Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.

The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.

Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)

I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good

This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.

I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!

Not the family kind.

The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH

ANTS!

ANTS! GRRR!!!

I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*

IF I believed in curses........









one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....

he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.

Standing Up for Myself-- BEING ME

I think I've been going wrong about my... main problem.

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[   problem update:

1. depressed + anxious; on zoloft

2. unemployed / bum / irrationally low confidence

3. parents with their own ideas

4. parents who voice these ideas

5. parents with total lack of encouragement in my dreams because the dreams don't make sense to them

6. my dreams really do seem impossible
7. and to top it off, I have yet to prove I can reach these dreams   ]
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ADVICE
I shouldn't have said so often to Mom that I don't want advice. I do want her advice. Her advice is not my problem. I just need to tell her : please don't criticize my interests. These interests I have a hard time expressing without her discouragement include anime, my dreams such as becoming a pianist, an interpreter and translator, and a wife of a man who possibly does not live in my home country. As the subject comes up, I will say appropriate things like, "please don't critisize my love of anime. It's an old subject, and my anime-interest is equally time consuming as are my other hobbies." Also I can say, "I am determined to succeed in the career of my dreams with you and Daddy as my support system." Usually I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. Now I'm going to have a better answer.


WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IS: I'M NOT BELIEVING I CAN DO IT
Out of the various problems I have while living here in my parent's house, along with my brother Teddy, and Allison and her son, the number one issue I have is caving to my parent's advice. I am very influencible. Why?  ONE: I don't believe in myself. I've got to be more confident.

And, well, maybe because I don't have a plan-- where there's a goal at the end and steps I'm going to take along a timeline-- and that makes me opinionless about my own life.

Basically I need to stand up for myself more often. I need to make more hard-core decisions. When I don't know what to do, I think hard about what I do want, and I decide. It's not about what others think. I know myself better than anyone else. Even more, I have good intuition about myself. This is because my mother taught me confidence. But I need to use my confidence, instead of letting the advice I hear from my family, including my mother) dissuade me.

In the end they will be happy if I am successful, but I WILL include them in my success, instead of walking away from them in order to succeed.

Just because they doubt me doesn't mean I need to give up on them.

Good, aye? Usually this is the part where the kid leaves his parent's house in a huff. But I'm not going to be angry at them for not trusting me. My forgiveness is partly due to the fact that their distrust makes sense.


THIS IS HARD
I feel really sick and awful. My dad just came in my room, JUST NOW as I was writing, with one of his attitudes, like "no argument, listen to me without responding, and only accept what I have to say, then take action exactly how I want you to"
They think I'm watching anime constantly. I watched about an hour today while exercising, and this evening a little before bed. Quite an addiction, don't you think? Would they rather I walk away from this "addiction" as if I have the strength to throw out my manga and DVDs and never touch videos on the internet again-- avoid my "addiction" until I burst and go back to it like a crazy person? Or should I learn to control it, like I'm doing now, monitoring my emotions, thinking, and feeling, like a living, breathing woman of courage, creativity, and music?

I also spoke with my counselor and had a wonderful session, feeling beautiful and confident and ready to look for a job within the next two days, bursting with ideas and belief in myself.

But my parents, who are worried, impatient to the point of explosion, have lost trust in me, and think I am a lazy, emotionally-uncontrolled bum, insist on trying to force me to change my habits and decisions by telling me I have to because this is their house. Even though it's been only a week since we talked about my job-getting plan, and I am already making progress on it just like planned.

STANDING UP
I'm going to be angry with my self and my situation, and use that power to do what I need to.

For a year, I've done nothing but sleep, feel depressed, get into massive arguments with my parents and little brother, half-heartedly play piano less than once a week, watch loads of TV, gain twenty pounds, pretend I want to learn Japanese, cut off contact with all my close friends or who I've ever met, and NEVER leave the house.

But now-- NOW! After a bit of counseling, pills, personal growth, and a lot of thought and journaling... I volunteer. I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I dress up, wear makeup, and perform like a professional on a to-die for Bösendorfer (fancy German piano) in a architecturally beautiful hospital famous for its healthcare.

I've also almost finished a resume that I've had edited by a professional who has worked with a lot of college students and kids looking for jobs.

I have plans to look for a job this week. I am working on my study ethic and creating good habits and goals for my life. I feel more serious than I ever have before. And God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure....

I AM AFRAID BUT I WILL DO IT ANYWAY
I might cry after this decision. But I'm not going to give up anymore. I know what I want. I'm going to really try. I'm not going to change my decisions and habits anymore, I'm going to make decisions based on what I want to do. My mother and father are amazing people. I have their genes. I am their daughter. They taught me respect, responsibility, and LOVE. I like who I am. So. Now, I'm going to be that person.

To my beloved mother and father: I love you. Now trust me. Allow me the freedom to be the adult I am, and the adult I will become, and I will show you what I can do.

God is going with me. He says so. He will give me strength. I'm going to keep praying. I need his help for sure.... forever  ; )

Don't mind me, I Forgot My Medication o.O

So, I'm taking this medication now called ZOLOFT. Or some generic of that, I guess. Who knows :p I have started the pills really sloo-o-o-owly, so it doesn't upset my stomach and make my moods weird, or I'm guessing so anyway.

I figure it is a good idea to journal on how I feel, so that I can think about how it's helping and how I can help myself in the areas it can't change me.

Since I'm taking it for anxiety, I would have thought it would help just with that, but the day before I started the medication, I was feeling really horrible, I mean upset and crying about every five minutes. Now, that was because the adults in my family had been treating me kind of like they were irritated at me, and really getting on my case about this and that, and I also hadn't slept even a minute the night before. But even so, I think that kind of reaction (crying constantly) and the sadness I feel a lot of other times, might be a little bit of ... depression.

And Zoloft is for depression, too. Apparently. Now that I think about it, it makes sense, but I won't be all analytical and explain what I'm thinking about why. :) Anyway, I think I'm not just an anxious person, but emotional enough that I might be TOO sad, sometimes, when I don't need to be.

So I hope this medicine makes me more lively in a consistent way!  Because I consider myself a lively person, but there are times when I suspect I'm that way because trying to be that way. Trying really hard, too. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be easily happy, simply happy, when I have reason to be (happy life, loving family) without having to force myself. I want to live prosperously, and not wait and postpone important things like leaving the house to get a job.

I think this medication will help. I feel a little bit better already, but it's possible I'm imagining it. For instance, I feel like there are more options available to me. I might be less anxious, but I really don't know... Haha, who knows?! I'll know more when I'm at my regular dose, in a few days.

Ground Zero: Depressed! Or Not!

I made a new goal list, in >>Ground Zero>>. I make new ones so much, I'm starting to doubt in their value. What if it's all hopeless-- that everything I try to do will never end up in the place I want it to be in? I try and try and try, but am I pushing against a brick wall-- and the wrong one, at that? Am I confused because I'm lost for a path, or am I lost only because I feel that way?

It's the latter, it must be! I'm not lost, I just think I am. Sometimes "trying harder" and "trying again" seem like the only answers available.

But there must be another one. I have tried harder, and again. "Third time's a charm" won't work this time, 'cause it's far past the third time!!! Am I lying to myself, and missing something essential?

I can look at my stupid goals list as many times as I want, but I don't know if that's a solution. It hasn't worked yet. It makes me want to cry.

There MUST be a solution. I might just make it.

I'm trying too hard... in the wrong way. I make lists like this, but it's hard to focus on all of things at once. I'm being too idealistic in thinking that my life will be perfect if I could just follow a list like that.

Right?

>:-[ 

I'm printing out that list, and I'm carrying it around my neck on a string. I'll do anything. I'm going to pray, too. Every time. Number nine. That is probably the obvious thing I'm missing.

There is no ideal, not really. I can't make it. Life is about aspiring for something you can't ever reach. For me, at least, as an idealist, I'll never get everything I want. But I can be happy with what I have, too. Time to reach for the stars.

Here I go. Again. I'm trying again. I will do this. I will fight. I'm going. Now.

Depressed.

 When my dad comes into my room and asks what I'm doing about looking for another job, then tells me not to waste my time, (he found me watching TV on my laptop,) I get very upset inside. Upset, like... sad, worried, discouraged, and especially-- lost.

I don't know how to handle criticism and helpful advice, do I? :)

I'm letting myself worry about all these tasks I have ahead of me, during the next week (and tomorrow). I look at all those tasks, all at once, and my range of vision isn't wide enough. So I freak out, and hide by doing something unrelated, like watching TV.

(Plus there's this thing where my sleep schedule is messed up and I can't sleep at night, so I sleep in the afternoon. It's my fault, I think, so "can't" is an incorrect word. But it worries and frustrates me, and it's hard to be "on track" with tasks I need to finish when I'm not awake during the day.)

But it helps to read my past diary entries. I just have to remind myself to:

- quit doubting in myself...

and--

- focus on small tasks!

:) OKAY. I'm good!! I think I'll go to sleep in an hour. I worked out a lot today, and I will probably be able to sleep.
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