One thing I KNOW is that I CAN be great. I HAVE lots of talent. But I also know that talent isn't what will make me successful, no matter how much I have. So, even though it seems logical to be suspicious that I don't have enough talent to make money in piano, that's really not something I should think about if I know what I want and wish for. Even though it doesn't matter as much as I think it does, I don't actually know how talented and super duper my piano skills are. I don't know how much money I can make. I don't know if I can compete with the world of piano. I don't know if I'm too old. I don't know how I look. I don't know how much Dr. Merlin respected me, or how much anyone else did or does. I don't know if I'm capable of having enough determination, business sense, energy, time management, and focus, to succeed in doing ANYTHING about piano.
Put simply, I don't have answers. But that doesn't mean I should hesitate for lack of them! I don't know what can, could, or will happen.
But these questions do bug me a lot. That's why they distract me so much into hesitation. But so what, oh well, big deal.
Here's what I am going to do-- since I have no other ideas, no sure answers, and no rock-solid prophecies to tell me what decision to make next--
Set small stars (my word for goals) only. Do not forget them and move on until they're finished!
And by applying this to my piano adoration and problem :), I get this. I'm going to be an accompanist. (AKA collaborative pianist.) I can be one in Japan, and in the metro near where I live, and my own city. It's a job that can make lots of money if you do it right. And I'm already in a bad position right now. It can't be worse than this, and to top it off I usually do better than my goals anyway. So if I set this small goal, at least I can get there, instead of hesitating. But don't tell me I said that!
I'm going to be a "lowly" accompanist. If that's what I do for the rest of my life, FREAKING A THAT'S AWESOME! What's wrong with having an easy job? Plenty of things, maybe-- but at least I will put my all into doing it well and I'll be doing something that many other people wouldn't want to do. Each career and work you can do in the world is unique. I won't belittle myself by putting down my tinier goals.
No more. Be happy, Cara. Don't be a silly girl, now. Don't be afraid. Step up and do your best!
...now I'm going to look up what an accompanist gets paid so I know what to charge. it looks like I'll find out about all of an accompanist's responsibilities this way, also...
Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. (Joshua 1:7) Biblos.com link
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Simple Reasons! My Goals Now.
K, I talked with my Dad again tonight. It's something that bugs me, that he doesn't pay attention to my feelings, and it also bugs me that I can't stop arguing with him; that I don't listen to him either. I wrote up a long letter to him about various things I want to protest.
But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.
See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.
I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.
I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.
So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".
Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.
I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.
I am soooo...
Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.
TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.
1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!
2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).
3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750
that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 = 6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]
K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school.
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job
Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe
Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.
I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.
4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)
Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.
! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.
5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)
But in the end, I need to get a job. Just because he's impatient doesn't mean he's ultimately wrong. I feel bad giving him a complain letter when he's just worried, you know? Worried in a DEMANDING way, lol.
See, I just HATE conforming to other's wishes. My little brother has gained this trait recently as well. (Recently meaning in the past three years I guess.) So it's hard for me to take my Dad's advice, even though it's RIGHT.
I want to make these huge life decisions based on my own motivation and excitement for life. I feel lame when other people have to tell me to make those decisions, when I've simply no reason to do it. As soon as I have a reason, I want to do it. I just don't want them to have to tell me. When they do that, they don't acknowledge my ability to make decisions, and then I feel like I don't have it. Silly. I'm WRONG. I HAVE ABILITY no matter how I FEEL or how I feel other people think.
I'm going to STOP wishing I had all those big kinds of life-answers and plans, and decide according to what I feel like. If I really explore the details, I slowly come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be definite in all the ways that other people expect. Or maybe that I expected.
So, I am going to try and be independent. It's a lot easier to be independent when I have life plans. For instance, it's helping me to think about going to a college near the sea. I don't have regular goals yet. I can't see myself getting married without prospects, and I don't have dreams of becoming a chef in Hawaii or anything specific like that. But I can live for the things I like, anyway, and do it under God's watch (since I'm a christian I want my life-goals to be what God wants, though no matter how much direction he gives me I still have to make little deciisons like these: "what's my major?" and "which job to pick out of so many options?" I can't decide those things through God when I have no clue what I want to do-- a lot of what God wants me to do is what I understand myself doing well at naturally. And I don't know what those things are. But I've believed for a long time wrongly about this stuff. I need to simplify my reasons for choosing things. It doesn't have to be some hardcore life-plan that guides my career down a path forevermore, backed up by cliche answers like "I like people" and "I love anatomy" or "I grew up making cake" and "I'm taking over the family business".
Haha that sounds funny. But really, I have my OWN reasons, which would also sound random to other people. I mean, there isn't anything weird about those reasons except that they aren't mine. I need to find my own reasons, search inside myself, instead of looking at everyone else and finding a reason to copy, trying to fit it for myself.
I've been making my life path choices reasons complicated. Trying to force myself into something I don't understand.
I am soooo...
Never mind. Here, I'm going to try and make a goals list, but as usual I'm not going to be able to cover everything and miss something obvious, I bet. Well, this is for my most current wishes.
TRY MY BEST TO THINK OF THESE GOALS AS REASONABLE AND DOABLE AND RESPECTABLE even though they might need to change, until I feel that way I should aim for them.
1. Find a college to go to. pick classes that will help me make money in a job that isn't physically taxing. These class need to be helpful to me. That's it. I don't know how to plan any farther than that, and I don't have to. Spend time exercising where I live, my top idea is to live right near the beach and run in the sand. Why not? I wish I could swim too, I dunno if that's really safe though. So, I also need money for classes, find out how much they cost and what program I want; besides that, exactly how much rent will be, but I need to just make lots of money right now. Then I can attend university, AFTER I have a good job-making thing. But really I need time away from home so soon would be good. Also, my short-term-career choice needs to be something that I can get a job near university!!!
2. Finish HESIG before I move away from home. Practice two hours a day? Exercise and lose weight? Lets see simple will work best. I think I can do this, but I should CHANGE THIS GOAL after I know my schedule (job).
3. Get a job and save this much money (BELOW)
[REASONING: Since I need money before I move, I need about.... about.... if I paid 700 for rent (this is a total estimation, since I have no idea, and higher is better than low) I would want FIVE months of that plus 150 for food and 100 for misc. that's 950 per month x five = 4750
that seems too low, so I'll add more:
1,000 + 160 + 200 /mo. x 5 = 6,800 PLUS 1000 for getting a stylish wardrobe and PLUS 1000 for getting my leg hair permanently removed with a LASER!!! laser removal...]
K, I need to save up 8800 before I expect I can
1) drive to the two colleges I like,
2) talk to counselors about my grades, make sure I like the classes and campus,
3) sign up at school.
4) find apartment prices and availability,
5) find a place to live,
6) and get a job
Also, while I'm doing all that, do these things too::
A) clean my room,
B) do my haircut appointment
C) laser hair thing
D) also go shopping for a new wardrobe
Is that the wrong order? I guess I will find out when I get there. The school is the first place to start.
I will attend for a while before I'm ready to attend a state university, where I'll get higher education, after saving from working, and possibly .... using my Daddy's money once he sees I'm motivated. Of course, I'm changing my mind about sticking just to music, if it only takes a year and I've already taken A&P, I could do a short medical-type career, and I could be making a bit of money to support myself and have good work experience in a higher job sooner, especially to help me getting through music.
4. go to university, where I get a bachelor's degree in music performance OR education, and think about languages, computers, voice acting, etc for later, but just this first. I think that covers all my favorites :)
Gahhh I feel so retarted but I need to respect myself even though I feel bad at decisons and flighty. That's how I am, I have to keep my reasons simple: I do things because they're fun.
! Learn Japanese fluently. Take classes sometime before going to Japan, while working, if necessary all by themselves, and take whatever tests and tutor people and get tutors and join clubs and go online and translate animes/manga, whatever I need/can do to be fluent.
5. Go to Japan as a teacher. Aim for this goal the whole time, while still having fun and not worrying about time because that only ages me, it won't help me hurry X)
Friday, April 15, 2011
Computer Nerd! Career confusion as usual.
I've decided I'm going to become a computer girl! I want to do music, but I'm not ready for it yet, and I don't know how much it will be a part of my life. I really do like multitasking, so doing JUST music might be a little much for me. If I get a career in computers, I can use that when I can't find a job in other things, and I think I'll enjoy it very much, so it's worth it.
Next, I want to start learning computer languages, however I might do that... buy a numbers-keypad for my laptop, and then... now I'm allowed to wear glasses, as an official nerd-to-be.
Next, I want to start learning computer languages, however I might do that... buy a numbers-keypad for my laptop, and then... now I'm allowed to wear glasses, as an official nerd-to-be.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
To-DO List. Project Zero: From the ground up.
Me and myself don't have much direction right now. If I was listening to what God wanted me to do, I might understand better, but it's possible that God WANTS me to start listening to myself, and trying to listen to him selflessly isn't exactly what he wants me to do. So here's a list I'm making for all the things I would like to do. It kind of has to go in order for it to work. Let's see if I can do it! No... I will do it!
--> Important thing I just realized. My feelings are verrrrrrry delicate. Or maybe I am just really mentally abusive to myself. ;) no, seriously, that might be it.... I've noticed all this after college. If I was a little more gentle with my heart, I might not have had such a hard time, but either way it was meant to be so that I could learn from such a mistake. So NOW is the time in which I can be gentle, and get another start. :) This really does make me so happy.I have hope, and that's all you need in the beginning.
--> Other important thing. I all this I've written (below too) is really really essential to fixing my life. I mean, it's fabulous info I've thought of. I could really fix myself here. So I need to read through this every day, with the "excuse" that I need to clarify what I've written ('cause some of it really doesn't make sense). I will call this DRAFT 1, so that it stays the same and I won't lose anything important. The first and last drafts I'll post on my blog.
(new sunscreen? prescription, new housecleaning gloves, facemask.)
1. read the Bible and pray daily, (instead of never like I usually do) so that I can understand if I'm doing what God wants me to do or being selfish and avoiding his guidance.
I'm afraid I might be doing that because I haven't been listening at all, and I'm afraid that going in a certain career direction (voice acting) versus another more... ?humble? direction isn't what he wants. But I know I'd be good at it, so I need him to help me understand whether or not that choice is perfect, or taking me in the wrong direction.
2. Work on calming anxiety strategies. This is going to be a forever thing, but I want to especially work on it now, along with reading the bible and praying.
3. Clean house for mom and dad, assigning myself doable tasks and treating them like a job--one that I will begin to orient around time, like it's a real job, so I can get used to the idea of working for real. Instead of paying them rent (which I disrespectfully think is a huge waste of money, and is also violating their rules for me, and that is be really bad... so I need to work hard). I HAVE TO START SMALL, only what I can and will do.
4. Clean up my room, super DUPER. This I can combine with no. two because I'm going to scrapbook and that includes a lot of items located all around the house, masquerading as clutter.(Tithe and receipts, clutter, cleaning.)
5. Learn all my kanji in the Heisig book. If I got over that hump in Japanese learning, I would feel a lot more confident and excited to learn more. I need to try and finish a lot before a new job so that I continue with Japanese quite steadily.
6. Start going through my theory book and make a goal for each day, and if I'm brave enough, a bigger goal. This is hard for me, so be careful and go slow.
7. Since I'm also doing piano, Japanese, house cleaning, losing weight, and this theory too, it IS impossible (yes, it is) to do it in one day, so I have to skip things and do just three things instead of six, or whatever. So I don't have to do theory until I have all the kanji learned, for example. I'm not being specific because I've been doing well at this so far, it's just important that I don't worry and end up watching excess TV just because I didn't know where to start. Actually this is very important. I should now continue to put a list on my phone of which things I can plan on accomplishing in one day, week by week prob. is best.
8. Finish facial peels
9. When I'm ready, (ready probably means all the above accomplished and a weight loss level of 170-180, but it really can be up to me....facial peels would likely give me more time) get a part-time job. Small, and one that I like.I must feel like I'm doing something useful for myself (i.e. I need to feel progress) or a goal for my money saving, like classes or learning, not just fun stuff.
10. Get a haircut. To feel freer, and decisive.(important for acting class)
10. After I'm at or lower than 169: Buy some clothes for school. To feel like I dressed on purpose wherever I go, so I don't have to think about what I look like.
11. Get a club membership for losing weight and lose weight while working at a part time job and studying at home.(scheduling! Big step. A membership may occur earlier but juggling it with a job makes it a more important step, so I put it later just in case.)
12. Piano lessons with a pro teacher. This is my "attempt to succeed in school without freaking my heart out" tryout. I don't have to do this before an acting class. It might be inconvenient, but I also really do need to take piano lessons, and I probably will need credits anyway.
13. After I'm at or lower than 169: Adventures in Voice acting DVD, then TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. This is not just because I want to be a voice actor. (I'm not sure yet, just like B4 with Japan.) BUT, I KNOW it will help my confidence problems, so that can be my reason until I'm sure about being a voice actor.
14. Start going to school.
15. Take Japanese class. Since it's very important I succeed, I think I should do this AFTER I succeed in school regarding music. I know I can do music, no matter what has and could happen, but Japanese is delicate. I can't scare myself away by doing badly there. It's possible I'm being too cautious, though, and I should be going now because Japanese is close by at community college, and not other places. Hmmm.
16. Move away from home. This might come earlier, if I don't do Japanese classes and want to start Music instead.
17. Finish school. Have a B.A. degree in music. This is all tentative because I don't know what to do with a B.A. in music. Well, get a job in that, save money for going to Japan, and just save money in general.
18. Find a place to practice piano when not in school or save to buy a cheap piano.
19.Save money.
20.Have my own car somehow. Save for that, it could happen.... Maybe I don't need it. (When I move away, Daddy or Mom will drive me and my bike-- after moving my stuff-- to my new apartment, and I will have them pick me up if I need to leave. :) Ahhhhh that is such a bad idea. It would work for school though.
21. GET a job as a teacher in Japan. This doesn't need and really ISN'T hard because I love Japan and teaching, I am detail oriented and like people, so if I'm not afraid, I can get a job like SNAP. God will help me. If it's harder than I thought, go as a missionary.
22. Keep on the lookout for a man to fall in love with. Tell him I need to take everything slowly. I think he needs to be seventh-day adventist, but if I don't go and figure that out soon, I'm not going to know what to tell him. :) This is also an issue with Sabbath and working a job. I do need to do devotional everyday. I have questions that many of my church friends probably know what they would do personally, and I don't know!
--> Important thing I just realized. My feelings are verrrrrrry delicate. Or maybe I am just really mentally abusive to myself. ;) no, seriously, that might be it.... I've noticed all this after college. If I was a little more gentle with my heart, I might not have had such a hard time, but either way it was meant to be so that I could learn from such a mistake. So NOW is the time in which I can be gentle, and get another start. :) This really does make me so happy.I have hope, and that's all you need in the beginning.
--> Other important thing. I all this I've written (below too) is really really essential to fixing my life. I mean, it's fabulous info I've thought of. I could really fix myself here. So I need to read through this every day, with the "excuse" that I need to clarify what I've written ('cause some of it really doesn't make sense). I will call this DRAFT 1, so that it stays the same and I won't lose anything important. The first and last drafts I'll post on my blog.
(new sunscreen? prescription, new housecleaning gloves, facemask.)
1. read the Bible and pray daily, (instead of never like I usually do) so that I can understand if I'm doing what God wants me to do or being selfish and avoiding his guidance.
I'm afraid I might be doing that because I haven't been listening at all, and I'm afraid that going in a certain career direction (voice acting) versus another more... ?humble? direction isn't what he wants. But I know I'd be good at it, so I need him to help me understand whether or not that choice is perfect, or taking me in the wrong direction.
2. Work on calming anxiety strategies. This is going to be a forever thing, but I want to especially work on it now, along with reading the bible and praying.
3. Clean house for mom and dad, assigning myself doable tasks and treating them like a job--one that I will begin to orient around time, like it's a real job, so I can get used to the idea of working for real. Instead of paying them rent (which I disrespectfully think is a huge waste of money, and is also violating their rules for me, and that is be really bad... so I need to work hard). I HAVE TO START SMALL, only what I can and will do.
4. Clean up my room, super DUPER. This I can combine with no. two because I'm going to scrapbook and that includes a lot of items located all around the house, masquerading as clutter.(Tithe and receipts, clutter, cleaning.)
5. Learn all my kanji in the Heisig book. If I got over that hump in Japanese learning, I would feel a lot more confident and excited to learn more. I need to try and finish a lot before a new job so that I continue with Japanese quite steadily.
6. Start going through my theory book and make a goal for each day, and if I'm brave enough, a bigger goal. This is hard for me, so be careful and go slow.
7. Since I'm also doing piano, Japanese, house cleaning, losing weight, and this theory too, it IS impossible (yes, it is) to do it in one day, so I have to skip things and do just three things instead of six, or whatever. So I don't have to do theory until I have all the kanji learned, for example. I'm not being specific because I've been doing well at this so far, it's just important that I don't worry and end up watching excess TV just because I didn't know where to start. Actually this is very important. I should now continue to put a list on my phone of which things I can plan on accomplishing in one day, week by week prob. is best.
8. Finish facial peels
9. When I'm ready, (ready probably means all the above accomplished and a weight loss level of 170-180, but it really can be up to me....facial peels would likely give me more time) get a part-time job. Small, and one that I like.I must feel like I'm doing something useful for myself (i.e. I need to feel progress) or a goal for my money saving, like classes or learning, not just fun stuff.
10. Get a haircut. To feel freer, and decisive.(important for acting class)
10. After I'm at or lower than 169: Buy some clothes for school. To feel like I dressed on purpose wherever I go, so I don't have to think about what I look like.
11. Get a club membership for losing weight and lose weight while working at a part time job and studying at home.(scheduling! Big step. A membership may occur earlier but juggling it with a job makes it a more important step, so I put it later just in case.)
12. Piano lessons with a pro teacher. This is my "attempt to succeed in school without freaking my heart out" tryout. I don't have to do this before an acting class. It might be inconvenient, but I also really do need to take piano lessons, and I probably will need credits anyway.
13. After I'm at or lower than 169: Adventures in Voice acting DVD, then TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. This is not just because I want to be a voice actor. (I'm not sure yet, just like B4 with Japan.) BUT, I KNOW it will help my confidence problems, so that can be my reason until I'm sure about being a voice actor.
14. Start going to school.
15. Take Japanese class. Since it's very important I succeed, I think I should do this AFTER I succeed in school regarding music. I know I can do music, no matter what has and could happen, but Japanese is delicate. I can't scare myself away by doing badly there. It's possible I'm being too cautious, though, and I should be going now because Japanese is close by at community college, and not other places. Hmmm.
16. Move away from home. This might come earlier, if I don't do Japanese classes and want to start Music instead.
17. Finish school. Have a B.A. degree in music. This is all tentative because I don't know what to do with a B.A. in music. Well, get a job in that, save money for going to Japan, and just save money in general.
18. Find a place to practice piano when not in school or save to buy a cheap piano.
19.Save money.
20.Have my own car somehow. Save for that, it could happen.... Maybe I don't need it. (When I move away, Daddy or Mom will drive me and my bike-- after moving my stuff-- to my new apartment, and I will have them pick me up if I need to leave. :) Ahhhhh that is such a bad idea. It would work for school though.
21. GET a job as a teacher in Japan. This doesn't need and really ISN'T hard because I love Japan and teaching, I am detail oriented and like people, so if I'm not afraid, I can get a job like SNAP. God will help me. If it's harder than I thought, go as a missionary.
22. Keep on the lookout for a man to fall in love with. Tell him I need to take everything slowly. I think he needs to be seventh-day adventist, but if I don't go and figure that out soon, I'm not going to know what to tell him. :) This is also an issue with Sabbath and working a job. I do need to do devotional everyday. I have questions that many of my church friends probably know what they would do personally, and I don't know!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Enemy! Face Your Doubt to Conquer!
Dancing! I love dancing. I dance in my garage. It is a good workout. And now... to become skinnier! I'm going to have to eat less sugary things. *tears* Dancing helps me imagine. It's beautiful, and freeing, and wild.
I feel confused today. Should I keep thinking about using music as my career? Music, and language?
It's the best idea. It's what I like. I don't know why I would want to do something else. I am just so be-fuddled.
Okay. So what should a person do when she or he has recurring doubts? She quells her doubts, but the next day, the next month-- they come back. Like a stalker you previously had avoided, or spilled rice, or spray-and-wash on skin, doubt haunts through dark shadows. It breathes cold, scratchy fear down your back. I hate it. And yet, this should be something that a human can stop with her own hands, and her own mind. Why do I let doubt scare me so badly?
Maybe... I can fight it. If I thought of doubt as it truly is-- an opponent, my 敵-- I would have the will to fight it. Only when you admit you're afraid do you really find the strength to turn around and attack what was scaring you.
I have my own story, and I am the heroine. I must do my best to succeed. When I do, I won't feel like a different person-- because I'll always be Cara. That's me. My success is already inside me. My future is inside me. My dreams-- glowing orbs-- lights-- I can see them at the end of the mountain train tunnel. I can see the light, but I'm unaware of the landscape where the tracks lead. I CAN be beautiful, and loving, and share my dreams with others who can't find their own, just like I feel now. That's what I want to do....
Spend too much time trying to decide, and you become unable to remember what you finally did decide on. My brain feels like it's been in the toaster too long.
Or re-re-re-fried beans. Do they really fry those??
I'd better stop before I type anything more.
I feel confused today. Should I keep thinking about using music as my career? Music, and language?
It's the best idea. It's what I like. I don't know why I would want to do something else. I am just so be-fuddled.
Okay. So what should a person do when she or he has recurring doubts? She quells her doubts, but the next day, the next month-- they come back. Like a stalker you previously had avoided, or spilled rice, or spray-and-wash on skin, doubt haunts through dark shadows. It breathes cold, scratchy fear down your back. I hate it. And yet, this should be something that a human can stop with her own hands, and her own mind. Why do I let doubt scare me so badly?
Maybe... I can fight it. If I thought of doubt as it truly is-- an opponent, my 敵-- I would have the will to fight it. Only when you admit you're afraid do you really find the strength to turn around and attack what was scaring you.
I have my own story, and I am the heroine. I must do my best to succeed. When I do, I won't feel like a different person-- because I'll always be Cara. That's me. My success is already inside me. My future is inside me. My dreams-- glowing orbs-- lights-- I can see them at the end of the mountain train tunnel. I can see the light, but I'm unaware of the landscape where the tracks lead. I CAN be beautiful, and loving, and share my dreams with others who can't find their own, just like I feel now. That's what I want to do....
Spend too much time trying to decide, and you become unable to remember what you finally did decide on. My brain feels like it's been in the toaster too long.
Or re-re-re-fried beans. Do they really fry those??
I'd better stop before I type anything more.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Discovery
Yes. I was trying to change myself too much.
Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.
I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.
It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.
I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.
So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?
Daddy talked to me AGAIN, last night. I always thought these talks were annoying, but really, they're completely necessary-- not misplaced or in the way at all. I need to change my habits (watching TV more than I work, more than I study, more than I am productive) and it's NOT okay that I'm doing these things.
I wrote down on a piece a paper something like this.
It's no wonder I have trouble making decisions. How can I know what to choose if I don't know what is possible? I don't know what I am capable-- because I don't know myself. I don't know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and even what I do know about myself, I wish I could change some of those things or I wish I could be something different.
I am also terribly afraid to explore my choices, but the bad part of that is that when I am afraid, I give up and avoid the task altogether, which ultimately means that I miss my chance to do anything at all.
So if I don't acknowledge what I am, and I want to be something else, and I don't face my fear and step out and try to discover what is possible, how can I choose a career?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I feel HAPPY!
I'm happy because I have HOPE right now. I doubt a lot, right? Like, too much.
First, I'm going to tell you about my career stuff. I figured out something monumental earlier today. I have been thinking about majors and career choices... MORE... and I guess I figured out why I was so upset about it all the time. Nursing is definitely a very good option... for some people :)... but I've changed my mind again. It won't hurt me to do a little more research to search for what I really want. There is a career out there, I have to believe, that is something more along the lines of what would be good for me. Nursing is only good because I have experience and it's a secure job. It's terrible for traveling, and using languages I've learned will only be useful minimally. Spanish is helpful in nursing,, but I don't just want one language, I want to learn several languages and actually go places. And I want to learn Japanese. So that is why choosing nursing has been bothering me so much.
And yet, I was so scared to consider something else, that my vision was starting to narrow. How silly! I have to take the step out there and actually look into what careers are like. For some reason, that's been difficult for me, and it's (obviously!!) going to be difficult to choose a career when you don't know what it will be like. But that's exactly what I have been doing, because I'm scared to "consider" new ideas. Weird, huh?
So even though I'm leaning towards computer science, or information, or programming, or something related, I am not going to just say "that's it" and go with it, then freak out again with repetitive, circular, illogical doubts. Instead, I'm going to actually take time to research this stuff (including myself and what I'd be good at). I'm going to read about paralegals. I'm going to read about voice actors. And lawyers! And pianists. And music composers, and writers! And more.
I don't really know what these things are like, or the career paths. So I'm going to learn about everything that catches my interest, in depth, and I'll follow those paths until I know for sure that it's something I don't like.
Once I finally decide after doing some real thinking and searching, I will choose a degree at a good school (that I can pay money for until my parents will help again) and then I will do my BEST and have FUN and focus. I will be careful with the jobs I obtain, and I will learn languages and find a way to use them.
Since I really would like to do something musical someday, I would like that to be somewhat of a goal, alongside other goals... (it's hard to make money playing piano right at the beginning of your education) but even more, I don't want to choose NURSING just because it's secure. It's not the right job for me in some aspects (traveling especially) so I MUST make sure to consider other jobs, instead of avoiding the actual research into them.
So, all this was because I was scared. Nursing is so wrong for me. I almost made a really irresponsible decision because I wanted to give up and just get it over with. That's stupid. I could be happy. I don't think I'll be happy with nursing.
Research time!
And now about Kiichigo and his tank environment! Kiichigo is doing well. He seems a little depressed, but I haven't found him stuck to the filter or anything yet... :-/ haha. not. So yeah! He's soooo pretty, too. Delicate and floaty, with a cute little head and a tiny body, and deep red against the blue and green plants in his 2-gallon tank.
And guess what?! I did something creative with the decorations, besides the plants-- I used marbles in the bottom! I guess what else...?
STRING BEADS!
Haha, string beans.
No, really, just beads. There are regular beads, but also sparkly star-flower ones, and-- can you believe it?-- giraffe beads! There might be some buttons, too, I think.
I really love it. Well, good night! Oh. Morning!
PS. I want to make myself a list of things that I always go back to look at when I feel doubtful of myself. Doubtful... as in, like, "Can I really do this?", "I am not sure I am capable of getting A's while pursuing a degree like that...", and "I'm destined to be like this forever...."
Those things sound so obviously silly when I write them down, because no matter what I'm thinking, they aren't very logical thoughts, because on a day I'm not upset, I know they're not true. But as soon as I start to worry, they seem so REAL! I am going to make a note or list, to myself, of what I want my future to be like, and how I AM capable. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I don't want to be afraid of things I can't change, and I want to be aware of what I CAN change.
Okay, here it is. I just wrote this, and I'm proud of it. I'm putting it on "Quotidian".
1. You are capable, beautiful, and tall. You will have a job that pays money, and you will have a place to live. You are not a failure. You are capable of success. Thinking that you aren't is just NOT true. It's actually unfair to the man you're going to marry-- he will appreciate you, and would be upset to think you felt bad about yourself when it's not even a reality.
2. When you feel like the above isn't true, just stop and calm down. Go work out, take a shower, or work on Japanese, pet Jellybean and Cat, run, dance, pray or do something else (besides a story-entertainment thing :)) that takes concentration-- it will help you feel better.
First, I'm going to tell you about my career stuff. I figured out something monumental earlier today. I have been thinking about majors and career choices... MORE... and I guess I figured out why I was so upset about it all the time. Nursing is definitely a very good option... for some people :)... but I've changed my mind again. It won't hurt me to do a little more research to search for what I really want. There is a career out there, I have to believe, that is something more along the lines of what would be good for me. Nursing is only good because I have experience and it's a secure job. It's terrible for traveling, and using languages I've learned will only be useful minimally. Spanish is helpful in nursing,, but I don't just want one language, I want to learn several languages and actually go places. And I want to learn Japanese. So that is why choosing nursing has been bothering me so much.
And yet, I was so scared to consider something else, that my vision was starting to narrow. How silly! I have to take the step out there and actually look into what careers are like. For some reason, that's been difficult for me, and it's (obviously!!) going to be difficult to choose a career when you don't know what it will be like. But that's exactly what I have been doing, because I'm scared to "consider" new ideas. Weird, huh?
So even though I'm leaning towards computer science, or information, or programming, or something related, I am not going to just say "that's it" and go with it, then freak out again with repetitive, circular, illogical doubts. Instead, I'm going to actually take time to research this stuff (including myself and what I'd be good at). I'm going to read about paralegals. I'm going to read about voice actors. And lawyers! And pianists. And music composers, and writers! And more.
I don't really know what these things are like, or the career paths. So I'm going to learn about everything that catches my interest, in depth, and I'll follow those paths until I know for sure that it's something I don't like.
Once I finally decide after doing some real thinking and searching, I will choose a degree at a good school (that I can pay money for until my parents will help again) and then I will do my BEST and have FUN and focus. I will be careful with the jobs I obtain, and I will learn languages and find a way to use them.
Since I really would like to do something musical someday, I would like that to be somewhat of a goal, alongside other goals... (it's hard to make money playing piano right at the beginning of your education) but even more, I don't want to choose NURSING just because it's secure. It's not the right job for me in some aspects (traveling especially) so I MUST make sure to consider other jobs, instead of avoiding the actual research into them.
So, all this was because I was scared. Nursing is so wrong for me. I almost made a really irresponsible decision because I wanted to give up and just get it over with. That's stupid. I could be happy. I don't think I'll be happy with nursing.
Research time!
And now about Kiichigo and his tank environment! Kiichigo is doing well. He seems a little depressed, but I haven't found him stuck to the filter or anything yet... :-/ haha. not. So yeah! He's soooo pretty, too. Delicate and floaty, with a cute little head and a tiny body, and deep red against the blue and green plants in his 2-gallon tank.
And guess what?! I did something creative with the decorations, besides the plants-- I used marbles in the bottom! I guess what else...?
STRING BEADS!
Haha, string beans.
No, really, just beads. There are regular beads, but also sparkly star-flower ones, and-- can you believe it?-- giraffe beads! There might be some buttons, too, I think.
I really love it. Well, good night! Oh. Morning!
PS. I want to make myself a list of things that I always go back to look at when I feel doubtful of myself. Doubtful... as in, like, "Can I really do this?", "I am not sure I am capable of getting A's while pursuing a degree like that...", and "I'm destined to be like this forever...."
Those things sound so obviously silly when I write them down, because no matter what I'm thinking, they aren't very logical thoughts, because on a day I'm not upset, I know they're not true. But as soon as I start to worry, they seem so REAL! I am going to make a note or list, to myself, of what I want my future to be like, and how I AM capable. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I don't want to be afraid of things I can't change, and I want to be aware of what I CAN change.
Okay, here it is. I just wrote this, and I'm proud of it. I'm putting it on "Quotidian".
1. You are capable, beautiful, and tall. You will have a job that pays money, and you will have a place to live. You are not a failure. You are capable of success. Thinking that you aren't is just NOT true. It's actually unfair to the man you're going to marry-- he will appreciate you, and would be upset to think you felt bad about yourself when it's not even a reality.
2. When you feel like the above isn't true, just stop and calm down. Go work out, take a shower, or work on Japanese, pet Jellybean and Cat, run, dance, pray or do something else (besides a story-entertainment thing :)) that takes concentration-- it will help you feel better.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Finding!
No, no, no. I'm going to work, doing whatever working I CAN, this year. I am really not going to be able to get experience in the area I want, not as much as I should, and that's okay.
I'm indecisive like this because I really DO NOT like all these ideas!
I like stories, and music, and knowledge! So why don't I give up trying to find a "secure" job and actually work on these things I enjoy? Right now, I live with my parents. My life is secure. Right now is the time to get jobs that aren't perfect. I don't have to choose my career right now. I need to get out there and try out various things, instead of holding myself back because I'm scared or I think that I won't be applying for the "right" job that will "lead me" in the right direction. I just need to try something! It'll be fun!!!
Tomorrow if work doesn't call me:
look and prepare for looking at getting accompanist jobs, then GET one!
I have other options, too, but I really just need to learn how much money you make playing piano. However, my other options that look promising would be to apply to be a waitress, bank teller, or CNA. However, I'll have to wait those because I don't have a real schedule with the job I have now, so I don't know what hours I can work.
I'm indecisive like this because I really DO NOT like all these ideas!
I like stories, and music, and knowledge! So why don't I give up trying to find a "secure" job and actually work on these things I enjoy? Right now, I live with my parents. My life is secure. Right now is the time to get jobs that aren't perfect. I don't have to choose my career right now. I need to get out there and try out various things, instead of holding myself back because I'm scared or I think that I won't be applying for the "right" job that will "lead me" in the right direction. I just need to try something! It'll be fun!!!
Tomorrow if work doesn't call me:
look and prepare for looking at getting accompanist jobs, then GET one!
I have other options, too, but I really just need to learn how much money you make playing piano. However, my other options that look promising would be to apply to be a waitress, bank teller, or CNA. However, I'll have to wait those because I don't have a real schedule with the job I have now, so I don't know what hours I can work.
Wishing!?
I'm trying figure out what to do about job-searching.
It's a lot harder than I expected... and I'm not a very hard worker when I don't want to be. So it's a lot for me to learn.
My nursing assistant job that I have is nice and everything. But it's on-call, so it's hard to get another job, and yet, I'm not working much because it's an irregular schedule-- random. Another nursing assistant on-call job would work best at the moment, so I could juggle both. But I'm indecisive because I don't really like it.
I was looking online at Wells Fargo bank teller jobs. You don't need a lot of experience, and they train you. I've done some sales before. (Maybe I should do more of that.) I mean... I would really like talking on the phone with people. I could keep learning languages on the side, and then start to actually use them in my position in the bank. It could be a really good thing! But being able to speak a language is hard to do through solely independent study, so it would be a challenge....
Of course, it's hard because I'm always thinking it's okay to work on Sabbath when you're in a health profession, but with a position at a business, I'd want to say no to working on Sabbath. (Sabbath means Saturdays-- I'm SDA, so, as much as I can, I don't do anything but have fun with friends and family and relax on Saturdays.)
But it IS an idea. I'd get paid less, though, but working as a nursing assistant is boring to me. I don't feel like I'm learning anything, except how to be a better nurse, and that is a career I'd like to avoid. But then, I might end up choosing it...?
Okay, so... right now, I need to get more work. I think... I need to be a nursing assistant for at least a year. I can get another job later, whether it be at a bank or a waitress at a restaurant, but for now, I need to go out and get more work as a CNA.
I have to be BRAVE!! ;-) Hee hee.
It's a lot harder than I expected... and I'm not a very hard worker when I don't want to be. So it's a lot for me to learn.
My nursing assistant job that I have is nice and everything. But it's on-call, so it's hard to get another job, and yet, I'm not working much because it's an irregular schedule-- random. Another nursing assistant on-call job would work best at the moment, so I could juggle both. But I'm indecisive because I don't really like it.
I was looking online at Wells Fargo bank teller jobs. You don't need a lot of experience, and they train you. I've done some sales before. (Maybe I should do more of that.) I mean... I would really like talking on the phone with people. I could keep learning languages on the side, and then start to actually use them in my position in the bank. It could be a really good thing! But being able to speak a language is hard to do through solely independent study, so it would be a challenge....
Of course, it's hard because I'm always thinking it's okay to work on Sabbath when you're in a health profession, but with a position at a business, I'd want to say no to working on Sabbath. (Sabbath means Saturdays-- I'm SDA, so, as much as I can, I don't do anything but have fun with friends and family and relax on Saturdays.)
But it IS an idea. I'd get paid less, though, but working as a nursing assistant is boring to me. I don't feel like I'm learning anything, except how to be a better nurse, and that is a career I'd like to avoid. But then, I might end up choosing it...?
Okay, so... right now, I need to get more work. I think... I need to be a nursing assistant for at least a year. I can get another job later, whether it be at a bank or a waitress at a restaurant, but for now, I need to go out and get more work as a CNA.
I have to be BRAVE!! ;-) Hee hee.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Career Turmoil! Lovely Parents Give Advice that Conflicts! Shall I Choose My Own?
Talking with my dad about career options is a really difficult task. I mean, when it comes to gaining confidence and everything. for some reason, the foremost thing in his (and my mom's, too) mind is money. Money, money, money. And it makes sense, sure, because they want me to be able to support myself. I get that. But they're taking it too far. They seem to think that MOST JOBS won't make enough money unless it's something relating to health care.
Or maybe... maybe that's not it. It might be that right now, as I'm trying to choose my career, they need me to have confidence in my decision, and since I don't, it makes them nervous and they're doing their "part" in worrying for me-- OVERTIME.
It's sweet, but it's not helping. I need good, solid advice that tells the truth without all this. They're forgetting that the world has many careers to offer and just because they don't know about all those opportunities doesn't mean I won't be able to attain one of those career options that they don't have as much experience about. It must scare them to imagine me going out into the world and getting a job that they can't help me with-- something like interpreting or teaching music is more foreign to them and they can't imagine me doing well only because they don't know about it.
Does that make sense? I think that's what the problem is.
For me, it's very difficult to argue with them on this point (should I or shouldn't I choose this or that career....) because their point about the importance of job security and financial security is quite valid. What if they're right? I don't even know, myself, if I can be successful with any line of work that isn't a straight path to a job, like health care. Most other careers are less secure because you get educated for them, but then the job options are variable and miscellaneous and not necessarily what you had in mind.
For instance, a career in linguistics would be where you learn about the forms of language, grammar, and patterns. You can be a teacher or a researcher in various institutions for schools and companies that do research. But when you get an education like that, you can't really be sure where or what your job will be like-- whether you'll start as an assistant, or you'll be typing up papers, or doing research in "the field"-- the type of jobs available are various. The same thing goes for other jobs. There are more options. And since both my parents went into health care, having more options is weird and scary and unknown for me.
Health care, on the other hand, is stress-free in the respect that it leads directly to a job. You get a degree to be a doctor? You go apply to hospitals and be a doctor. You train to be a physical therapist? Go work in a nursing home, hospital, PT clinic, or other institution that hires physical therapists. Nursing, radiology, dentistry, optometry, pharmacy-- it's all basically the same-- health care education LEADS DIRECTLY to a job (that pays enough money to be moderately comfortable).
And I think that's what scares me, and what causes my parents to act this way. Health care careers are what they understand, and they don't know what it will be like for me if I choose something else, so they're worried. My dad seems to think that he has to start considering when to make me move out of the house-- which is understandable-- but he says this based on the idea that it is going to take me six to eight years to start making money.
I don't understand his reasoning!! I will eventually be able to move out and start working, at least as an accompanist, and pay for my own rent and all that. It will be hard, but I think I can do it. Daddy doesn't need to doubt me so much. It is soooo frustrating.
But I decided to write a post because I had (well, I was asking God what to do, and he told me this) a thought-- "Your parents' belief in you isn't what is going to help you do well in the world." I don't have to get their approval!! It's kind of disappointing to say out loud, since I really like that idea of "believing" in other people, as a philosophy. But in the end, you can't expect the people around you, as supportive and loving as they are, to ever COMPLETELY understand you. And in my case, at least, I can't expect my family to support me with their beliefs in me.
Of course, I haven't been very successful in life, by outside appearances and normal standards (making money, being able to move out) and it's no wonder they don't trust me. But regardless of that, it's still very difficult for me to make this sort of decision when their advice is so cleanly slicing at my confidence. I mean, I nearly, NEARLY agreed with them a few times there. My mom and dad's advice about careers is good, for the most part, but when it comes to actually PICKING a career, I have to pick it for MY OWN reason.
I am learning, slowly, that I have to make this decision, myself. I'm on my own. The more I realize that, the more I can make it true.
I think that because my parents are having such trouble trusting me, and because I let that affect how I feel, it might be GOOD for me to move out when it's actually possible. That might mean that after I save up enough money to start those music classes, I should move to the area where we have a state college here, and start living at the college while I take the classes. If I do that, I can start my music-associated career (playing piano for events and possibly teaching privately) in order to pay my own bills.
So next thing on the list is...: make a lot of money this year so I have some to pay for college classes while I'm working... to pay for rent. Also, work on my studies so that I can audition for music scholarships and apply for regular scholarships.
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!! :) :) :)
Or maybe... maybe that's not it. It might be that right now, as I'm trying to choose my career, they need me to have confidence in my decision, and since I don't, it makes them nervous and they're doing their "part" in worrying for me-- OVERTIME.
It's sweet, but it's not helping. I need good, solid advice that tells the truth without all this. They're forgetting that the world has many careers to offer and just because they don't know about all those opportunities doesn't mean I won't be able to attain one of those career options that they don't have as much experience about. It must scare them to imagine me going out into the world and getting a job that they can't help me with-- something like interpreting or teaching music is more foreign to them and they can't imagine me doing well only because they don't know about it.
Does that make sense? I think that's what the problem is.
For me, it's very difficult to argue with them on this point (should I or shouldn't I choose this or that career....) because their point about the importance of job security and financial security is quite valid. What if they're right? I don't even know, myself, if I can be successful with any line of work that isn't a straight path to a job, like health care. Most other careers are less secure because you get educated for them, but then the job options are variable and miscellaneous and not necessarily what you had in mind.
For instance, a career in linguistics would be where you learn about the forms of language, grammar, and patterns. You can be a teacher or a researcher in various institutions for schools and companies that do research. But when you get an education like that, you can't really be sure where or what your job will be like-- whether you'll start as an assistant, or you'll be typing up papers, or doing research in "the field"-- the type of jobs available are various. The same thing goes for other jobs. There are more options. And since both my parents went into health care, having more options is weird and scary and unknown for me.
Health care, on the other hand, is stress-free in the respect that it leads directly to a job. You get a degree to be a doctor? You go apply to hospitals and be a doctor. You train to be a physical therapist? Go work in a nursing home, hospital, PT clinic, or other institution that hires physical therapists. Nursing, radiology, dentistry, optometry, pharmacy-- it's all basically the same-- health care education LEADS DIRECTLY to a job (that pays enough money to be moderately comfortable).
And I think that's what scares me, and what causes my parents to act this way. Health care careers are what they understand, and they don't know what it will be like for me if I choose something else, so they're worried. My dad seems to think that he has to start considering when to make me move out of the house-- which is understandable-- but he says this based on the idea that it is going to take me six to eight years to start making money.
I don't understand his reasoning!! I will eventually be able to move out and start working, at least as an accompanist, and pay for my own rent and all that. It will be hard, but I think I can do it. Daddy doesn't need to doubt me so much. It is soooo frustrating.
But I decided to write a post because I had (well, I was asking God what to do, and he told me this) a thought-- "Your parents' belief in you isn't what is going to help you do well in the world." I don't have to get their approval!! It's kind of disappointing to say out loud, since I really like that idea of "believing" in other people, as a philosophy. But in the end, you can't expect the people around you, as supportive and loving as they are, to ever COMPLETELY understand you. And in my case, at least, I can't expect my family to support me with their beliefs in me.
Of course, I haven't been very successful in life, by outside appearances and normal standards (making money, being able to move out) and it's no wonder they don't trust me. But regardless of that, it's still very difficult for me to make this sort of decision when their advice is so cleanly slicing at my confidence. I mean, I nearly, NEARLY agreed with them a few times there. My mom and dad's advice about careers is good, for the most part, but when it comes to actually PICKING a career, I have to pick it for MY OWN reason.
I am learning, slowly, that I have to make this decision, myself. I'm on my own. The more I realize that, the more I can make it true.
I think that because my parents are having such trouble trusting me, and because I let that affect how I feel, it might be GOOD for me to move out when it's actually possible. That might mean that after I save up enough money to start those music classes, I should move to the area where we have a state college here, and start living at the college while I take the classes. If I do that, I can start my music-associated career (playing piano for events and possibly teaching privately) in order to pay my own bills.
So next thing on the list is...: make a lot of money this year so I have some to pay for college classes while I'm working... to pay for rent. Also, work on my studies so that I can audition for music scholarships and apply for regular scholarships.
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!! :) :) :)
Friday, September 10, 2010
New Excitement!
I'm really excited. I think I believe I can do this now. :) (Did that sound sure at all? :)
I've been so worried about making enough money in my career, that I haven't considered picking what I WANT to do. I need to stop thinking that way! I won't be rich, and that's OKAY. I'll learn how to find clothes that are nice without spending tons of money, and I don't need to live in an city with high living-costs or have a fancy apartment. I'll go to colleges that are less costly and I'll work my butt off for scholarships, grants, and good grades. I'll get low-interest loans only. I won't buy things I don't need, I'll do my own pedicures and spa treatments, and I'll exercise outsides instead of paying for a club membership. I'll save money carefully for a used car that runs well, but I'll use a bike to go places close-by. I won't color my hair and I'll be stingy with cosmetics and shampoo. I'll buy cheaper fruits, eat oatmeal for breakfast, make my own wheat bread, munch on rice, and drink filtered water instead of buying soda, juice, or coffee.
I'm going to play the piano to my heart's content, explore new languages, revel in knowledge I get from school, take pride in my work ethic, read the Bible for devotions, and learn to sing and dance with confidence and peace in my heart.
I've been so worried about making enough money in my career, that I haven't considered picking what I WANT to do. I need to stop thinking that way! I won't be rich, and that's OKAY. I'll learn how to find clothes that are nice without spending tons of money, and I don't need to live in an city with high living-costs or have a fancy apartment. I'll go to colleges that are less costly and I'll work my butt off for scholarships, grants, and good grades. I'll get low-interest loans only. I won't buy things I don't need, I'll do my own pedicures and spa treatments, and I'll exercise outsides instead of paying for a club membership. I'll save money carefully for a used car that runs well, but I'll use a bike to go places close-by. I won't color my hair and I'll be stingy with cosmetics and shampoo. I'll buy cheaper fruits, eat oatmeal for breakfast, make my own wheat bread, munch on rice, and drink filtered water instead of buying soda, juice, or coffee.
I'm going to play the piano to my heart's content, explore new languages, revel in knowledge I get from school, take pride in my work ethic, read the Bible for devotions, and learn to sing and dance with confidence and peace in my heart.
Decision.... ?.
Physical therapy, but music first, as an undergraduate degree.... working as a nursing assistant and an accompanist.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)