Hello hello!

Oops. That wasn't the button I wanted to press. I meant to look at all my followers and feel happy about people following me! Do I really have TEN? How NICE! X)

It is time for an update like no other. I am very proud of myself today. I mean, I suppose I could get more proud in the future, but today I am doing very well in comparison to how I have been in the past. I will explain this next! Actually, let me make a list of the stuff I need to think about getting done (in and after) this current hour, before I monologue (?) further....


Do I want to join the “Fitness Club”? Consider this in relation to…

                On-campus runs—learn about the surrounding area —businesses and whatnot

                Access to locker at some undefined hours

                How big will my locker be? Can I FIT my 1)lunch 2)clothes 3)hairdryer?! 

                4)flip-flops 5)backpack with books 6)water bottle 7)and other accessories?

                Can I work out the times I return-- before classes, after classes, and once for lunch?

                Could I go to the P-Campus on Sundays or something? come on-- Free membership.

                I could... 

wake at 4:30/5, 

leave at 6, 

arrive at 7:30, store stuff and work out, 

then shower and get dressed by 8:40, 

then head to class, 

then come back to pick up my lunch, 

then come back to work out again at 3:00,

and then study at the library from 4-6,

and then go home.

what else is important is that I set aside study, on all the other four days, around 2 hours daily, or 3.

On regular days I also wake up early and exercise for an hour, too. Pick two days to exercise for two hours, a longer run, and longer stretch and strength.

Blog reveling.
Hotel search.
Print quarter calendar.
Starland's Availability (classes)
Do some work at Starland's-- sign up for a shift!
Music
- music theory practice everything!
- especially, get to harmonic analysis
- switch back and forth with Japanese every ten minutes (set timer--try it at fifteen, too)
- print music staves and assignments for
     * triads for scales
     * key signatures and scales
     * order of flats and sharps on treble and bass clefs
Japanese
- think of a way to make flashcards
- do some reviewing on the internet for kanji

Oooookay. So I'm proud of myself because I'm in school. I'm in school! I'm going to a community college based out of metropolitan Kalotei--it's very exciting. In fact, although I've been to a community college before, it wasn't to start a serious degree (like this time) and it wasn't in a big city like this. Here, people flock to take classes and absorb information to make their lives better. These people are coming out of hard spots in life and are desperate, and tired, adventurous, and ingenious. Well, some of them. It's so much fun to be part of things here!

It does seem kind of quiet sometimes, but this is only my second day. I still don't really know where I'm going on campus yet, and there's a bit of construction going on over at not one but TWO buildings on campus, so getting inside of one building or another is confusing and certain departments are hiding behind yellow tape and metal framework beams.

So yes! I'm doing well! However, it's almost time for me to go home, after a little studying, I've got to go. I still haven't decided whether I study best in the library or best on my own in my room. I know my productivity is better when I can study independently, and that it's best for me to avoid the temptation to relax and watch anime in my room, thus the library theme, but when I'm at the library I get distracted with other matters and can't focus either. Maybe next time I can come in the morning and try to take care of all this stuff before it's even time to go to class, so that after class I can study.

Or... maybe it's good to take a break after classes? But not such a long break. Alright-- my goal is to journal and take care of little chores and errands on campus super quickly so I can go and study!! Oh, well, I had some things to do. Next time, I will get more done. I'm off to study Music Theory and Japanese now!

I'll pray for strength. Or for luck. I guess I believe in luck if it comes from God.

Life Goals and Priorities

Alrighty. So, I'm been waiting, and procrastinating a lot, for about a year. I think I want to stop doing that. Procrastination is like giving up in the moment, while promising yourself that you'll do it "later" but "later" doesn't really mean anything. So procrastination is just giving up, since you can't say that you really WILL do the thing you need to do, ever, until you actually do it.

Here are my life goals, and underneath each one I have things I'll do to get the things done, or how I'll work on them.

1. Take care to be pretty and confident
-- (realistically) set time aside
-- remember I am good how God made me, and God is love, so I'm following him.
-- make myself do stuff I don't want to. This is going to happen a lot, and I have to deal with it, so I've got to make the choice to be responsible and cool about it.

2. Speak Japanese and go to Japan
-- 10 kanji and/OR review
-- stop using subtitles on anime (more often if not all the time)
-- leave my DS by my bed and use it more often

3. Make music
-- take it in college
-- get jobs playing music
-- volunteer playing music
-- practice every day

4. Learn about God and live for him, especially by loving others including being responsible for my family and friends, reflecting him and learning how to do that, plus anything else I need to do like that.
-- read the Bible more often, making it a source of answers to my many questions
-- go to church when I'm ready
-- care for and be responsible for my family
-- don't let myself stop my life because I'm afraid-- face the fears I have-- things that are hard-- and get a job so that I continue. I don't want to live like a zombie, but right now, that's kind of what I'm letting happen. I'm not appreciating my life.

5. Have fun and don't be upset, and be myself
-- take life at my own pace, enjoy the moments I'm alive
-- watch anime
-- don't hide: meet new people, talk to my friends and care about others
-- express myself however I want, accept how I am and don't worry about my appearance

Now... as a side note, I want to get a job to help me with number three and four, but I also need to have some spending money for the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite. I don't care if I can't use the DVDs until I get a player, but I know I want to get some before they run out of stock. I thought it was a wonderful show, and each episode was worth watching. There weren't any that I would consider fillers, and it wasn't too slow, and I loved the plot's depth and the characters. I was really surprised by how good it was-- and I don't know if I'll still say this later, but it's the best anime I've ever seen!

I haven't found an anime before this that I could say is my "favorite". Usually I'm just like, "eh, it's a great show, but I can't compare it to the others I like because they all have their pluses and minuses".... but with Full Moon wo Sagashite, I can say it really is my favorite! I'm biased 'cause I love music, and the story, but I really do think it is a masterpiece, with exquisite details and subtleties.

Simple Reasons! My Goals Now.

K, I talked with my Dad again tonight. It's something that bugs me, that he doesn't pay attention to my feelings, and it also bugs me that I can't stop arguing with him; that I don't listen to him either. I wrote up a long letter to him about various things I want to protest.

But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.

See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.

I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.


I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.


So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".

Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.

I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.

I am soooo...

Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.

TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.

1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!

2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).

3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750

that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 =  6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]

K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school. 
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job

Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe

Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.

I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.

4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)

Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.

! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.

5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)

Okay, here's the situation. I didn't withdraw from my theory classes. I should have, either that, or made sure with the teachers that I could get a good grade. So now I have to get a good grade, or withdraw and get a W (for withdraw, which almost as bad as an F) on my transcript.

So I'm going to do my best. And I'm scared. That's the whole reason I haven't done well so far on my classes-- I get scared and avoid the problem... and don't do anything.. which of course IS the problem, but I just don't think about it and therefore my avoidance of my fear is really just me avoiding my... avoidance? Like, it's all my fault? :) hahahaha... ugh.

So, I'm going to start doing my homework. I'm going to do my homework like I do my Japanese. I enjoy Japanese, and I do it because I want to learn it. I feel the EXACT same way about music, but I've been avoiding it lately because I don't like being required to study, when really I'm not required, so that doesn't even matter. So I just have to start my music homework like I do with Japanese, and no matter how long it takes me, I'll keep trying.

I'm writing this entire post just to clarify one thing, and I got carried away and typed all that first. Here's the thing I want to clarify: I'M GOING TO CLASS TODAY. I mean, I WILL GO TO CLASS. I'm writing it down so that even if I don't finish my homework, I will go anyway. Because this is such a waste of time, not going to class, and if I go, it will be 100 times easier to clear up the problem. If I don't go, you can hire an assassin and threaten me with him.

New World

I went to school. I am too busy to write anything else. Sorry. Really. I am pained to leave. I'm having trouble not stopping to write more. But I'll be stuck here for another hour or so if I do that. :)

I can't even leave adequate tags!!! :..[ aaagggghh!!! I want to write.