Listening. クリスマス。 Doing Better.

So, last night I talked with my Dad again... but guess what?

I.

Listened.

EEEEK!

Well I guess I don't care about the listening much as part as that I

Did.

Not.

Cry.

I did not feel overly-pressured. I --

could.

handle.

it.

Without arguing.

Well, not too much. X)

Basically, my Dad was telling me that this week, I HAVE to focus on looking for jobs. This week. Well? It doesn't freak me out too much. I want to do it.

Usually, not arguing is hard for me because it's fearfully difficult for me to deal with pressure, so I make excuses, but also, he talks for a long, detailed, time, (saying things I disagree with) making me want to interrupt all the more. So I listened to his orders, which he is very careful to explain in DETAIL like he has many times before, and I told myself over and over that it's okay and he's right and that I sincerely agree BUT also that I have my own plans. That I'm not plan-less and opinion-less and that I am mature and grown-up and that I will succeed.... And kinda contrary to his opinion, that my dreams are worth something big.

After that ordeal, which wasn't much of an ordeal in comparison to other similar situations :) ...
I realized I had been wearing on my head my Claire's (accessories) silver princess crown, the whole time I was talking with Dad.

LOL. Haha. Oh well.

We ended the conversation on my own statement! Actually I do that a lot anyway :) (I'm kind of a stubborn snobby daughter) And I said, "I just don't want to be treated badly because of my past actions anymore." Or something like that. Maybe not a very nice thing to say, and certainly it's asking for a lot (too much?) but I need to think better of myself now.

So what am I doing about this? Well, my plans are to get my life organized and be at peace with everything that goes on in it. I don't want to be monumentally worried all the time just because I'm not controlling my own actions. That means I want to get IT together. That means I want to get a job. It's on the list. Metaphorically.

The best way to put it is that I'm working on scheduling myself. I am customizing my planner and making a sort of weekly schedule with activities like piano, Japanese, job-searching, volunteering (piano playing), house-cleaning and singing (for example). I will make short term (daily) and longer term goals, backed by reasons. I also am using Textfugu's cool method of making a list of excuses for why I should quit, which I can use to remind myself that those excuses are retarded. Eh. I mean misguided.  Also, I'm making goals for each day; basically, I assign myself tasks, which I complete by doing them regularly as habits or "traditions".

I have yet to get myself organized, but that's the idea I'm going for.

I've also started translating stuff all over the place. I've restarted Shugo Chara / しゅごチャラ！ without subtitles :) !

And, today I watched the first episode of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne / 神風怪盗ジャンヌ (Divine Wind Phantom Thief Jeanne is the long translation).

And for both those animes, I usually stop and write out the song lyrics in kana and kanji, working toward pronunciation, then understanding it or translating it to English. I learn a lot of new words this way, and I remember them best because I'm not bored and I can connect it to lifelike stories which I love.

One more thing I'm doing is listening to my audio CDs of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. (amazon) (zondervan) It's useful (...so far...) and has lots to do with my issues with being myself naturally, standing up for opinions, and especially deciding where my boundaries are so I don't have to worry about my responsibilities so much.

I'm thinking of where I stand. There are SOME things I DO NOT need to change about myself (for other people). Also, there are influences of others that I can IGNORE; by which, I mean there are things I can stop worrying about.

Haha... well, it's kind of like I don't care about others' feelings as much. That sounds awful, but it was putting a lot of strain on MY emotions... plus my life isn't going well at all, career/education-wise, so if I don't change something about myself there's not much point in my existence (I only mean that theoretically and also a bit dramatically).

Anyway, it's 11:00 and I've got to get out of my room to clean house. We've got the housekeeper (I like to say "maid" X) coming today and ironically, we clean up before she gets here at 12:30. Haha.

No, maybe that's not ironic, silly me, how else can she clean the counters and floors under the enormous amount of clutter and Christmas decoration Rubbermaid containers and cardboard boxes?

Hee hee SO! here is how to spell Christmas in Japanese!

クリスマス 

Which you say like this: "Ku-ree-soo-mass" (pronounce the syllables lightly, and clipped.) If you like romaji better, it looks like this: "kurisumasu"

Well, anyway, that's probably right. Source: myself. Not anybody Japanese. I'm an authority, can't you tell? No, I'm not. That's sarcasm.

And here are some snowflakes for Christmas. ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶✻ ✼ ❄ ❅ ❆ ❉ ❊ ❋
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❋

Argument idea: BOUNDARIES!

Dear God, 

Today after 3:15pm Dad and I had another fight. Are you surprised? Haha, well I don't know if you are or not. But I shouldn't be. Even so, I don't expect stuff like this to happen, even though it has before.

Well, lately this weekend I've been thinking about how it's easier not to worry about other people's problems. I grew up thinking that I needed to help others, not in an obligatory-kindness sort of way as much as a I-don't-know-my-boundaries sort of way. I see this situation or that situation going on, and because I do have my own opinion (naturally it pops into my head) about what the person in the situation could do, I believe I should offer it. I think it's because I like to solve problems, and fix things.

For example, if my Teddy and I have a violin performance at church, I might practice the piano accompaniment and ask Teddy to come and practice his part with me. When he's busy, which he often finds a way to say "I haven't finished homework," he can't come downstairs. I get easily mad about this because I'm impatient and I want to practice because a) it's fun and 2) the performance is close and we need to practice eventually.

But it turns out, if I leave him alone, he might have problems with the performance, but I can still practice enough to be ready. Of course I want the piece to sound finished and polished when we perform, but I can't take Teddy's problems and make them my own. It's horribly stressful for me (I cry about it, because it's angering). Even more, Teddy is one of the stubbornest people who exist, and this situation is exactly the type in which he will rebel and only get stubborner. So I can't do anything.  My anger and crying is NOT caused by Teddy! He is free to practice with me or not. His choice is not abnormal, and the feelings I have could have been prevented.

I could have prevented it by staying inside my boundaries. When I do that, I quit bothering Teddy. I used to bother him to no end (I was thinking pleading and ordering and scolding and yelling would make him do what I wanted) even though it just made him madder. But really, the only result was that I felt worried and upset at my failure, and Teddy was really mad and even felt bad about being yelled at.

This example is exactly what Dad is doing to me! But beyond that, since I am the "Teddy" of the situation, I know that I need to keep my boundaries too. It is possible that this won't solve the problem with my Dad. I WILL feel sad and of low-confidence because I'm being yelled at. But I CAN know for SURE that retaliating against Daddy's attack will not help. If I look at my boundaries and how I used them in my argument with him today, I realize something!

Here's what it is.  My dad is telling me something that is important to him. He's worried that I need a job in the future, so he wants me to get started on it immediately. I CAN'T change the fact that he wants to tell me these things. I'm afraid I can't stand the pressure he's putting on me, so I stand up for myself-- BUT that's stepping out of my boundaries. Instead of arguing back, I need to stay inside my boundaries.

Actually, I think I'm being a bad example to him by retaliating-- by doing what he's doing-- getting in his business and ordering him around, while he's ordering me around.

This is hard for me, though, because I feel like I've got to stand up for myself because Dad is trampling on my emotions. But it looks like he will do it no matter what, and his stubbornness will allow him to continue trampling until he is aware that I have listened or gone and done what he wants with true action. So if I go outside of my boundaries and allow myself to tell him to change his approach, I am trying to change him as well.

It's not losing to admit defeat in this situation. It's standing up for my idea of boundaries-- in order for him to leave me alone, I need to leave him alone, even if that means I get yelled at, and he WILL yell at me no matter what I do anyway.

Ultimately, being independent is not defined by myself getting everyone around me to leave me alone so I can do it myself, but by doing it myself EVEN THOUGH they're "not allowing" me to be independent. SO in that way the best display of independent strength is TO BE INDEPENDENT when they're continuing to worry for me and therefore causing me to feel dependent. If I can be independent even in this situation, then I can save myself. It's up to me; if I forget that and blame anything on someone else, I will lose this battle with myself.

[later edit: when I read this with a different perspective, I suddenly feel like this: "aw that's so PATHETIC! Why am I acting like any of this is ever anyone else's fault? Saying that they're MAKING me dependent? They can't do that! THAT is an example of my blaming my own actions on someone else." Right in the moment, when they're worrying for me, the emotions I feel are very deep and very real. They push their worries about my life onto me when I may not need those emotions. They are making judgements about my life and not trusting me. And perhaps I am not trustworthy, but there is also a chance that I AM trustworthy. Appearances through others' eyes do not determine truth, so it is foolish to assume that someone who feels this way needs to just BUCK UP and fix their own life. And, everyone makes mistakes. This is not the time to criticize myself for being affected by others' worries. If I have trouble making decisions when others intrude, then that is how it is and I need to remember that I am not foolish for being frustrated. Although I've concluded I must deal with their intrusiveness passively and independently while recognizing boundaries, I will NOT belittle my emotions in my own mind, because--when I do, I'm forgetting how it felt and how real they were. If my parents are bothering me with their worries, I am allowed to be bothered regardless of the actions about those worries.]

Haha so confusing.

God, thank you for your inspirations, and please help me to follow these ideas in the next communication I have with my parents.

K... the basic idea is that I must be independent, regardless of others' influences and dependable worrying. I have to stay in my boundaries and do what is possible to take care of myself, and only what I'm able to do when communicating, without trying to change others' ideas. BOUNDARIES.

!!!