Crying and sadness. Being myself. Solutions in a few paragraphs.

The thing about me moving out feels horrible, but it's not really about me being unwanted or other various interpretations that make me feel awful-- it's about this atmosphere being hard for me to be MYTRUESELF in. And that is completely right. I constantly worry about everything I'm doing because I haven't created good boundaries and set up a personal ... self. I worry about how I SHOULD be before I recognize what I am. Okay? Okay. So. Either I get over that, or I move out. I don't know what's possible regarding those two directions. But I do know that moving all my stuff to an apartment that is icky and that I don't even want to go to might be beyond upsetting; if this upset isn't worth the independence I'll gain by living in my own independent space, then I hate the idea! But I have to consider both staying here or going there; something has to happen between Monday and when I get a job in the city. And I have to stop compromising when my way is perfect. So what's my way? Living in the city-- but where do I go on Monday? That's something I can decide with my parent's help, but no matter what I need to stop letting everything hurt and mold my feelings, WATCH FOR WHO I AM instead of what seems like I SHOULD be, and balance my activities, keep from worrying and wishing about stuff/things to do/needs/necessities/requirements/time-limits/history that can't be changed or that I don't ultimately/truly want to change, and don't let my fear of the future and consequences of the past change my present actions.

Anime is GOOD for me. It makes me happy and encouraged (depending on the subject, of course:). It's time for me to accept that. On the other hand, it isn't good for me any more than some other activity that takes up too much time. Anime holds me focused more than most of my other likes and dislikes and activities, and too much of it isn't a good thing if I have to go do something else, or if I need to spend some time living my life. Anime is a restful activity-- it's like thinking. Thinking might be good, helpful, and productive, but it doesn't actually cause change like action does. Anime is the same in this way. So while I should *not* consider anime "evil"(say "negative") in terms of time, it must be balanced with actions if I am to stay balanced in my happiness. Essentially there are different kinds of happiness - relaxation, resolutions, absolute peace, delight, discovery, and probably more:) Anime IS all these things, except absolute peace and resolutions (it can sometimes provide absolute peace if it communicates a message from God, and it might hint at or bring up thoughts of resolutions, but it can't resolve things, as that would require a number of actions.)

I get depressed sometimes and cry. It's not one of the things holding me back, but I do want to try and understand the feeling: I figured out that when I am sad and I can't move from my crying position, when I just sit or lie down, and wait there for my sadness to go away, it's because I don't know what to do next. Even when I get up because I know I'm using time feeling sad and I want to use my time differently, I still don't know what to do next. So even if I change locations, until I stop feeling sad, I have to resume a still position somewhere, thinking in circles, my tears and sadness cycling through welling up and alternately drying. It doesn't stop cycling until I calm down from my circular thinking and sadness. Also, reminding myself "I'm going to cry later..." when I have something to go do, is good

This was a random diary entry but just as a peek into my life (and because I wanted to add the tag for this) I should tell you something.

I HATTTTTEEE AAAAAANNNNNNNTTSSS!

Not the family kind.

The disgusting smelly squishy melty squesldkfha;erighy ppooopy pink when you turn them over......in my food ....eating the marshmellow fluff crap and getting in the sink and the trash and DYING ALL OVER THE FLOOR BECUASE WE PUT OUT POISON and ARRGH

ANTS!

ANTS! GRRR!!!

I think though, they had to retreat momentarily from attacking in my room, because it was so depressing. The aura was, I mean, because I was emitting waves of depression from all the crying *giggle*

IF I believed in curses........









one more thing? vocaloid 鼻そうめんP ・ Hiroyuki ODA・HanasoumenP・HSP・かんざきひろ....

he or she... wow. amazing producer. up there with Avtechno, I think. I don't really know who these people are, though, so I'm a bit of amature talking about them but WOW.

Diary Entry

Dear God,

It's Sabbath today... I watched a bunch of Full Moon o Sagashite today, and ate food.

A lot of times, I feel worried that I'm not doing a good job. Of being myself, I guess. And putting it that way reminds me that it can't be true :) !

But still. I say this because we have a visitor over today and I can't relax or focus on anything when that happens, so I go to my room and veg out instead of doing something.

Which is okay, I guess, but I would rather do something active, or use my brain. But I let myself get stuck watching TV, you know? It' doesn't have to be TV, sometimes I do something else on my computer or whatever, but I feel the worst for watching TV.

I'm not sure I should let myself feel bad. It's possible I'm just being hard on myself and not getting anywhere for it.

That's right, I am, aren't I? Weeeeell, I'm going to do something else now. I'll try and stop beating myself up inside my brain.

Hee hee. Thanks, God, for helping me and always caring for me. You deserve all the love in the world, I hope more and more people notice you. Don't give up on telling them the truth, (I would suggest through love) even if they are completely obstinate to it. Isn't it true, that if we were created in your image, we naturally should lean towards the light side, not the dark? As in, love? I don't quite understand sin. WHERE DOES IT COME FROM????

haha. This is a good question, isn't it....

Where does sin come from.... .... I question this because-- if you created everything, sin shouldn't exist, because why would sin come from you? Is it because sin exists when people are allowed to make choices?

Why? A Thousand Miles!

I don't know how hard this is for other people, but I can never seem to be positive. Or something. I mean... more specifically, I am a very un-confident person. I'm trying to fix that!!

I wrote this down today on a piece of paper. It's the answer to the question why. Kind of in general... maybe more directly "why life?".

"Y? Because I want to reach my dreams. I don't know all my dreams yet. But I'm going to keep looking toward them, and imagining what I can't see. Sometimes I think that only in my imagination is where truth really exists. that is the place where I see clouds, lots of blue or in contrast, a storm -- endless flat horizons, a swirl of uplifting air, and heart-stopping heights with views of a thousand miles. A salty breeze, a sea of purple, lakes of silken smooth green, and other things we don't know."

I want to use my imagination more. I let myself get down about things in life-- the immediate things-- when I don't look deeper into truth, into the unreal, or perhaps the more real, the real truth. What is life? THIS is not all there is. I KNOW that, if only at least.