Love: Acceptance and Return!

During my sophomore year at Atlantis State college, 2008-2009?

When I'm "on the prowl" for a guy I think it would be smart to rememeber this, since, I usually don't.

--> LOOKING for someone doesn't mean I'm looking for someone who could love me. That's not what's important, and it's certainly not the point-- but it's what I usually do. This gives the impression that I'm shy. The best way to be outgoing about his isn't to "BE" confident, since you can't change yourself that easily.

So here's a better way to do it-- and to be more outgoing altogether-- don't stand there, thinking internally and judging people's personalities, actions, and appearances-- and wondering how they'd relate to you/yourself. Instead, making it your job to get to get to know, love/befriend the people around you. And when it comes to guuys, instead of thinking, "Could he like me? Appreciate me? Love me?" you should be thinking "Could I like him? Appreciate him? Love him?" Not only will this eliminate selfishness, it gives you more confidence. That may seem like an odd combination, but it's the truth. I can explain it better this way: when I say confidence, I mean LACK of self-conscious feelings-- an absence of the constant voice relentlessly whispering insecurities. Focusing your thoughts outward, socially-- to the people around you-- keeps most thoughts of yourself at bay.

Men: Sensitivity? Hahaha!

During my sophomore year at Atlantis State college, 2/16/2008 Sabbath, 1:37 AM

I watched Titanic today. It's a very good movie. But it made me realize something. Mm. Pens are fun to write with. But that's not what I realized. Anyway, UGH there is this certain guy I'm always thinking about

[this is the same guy, Michael, mentioned in the post right before this one.]

(I don't think I've actually put that in writing or words yet, except in my thoughts) and it's super annoying because I'm quite sure it's only one-sided.

[I'm sorry I'm interrupting, but I have to tell you: the feeling was mutual. Or, at least less one-sided than I was imagining. Or lying to myself, I really knew it the whole time. See my other blog, for more on that. :) ]

Anyway, it hurts me all the time. And that couldn't be love, right? I don't think so, not really. Anyway, so when I watched titanic, I thought of something amazing. To me, anyway. For some weird reason, I've had this weird confused picture of Guys + girls relationship stuff. I mean, what I mean is, for some reason I've not understood it exactly. It's mostly cause I never hang out with guys. I never understood... how a guy could fall in love with a girl. It's really strange, but for some reason I had this notion that somehow guys w are better than girls, I don't know why, and that a girl somehow wouldn't be as important to him as he was to the girl. I think [pen scribble] this feeling I had had something to do with how guys always seem less emotional than girls, and all that stuff. Where they don't seem to connect as easily as girls do. So whenever I'd see a guy who was sensitive or caring or whatever, I was like, whoa. That's so hot. But I didn't think of it as normal, or required, even. And I still feel like that sometimes. But it's a little better.

Hmmm. Oh, this thought Ok, this thought is going to be finished later. [scribbly] Too sleepy.

[I meant to go on to say that Titanic had opened my eyes to the idea that guys could be sensitive, caring, and loving. As it goes, I've learned that idea more and more so every day, especially by watching movies, and also getting to know guys I've dated. Ha. There are only a few. But it was definitely enlightening; I've learned a lot. When I wrote this, it was like I felt that guys didn't have emotions like girls do-- that they were inhuman, basically. Now, I know they're different, but in many ways guys CAN have emotions similar to girl's emotions. Heehee. *whew* That would have been a problem.]

What Would Happen?!

During my sophomore year at Atlantis State college, 2008-2009.

What would happen if... every time I thought of something I could do that was really scary or maybe even unlike me, and I was afraid enough that I wouldn't ever do it-- and then I did it anyway...? I could do anything I wanted. Anything! At first it's kind of like, duh. But it's really an amazing idea, when you think about it.

For example... right now, I want to do these things, but I'm afraid to...

• tell someone what I'm really thinking [note from me in July 2010: I wanted to tell a guy I met in freshman year, Michael, that I liked him.]
• Go outside and go running even though I don't want people to see me exercise ["exercise" means get sweaty]
• Be more naturally myself
• Have stood up and given my presentation

If I could just do these things, I would just feel so much better. But I can barely imagine it. It's my goal to get to where I CAN do things just because I want to!

So, to sum it up: What if every time I wanted to do something-- anything-- but stopped myself for some kind of fear-- what if instead, I did it ANYWAY? What then?

[this resonates with my past post about acting. UGH. no, no no. I have good reasons. I have good reasons. aaargh.]

Before I had a blog entries

I've got some old papers I saved before I had a blog. I'm going to start typing those sorts of things on here, instead of keeping them for a scrapbook. Most of them aren't pretty or unique enough for a scrapbook, they're just boring in my handwriting. I keep ENOUGH stuff...! So I'm not going to worry about throwing them out.

Therefore, I have a new label: before I had a blog. The dates will be messed up, since I will leave whatever date I enter them in as the date, but you'll see an estimation from when I wrote it at the top of the entry.

Ta-da!