I don't know.

One thing I KNOW is that I CAN be great. I HAVE lots of talent. But I also know that talent isn't what will make me successful, no matter how much I have. So, even though it seems logical to be suspicious that I don't have enough talent to make money in piano, that's really not something I should think about if I know what I want and wish for. Even though it doesn't matter as much as I think it does, I don't actually know how talented and super duper my piano skills are. I don't know how much money I can make. I don't know if I can compete with the world of piano. I don't know if I'm too old. I don't know how I look. I don't know how much Dr. Merlin respected me, or how much anyone else did or does. I don't know if I'm capable of having enough determination, business sense, energy, time management, and focus, to succeed in doing ANYTHING about piano.

Put simply, I don't have answers. But that doesn't mean I should hesitate for lack of them! I don't know what can, could, or will happen.

But these questions do bug me a lot. That's why they distract me so much into hesitation. But so what, oh well, big deal.

Here's what I am going to do-- since I have no other ideas, no sure answers, and no rock-solid prophecies to tell me what decision to make next--

Set small stars (my word for goals) only. Do not forget them and move on until they're finished!

And by applying this to my piano adoration and problem :), I get this. I'm going to be an accompanist. (AKA collaborative pianist.) I can be one in Japan, and in the metro near where I live, and my own city. It's a job that can make lots of money if you do it right. And I'm already in a bad position right now. It can't be worse than this, and to top it off I usually do better than my goals anyway. So if I set this small goal, at least I can get there, instead of hesitating. But don't tell me I said that!

I'm going to be a "lowly" accompanist. If that's what I do for the rest of my life, FREAKING A THAT'S AWESOME! What's wrong with having an easy job? Plenty of things, maybe-- but at least I will put my all into doing it well and I'll be doing something that many other people wouldn't want to do. Each career and work you can do in the world is unique. I won't belittle myself by putting down my tinier goals.

No more. Be happy, Cara. Don't be a silly girl, now. Don't be afraid. Step up and do your best!

...now I'm going to look up what an accompanist gets paid so I know what to charge. it looks like I'll find out about all of an accompanist's responsibilities this way, also...

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. (Joshua 1:7) Biblos.com link

Final Revelation!

HAHAHA!!!

I figured it out. I figured out what I have to do!

It's okay that I'm uncertain. I'm not one of those motivated people who wants to work hard. At least, right now, I'm not one of those people, because I'm not confident. That's okay. I need to start slow.

But this whole time, I was trying to think a certain way-- I was WISHING that I had bigger dreams, but I DON'T. It's silly to force myself to want to do something. I was trying NOT to pick a "career" because I WISHED I had a desire for one, but since I DON'T want one, it's hard to force myself to have a preference.

So,  I've taken the nursing assistant course. I don't really like the job particularly, but it IS quite fun sometimes. I already have the education and I have held a job and I'm on my second one. I've taken some college classes that could count toward getting even higher education in nursing, and there is a program near me with which I become a Licensed Practical Nurse. My family wants me to get my college education over with, and I can't become a piano teacher without a bachelor's degree, but I need a better job to pay for that.

So I'm going to go to school to get an associates' degree and become a LPN. I have the experience and the program is available. I will probably have to go later (next year), since I don't have money for it now. Since I some of my college courses already taken and passed, I can learn Spanish, too, and be a translator or interpreter on the side. After I finish and get the licensed practical nurse job, I will save up to become a piano teacher. I can move away from home and start taking courses at a college that offers theory courses.

Then, I'll travel the world and learn languages! That is a little bit more of a ? mark. But someday, I want to go somewhere. As it turns out, you need money for that. That's why I need to get a more stable job, and learn how to effectively save money from it so that I can get a better education.

Yay!!! I guess I just needed a little pressure in order to realize that all this worrying is because I just needed to get an education... instead of being totally delighted with my career. This isn't a decision like marriage! I can change my career along the way, and I can be happy with my life regardless of my job.

Decision.... ?.

Physical therapy, but music first, as an undergraduate degree.... working as a nursing assistant and an accompanist.