WHAT I DID TODAY: I got up late again today. At one. Blech. I spent time watching Tokyo Mew Mew, then I went and had Sabbath lunch with my family. It was fun!
We laughed about how rude Teddy is with his frequent burping when drinking soda. He likes to "impress" but really is just being... well, a little ew. We can never get him to stop doing that. My mom stresses that we shouldn't yell at him and make him feel bad. I think that we could at least set some rules about being polite, but I suppose allowing it is better than making him feel like we hate him, haha. :)
After dinner I cleaned my room. Actually, it was pretty off and on, but I tried to stay on-task. It was a big job, but it was worth it. It took me all day, besides taking breaks. I'm not done yet, but the room is clean, it's just that there are a lot of boxes laying around with things I need to organize or sort through for giveaways. Next, I have to go through all those papers, figure out my finances and pay tithe, and finish my to-do lists. Paper stuff....
Today my cousin and her husband came to visit us! They are downstairs sleeping right now, using my room during their stay.
QUILT STORY: That's why I was cleaning it like mad. Since my silver silk comforter is at the dry cleaner's, I snuck out of the house Friday night to buy a cheap-o quilt from Walmart. It was a scary affair, because I kept forgetting things like my coat and I dropped things outside in the dark, somewhere in the gravel... and I had to sneak around looking for everything and making it look like I was only going for the mail. (Sabbaths-- from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown-- are the days of the week when we don't work, do business, or worry about things. We just relax. So going to the store is something we try to avoid, and I didn't want to make my mom sad. She was happy when I brought back bananas though! :)
QUILT HORROR: When I placed the quilt on the bed, (after finishing dusting, vacuuming, organizing, and moving stuff) I was horrified. Unfortunately for Allison, I was in a hyper, wild mood, mostly because I'd been cleaning hyper-actively and listening to music. My emotions burst out in a very realistic sounding sobbing when I said, "UUUUGGHGHHH!!! It's so UUUGGGLLY!!!" A few times.
She peeked into my room, all worried-looking, so I tried to explain, but I was too hyper to make it sound reasonable anyway. I hope people around me aren't driven crazy by my emotional antics. I just like SHOWING EMOTION, it's not like I feel out of control because of them-- in fact, sometimes when I'm crying about something is when I feel more in control. Being able to let emotions out makes you more in control of how you feel, whether or not you look like it on the outside. Weird, huh? But it's true.
Anyway, really, the bed cover is okay. It took me a while to get used to it, and I had to modify a few of the accent pillows. At first, I couldn't stand it, but I think I'm just not used to using peaches in my decorating.
Plus, the quilt overall is lacking color intensity. It's like you're looking through a very thin bit of waxed paper to see the quilt. I guess I mean the colors are slighltly dull. But at the same time, they're terribly contrasting and are too wild and chaotic to look at. They catch your eye, but once they do, it causes you pain.
Green, peach, purple, beige, you understand what I mean, right? I used some brown pillows to mellow it out, but I couldn't avoid using a deep red under-blanket that made it look like the comforter was bleeding.
I'm being dramatic, most people would say it looks fine, but I certainly wouldn't be satisfied if I was designing for something serious. It's just my room, so... I can get used to it. :)
VISITING COUSINS: I was so surprised to see Salli (my cousin). I never really spent time talking with my cousins when I'd go to family reunions (on my mom's side). Either that, or I don't remember well. I think that as I got older, I became more shy, and I avoided getting close to people or sharing bits of myself. I didn't WANT to be close to others, so sharing intimate things about myself wasn't on my to-do list. But talking with Salli is so much fun! She has good advice and she's smart and talkative and sweet. I don't feel awkward or embarrassed or even very shy. Most importantly, I can explain problems I'm dealing with to her and she can talk about that with me instead of me feeling like I have to hide those things. (Stuff about having to leave college badly half-finished, not being able to pick a career or a major, etc.) Tomorrow we're going to do something fun, before I go to work at two.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Epiphanies All Day!
Today, ALL OF A SUDDEN, when I was talking to my mom... I realized some things. And I became suddenly motivated, like, I don't know why!
I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!
I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.
But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.
But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.
1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)
2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.
3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.
I cleaned house after two o'clock, like A LOT. Lately I have not been able to clean for more than thirty minutes at a time. I just get tired, distracted, bored, or depressed about the fact that I'm about to quit, and then I quit. Which of course sounds silly to you, I'm supposing, but really, these feelings are very real. I've just lost my motivation so much!
I woke up at 8:45 this morning, which was certainly a helpful part of all this.
But I did fight with my mom today. It was avoidable, but somehow I didn't make it.
But I'm seeing a counselor AGAIN. It really is good, though, and I'm happy about the development, as embarrassed as I am to need counseling. But I accept it! It will really help me, so it is a good thing.
1. I have to start spending more time with my family. Invite them places (movies for my mom, paint-balling for my little brother, things like that) participate in activities that they enjoy (play video-games with my brother instead of complaining that he's boring or should do something else), and spend more time around the house instead of my room. When I am around my family, I should avoid wearing headphones. I can work on cleaning house more, and decorating for holidays, then playing music and having snacks out while I'm decorating so that it's fun and people want to join me. I say this because I think my mom, brother, and I are becoming more and more drawn to video and computer games and television in our own rooms-- secluded-- and so our relationships are falling apart because we don't have anything to base them on. (My dad's always at work 'till late at night, and he can't do anything about that.)
2. I want to listen and watch more carefully for other people's emotions. Pay attention to how they're feeling and speak (or don't) according to that. Don't take things personally, either. Be "professional" like I am at work, but at the same time, DO share my own feelings when other people want to listen. Remember there are boundaries! I can't try and tell other people how they need to be, because they'll understand better if they figure out things for themselves.
3. Find a job, pick some studies/activities (praying, japanese, spanish, working out, practicing piano) to actually focus on daily, start going to church, and go to bed early so that I can get up early. CHOOSE to do these things.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Hello in Japanese!... I think?
こにちわ！日本語です！ごめ、that was just for fun. I don't know much of what I am writing there. It should say, "Konichiwa! Nihongo desu! Gome" or "Hello! It's Japanese! Sorry" ... because I don't actually know any Japanese and I feel silly attempting something that I don't know anything about. I don't think I used the correct writing systems just now. Hahaha it's embarrassing....
Anyway, I am excited to start my day tomorrow! Wish me luck. No. Luck doesn't exist. But you know what I mean! I am going to start writing how everything goes, in detail, so I have to be... accountable. Tomorrow I'll expect (from myself haha...) a full report. I want to start writing about my LIFE more, and less theorizing! Here goes!!
Anyway, I am excited to start my day tomorrow! Wish me luck. No. Luck doesn't exist. But you know what I mean! I am going to start writing how everything goes, in detail, so I have to be... accountable. Tomorrow I'll expect (from myself haha...) a full report. I want to start writing about my LIFE more, and less theorizing! Here goes!!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Take a Walk Outside!
I went for a walk today outside with the dog, Jellybean. She sits outside every day in her boring pen, on cement, with just a rug. Her doghouse was thrown out a while ago because it... I can't remember, was so chewed up? Or it wouldn't snap back together after we'd taken it apart to clean it so many times? Something like that.
But I have this weird feeling that her eyes are sad, and I don't know what to do about it. I wish we spent more time with her. It FRUSTRATES me that she lives in that pen all her life, and only gets to come out of it two different hours of the day, morning and night, to eat and walk. But that's boring. Why do we have a dog if she only serves to be a chore twice a day? She's not a companion or someone to hang out with, she's a task. Arrrggg. My family is particular about things like germs and things, so it's hard to change rules like this. Jellybean will run away if we let her run loose, and she would dig under a fence. A leash or some sort of other device might work, but the repercussions are uncertain (getting tangled, electric fence ineffective, etc) and so I just don't see a solution to her solitude problem....
Anyway, we walked around the pond today. There are two separate pools, separated by one large bridge, and another bridge over a creek a little down the ways, and over by a large shade of trees, willow, and other deciduous-- a log-bridge spans a smooth pathway of water. I sat on the log-bridge today, in my jeans, pink boots dangling, even though it was a little damp, with Cat trying to climb into my lap, and Jellybean carelessly balancing on her four feet. The larger pool, in view ahead of us, was very smooth and still, like glass, with the beautiful willow tree draping gracefully, evening down to the tips of limey leaves like slender fingers, barely disturbing the delicate surface. Since it has been raining here for days, the grass everywhere is as green as if it was dyed with HOT green St. Patrick's day dye. It's so beautiful! And very calm. It was evening, about five o'clock, when I went out. Now, it's twilight and the willow's leaves have become black silhouettes against the grey-blue.
The clouds were gray, and the air was cool but not cold. The prettiest thing is all those deep, bright, apple-red leaves on the trees, and the orangey-brown ones on the ground. There are even a few trees with a soothing, refreshing color of yellow still on their branches, but with the weather lately, the trees are starting to show their skeletons, like a mourning in preparation for winter. But I like winter-- the contrast between the hot and cold makes me think of Christmas-- warm twinkling colors, hot soup, warm socks and slippers, and the smell of heat coming from the furnace. I like that familiar "whhhoooooooSSSSHHH" it makes when it turns on-- and when I'm cold enough to accept more heat. It feels very nice.... Lately it has begun to smell like Christmas around the house.
I'm sorry, am I bugging you with this talk about Christmas? It's really only supposed to be Halloween. And the weather is certainly appropriate. I can see why so many people refer to Fall as their favorite season. It's really captivating.
But I have this weird feeling that her eyes are sad, and I don't know what to do about it. I wish we spent more time with her. It FRUSTRATES me that she lives in that pen all her life, and only gets to come out of it two different hours of the day, morning and night, to eat and walk. But that's boring. Why do we have a dog if she only serves to be a chore twice a day? She's not a companion or someone to hang out with, she's a task. Arrrggg. My family is particular about things like germs and things, so it's hard to change rules like this. Jellybean will run away if we let her run loose, and she would dig under a fence. A leash or some sort of other device might work, but the repercussions are uncertain (getting tangled, electric fence ineffective, etc) and so I just don't see a solution to her solitude problem....
Anyway, we walked around the pond today. There are two separate pools, separated by one large bridge, and another bridge over a creek a little down the ways, and over by a large shade of trees, willow, and other deciduous-- a log-bridge spans a smooth pathway of water. I sat on the log-bridge today, in my jeans, pink boots dangling, even though it was a little damp, with Cat trying to climb into my lap, and Jellybean carelessly balancing on her four feet. The larger pool, in view ahead of us, was very smooth and still, like glass, with the beautiful willow tree draping gracefully, evening down to the tips of limey leaves like slender fingers, barely disturbing the delicate surface. Since it has been raining here for days, the grass everywhere is as green as if it was dyed with HOT green St. Patrick's day dye. It's so beautiful! And very calm. It was evening, about five o'clock, when I went out. Now, it's twilight and the willow's leaves have become black silhouettes against the grey-blue.
The clouds were gray, and the air was cool but not cold. The prettiest thing is all those deep, bright, apple-red leaves on the trees, and the orangey-brown ones on the ground. There are even a few trees with a soothing, refreshing color of yellow still on their branches, but with the weather lately, the trees are starting to show their skeletons, like a mourning in preparation for winter. But I like winter-- the contrast between the hot and cold makes me think of Christmas-- warm twinkling colors, hot soup, warm socks and slippers, and the smell of heat coming from the furnace. I like that familiar "whhhoooooooSSSSHHH" it makes when it turns on-- and when I'm cold enough to accept more heat. It feels very nice.... Lately it has begun to smell like Christmas around the house.
I'm sorry, am I bugging you with this talk about Christmas? It's really only supposed to be Halloween. And the weather is certainly appropriate. I can see why so many people refer to Fall as their favorite season. It's really captivating.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Ocean?
I'm feeling very excited. I've got an image in my head-- and if I stop to think what she, he, them-- what they think--?
SILLY! What, silly?! How about useless!? I don't have to worry what they think. Worry is useless when it's only about yourself. Ha. :)
Running on the beach with bare feet! Sand under your feet, and it's hard to run. Solitary-- ocean air, focused. What should I do-- where should I go? Here, it doesn't matter. I'm happy here.
I can't begin to guess what this life might be like. I know it will contain things I don't expect, but at the same time, I can almost guess what those things are.
I'm getting ready for this. I'm ready to get up and run towards it.
SILLY! What, silly?! How about useless!? I don't have to worry what they think. Worry is useless when it's only about yourself. Ha. :)
Running on the beach with bare feet! Sand under your feet, and it's hard to run. Solitary-- ocean air, focused. What should I do-- where should I go? Here, it doesn't matter. I'm happy here.
I can't begin to guess what this life might be like. I know it will contain things I don't expect, but at the same time, I can almost guess what those things are.
I'm getting ready for this. I'm ready to get up and run towards it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)