and then did nothing.

So, yes. Small steps are the way to go, for me, right now.

My counselor brought up a fascinating word to me yesterday-- a very relevant word to how things sometimes go for me. Or I should say, the way I end up making my decisions.

(The way I say that hints at the apathy I have towards making decisions and taking action-- I word it like it's not under my control, and sometimes it legitimately does feel like I can't control my self.)

The word is A.... just a second.

Avolition. Okay. So Volition is like, of your own will. You do it because it springs from your chest and you choose to follow that, whatever it be, an action, choice, or feeling, I suppose.

Darn it, that's not a word. Um, I guess I mean "abolition". I feel that it should be the same as what I just defined it as, but it could be wishful thinking, so, just a second again, I will go check. Whoa. Also totally wrong. Abolition's like, totally abolishing something. Doing away with it. It's not even a feeling. SIGH~

'Kay, I had it right the first time. Sorry. It means, literally, "poverty of will", and not only can be a symptom of depression (I knew that) but can be also symptomatic of schizophrenia. (I did not *freaks out* know that.) And there's another one, abulia, poverty of motivation.

So the first one (avolition) is where you can't wish or have a desire to rise up and do something (you end up doing nothing, just sitting for a while) and the second one (abulia) is where there is some reason that you aren't motivated or pushed by anything-- you aren't drawn forward into the future, and being successful-- you have no reason for things. I have trouble differenciating the two, but it sounds like abulia is more external, stuff you can't control. It also affects the ability to make decisions and set goals.

*I just remembered-- I reaaally hope my internet works. Argh. It was down last night.*

*I am addicted to PAD / puzzle and dragons, American version, as well as anime, particularly One Piece (ep. 208) right now, but I entertain myself with many different animes, like Parasyte, and I just watched Golden Time, and I also think Yona of the Dawn is fantastic and well done! Ah, this list could go on for a while.*

Ahhh!! Also, my Dad got hit by a car today! (I know I'm getting distracted from the topic, but... but...) He is okay, just fine, really, but still, he did get hit, and bruised, I'm sure (they live a couple thousand miles from me) and his watch broke, too! (How did that happen? Maybe his arm flung one way or the other.)

I'm going back to my mom's text to check on the details....

ARGH! The driver left the scene. Also, he has a black eye! My poor daddy! And we're talking about an old fogie, here, he's like, sixty now. Or fifty-nine. Lemme look that up, too.

Haha. Just kidding, and sorry, Daddy. I do believe he's 57.

ANNNYYYway. Back to what I was saying about avolition and abulia-- those are things I do sometimes! I'm learning ways to get around them, though, because they are caused by something very specific, so the more I can identify how I feel, when I feel it, and what caused it, then I can backtrack and take my mind back around to the place before I felt lifeless and actionless, goal-less and decisionless.

Here's my situation, for an example of what this is like.

I get assigned homework. This is normal, I know.

And people all over the world know how to deal with this phenomena-- do the homework. Get it done. Sometime, get it done. (Although many of us procrastinate, that's also normal.)

But, like, this feeling I have, sometimes, is waaay too extreme for procrastination. I'm telling you, okay, I've been to college for three years and I couldn't finish there-- had to LEAVE-- because my grades were just not okay. They were F's. F's, and B's, and A's, and D's. It was a big mix of "I can do this" and "I am totally going to die academically" and "I will just get everything done in these last two weeks"

And... it didn't work. (also an example of trying to take on challenges that were too big.)

But that kind of procrastination-- not going to class, sleeping instead, watching anime instead, doing nothing instead, promising myself over and over that I would change and renew and fix it, and breaking my promise regularly-- that kind of procrastination is no longer measurable on the procrastination scale-- it has metamorphosed into avolition.

So back on track-- homework is assigned.

But why am I going to school? See, I am not a lazy person. My actions look lazy, but it's entirely different. I clean house with a vigor and a polishing rag like a person who is germaphobic. I organize books and papers with tabs and color-coding. I love to write, and type fast, and practice hours and hours of piano at a time. I go the extra mile for other people, and I run home instead of walking just because I want to get there faster.

No, I am very motivated.........

.. Sometimes.

I am in SCHOOL because I WANT to beCOME somebody.

I change my mind every once in a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to find something I ENJOY and become AMaZiNg at it.

This has really never changed about me. So why did I stop going to class? Why was I hiding, and avoiding, and sitting stagnantly in the midst of a rushing river of academia, just swirling around me, ready to take me somewhere wonderful?

I guess it was avolition. I mean, that's a way to label it. But what caused it?

Here it is-- I've seriously got this figured out. For myself, at least. Maybe not for you. :-\

1. You don't have to do all of it at once. In fact, you can lie, or tell the truth, but say this! to yourself: "Don't do it all right now. Just do a little bit-- right now. But---do NOT do all of it."

    (Reason for this strategy: I have trouble starting. The energy required to start may be small, but I can see the whole process, all at once, and I know how much work that means-- or at least, my pessimistic view of how much work it will be, scares me. It scares me so much, I pretend it doesn't exist, and get surprised every time I remember. Not to mention a stomach ache.)

2. In order to not procrastinate, do things right when you think of them, or when the need arises.
for example, fold laundry upon taking it out of the dryer. Just do it. (Nike). If you don't, it's not the end of the world, but it will be the end of your folded laundry. Hold yourself accountable and just do it-- you have to do it sometime.

    2a. In another example, do homework after class, if you have a free period. That one you may have heard from teachers. Well, I don't know if these things work for everybody, because I am unique, and my mind works in an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kind of way, so that makes me on a different track that you may or may not be on.

Anyway, I have run out of time to keep typing, and I feel like I said something I wanted to say, so, thank you for reading.

You are fantastic, and you need to believe in yourself and give your inner self a hug, and remember that you haven't gotten to the future, yet. So don't write anything off.

Just do your best-- and remember you will never know what your best is, because it can always get better!

The Real Deal

I don't take things seriously until I'm forced to. Like, deadlines, and death, and other stuff. Things, especially the results of time and clocks, creep up on me and I'm not prepared for things. I'm GOOD at preparing for things if I make myself, but so often I don't take whatever it is seriously enough until I'm really, really late!

Yeah, I KNOW that the modern term people use is procrastination. But anyway, I do not like this about myself. Sure, it's funny and everything, but I would rather I didn't have this funny thing about myself. 

NOT COOL. And really DANGEROUS, in many circumstances.

What can I do to remind myself of the importance of finding that emotion, "HERE IT IS!" ?

How can I find it...

it happens to me... I mean, I procrastinate in these areas:
bedtime
getting a job
answering questions I should/need answers to
cleaning, sometimes
sleeping even if I'm sleepy
studying
showering (LOL)
eating

1. one idea is this: I procrastinate while I'm busy doing something else, like, I don't eat midnight dinner, because I've been stuck at my computer studying and typing this.

2. I'm afraid to FACE FEAR or MAKE A (complex? irritating?) DECISION about something.

3. I'm lazy and I don't think about my goal at the time.

4. I'm too sleepy to focus, or possibly other things like anger, sadness, or jumpiness.

Mom and Dad's advice

I'm always worrying about how my parents want to help me too much. But I need to look at it from a different angle! Even though they give me advice, they understand that I don't have to do what they're advising me-- they just want to say the right things to me that allow me to make my own decisions and keep from putting pressure on me. I don't have to worry and make it all complicated-- they love me and want me to be happy-- so it's actually pretty simple.

And it certainly wouldn't hurt for me to allow them to help me once in a while. If I never depend on anyone, it means that I have to do everything myself, and that makes everything so much harder that it all might be too much, eventually.

I'm going to counseling today and I thought I should write down some of what I might should talk about in the session. Mom and me were talking about this contract that we're making-- it's to get me to think of things with a bit of a deadline, because I haven't yet obtained a newer/better job. I need one, because I'm not using my time wisely and making money for school, which was supposed to be the point of taking time off from it.

At first, I thought I needed some time off, even if it was a lot, and that it was good for me. But now I guess I'm realizing that I've come to the point where that's not necessary anymore, and if I say it is, then I'm being too easy on myself. "Time off" for several months is too much-- it's not like somebody died. Anyway, it's not going to help me lose weight or do any other things that will help me gain confidence. Confidence comes from trying AGAIN and aiming to be successful, not from resting. Haha!

I'm writing this because while Mom and I were talking about the contract, she happened to show me an email from my counselor to her (now I realize I should have said earlier, "Hey that's private, I'm not going to read that" but it didn't matter because I learned something good. It was obvious, but good.

My counselor wrote something like, "Sara's biggest problem is that she procrastinates." And then something else about me having "since June 22 to obtain full-time employment" and "...six months".

Well, it's true. That's a long time. I'm being silly. Time to fix things! I feel stupid! Urrrrg. :...[

So it's true, though. It's not like I didn't know I procrastinate, but I just... don't accept it as reality and deal with it like it's reality. I want to fix this way that I think, because it's somewhat dysfunctional. I would like to apologize for being weird, but then I remember that everybody has weirdness and I just happen to be writing about and trying to fix my weirdness, and that's nothing but good.

I'm going to try and go about it the right way. Here are my goals that I've re-done, coming from a perspective that these are my daily activities, which I should do often, all the time, and A LOT!

Things I do.

work (accompany wkends, CNA wkdays)

homework (1-2 classes)

clean house productively, sparklingly.

exercise (dance, regular, run) a lot

[studies: as needed and as possible] - Japanese and Spanish.

PLUS: Bible, Piano. (DAILY as possible)

So, like, kind of my goals to pursue and become used to incorporating into my life. Like, if I'm bored or don't know what to do next, I should be doing these things instead, or I go do them.

Important things to change my habits about: learn self control, to do the things that I don't always want to do, and stop procrastinating.

I'm going to write this down and take it when I go in to counseling!

Not breaking.

Hey, so I'm back, like I promised, see?

This is such a big hub-lub. I made that up. Not that it isn't true, but I don't think "hub-lub" means anything in the dictionary. Yeah... "hub-lub - no dictionary results". (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hub-lub)

I wanted to mention to myself, for future reference, that all those times that I want to avoid going to the library, in favor of staying in my room, I SHOULDN'T because I ALWAYS feel better after I've gone! At least, if I get something done. It must be the possibility of NOT getting something done that scares me. But I'm a RISK taker, I CAN'T let that scare me!!! BE STRONG, CARA! And everyone else who feels like giving up, even if it's "just this one time", it is NOW that's important!

Oh no, the bell. The library is closing in ten minutes. Let's see how much I can get out of the story I was going to tell you.

Okay. So I have an addiction. They didn't say, "You have to admit you have a problem" or anything but I know it's true. Ha ha. Cause how can you deal with something that you don't believe is an issue?

For instance, if you eat a yummy sandwich with onions and pepper-jack cheese and you don't brush your teeth, you breath may not be very nice-smelling. Then imagine-- everyone around you thinks you have bad breath, when you sit too close to them or if you breathe on them. So think about it: how are you ever going to get rid of your bad breath unless you admit, "Oh, well, yes I suppose I DO have onion breath. That is gross; I will go and brush my teeth now."

See? That's productive. Do something about it. But a girl who is addicted to something doesn't want to stop, at least, not on the surface. Deep down, the girl may want to go to medical school or be a better person or something, but she's putting it off until later-- she's PROCRASTINATING. And addiction is all about the surface emotions: what you're feeling RIGHT THAT SECOND is more important than the ultimate results. Eat cotton candy? Don't eat cotton candy? Well, it sounds good.... (and if you don't have any self-control or discriminatory ability to figure out whether it really IS a good idea, for instance, will you be helping your already-developing cavities to develop even more?). SURFACE EMOTIONS dictate your decisions when you're addicted to something. It sucks. It's like you don't ultimately have control where your life is going.

Of course, the good thing about all this is that you actually DO have control, even if not at all times, there are still a few decisions you can make that can keep you from careening into a tree and losing it completely until you are a LOSER. That's what I don't want to happen to me.

More later! We have to go now:)

Sorry, that wasn't very constructive blogging. Bye.

Wow, security guard was like, "just about finished?

later edit 21:24 October 13, 2010: I think it is really funny here, in the last sentence, I was not able to finish typing those quotes on the end of the sentence because the security guard was freaking me out. I don't like bugging people, and I was there when they needed to close up the library, and they were WAITING on me, and it made me... nervous. So that last sentence signifies that funny thing that was going on at the time I was writing this. :)